


Her Name

by Capital_F



Category: Doki Doki Literature Club! (Visual Novel)
Genre: (only sometimes though), F/F, Homophobic Language, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide attempt, Nudity (uncommon), Stalking
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-12
Updated: 2020-07-02
Packaged: 2021-02-28 20:22:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 34
Words: 117,761
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23113135
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Capital_F/pseuds/Capital_F
Summary: The story of how two girls changed one another and overcame their adversities.
Relationships: Natsuki & Yuri (Doki Doki Literature Club!), Natsuki/Yuri (Doki Doki Literature Club!)
Comments: 680
Kudos: 222





	1. From afar

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wherein I meet her.

Natsuki. Her name is Natsuki. I have to remember that.

Sayori brought her in today. She's beautiful.

Perhaps I should preface this by saying women arouse me - no, that doesn't quite sound right. It's not right for a straight man to say he's aroused by women; he wouldn't be, it's that his sexual preference is towards women. I feel the same - my sexual preference is towards women.

Back to Natsuki. Sayori brought her in. I don't know how they know one another, but Sayori announced on Natsuki's behalf that she was joining the literature club. Natsuki herself was mostly silent in this process, only waving her hand around and giving a few quick hellos. I did my best not to look at her the entire time. She's visually stunning, but I need not fall for the old trap: "love at first sight." A silly notion. I'm attracted to her physically. I don't know anything about her personality yet, and I don't care to think of myself as a shallow enough person to pursue a relationship with someone who I've only _seen_. But boy, do I love seeing her...

She sat down at one of the tables in the club room, being hounded by Monika and Sayori for answers to whatever questions they had. I remained behind, observing from afar - not that that's something I'm unused to. I'd spent most of my life doing this. Even my own parents' relationship, I observed splitting apart from afar.

That was, until Sayori motioned for me to come over. Not one to ignore her request, I got up and sat in a nearby desk - not directly next to Natsuki, but a desk over. Her hair was a beautiful, soft pink. Nothing - pardon my language - "gets me going" like pink hair. It's a beautiful contrast to my own purple, and I _love_ the contrast of light and dark. Her eyes were a beautiful, reddish-brown color - amber. Her facial features were soft, and her body was small and short. Everything about her is to my taste. ~~How I'd love to taste her...~~

Ignore that last comment. Merely a moment of weakness and arousal. I may have to take a break from writing for a second to relieve mys

I'm back. It feels unusual to write out laughter, but huhaha! I feel refreshed.

Natsuki is beautiful. I want to get to know her... I wonder if her personality is compatible with me? I'd hope so.

* * *

I closed my fresh, new journal, having completed my first entry. A mix of lust and shame fill my heart and soul. To think I would need to _relieve my arousal_ just thinking about the new girl in the literature club... what an awful person I am, huha.

I relax in my chair, and wheel it over to my other desk, the one I use for more general purposes, and slide my journal into an empty journal compartment. I'm going to my father's house, Sunday morning - as per the agreement made in court: two weeks with my mother, one week with my father - so I'll need to keep this hidden there. My mother would never read into my diary, but my father... he's not a bad person, but he's a concerned parent. N-Not to say my mom is uncaring! She's sweet, and warm, and... ahm, I'm getting off track. But at least it's cleared my head of the confused shame I feel about Natsuki.

I rest my head in my hand, elbow on my desk, and sigh. An unfortunate turn of events today. I pick up my journal from the compartment I put it before and look over my first entry in my new journal. Good lord, it's bad... why do I have to be such a dramatic, horny lesbian?!

Perhaps that's a bit dramatic in of itself, but regardless... at least no one besides me will ever see this. It'd be regrettable if people found out I was a lesbian before I was ready... but if anyone were ever to read this... _thing_... auf, I can barely imagine the scenario... I'd die of embarrassment. I suppose that, in some ways, I am just like any other high school-aged girl with a diary -journal - of dirty secrets.

Still, it's true - Natsuki is an attractive person, I know that much just by looking at her, thinking about her - now there I go again... I need to stay focused on my train of thought without drifting into a tangent. But anyway, I also have no idea what she's like, as a person. She seldom contributed to actual conversation today. Really, it more looked that she wanted Monika and Sayori to stop asking her questions.

I put my head in my arms on my desk. I hate being so methodical about this, as if I were some sort of emotionless scientist, approaching an experiment... why can't I just be natural about this? Can I not merely... get to know her, I suppose? As others would.

Well, obviously I can't... because I'm not like other people. I know full well that I'm "weird." I have proof enough from my peers' own words and actions of days gone by that that is the case. "Days gone by..." what on Earth do I mean by that? "Days gone by..." as if those days had gone by. I've never been accepted by anyone but my parents and the Literature Club members - excluding Natsuki, who I haven't properly met. Even in those cases, it's not as if they know the whole truth... there are certain things about me which _no one_ can know. So really, there's no way for anyone to genuinely get to know me and accept me... they'll accept what they know about me. But not what's beneath the surface, because if they knew, they'd deject me, leave me on my own, even more alone than I already am - I'm certain of it. But still, I can't help but hold out hope that Natsuki is the sort of person who'll be... different, from everyone else.

But I shouldn't expect anything like that. The best - the absolute _best_ \- I can expect is pity. _Pity_. I don't want her to look at me like I'm some sort of wounded animal. Bandages and kisses can't fix me - as much as I wish they could. Which is another reason I don't talk to people... they'd either scorn me, or pity me, and I don't want either.

I get up from my chair and promptly plop myself into bed. I'm sick of thinking. Tomorrow's Friday, so while it is the last day of the school week, it's also my chance to maybe talk to Natsuki a bit more. She's attractive - hot - yes, but... perhaps, if I can get to know her, I might like her for _real_...

Hehe... I say the silliest things sometimes... I have no reason to think that...

But no, no more thinking for now... time to sleep. I'm tired, and it's already 10:30.

* * *

Natsuki's younger than me - that much is obvious just looking at her. So we don't have any classes together. But I have a lot of time to think today, to wonder about her.

Okay, so it should be evident by now that I don't _like_ her. I don't even know what kind of music she listens to. But I find her attractive, which means... nothing. If I know anything, I know that superficial things like physical appearance do not determine quality of personality. However, that's not to say she must therefore be an unlikable person; rather, it's that I _don't know what kind of person she is_. However, I already recognized that issue, making this circular thought - pointless. Perhaps I should abandon the prospect of thinking about this too much... just approach her, right?

B-But that's a tough enough task as it is... by all accounts, I'm what is popularly called a recluse. Not quite a hermit, because I do spend time outside my home, but I... well, I struggle with talking to others. It is this shortcoming - which, in of itself, has its own origins, that I feel not like going into - is what has caused me to be in the isolated position I am.

But maybe meeting this Natsuki is a good thing for me... someone who I can learn to be comfortable around, perhaps? I smile to myself, but I know I'm fantasizing... still, it would be nice...

Classes are uneventful, and not worth discussing. The only important parts of my day are the Literature Club, and any time I can spend in the library. Well, sometimes I like to talk to my mother, but... that's not relevant.

I enter the clubroom as I usually would - the second person there, after Monika. The Vice President - Sayori - is usually here third. I'm oddly interested to see whether Natsuki comes before or after Sayori... my question is answered when Sayori skips in the door, a bright smile on her face. I can think of no word more apt to describe her entire state of being other than "bubbly." I sit in a desk and calmly await the arrival of Natsuki, who hopefully won't be too long. My prediction - hope, rather - that she would arrive soon is granted, as she walks in the door shortly after I think that. I stand up in her presence, but she merely glances at me before Sayori grabs her attention.

"Heyyyy~! You're here! I mean, I knew you would be, since you're in the club and all, but you're here!" Sayori exclaimed in her always-excited tone.

Natsuki nodded. "Yeah, I'm here." She said, rather unceremoniously. She seems lost, like she doesn't know how to react to all of Sayori's enthusiasm. I understand that... it was difficult for me to get used to. But knowing her for long enough, I can at least partially react and deal with her... everything. Still, it makes me smile.

Monika steps into the conversation. "Sayori, I can understand your excitement, but mayhaps we should let our new recruit get adjust to the group with a more gentle approach." Nothing Monika says ever seems to offend Sayori, understandably I suppose. Monika has a way with words that seems to convince anyone of anything with no more than a gentle push. Sayori smiles and nods.

"My bad~! But it's exciting to have someone new join the club, don't you think?" She asks.

Monika nods. "Of course, and I'm sure Yuri feels the same way." I'm taken aback by the fact that she mentioned me at all, but I nod anyway.

"Y-Yes... i-it'll be interesting to, erm... uh, discuss l-literature, with her... ahm... a-all of us..."

I butchered that, ruined it. I wanted to seem interested in having Natsuki around, but without coming off as too attached to her. But I created that ruined sentence. I should've expected nothing better of myself.

Monika smiled. "See? You're more than welcome here. Make yourself at home. Go read, talk to Yuri, maybe. Sayori and I, as President and VP, have matters to discuss, if that's fine?"

Natsuki nods, and Monika smiles brightly at her. "Excellent then. The time is yours! Don't be afraid to ask for anything, of course."

It takes me a second to register that Monika just told Natsuki to talk to me. As sunny and delightful as she is, Monika can scheme like we're merely characters in her story... but I suppose it's fine, since she mostly uses her "powers" for "good." Still, my panic is justified, as I have no idea what this person is like. She walks towards my general direction, and just as I did yesterday, she sits a seat over from me. P-Perhaps it's good she didn't immediately come to sit right next to me. That might be too awkward... I am human, after all, so perhaps it's natural to be flustered in the presence of exceedingly attractive people.

Despite her being a desk over from me, Natsuki still turns to look at me. It's clear she feels prompted by Monika, because she asks hesitantly and awkwardly, but she does indeed ask me a question.

"S-So... e-erm, this is a literature club. What kinda books do you like to read?"

This is it, Yuri. The moment that's going to - well, popularly, I believe they call this a "make or break" moment.

"O-Oh, uh, I-I like horror."

I'm done for. It's true yes, I like horror novels, but... liking horror isn't a facet necessarily considered _normal_... even horror movies are mainstream, there are still stereotypes for "horror fans" that I'm sure I'm fitting into in her mind.

"Oh... how nice." She says, to my surpise.

"H-Huh?" I emote, whirling my attention back to her.

"I-I mean, I may not be super into it myself, but I respect that. I guess it does kinda seem interesting."

A smile grows on my face. "A-Ah... t-that's very nice of you to say... I'm glad I didn't offend you with my tastes..."

She chuckles. "Of course not! I'm not the sort to judge, you know..." She twirls her gorgeous pink hair around her finger... so adorable...

I smile lightly at her, and she smiles back, warm and beautiful. I don't think there's a word better than beautiful to describe her... _goddess_ , perhaps? Whatever the word, I still don't think I've ever seen anyone so beautiful as her. Especially when she's smiling...

But I blink, and she's not there. It takes me a second to come to my senses - that was just my imagination running amuck. In the few seconds between Monika talking to Natsuki and her choosing a seat, I'd made up for myself an entire scenario wherein she wanted to talk to me, to get to know me...

It's a sort of sad thing, isn't it? To construct a private reality for myself, in which I get to talk to someone I have a hopeless attraction to...

It's made even sadder when she walks right by me to sit in the back of the room. I thought she glanced at me while she walked back there... at least she can recognize that I exist. Plus, she knows my name, even if it is because Monika told it to her. Besides... it's not like I'm unused to being ignored. I'll just know her from afar... that's fine. She doesn't have to recognize that I exist, I can't ask something like that of her...

I'll just stay here, on the opposite side of the room, and notice her from afar. If that's the way it has to be, then so be it, I suppose... I can live with that. I already have experience enough with being on the side...


	2. The way it shouldn't be

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wherein I cave to the my own desires, and my unpleasant tendencies get the better of me.

As soon as I lay eyes on that pink hair, my entire body freezes.

She's sitting approximately halfway across the cafeteria. There are people around her, but she's obviously alone. She's not talking to anyone, or eating, just reading...

I look back down into my book. It was nice to see her here, I suppose. But it means nothing to me, really. It's not as if I'll get to talk to her at this rate, and just looking at her won't do anything for me.

Obviously that's true. But still, I glance up at her every now and again, just to... make sure she's okay, I suppose? No one seems to be talking to her, which is fine for her, I suppose... no one talks to me, either, so we have that much in common - even if it is a superficial trait.

I look back to my book, but still, it's difficult for me to stop taking quick glances, quick peeks. Perhaps you can understand, when you see a friend at the opposite side of a room, and they don't notice you, but you still can't help but keep glancing at them. Except, in this case, the "friend" is a person who's never spoken to me, and whose only trait that I am aware of is her attractiveness. Perhaps it doesn't exactly equate... regardless of the reasoning behind it, I still keep looking at her. But eventually, some... _oaf_ , some _imbecile_ , decides to sit in my _direct line of sight_. The gall... I consider asking him to move, but... what am I going to tell him? "Excuse me, I cannot see the person I know who's across the cafeteria." After all, why am I getting so upset about this to begin with? All I'm doing is looking at her... it's not as though it's something important... it does nothing to further Natsuki and I's... relationship? Mutual understanding. I know little about her, and her nothing about me, and it's not as though my looking at her is going to change anything.

I sigh, but before I can recognize what's going on, I've scooted to the side. I can see her now, even though it really shouldn't matter... I just told myself that it will accomplish _nothing_. I know this and recognize it. But I suppose it doesn't truly matter... after all, even if it's not helping, it shouldn't be hurting, right? Of course - it's a totally neutral action, and barely even an action at that. Really, it's not worth all this thought... it took me until _just now_ that I was agonizing over something so... stupid. I kick myself internally, for always overthinking and complicating things. I'll just go along my merry day, I suppose.

About a score of minutes passes, and I spent more of it just looking at Natsuki than actually reading. She doesn't move very much, other than to turn the pages of her book. I can only see her from behind, here, but she seems generally unhappy and upset. She turned around once, and I could see her scowl. Of course, at the time I assumed it was directed at me, and proceeded to have a miniature panic-attack... but all is fine, I think. Still though, it put me on edge... I'll have to calm down about it later.

Lunch ends, but Natsuki takes her time getting ready to leave. Usually, I leave somewhat early, but I was curious as to Natsuki's habits, so I waited a bit longer for her... she took about a minute after the bell ring to get up. Clearly she was immersed in whatever she was reading. I found out her sixth period was math, room 311. Quite away from my own sixth period, room 621... but that's fine, I suppose. It's not like I'd follow her there or anything...

Of course, that's why they always say, right?

* * *

12/3/2017

The snow blankets the landscape outside my window. It's a wondrous phenomenon, snow; I've always felt that.

But enough talk of snow. I've something to reveal to you, oh journal... I have a bit of a crush on Natsuki... oh, what fun! I feel so giddy just talking about it... I am just a high school girl, no matter what I do, aren't I? And to think that merely one week and four days ago, when I first wrote to you - I apologize, by the way, as I didn't have you at my father's house - I thought of such an idea as silly... well, now who's the silly one?

Oh, how much things have changed sine then... I'd like to think I have a better understanding of Natsuki now - well, of course, being that I've developed such affection for her~

For one, she's the sort of person who retaliates when shown affection. This sort of personality is endearing, especially since she gets so cute when she's worked up! Oh journal, if you had eyes to see how her nose scrunches up, her lip pouts, her cheeks turn as red as the ribbons in her hair, then you would agree wholeheartedly with me!

I know where all of her classes are now, too, so I can admire her beauty - if, from afar. But I'm willing to the pay the price of sitting in the backseat, if it makes her more comfortable... after all, we've spoken little by this point. It's an unfortunate truth, but if we spoke... I don't think I'd be able to contain myself! I'd get flustered and gush compliments at her... oh, she'd hate me! How sad, yes, but how lovely.

We even have the same free period - fifth. And where does she go but the library? Have you any idea how lucky I am? I've always gone to the library in my free period, and now I get to see _her_ in that time! Oh, journal, my wonderful journal, I love to tell you these things... my heart pounds as I tell them to you! Seeing her makes me so giddy... why, forgive me for perhaps misusing your pages, but I think I'll sketch a little doodle of her for you~!

I'm not the artist, but isn't she so beautiful? I didn't draw her smiling, no, but I still think her beauty can be appreciated through this simple image... I'm happy to have this girl around me - or perhaps more accurately, _I_ am the one around _her_. But it doesn't matter... I still get to see her every day. We almost talked in the literature club once, it was a heart-pounding experience for me. But, to be perfectly fair, we _almost_ talked... that is, we did not. Unfortunate, I know, but still, I can have her in my mind, can't I? Tee-hee~

Oh, journal, what a wonderful week it has been... today is Sunday, and so tomorrow I go to school, to see _her_... I've never been the sort of person who's particularly thrilled to go to school before, but with her there... things are so much more splendid than they were! I look forward to discussing my day with you tomorrow, my dear journal!

* * *

My second period teacher is generally lax about letting students out early from class, but I never usually took advantage of his policy in that regard. However, Natsuki's second period is a while away from mine, so I've taken advantage of his policy to get to there quicker. I wait for Natsuki around the corner, and when I see her come out of the classroom, I trail a safe distance behind her to her third period. She's never noticed me before, but that's fine. Does she need to? I don't believe so. I'm fine with things remaining the way they for the time being.

Eventually, she disappears into her third period, and I sigh a sweet sigh of affection for her as I put a hand to my cheek. I quietly utter her name to myself. "Natsuki..."

I turn around and head for my own third period. In that class, I doodle pictures of her at the top of my notebook. Oh, Natsuki...

I repeat the process for the transition from third to fourth period. And fourth to fifth, except Natsuki and I both have that period off... so, she goes to the library, and myself not far after. I sit in the library where I can clearly see her from the front, pretending to read. But all period, I simply enjoy the wonderful sight of her beauty... her pink hair, tied into pigtails with those wonderfully crimson ribbons... her amber eyes, so warm and beautiful it feels as if they alone could sweep me off my feet and marry me... her petite figure - I can have my tastes, can't I~?

I breath in and out and put my hand to my chest... my heart is pumping quickly, now, isn't it? Oh how this girl makes me feel... I want her so badly...

I've managed to translate some of that feeling into poetry recently. Thinking of it, I take out my poetry book and look through some of the more recent pages. The feelings I've poured into this journal about Natsuki... it makes me emotional just reading it. Ah, one of my favorites...

_"The Open Flame"_

_She sat there, alone and tired  
_

_An open flame atop a candlestick;_

_Night in, night out, she toiled,_

_to make the world brighter_

_but to no avail;_

_Her only admirer sat in the dark,_

_thinking to herself about the flame,_

_that sat atop the candle._

_The admirer stared in wonder,_

_at the flame atop the candlestick,_

_thinking of how it made her so grateful,_

_to have a light to guide her._

_The candle, so divine,_

_atop a golden candelabrum,_

_was the one thing she needed,_

_more than anything else._

_But the oblivious flame,_

_living alone,_

_never would know,_

_that her toil_

_was not in vain._

I'm sure by most poetic standards, it's nothing impressive, but it too well described how I feel about Natsuki... just by existing, she makes me so happy. I close my poetry journal, satisfied with what I've read for today. I focus my attention back to Natsuki, and I'm happy I did when I chose to... she was intently focused on whatever she was reading. Her eyes, so focused, with such passion in them, it was as if I could see the reflection of my own affection towards her in those amber pearls.

I smiled to myself, my cheeks no doubt going red - but I don't care. Let them! As if anyone was going to see me in this reclusive corner of the library... and I was fine with that. More time than I had realized, however, had passed, and the bell for lunch rang. I climbed out of my chair, and made sure to follow not too closely behind Natsuki, and to sit roughly in the middle of the cafeteria. This way, I had the best view of Natsuki I could get, without being too close for comfort.

This was the schedule I've followed daily for the past week and a half. Trailing Natsuki like this... some may call it risque, but I'm content living like this. I'm going to admire the candle's flame from the dark, because if I approached, it would burn out, and I would be lost in the darkness forever.

Thank you, Natsuki...


	3. Stalker

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Where I found out something weird.

"Hey, Natsuki," Someone says to me. I turn around to see a dark-skinned girl, a little bit taller than me, with white, poofy hair and big, round glasses. Her name is Aoi; I know her, but I don't _know_ her. Maybe it's better to say I know _of_ her, and clearly she knows of me.

"Yeah?" I ask.

"What's up with that girl who's been following you around?" She asks me.

Eh??

"I don't have a clue what you're talking about," I tell her, and it's true. I haven't heard of this before.

"Huh? You didn't notice? That tall girl that's been following you around since last week?"

I don't know anyone like that... but "tall girl" is a pretty useless description. That narrows it down to like, what, a third of the female population of the school?

"No... are you sure you have the right person?"

"I'm sure, I'm sure!" She straightens her glasses and nods. "I noticed it last Thursday, but I don't know if it's been going on since before then. She always shows up at the end of 2nd and 4th periods, but those are just the periods I have with you. She probably shows up to all your classes."

Now she's kinda creeping me out. "Still doesn't ring a bell..."

"Then she must be following you without your knowledge... yes, yes!" She has the kinda weird habit of ending sentences with "yes, yes!" like that. But I guess that was obvious from that that she said "yes, yes!" at the end of her sentence there. But it kinda fits her... she somehow speaks both softly and firmly at the same time. I guess it's just her voice.

"Hold on... are you sure she's following me?" I ask her.

"Well, she only seems to go when you come out of the classroom... and she follows you to the library during your free period, fifth."

"And how do you know that? You have class fifth."

"Western literature class. I went to the library Monday during that class to pick up a book, and I saw her sitting there, looking at you while being touchy with a book in her hands, yes, yes!"

How exactly is one _touchy_ with a _book?_ Weird how _that's_ the question on my mind now, but I just thought of it.

"So, hold on... you're trying to tell me that at least since last week, some girl's been following me around, watching me, while I have no idea about it?"

Aoi nodded. "Yes, yes! I want you to be careful. I've read enough yuri manga to know that the stalker-type is usually a yandere, and they get _viscous_. Dangerous crushes like that can end in someone getting hurt, yes, yes!"

Even as someone who loves manga, and will adamantly defend it to the day I die, basing reality on manga is kinda... deluded.

"Yeah, whatever... I say." Aoi looks upset by that.

"I'm serious... just look around when you leave this class today. She'll be there, yes, yes!"

"Will it get you off my case?" I ask.

Aoi puts her finger to her chin inquisitively, as is pondering whether she should leave me alone or not. Finally, she responds with a definite: "Yes, yes!"

I sigh. "Fine, then... though I'm not so sure why _you_ even care to begin with."

Aoi looks offended. "I'm not the sort of person to just let someone go through some sort of abuse and just stand there! Yes, yes!"

The irony is palpable.

"Whatever... if it turns out it's just a coincidence, or you're lying, there'll be, er... consequences."

Aoi smiles again. "I'm more than prepared to accept that! But... yes, yes! I'm most confident in my conclusion!"

When class _finally_ ends, I do as promised, and take a look around the hallway. At first, I don't see anything unusual, until... I turn straight to the right, and see a tall girl with dark purple hair peeking half of her body out from the corner. My eyes widen, and as soon as I notice, she ducks behind the corner, out of sight.

"That was her, yes, yes!"

I jump in shock at Aoi's comment right in my ear, almost elbowing her in the chin.

"Jeez! Aoi! Don't startle me like that, god damn..."

She ignores my statement, instead questioning me. "Did you recognize her?"

"I got some vague details, but I didn't see enough of her to full make her out. But she saw me see her, so she ducked behind the corner."

Aoi's eyes widened. "Ducked? Behind the corner? Then we must check for her, yes, yes!"

Before I could say anything, she grabbed me by the wrist and dragged me over to the corner. Lo and behold, no one was there.

"She must've escaped, then... yes, yes!"

"Hey, what happened to the 'get off my case' part of this deal?"

"We need to find her identity, yes, yes! But I don't know if you'll be able to see her in the library today, she must be extra-careful because of this... yes, yes!" Just as I ignored her just then, she ignores me. But that makes it so I ignored her once, and she ignored me twice... you'd better believe I'm keeping a good record of the score here.

I sigh. Aoi looks at me, with a serious look in her eye.

"Listen, Natsuki... you're being very begrudging here, and normally I could understand that, yes yes... but this is serious. You have a stalker - a _stalker_ , yes yes."

I look at her straight in the eye, saying nothing. She takes that as an invitation to continue speaking.

"This is a serious issue. You could be in danger."

I sigh, not out of exasperation this time, though.

"W-What am I going to do, though?" I say, letting my voice crack a little. Seriously, though, it is a creepy thought... having a stalker... and a _girl_ stalker, at that.

Aoi smiles at me, softening that serious tone in her voice. "Listen, I'm going to help you out with this... I guess you could say I have had a little bit of experience with this sort of situation before, yes, yes."

I want to ask her what she means by that, but the unthinkable happens... the bell rings.

"S-Shit!" I yell. "We're late to third period!"

"Blame the stalker, yes, yes!" Aoi says to me before running off. Not even a goodbye?

Whatever, it doesn't matter. All that matters is that I get to my damn third period on time...

Suddenly, however, Aoi runs back after me.

"W-Wait!" She shouts between heavy breathing. "S-Sit with me at lunch! I sit near the middle, you can't miss me!"

Eh? Whatever, I guess... she runs off before I actually have a chance to answer. But that's not my main concern... what matters is third fucking period!

* * *

 _Every class_ she follows me? Will she actually be here for this period, though?

I ask myself that at the end of third period. She might not, since I kinda scared her off at the end of second period. But maybe she's that determined? She loves me _that much?_

Listen, I'm not here to get flustered by a stalker. I know full well that all stalkers want is control and power - they're obsessive. So fuck that "she loves me" bullshit. Whoever she is, she's a piece of shit, I'm sure.

My train of thought is interrupted by the third period bell ringing, which lets me conduct my experiment - will she be there?

In order to answer that question, I first exit out the door of my third period. I look around, and... there she is. I can't make out her face, but I recognize the hair. Long, flowing, dark purple hair... without a shred of doubt, that's her. _My stalker_. She again notices that I noticed her, and runs off. I consider making chase, but... I think it'd be a bad idea. Anyway, now third period's over, so I get to go to fourth. Woo. However, I forgot something Aoi said today: she's in my fourth period.

As soon as I walk in, Aoi motions me over to sit next to her. I guess she's kinda my _friend_ now, since this morning... which is kinda weird. But I guess it's not the sort of thing that can be avoided or questioned, now.

I sigh and comply with Aoi's request. She grins at me as I sit next to her, but as soon as she wants to say something to me, the teacher starts talking.

"Excuse me, everyone! If you would get your notebooks, please!"

Augh, she's going into lecture-mode. Of course she is. Whatever. Aoi, however, doesn't seem so deterred. She slips a folded piece of paper onto my desk, and in pen - a _lovely_ ink pen, may I add - she's asked me: "Did you see stalker girl??"

I take my pencil out and write to her: "Yeah, but she ran away." Upon seeing that, she scowled at me, passing the note back to me quickly.

"Why didn't you go after her??? >:("

I sigh and give her a look. I write to her, "It couldn't have made things any better"

"You sure?"

"Yes! What should I have done if I caught her??"

Aoi takes a second to respond on that one. Eventually, she passes the note back.

"Good point, I don't know. Hehe :)"

I look at her with an agitated expression on my face, but she just keeps grinning at me like an idiot. Dummy...

Eventually, the teacher gets out lecture mode, and goes into "you guys can do your classwork" mode. Of course, as soon as she sits at her desk, everyone starts talking - including Aoi to me.

"So," she begins, "did you get a good look at her?"

"She was out in the open, but I didn't get any good details of her face. All I saw was what I already knew - she has long, dark purple hair. Which, I guess I'll know who it is if I see anyone like that?"

Aoi nodded. "Yes, yes! At the least, it'll narrow it down."

"Well, it certainly narrows it down more than 'tall girl' does," I remark, smirking. Aoi doesn't seem to notice it's a slight against her, but it was more of a joke anyway, so it doesn't matter.

"Yes, yes! And your next period is your free period, so you'll be able to spot her now that you know what to look for."

"That is, assuming she's there... she must've noticed by now there's a pattern of me noticing her. Maybe she's going to abandon her efforts for the time being?"

"It's still worth checking, yes, yes!" Aoi said, nodding as if to agree with her own point. "Stalkers can be so obsessed that they ignore everything else in their lives, even the law, just for the object of their obsession, yes, yes!"

I'm still confused as to what she meant earlier by "having experience," but I don't really feel like asking right now. Aoi's the only "ally" I have in this situation, so the least I can do is try not to offend her.

"Well, whatever you say, I guess..." I sigh. Aoi puts her hand on my shoulder.

"Don't worry, Nats! We'll stop her, yes, yes!"

I don't recall giving her permission to call me Nats, but again, _whatever_. I feel like that's kinda my attitude to everything now, which is a little upsetting.

After a little banter, she and I actually manage to get some work done - key word, _some_. Eventually, she starts asking me questions again.

"Are you going to your usual place for your free period?"

"Eh? I guess, probably."

"Good. I recommend it, yes, yes. If she shows up there, you can confront her!"

I guess when I think about it, there really is nothing to do other than to confront my stalker when I find her. To what other end would I be working right now? To just find and her say "well I found wally, guess I'm done now," and call it a day? Obviously I have to confront her... that is, if she's there.

She wasn't.

Fourth period ended unceremoniously, and fifth began the same way. But no stalker to be seen.

Not for the rest of the day, actually.

And so, at the end of it all, I trudged into the literature club feeling an unusual mix of satisfaction - my stalker had left me alone for today - and disappointment - I still didn't know who she was.

Monika sat at the front desk like she was a teacher, Sayori sat in some random desk doodling, and...

Wait...

How the fuck had this not occurred to me earlier?!

Sitting down on the floor, face buried in a book, sweating bullets...

Was my stalker, _Yuri_...


	4. Murphy's law

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wherein all that could go wrong, does.

I buried my face deeper into my book, trying to keep Natsuki out of my field of view the best I possibly could. No matter how much I tried, however, I could still feel the oppressive energy that gradually approached me. I was quivering, sweating profusely, and I already felt ready to cry, and she hadn't even spared but a word for me yet...

_"Yuri."_

That was her voice, undoubtedly.

I lowered my book to reveal my eyes, and only my eyes.

"Y... Y-Yes?" I shakily uttered.

"We need to talk. Privately."

I nodded, quickly standing up and following her outside the club room. Briefly, I saw Monika glance over to us, but she said nothing.

As soon as Natsuki closed the door, she looked me right in the eye with a fire not of passion, but of rage. That alone was enough to make me jump back in fear.

"You've been following me..." She growled.

There it was... I was shocked when she saw me earlier, _twice_ no less, but during the free period and lunch I managed to cool myself down... relatively speaking. I've still been shaking almost consistently since third period...

"N-N-N-Natsuki... I-I..."

"You'd better have a pretty good fucking reason why you've been _stalking_ me."

 _Stalking?_ That word's a bit harsh, I felt... it's not as if I wished to abduct or harm her... a-all I did was... I-I just...

"I-I-I... I-I'm s-s-sorry..."

"Don't give me that bullshit!" She raised her voice. "You have _genuinely_ angered me!"

I know I have... I'm so sorry, Natsuki... I... I just liked... l-looking at you... you're so... beautiful... but I can't articulate that right now, and Natsuki takes my silence as an invitation to continue talking.

"Listen, I always thought you were just a weird kid who sat at the back of the club room and just read, which is _fine_ on its own... but you followed me to my classes, you _watched me_ in the library, probably in the lunch room too! Do you have any concept of how fucking deluded that is? Or have you convinced yourself it's normal and okay in your head?"

I shook my head, fighting back tears. "I-I-It was w-wrong..."

"No shit it was wrong!" She yelled at me. "I don't need my fucking _stalker_ to explain to me that _stalking_ is wrong! The fact that you got all fucking worked-up about it as soon as you fucking noticed me approaching you should be enough proof that you did something horribly fucking wrong - to say the _absolute_ fucking least!"

I nodded - it was all I could accomplish in this state. I could feel the tears flowing down my cheeks now, for there was nothing I could do to stop them. She became visibly irate at the sight of my tears, but didn't comment on them.

"I just don't get where you fucking get off... staring at me all day! What the fuck do you get out of that, you sick fuck!"

I managed to choke out a few words in response. "Y-Y-You're... p-pr-pretty..."

A hint of disgust appeared on Natsuki's face along with her rage. "You fucking creep... so you followed me around because you thought I was fucking _pretty?_ So you could just stare me at all day? That's _so fucking creepy_..."

I was at my limit. I bowed to her. "I-I-I'm s-s-so sorry..."

"Don't fucking give me that-"

I couldn't take it anymore. I ran away. It was the best thing I could do for her, after all... I'd followed her before, but now, I'd have to avoid her... I can't see her again, not after this... I don't care about the literature club... I don't care about my bag, which I left in there... I don't care about Sayori, or Monika... I just need to leave... I need to go...

* * *

12/6/2017

I may seem calm in writing, oh dear journal, but I'm shaking as I write this. Forgive me for the sloppy handwriting.

I believe this entire situation is an example of Murphy's Law - all that which can go wrong, will. From the beginning this has been an example of that law. The worst-case scenario in which Natsuki joined the literature club was I falling madly in love with her, and stalking her... and that's exactly what happened. From there, the worst-case scenario was she found out and berated me for being so awful - and that is exactly what happened today.

Perhaps it's not the worst-case scenario... for her, she's now rid of her stalker. This is the best situation for her, probably. And good for her, I suppose. But I'm resigned to my fate. No longer will I watch from the side, I'll simply not watch at all, deprave myself of interaction. To this point, it's never gone well. That is my rationalization of the recent unfortunate turn of evens, and I can accept this fate.

Still, my dear journal, I was only able to write in you to begin with because I, well... _fed the raccoon_ , so to speak. Blood still drips from my arms as I write this... forgive me if I stain your pages. I ought to wash off... indeed, I think I shall. I bid you adieu, my dear journal, my closest confidant.

* * *

I kept my promise to my journal, and washed off my arms in the shower. I don't want to go to school tomorrow. I _can't_ \- given my emotional state, and because... if I were to go, I could see Natsuki... the object of my horrid desire for almost two weeks. My mother is understanding about mental health days, so I'll likely be able to avoid going back to school. But I can't avoid it forever... eventually I'll have to face going back there, seeing _her_.

I sigh to myself, exhausted, and throw myself in bed. I've had enough thinking. All I can do is push my face into a pillow and cry, cry myself to sleep until my eyes are totally dry...

I woke up the next morning with a dry throat, eyes red from crying last night, and my hair a disheveled mess. I sat up weakly in my bed, absorbing my surroundings. My clock says it's 8:10. Normally I leave for school at 6:45... I don't want to go, anyway, I've made that clear. My mother must've come in earlier, taken one look at me, and decided I didn't need to be waken up - that was excellent judgement on her part.

I tried to get up, but I fell to the floor with a thud - how unfortunate. Another item to tack onto the list of unfortunate events in recent days.

I didn't bother changing. I brushed my hair, and that was enough. I just... idly stood in my room for a few minutes, unsure of what to do now. What _was_ I supposed to do now? After yesterday, I'm not sure what do with myself.

I look around my room, searching for inspiration, when I see a copy of one of my favorite books: _The Portrait of Markov_. I've read it twice before now. But if there's one thing to calm me down, then it's an excellent horror novel.

So, I pick it up again. And that's what I decide to put myself to today: rereading _The Portrait of Markov_. And so I do. All day... I start at roughly 8:30 AM, and by 7:45 PM, I've finished it. It's made me feel... significantly better. It's a calming, relaxing experience to read it. Not that the subject matter itself is relaxing, but it's such a masterfully-woven story... it makes me feel happy to read, especially when I have nothing else...

I haven't eaten all day, so I decide to go rummage around for some food downstairs. Our family does not struggle for food, so I easily throw together a quick meal and return to my room upstairs.

I think I'll take tomorrow off, too... I can read some more. What other novels should I reread, I wonder?

* * *

**CONCLUDE, PROLOGUE  
**


	5. Slice of life

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wherein I spend a completely ordinary day at the literature club.

**OPEN, ACT I**

* * *

1/7/2018

Today is the final day of winter break... unfortunate, is it not, my dear journal? I thoroughly enjoyed this break. It was certainly a nice reprieve, given how unfortunate the weeks preceding it were... but the past is the past, correct?

Still, going to school again is going to be an interesting experience, I expect. I do miss the literature club... I thank Monika for making it a comfortable environment where we can all openly discuss literature, even if Natsuki tends to reject what I say. Still, I understand her being upset at me in general, considering what I did... but as I said, the past is in the past, correct? At least I can coexist in her presence, even if she doesn't like me. At least I'm well beyond over her now. That was an unhealthy time for me. I can confidently say that the new me would never stalk someone! But as I keep saying, the past is in the past... ah, I keep ignoring myself on that anyway. And if you are the place to espouse my thoughts to, dear journal, then why not discuss the past if it's on my mind?

I am happy with the way I evolved after that incident. My "love" for Natsuki, I can now recognize, was an obsession. It's better that I now regard her the same as any of the other members of the literature club. And I'm in a much better place now, anyway. I'm not the same sort of stalker-person I was then... and spending time with family over the break has helped me at least slightly come out of my shell - that is, at least I can talk to someone about something now. I can do just slightly more than sit in the corner and brood in my own self-pity. Isn't that nice, my dear journal?

Well, that can also be thanked to Monika. As I said, she made the literature club a place where we can openly discuss literature, and it is that open discussion which also helped me to interact more with others.

And, as for Natsuki... I can understand the way she is. I'll always try to be kind to her, but I understand and tolerate her belligerent attitude. It's my fault, to begin with. At least she made a friend in the process, that Aoi girl... being that she isn't in the literature club, I don't know much about her, but she and Natsuki seem to get along, which is nice. Sayori told me she did fine over the break - I have her number in phone, in case you were wondering, dear journal - which is good for her. I don't know the details, and I haven't spoken to her in a while, but I don't see any motivation for her to lie about that. Monika says she did splendidly, she even went on vacation to Taiwan over the break, promising to bring photos back the first day back. I'm excited to see them; I admire Taiwan, though my family is from Korea. It was kind of rough at first when family who _only_ spoke Korean came over for the holidays, but I can kind of speak it a little better now, enough to hold a "how have you been" sort of conversation. Not that it'll be useful here in Japan, though. Still, perhaps it will be an interesting resume skill.

But I believe I've written enough for today, my dear journal; it's already to the point where I could go to bed. I do want to be well-rested for the first day back, after all! I bid you adieu, my journal, and I shall write you tomorrow.

* * *

The day passes as a fairly normal school day would, the standard "first day back." Teachers don't give out real assignments, rather just some reintroductory lessons for anything we might've forgotten over break. I suppose it's kind of nice to be back in all my classrooms, but I think nothing especially highly of it.

I sit alone in the library during my free period, reading one of the books I got for Christmas. It's an interesting read, enough to capture my interest and attention. I nibble at my food a bit during lunch, but I'm not hungry today - I focus mostly on reading. I guess I neglected how much free time I have to read over break, since I have to scramble together whatever free time I have to read two chapters today.

However, the main event of the day - for me at least - is the literature club. Gleefully, I walk down to the club room after eighth period ends.

As is tradition, I arrive at the club as the second person there, the president Monika naturally being first. Monika smiles to me.

"Afternoon, Yuri! It's been too long."

I smile back at her.

"Of course, Monika. I'm excited to get back into the club..." I say.

"Still as soft-spoken as ever, I see," Monika teases. I guess my voice is kinda soft and quiet, but that'll probably never change. According to my mother, it sounds "mature and womanly, yet soft and gentle."

"Some things don't change... have you been reading anything good as of late?"

"I didn't have much time to read over break, since I was in Taiwan, so I'm still reading that Dostoevsky book you sold me on."

I nod. "Naturally. It makes sense, my family came over from Korea to see me over the break, so I didn't get _as_ much time to read. Still, I found a way."

"I'm glad for you, then. I know how much you love a good book."

I nod, and as soon as I hear footsteps coming in the room, I turn to my right to greet Sayori.

"Ah, Say-" It's not Sayori. It's Natsuki. "Ah, my apologies, Natsuki. I'm unused to you arriving her before Sayori, so I said her name by mistake."

"Yeah... whatever, dummy." She said. I still smile at her; I understand her motivation.

Still, I do find it odd that Natsuki is here before Sayori. But it's nothing too strange; if we always got upset over things like who arrives when in an informal scenario like this, we wouldn't progress as a society.

But Sayori never comes in. After a minute or two, however, a relatively tall boy - still shorter than I - appears in the doorway. His dark brown, almost black hair is slightly long, but not enough to past his neck; it looks soft, taken care of, and his eyes are hazel.

"Uhm, excuse me, is this the literature club?" He asked. Monika was the one who responded.

"Yes... how can I help you, young sir?" She asked, despite him not looking that much younger than her.

"Ah, I'm glad I found you." He stepped in the room, smiling with relief. But despite his smile, his eyes looked... stressed. "I'm Chidori - that's my family name. My given name is Masaaki. Sayori just calls me MC though."

"Sayori? You know her?" Monika asked.

"Yeah... we go way back." He said. "But anyway, she's the one who sent me here. She wants me to let you know she won't be here today."

"Hm? Why not?" Monika asked.

"Eph... I told her it'd be difficult to be the bearer of bad news to you guys, but she insisted..."

Monika's expression was inquisitive. "Bad news...?"

"She specifically wanted _me_ to tell you guys... she's, erm... she's in the hospital, after a suicide attempt over break."

Monika's eyes widen. Natsuki's jaw drops. I... she... she did that?

"She didn't want to tell you guys herself, but she wanted you to know, so she asked me to tell you..." He said, averting his eyes from any of the people in the room.

I can... barely take that information in. Sayori... she was always so happy... she radiated an energy that made the people _around_ her happy... she was so bubbly, always smiling... h-how could... h-how could _she_...

"I... MC, was it? Please, c-come sit..." Monika said, with an uncharacteristic shakiness to her voice. MC complied, picking the nearest desk to him. Monika turned the chair just in front of him around and sat in it.

"MC... Masaaki? Chidori?"

"MC is fine."

"Alright, MC... t-tell me more... t-tell me everything..."

"I'll tell you what Sayori is comfortable with." MC asserted. Natsuki and I picked seats near him, and Monika nodded.

"Alright," MC continued, "well... I know this comes as a surprise... it came as a surprise for me... but Sayori, pretty much her entire life, has been dealing with really, _really_ severe depression. She and I caught up towards the beginning of break, and I'm really glad we did, because if we didn't, uh..." He trailed off, but I understood what he meant - she'd be dead by now.

"A-Anyway... I found her on the 3rd of January. Five days ago. I was concerned, since the previous night, she had talked to me a lot about how she'd been struggling... so I walked up to her room, uh, a-and..."

Clearly, it was hard for him to relive those events too. He wiped away some forming tears in his eye.

"I-I found her, hanging... b-but she was still alive... I-I managed to save her, and... well, she's been in the hospital since then. I didn't want to go to school today, I wanted to stay with her, but she insisted I tell you guys..."

It took me a second to notice the tears forming in my eyes. I wiped them away, though. I... I can't believe this happened... I can't believe I never noticed... I should've payed more attention.

"Oh, uh, a-and..." MC said. "She wanted me to tell you she's fine now. She doesn't want any of you to blame yourselves. It's not connected to any of you, it's beyond your control."

Monika was visibly shaking, and Natsuki's face was in her hands. I sat silently. I didn't want to say anything, and it didn't seem anyone else did, either. And so, we all sat in silence. Until, that is, Monika spoke up.

"I should have done something... I should've noticed."

"S-She said she didn't want you to blame yourselves..."

"And that's the kind of person Sayori is. She's kind, and cares about others, so she doesn't want me to feel bad for this, even though I could've done something..."

"You had no idea..."

"Shut up! S-Shut up!" Monika shouted. MC hung his head low, looking down at his lap.

Monika stood up. "As club president, _I_ am responsible. Natsuki, Yuri... don't kick yourselves for this. This... was me..."

"W-Would you like to talk to Sayori?" MC asked. "She said she'd be fine if one of you guys wants to visit her at a time..."

"Y... Yes. So I can apologize for my shortcomings."

MC nodded. "I'll have to talk to her later, but I'm sure she'll be fine with it..."

Monika sighed. "MC... come take a walk with me." MC complied, following her out into the hallway. Natsuki and I stayed where we were. I glanced over to her, only to see her face still in her hands.

"N-Natsuki... are you okay?"

"O-Of course I'm not fucking okay! How could anybody be 'okay' after hearing their friend tried to fucking _kill themselves_?!"

I sank back into my seat.

"O-Of course... I'm sorry..."

Natsuki sighed. "Dummy..."

"I-I know... I know I'm just an idiot... I should've expected you wouldn't be okay. I apologize for being that way."

Natsuki looked at me confoundedly. "Why... why do you always just apologize? I call you an idiot and treat you like a bitch, but you always just fucking apologize... why??"

That question surprised me. "Well... I understand why you hate me. I... I stalked you, for more than a week. I completely understand you never forgiving me for that... wouldn't it be unfair if I fought back? It'd make me even worse..."

She just looked at me for a second, and sighed. "You've changed a lot since then, haven't you?"

I smiled weakly. "For the better, I'd like to think..."

Natsuki sighed. "Yeah, for the better. Whatever... dummy."

I let myself feel content with Natsuki agreeing that I've changed for the better, but... I shouldn't dawdle on it for too long. I don't want to fall back into the way I was... plus, there are bigger issues here, Sayori's attempt chief among them.

Suddenly, Monika and MC return from the hallway. MC just looks tired, and Monika unsatisfied. Monika sat at the teacher's desk, and MC quietly announced his departure and left.

"I... feel it's inappropriate to continue the club today, in the current situation." Monika said. "And I'm sure neither of you feel particularly in the mood to discuss literature today... j-just go home."

Natsuki stood up wordlessly, grabbed her bag, and left. I did the same, but slower. Before I step out the door, I turn to Monika.

"Monika... I-I'm sorry this happened."

Monika shook her head. "No, you had nothing to do with it, Yuri..."

I nod. "Neither did you, Monika."

She weakly feigned a smile. "Y-Yeah..."

I left the literature club. I didn't expect that what seemed to be such a fine day, would end so dreadfully. But as I've learned, it is best to hope for the future, more than worry over the past. Sayori's in the hospital now... she's getting the help she needs. Masaaki - er, MC - is there for her. And Monika's going to meet her at some point, and Sayori will clear up that it's not her fault or anything.

This is the sort of thinking I've accepted. After I hit my low point - the obsession with Natsuki - it would seem that all I can do is go up. I think I'll go home and read.


	6. One in a series of incidents

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wherein Natsuki and I have an unpleasant afternoon.

I'd like to think like that. I'd like to think that if I _act_ like everything's fine, everything _will_ be fine. I forced myself to believe it, but... it just isn't true, is it? _Nothing_ is fine right now. Sayori is in the hospital from a suicide attempt, _nothing is okay_. I can't deal with it internally; I even cut last night. And I'm so, so very sick of acting like everything is fine when it's not. I detest it, more than anything else, and it's to the point where I've reached my limit. However... if I don't, then who will? If no one does, there will be nothing to hold the club together, and will we then not lose everything? Even Monika's cracking under this situation... it's awful, unpleasant, and decidedly _not fine_.

And so, I walk into the literature club, a stupid, ingenuine smile on my face like an idiot. Natsuki's there, sitting on the floor with her back to wall. 'It's abnormal,' I think, 'considering she usually arrives after I.' Monika is nowhere to be seen.

I plop myself down in a random seat and take out a book in silence. I'm not actually reading it, of course; as if I could focus on a book right now. Natsuki glances at me inquisitvely

"You..." She pauses. I dearly hope she stops talking; I am at my _limit_. If she inquires as to why I'm smiling at a time like this, I may yet burst. "You don't... seem particularly upset, given the circumstances."

 _'Shut up, shut the fuck up, Natsuki... I've put on a happy face all fucking day despite the feelings in my heart, so I'm not particularly interested in hearing the lot from you.'_ That's what I'm thinking, and what I want to say, but I hold my tongue.

"I'm not happy," I coldly say in hushed tone. It's the only tone I can put on without revealing the irritation and spite built up in my system.

"No shit... none of us are happy... Monika's not here today, I think she's visiting Sayori."

_'Oh, so you're just stuck here with Yuri then, are you?'_

"Hopefully things get cleared up with her, then. Monika blames herself a lot."

Natsuki seems ever so slightly taken aback, likely because I'm not the sort of person who would use a basic quantitative adjective like "a lot." But articulating my statements is not necessarily the thing occupying most of my thought process at the moment.

She got up from the floor, setting her bag in a chair and sitting on a desk.

"So... why the smile, then?" She asked.

Do you want to know, Natsuki? Do you truly, genuinely want to know?

I look straight at her, and ask. "Do you really want to know? Genuinely, the reason?"

Natsuki slowly nodded, her expression morphing into concern - not for me, or Sayori, but to what I was going to say next.

"I'm smiling because I have to. I have to pretend that everything is okay. But you and I both comprehend that the contrary is true; _nothing_ is okay. Sayori is in the hospital, and you and I cannot get over our _hate_ for one another over a _horrible_ thing I did over the course of a week, even in the face of this situation. Monika is cracking under the pressure and entirely blames herself for the incident, and the poor boy from yesterday got caught in the middle of a bunch of people he doesn't even know. And so I have to pretend that everything is okay, because _no one else FUCKING will_. And if no one does, then we lose this literature club, and if we lose this literature club, we lose everything - _I_ lose everything. That is why I have a cretinous fucking smile on my face, Natsuki. Can you comprehend that?"

Deeply, I inhale and exhale. Having just vented the entirety of my feelings onto Natsuki, I am understandably exasperated. I look her straight in the eye, only to see... she's crying - or, at least tears are running down her face.

"Natsuki-"

"D-Don't 'Natsuki' me!" She shouted. " _Y-YOU_ think it's hard to keep a straight face when everything's shit?! I know fucking _everything_ about dealing with bullshit and acting like everything's okay! I don't fucking need _YOU_ explaining how fucking hard it is go through - believe me, I fucking know, you cunt!"

All I could say was her name. "...N-Natsuki...?"

"Shut up, shut the fuck up! You're terrible, you're _fucking_ horrible!" She yelled, running out into the hallway, leaving her things behind. "I hate you! I hate you...!"

And so, I was left alone in the club room. I sighed, and put my head in my hand. I shouldn't have snapped at Natsuki... I shouldn't have, I shouldn't have... and I'm sure she's right. I'm just a bitch: a horrible, selfish, cruel bitch. I insulted her by thinking only of myself and my experiences. I don't know what she lives with, but I shouldn't have assumed I was the only person suffering. My selfishness truly knows no bounds, does it?

I don't know what to do with Natsuki's bag; I don't know what will happen if I merely leave it there, perhaps it'll be stolen eventually, perhaps she'll come back for it. But I can't count on that; after all, I left my bag behind the day my obsession with Natsuki ended. Fortunately, Monika held onto for me. Monika isn't here in this situation, however, so it should be I that takes it, correct? But if Natsuki comes back, she'll think I've stolen it...

Well, whatever... she thinks low of me as is, and I'm agonizing far too much over this. I decide to hold on to her bag for her and simply leave. I'll find her tomorrow morning, and give it to her then. I already know where to find her in the mornings, thanks to... events.

I grab it and make my way out of the classroom. "I'm sorry, Natsuki..." I mutter to myself.

* * *

1/9/2018

Today was a most unfortunate day, regrettably. But given the situation with Sayori in the hospital, that is only natural, is it not? Everyone is on edge... but it feels as if things were especially bad, even for a situation like this. But I'm viewing this from a skewed perspective, am I not? As an insider, that is. Still, to put the situation into the fewest possible words, I am unhappy.

Natsuki and I had a fight today. We were the only two people in the literature club, and our friend is in the hospital after a suicide attempt, and yet still we managed to find an argument in that. Well, no - rather, _I_ managed to find an argument in that situation. I'd been living all day with the stress of maintaining a "happy face," to pretend that nothing is wrong, and so I snapped on Natsuki. I offended her, and so she became enraged at me and left the room in tears. I deeply regret having said anything at all, and I consider the whole affair a result of my own doing. And what's more, as a result, I now have Natsuki's bag; for you see, dear journal, she had left the club room without it, having stormed off, and so I held onto it for her. Due to unfortunate experiences, I know already where to find her in the morning. I'll deliver her bag to her then.

And yes, if for no other reason to keep record, I did _feed the racoon_ today.

On that sour note - fitting, given the sour day - I'll finish this entry off, my dearest journal. Fare thee well.

* * *

On the next morning, I made sure to immediately rush to school. I need to get there early, if I'm to return Natsuki's bag to her.

I rush into the school building. I remember, back from those _unfortunate_ days, that Natsuki tends to lurk around the outdoor vending machines to the south of the school's entrance before class begins. And so, I head in that direction. My prediction is proven true when I come across them and see none other than Natsuki and her friend, Aoi, by the vending machines. A sight I haven't seen in so very long...

_I hid around the corner, my body pressed up against the brick wall, save for my head, which I craned over to see Natsuki. There she is, as beautiful as she ever has been... this position was particularly uncomfortable - the texture of the bricks stuck to my outfit, and my breasts felt crushed between my body and the wall - but I don't care. Natsuki's right there... I love her, so much..._

I blink, having remembered for a split second what I used to do from here... the way I was; a memory which I believe will linger with me so long as I live.

"N-Natsuki!" I cry out her name, walking towards them. Natsuki looks at me coldly, if mildly irritated; Aoi looks tense, surprised. I don't think we've ever actually interacted, so I imagine her image of me is entirely based upon I being Natsuki's former stalker. I'm not upset, however; it's not as if I'm deserving of Aoi having a positive image of me.

"Y-Your bag..." I say, having finally approached them. I'm holding onto Natsuki's bag by the strap in my outstretched hand; suddenly, Natsuki violently grabs the bag from me.

"Okay, whatever." She says, coldly. Before I turn to leave, I notice her eye looks injured - a black eye?

"N-Natsuki, what-"

"Okay! Good _byyye_ , Yuri!" She interrupts me. I turn around and leave; clearly, it's none of my concern, and it's not as if I need to pry and solidify my position as "stalker girl." But still... I know my position in regards to Natsuki: she hates me. I've done nothing but offend her, so it's understandable. But it all still feels so sad, so unfortunate. I feel, oddly, that I wish it wasn't this way, even though I know full well I've done nothing but ensure the propagation of the status quo, or even worsen it.

I didn't notice it immediately, but I'm itching my arm as I think. Is it really time to _feed the racoon_ , so early in the morning? Things are getting worse... but they're only going to worsen if I break tradition, aren't they?

I comply with my urges and escape into the womens' restroom... there's still about 10, 15 minutes until classes actually begin, so as long as I'm quick about things, I can probably finish in here and be in time for class.

The knife I keep with me for out-of-home purposes is a rather nice one, but not my finest - that one, I would not risk losing. Still, the out-of-home knife is exquisitely crafted, with an intricately curved blade and a firm comfortable handle. I especially love the way this one feels to drag across the skin... to allow its curved edge to naturally follow the skin, to delicately open a wound... oh, what rapture! I quiver in agony and pleasure, and with no one else to hear, allow myself to emit a small, quiet, "yip" in the silence of the restroom.

By the time I've come to my senses, I've about 4, 5 minutes left until I have to be in my first period class. Therefore, I make my quickest possible attempt to wash off and clean up before I rush upstairs to my first period classroom. I am, fortunately, successful, and make it to first period completely on time. From then on, the school day is completely ordinary - until, of course, I arrive at the literature club that after.

Because, as it would seem, there is some unknown reason that there never is a "normal" literature club meeting.


	7. Unpleasant surprise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Where I find out something I wish I hadn't.

I've come to like Aoi a lot. She's usually a pretty fun person to be around. She listens to me, she's funny, she's never dull, and she's overall a good friend. But something I like about her is that she can be meek sometimes. Like if she asks me where my black eye came from, or the bruises on my legs, or why I'm not getting lunch despite being so damn hungry, I can just tell her to shut up, and she listens to me - she shuts up. Most people aren't like that - they get all concerned, and try to talk to you, or call CPS or some bullshit like that. That has never ended well, _ever_.

But you know who I _don't_ like? Yuri whatever-her-last-name-is. She's a fucking _bitch_. Okay, so first she stalked me for, like, a week and a half. I finally caught her and she stopped, so I didn't like her, but she was _fine_ for a while. But then, when Sayori's in the hospital, she has the fucking _guts_ to snap at _me_ \- _ME_ \- about how hard it is to pretend like everything's fine, as if I don't fucking know anything about it. And then she takes my bag for me. What, she thought I wasn't gonna go back and get it? Sure, fine, she thought I was gonna leave it behind. But thanks to her taking that bag, my dad wondered where the fuck my bag was when I got home, and he didn't wanna hear my explanation, so he... I don't need to explain it. But it wouldn't have _fucking_ happened if Yuri hadn't've grabbed my damn bag! Even when she's not trying, she _still_ always manages to fuck shit up, and it's _seriously_ pissing me off. I _do not like her_.

"Oi, Natsuki!" Aoi said, cutting into my thoughts. "Wanna spend lunch outside today?" It was then that I remembered: we were walking in the hall right by the cafeteria, deciding what to do. Neither of us had any reason to go into there; she had packed lunch, and I didn't have any money to buy anything.

"Outside? It's January, it must be ass-cold," I tell her.

"Mn, no, no! It's warm for January today. It's supposed to be 12° right now, yes, yes!"

"Eh, that's still not especially warm..."

"Aw, pleeeease, Natsuki! I'll let you use my scarf, if you'd like!" She pleaded with me.

I sighed. "Alright, fine, fine. But I catch cold, I'm giving it to you, too."

Aoi smiled triumphantly. "Ah, but Natsuki! It's only 12°. 12° isn't _that_ cold, right?"

Maybe not for her. But I'm scrawny, I don't have a lot of fat or muscle to keep me warm. Aoi's not necessarily chubby, but she certainly has more mass than me - though, that alone isn't saying much. But hey, I guess it can't hurt to spend one lunch period outside, right? And Aoi wants to do it really badly, so I can at least humor her for today.

"C'mon, let's just go." I say. Aoi nods, leading the way as we go out the front door and into the school's main courtyard. There's not really anyone else here, just like, _a_ kid sitting at one of the tables. I expected something like this - no one goes outside for lunch in January. You know why? Because it's fucking _January!_ It's cold! But whatever, I already promised Aoi we'd spend lunch out here, and she doesn't seem bothered.

She picks a spot further out, towards where the wall forms a left corner. See, the way the courtyard is... well, imagine you have a flat wall. Now make a big square indent in that wall. That's basically the courtyard. She picked a table near the "lip" of the courtyard.

She and I sat down next to one another at the table, Aoi taking out her lunchbox and plopping it down in front of her. "Isn't this cool, fresh air so nice, Natsuki?" She asked, smiling.

"Y-Y-Yeah..." I say, teeth chattering.

"Ah, I'm sorry! I almost forgot," She suddenly exclaimed. She pulled a long, white wool scarf from her bag and wrapped it around my neck to warm my face. "I said you can use my scarf to keep warm, yes, yes!"

It does wonders to keep my face and neck warm, but my body and limbs are still chilled. But it's fine, I'll just deal. I'll just _pretend it's fine_ , right? Fuck you, Yuri.

"T-Thanks..." I said to her, still shivering. She nodded, assuring me it was no big deal.

"So, Natsuki," she began, "How have things been with you? I'm interested to hear, yes, yes."

I hemmed and hawed over the question for a second. "I guess fine." I'm lying through my teeth, but that's pretty normal. Again, fuck you, Yuri.

"Eh? Is that all? Usually I'm the one doing most the of talking, so I figured it might not be such a bad idea to let you talk, too... yes, yes."

It's not something I'd ever payed attention to, but... I guess she's right. Usually, when we have a conversation, it's her talking to me about stuff, and I occasionally add something in response to her.

"Hm... maybe there's not really anything wrong with that."

"Hmmm?" She hummed, putting her finger to her chin.

"Well, you know... you like to talk about things, and I chip in sometimes. If that's the 'natural order' we fell into, is it a bad thing?"

"W-Well, I guess not, but still... I just wanted to give you the chance to say something if you wanted, yes, yes. I don't want to leave you out, or anything."

She's really caring, isn't she? I guess she's just a good person.

"Don't worry about it," I tell her. I'm not lying; if that's the way we are, then it's the way we are. It's not like I have anything good to talk about, anyway.

"Hmm... well, fine then, I guess! Yes, yes!" She cheerily said, returning to the cheery, lofty Aoi I'm used to. "Anyway, Natsuki, as I'm familiar, you like manga?"

I nod. It's not like I make a secret of it, even from her, so I'm not sure why she worded it like that.

"Well, I got you something you might enjoy! Yes, yes!"

"Something I might enjoy...? You bought me a manga?"

"Well..." Aoi smiled, embarrassedly. "My elder sister's birthday is coming up, and she likes this sort of thing; however, I learned too late that she already has this manga, yes, yes! So being that there's no reason for me to give it to her, I thought you might like it, yes, yes!"

I shrug. "Well, I guess that's solid reasoning. Let's see it, then."

Aoi smiled and nodded. "Yes, yes!" She reached her hand into her bag, removing from it a book with a light, pink-and-white cover. She set it on the table in front of me. The title of the manga is "Sweet Lipstick." Sounds like the sort of ooey-gooey romance thing, but I've never heard of it. But observing the cover, there are... two girls kissing?

"EEHHHH?! You bought me a _yuri manga?!_ " I shout in surprise.

"My sister, my sister, yes!" She clarified. Yeah, her sister, whatever, but this is a _yuri manga_ in front of me.

"Aoi, I'm not a lesbian... you know that, right?"

Aoi straightened her glasses, a look of confusion on her face. "You're not?"

Now _that_ came as a shocker. "You thought I was a lesbian?!"

"E-Eh... w-well, yes, I did. My apologies, yes, yes."

"What on earth made you think that?!"

"W-Well, uhm... I notice that whenever you're not paying attention to what you're looking at, your eyes tend to linger on girls' thighs, or their, uhm... chest. More than anything else."

Is that true? If it is, I haven't noticed it... b-but I'm not a lesbian! I'm not even bi!

"I haven't noticed that in myself, I don't know what you're talking about!" I tell her.

"My bad, my apologies. It's just what I noticed from continued exposure, yes, yes!"

I take look back at the yuri manga before me. I guess I might as well take it... if I don't, she'll probably try pinning it on some other poor girl she thinks is a lesbian. Besides, I could have it as a joke... of course, I only have one friend, and she already gets it.

"Uph... I guess I'll take the damn book anyway," I begrudgingly agree. Aoi directs a cheeky smile at me.

"Don't worry, your secret is safe me with me! Yes, yes!"

"I-I told already! I'm not a lesbian, damn it!" I retort.

"Ah, ah, yes, yes!" She says, still grinning. What do I have to do to convince her that I'm not gay? Uhgph, the things I put up with...

After I safely tuck the manga away in my bag, I pout and cross my arms. "Listen, missy, I'm serious. I'm not gay!"

"Ah, yes, yes, I believe you!" She says, but I'm still not convinced.

"You have no reason to assume I am, got it? So stop drawing stupid conclusions."

Aoi nodded. I sighed, unsatisfied.

"Eaaaugph! You're annoyinnnng! I'm gonna take a walk, I'll be right back."

"Huuuh? Well... fine, I guess. I'll wait here, yes, yes!"

I storm off, walking around the corner. This area is just the back of the school; sometimes, delinquents leave school out this way, but I just wanna take a walk. I sigh and relax my pace, not storming so fervently like I was just earlier.

I'm glad Aoi is there, given what's going on with Sayori... she's being a good distraction - not to invalidate our friendship, of course. Still, she is annoying like that sometimes... uph. And what she talking about, saying I always stare at girls' thighs and chest? I'm not some kind of pervert, who stares at girls in public. Speaking of that kind of person, fuck you, Yuri.

My train of thought is interrupted by the sound of someone panting. It sounds like it's coming from a little indent in the wall - imagine the analogy of the square in the wall from the courtyard. That, but smaller, and rectangular. Is someone masturbating there? That would be... well, something else. But this'd be a logical place to do it - no one ever comes here, after all. Well, save for the odd delinquent, that is. Still...

Out of morbid curiosity, I peek around the corner, enough to see, but not enough for the person to notice me. I'm expecting to see someone jacking off, but instead, I see someone... w-with their sleeves rolled up, their forearms covered in... _cuts_... all over... a knife in one hand, currently making another. And the perpetrator is none other than...

 _Yuri_...

I run away, making as little sound as I can. She didn't notice me, did she? N-No, I don't think so... once I'm a safe distance away, I puke my guts out, expelling what little nutrients I had in my body. G-God fucking damn it... Y-Yuri... s-she's a... she...

I lean my elbow against the wall and rest my face in my hand. God, fuck... that's a lot to take in... and it's not like she just started, either; there were a fuckton of old wounds on her arms, both of them... w-what the fuck am I supposed to do? Just move on? Pretend everything's fine? Yuri...

I return to Aoi, putting on a nervous smile.

"Eeeh, Natsuki! You waited until the end of lunch to come back! I was worried you weren't coming back, yes, yes!"

"S-Sorry... my bad."

"Eh? Is everything alright?"

"Y-Yes! Shut up!"

Aoi nods nervously, but returns to normal in a few seconds. That's what I like about Aoi, that immediate understanding of "I don't want to talk about it."

She waves me goodbye as we go back inside. Wait, shit, I forgot to give her back her scarf... ah, whatever...

During 6th period, I search "why do people cut" on my phone, only to be referred to a number of help lines. Not like that'll do me any good.

Eventually, time passes, and the time for the literature club comes. I enter the room and, as usual, Yuri and Monika are already there. I look right at Yuri; she looks completely normal, as if nothing's happened. A small, weak smile rests on her face as her eyes scan across the page of the book she's reading. I look at her arms; under those sleeves, lie possibly _hundreds_ of cuts. And here I am, in the same room as her, unable to do anything.


	8. The talk

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Where we have a talk - no, not the birds and the bees, you perv.

Monika smiled and waved at me as soon as I entered the clubroom. "Hello, Natsuki!" She chimed.

"Uh... hi," I said. The memory of Yuri's cuts is still fresh in my mind, so I'm feeling kinda... disturbed? Yeah, that works. And it doesn't help that Yuri is _right fucking there_ , sitting at a desk, reading a book like, _2 meters_ in front of me. Under those sleeves are _hundreds_ of cuts, fresh and old... and what can I do but just stand here like an idiot?

"I talked to Sayori yesterday, which is why I was absent from the literature club - sorry about that, by the way," Monika said. Yuri looked up at her, closing her book and setting on the desk. Monika must have something important to say, I guess, but my eyes were still on Yuri's arms.

"Oh, d-don't worry about it," I assured her. Yuri's sleeves... was there any external hint she was cutting...? Blood around the wrists or something? No, it didn't look like there was anything... she hides it so well...

"We talked about numerous things - well, she talked to me. She's definitely doing a lot better. But, I should warn you... if you're expecting the old Sayori when you she gets back, you'll be dead wrong."

"Oh?" I asked. I know that what Monika's saying is important, but still... having just seen Yuri cutting... it's understandable if that's occupying my mind, right?

Monika nodded. "She's kind of... in an 'in-between state,' if you will. I think she's sort of... _blended_ the facade she put on, with her actual feelings. That Masaaki boy has apparently been a huge help. So, she's going to be a bit more melancholy than before, but she'll still be Sayori."

I nodded. "It'll be good to have her back."

"I agree; and hopefully she'll be more honest about her feelings with us," Yuri said.

"That's something she mentioned, being more honest with us. We all have to be there for Sayori, you know? I understand it's a bit to ask, but I'm still going to ask it of both of you."

Yuri and I nodded.

"Excellent!" Monika said, apparently satisfied. "Well, that being said, I think now is officially the time to continue the literature club as normal!"

Terrible idea, terrible idea... I have a _lot_ of shit swimming in my head right now, predominantly Yuri's cuts... but I guess I have to pretend it's fine? Fuck you Yu- no, that's not appropriate...

"Ah... y-yes, I suppose," Yuri said softly.

"Ah, and I nearly forgot..." Monika said. "We should have a new member joining us today. If he ever shows up, that is," She remarked, teasingly.

"Eh? Why?" I asked. I don't see _why_ we need a new club member. Is four not enough as is?

"Well, you'll understand when you see him," Monika answered, cryptically. I glanced back at Yuri's arms; why do I keep looking at them? It's not like my eyes are going to shoot out healing-lasers that fix all her cuts! But it's very distracting, knowing that sort of thing about someone in the same room.

Someone knocked on the open door and stuck their head into the classroom. "I have to have the right room this time, right...?"

The three of us in the room looked at him. It's that kid! M... Marukai? Mordecai? Whatever, he's called MC. Sayori's friend.

"Ah, Masaaki! There you are; we'd like to welcome you to our club," Monika said, cheerfully.

"MC, please..." Masaaki - MC - responded.

"Ah, yes, MC. Welcome! We'll be pleased to have you. Yes, you may be joining because of Sayori, but it's my hope to make you a proper member of our club!" Monika winked.

MC nodded. "W-Well, you know, literature has never been my forte... I mean, I, uh... r-read a manga, once in a while, but I don't know if that counts..."

The _balls_ on this guy - of course manga is literature! I just shoot him a dirty look, but he doesn't notice.

Monika kept on smiling - kinda unnatural, if you ask me. "That's fine; believe me, I started this club, and literature didn't interest me to begin with. I just wanted a sanctuary club, free from drama or politics like the major clubs."

And look how _that_ turned out. I glance back to Yuri's arm; maybe I should just move closer to her. I do as much, getting up from the desk I'm sitting on and move to one about two desks over from Yuri. She doesn't seem to notice or care.

"Well, if you think about like that..." MC said. I could see a pang of disappointment in Yuri's eye; I know how much she _loves_ to read, so hearing that the literature club isn't really about literature must be disheartening for her.

"Well, with that said... Yuri, I know it's been a while, but would you be so kind as to produce for us some tea?" Monika asked. That's right, Yuri sometimes makes tea with an electric kettle. I'm not the biggest tea person, so usually I don't have any, but today... eh, sure.

Yuri nodded. "S-Sure... I don't see why not..." She complied, going to the closet in the back of the room and taking out the electric kettle and teabags she kept in there - "with faculty permission, of course," as she would always explain.

"I'll be back momentarily, I have to fill up the kettle..." She said, before ducking out of the room. I sighed.

"MC, you like manga?" Monika asked.

"Well... yeah, but not, like, _religiously_ or anything like that. I-I just read it every once in a while..." He responded. So he's a _casual_ then. That's fine, I _guess_.

"Well, as luck would have it, Natsuki here also quite likes to read manga!" Monika said, cheerfully, that never-ending smile on her face. Kinda creepy, honestly, how unnaturally _cheery_ she's being...

"Eh? Really? What sort?" He asks.

"E-Eh, you know, the usual... uhm, lemme check what I have in my bag right now," I tell him, reaching into my bag and pulling out the first book I grip. I take one look at it and-

OH GOD OH FUCK IT'S THE YURI MANGA AOI GAVE ME. Fuck, fuck fuck fuck, I _completely_ forgot about that. Fuck, fuck fuck fuck... he hasn't seen the cover yet, I don't think, but god fucking damn I have to hide this thing.

"N-Nevermind! T-T-That's not the best one I have r-right now!" I exclaim, shoving it back into the bag as fast as I possibly can.

"Eh? What is it?" He asks, confused by my fervor. What am I supposed to tell him? "Oh, it's a yuri manga my friend gave me because her lesbian sister already had another copy of it." Who would believe that story?

Wait, yuri... Yuri. Where is she? She just went to fill up the kettle, right? It can't be _that_ long...

W-Wait... don't tell me...

"I-I have to go to the bathroom!" I shout, bolting out the door. I don't get a good glimpse of Monika and MC's reactions, but I don't care. My heart's pounding, my breath staggering. Where is Yuri? She should be by the water fountain if she's filling up the kettle, right? I run in that direction, and see the kettle, filled up, just sitting on the water fountain... oh god, oh fuck... right next to the water fountain is the women's restroom... oh god, oh fuck...

I place my hand on the restroom door and slowly open it. Inside, one stall is in use. D-Don't tell me...

"Y-Yuri...?" I call her name in the restroom.

"N-Natsuki...? I-I'm using the restroom, please give me a moment... I don't know why you decided to come down to check on me, I'm just using the restroom..."

"N-No, I have to go, too..." I say. This is awful; normal, awkward bathroom talk, while I _know_ that she's cutting herself in there. I don't know what to do... what the fuck do I do?

"O-Oh, alright..." She said. I don't know what the fuck to do, I don't fucking know... what do I do, what do I do?! Tell her I know she's cutting? What would that accomplish? W-What should I...

"You have to stop." The words come out of my mouth before I even register I've decided to say them. F-Fuck, I'm balls-deep into this now, aren't I?

"Uhm... w-what?" Yuri asked. I can hear her breath get quicker; she's scared. Well guess what: I'm scared, too.

"Y-You know exactly what I mean... Yuri. Don't play dumb."

"I-I-I have no idea what you're t-talking about..."

"What you're doing in that stall! It... it's hurting you, Yuri! It's bad for you, it has to stop..." What if she is just using the bathroom? And I'm being a big idiot... no, no, I _know_ she's cutting in there.

Yuri was silent for a moment. Just as I was about to say something, she spoke softly.

"Natsuki... please, I'm pleading with you... would you just go away, and pretend this never happened..."

"You know I can't do that! D-Do you think I can just _live_ with that information in my head?! D-Do you think I can just live on, _letting_ someone do that?!" I pushed my body against the stall door.

"I-I don't know how you found out... but you need to know, it's the best for me that you don't tell anyone... I know it may guilt you in your heart, but what if people find out? Will they send me to a hospital? A mental ward?"

"W-What are you talking about, you dummy?! They don't send people to mental wards for stuff like this!"

I could heart her start to cry on the other side of the stall door.

"I-I don't care! I-I'm beyond saving, Natsuki! L-Leave me alone! This is just the way I am!"

"Yuri-"

"And why do you care?!" She shouted, choking on her own tears for a second before going on. "Y-You hate me, w-with good reason! I-I'm fucking _horrible_ , Natsuki! A-All I do is make your life _worse!_ If anything, it's _better_ for you if I end up killing myself someday! S-So what does it f-fucking matter if I cut?!"

It was my turn to get heated, now. "D-Do you think I'm that sort of person?! T-That sees someone living in pain, and _spits on them?!_ I-I don't give a shit who you are, Yuri! You fucking bitch, let me help you!"

"I-I can't be helped... I know better than anyone else..."

"I don't care! I don't care!" I shout. "I don't care if you _can't be helped_ or if you _make me miserable_ , you don't fucking deserve to live in misery, and I'm not gonna stand by and just let it happen!"

"T-That's really unhealthy, Natsuki... helping people who make you miserable..."

"Tsk! You're one to talk..." I retort. Yuri remains silent for a moment, before I hear the click of the stall door. I step back, and the door opens revealing Yuri, eyes full of tears, her sleeves rolled up, exposing the hundreds of cuts on her forearms...

"Y-Yuri..."

She didn't say anything, she just cried. I guess my body just went with instinct and immediately went in to hug her.

"N-Natsuki..." She managed to say. We fell the floor, and she just kept on crying. "W-What am I going to do...?"

I sighed. "I guess... first, we should clean you up... and then, we can make some tea, back at the club... r-right?" I say.

Yuri sniffled, and calmed a little. "Y-Yeah... y-yeah..."

Eventually, she was good to get up on her own. Her eyeliner was running down her face, and her eyes were red... I don't think it's possible for it to be more obvious that someone was just crying.

"Hey, let's get you cleaned up, okay?" I say. She nods, and we walk over to the mirror and sink. After about ten thousand wet paper towels, we manage to clean up her running eye makeup. As for her arms...

"S-Shit, I don't have any bandages on me... I guess, just clean them off like normal. I'll get you something." She nodded, wordlessly cleaning off her arms. It was methodical, as if she's done this a thousand times before - which, I guess, she has.

"Alright, and now we just gotta bring the kettle back to the clubroom, right? And we can make some tea."

Yuri nodded. "Of course, yes... tea, tea..." She seemed kinda dissociated, but I hope that with the kettle, I can snap her back to reality.

"Here, hold this," I tell her, handing her the kettle. She grabs it thoughtlessly, but the weight of suddenly carrying a kettle full of water wakes her up from whatever sort of trance she was in.

"A-Ah, sorry, did I... dissociate?" She asks.

"Yeah, a little, but you're fine now. C'mon, let's go to the clubroom."

Yuri nodded, following me back down the hall. There, Monika and MC are waiting for us.

"There you two are! My my, I was worried you'd never come back!" She teased. MC laughed awkwardly.

"Sorry, I just went to the bathroom and got caught up talking to Yuri in the hallway," I tell her, lying through my teeth. I think I finally get Yuri. Monika doesn't seem to buy my excuse at first; after all, Yuri and I tend to hate one another. But, after just a second, she returns to the creepy smile she's had on all day

"That's fine, there's still enough club time to make some tea and chat with MC, introduce him to the club."

Yuri smiled faintly. "I-I'll plug the kettle in... I-I can get all your cups, too..."

"Don't worry about the cups, I got that," I tell her. She seems a bit taken aback, but nods.

"My, my, Natsuki! You and Yuri seem to be getting along quite nicely! What did you two talk about in the hallway?"

I reach up and grab four nice teacups that Yuri keeps in the closet.

"Oh, you know... stuff."


	9. What to do, what to do

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Where I think I figure out what to do?

My entire walk home is filled with thoughts of Yuri. I really did it, I talked to her... she _listened_ to me. She showed me her cuts willingly, and we got cleaned up. But it's not like we're done or anything; really what just happened is that I signed myself up for a pretty huge commitment. And I guess I'm fine with that? I mean, if it stops Yuri from cutting herself, then it's one I'll sign up for. But I'm not really sure where to begin... I guess I have to meet up with Yuri? I think I have her contact in my phone, since we're both in the literature club, but I _definitely_ know neither of us have ever contacted one another outside of school, and so her contact will have been unused until now.

I take a look at my phone while I'm walking. I only have a few contacts on my phone, but sure enough, one of them's Yuri. I'm surprised I never deleted it, especially after the stalker fiasco, but I'm grateful to my past self. I'll shoot her a text once I'm inside the house.

Speaking of which, I show up at my house. Shit, my dad's car is in the driveway... so, he's home. Please, _please_ let me get in and to my room without incident...

I take a deep breath, and open the front door. The smell of booze and old fast food immediately blasts in my face - good thing I took a breath beforehand, or else I would've inhaled _all of that_ as soon as I stepped inside. My dad is sitting on the couch in the living room, right by the front door. I can't tell if he's asleep or not from here... I wave my hand in his direction, but he doesn't react. Is he asleep, then...?

I slide my shoes off right by the door, like usual, and try to creep my way towards the stairs...

"Naaaatsuki..." He groans from the couch. He's awake... "Not even a 'hello' for you dear ol' Papa? Tch..."

"I-I waved at you... I-I didn't realize y-you hadn't seen it..." I say.

He got up off the couch, walking right towards me. He leaned against the wall by the staircase, right up next to me. I could _smell_ his booze-breath as he breathed it directly in my face.

"So you got your fuckin' bag back. I still can't believe you fuckin' forgot the damn thing. I bought that with my _own_ _fuckin' money_ , you know? You'd better not fuckin' lose it again, you hear me?" He said.

"O-Of course, Papa, it was my fault..."

"No shit it was your fault, you're the one who fuckin' forgot it!" He roared. I flinched slightly in reaction.

"I-I'm sorry, Papa..."

"Yeah, fuckin' whatever. I don't give a shit. Go upstairs, see if I care, you fuckin' whore. Don't make a ruckus up there, understood?"

I nodded. "Y-Yes, Papa."

"Good. Out of my fuckin' sight."

I ran up the stairs, and Papa retreated back to the couch. As soon as I got to my room, I started panting, and fought back tears. I was lucky today... I was lucky he didn't get physical. I'm lucky, I'm lucky...

I take a second to calm myself down. I take out _Emerald is Unshatterable_ , and read a few pages. I love this manga, it has really good characters... Josukage makes such a great protagonist.

After a few pages of _EiU_ , I take a deep breath, and calm myself down. I pull some stuff out of my bag; I don't have any homework to do, but I have notebooks I doodle in, and of course... the yuri manga that Aoi gave me. You know, it's getting a little weird now, having a genre of lesbian romance books and a person I know have the same name... but Yuri's a lesbian, so I guess it's weirdly poetic? If that's the word you'd use...

Speaking of Yuri, I take out my phone again and open her number. What should I text her...? What do I say after today? Something... simple? Sure, I guess. Something simple.

_"Hi there"_

I guess that's the best I can come up with? I don't text very often, so gimme a break. But shortly, Yuri texts me back.

_"Hello, Natsuki."_

I grin like an idiot. She texted me back!

_"So we talked earlier, how are u now?"_

_"I'm fine, thank you for asking. I'm sitting at my desk at home right now."_

I suddenly realize that if I seriously want talk to her about this, I have to meet up with her outside of school. In school will do no good, what with Aoi being around, and the literature club isn't for that sort of thing.

_"Wanna meet up sometime?"_

There. That should shoot the message.

_"I suppose I don't see why not. You were very helpful earlier, I thank you. I'm sorry I've been consuming your time and attention this afternoon."_

Heh, that's just like her. Apologizing for something like this.

_"Hey, dw ab it. It's fine, I promise"_

_"...dw ab?"_

Ah. I should've suspected Yuri would be in the dark on text lingo.

_"It means 'don't worry about it' :)"_

_"Ah, my apologies."_

_"Dw ab it"_

_"Well, when and where should we meet?"_

_"Idk, just not my house lol"_

_"Very well then. I suppose, my house then? Considering it is a very private matter... my mother should be fine with you coming over."_

_"Sounds good to me :) when should I show up?"_

_"When is convenient for you?"_

_"I guess ASAP. U good today?"_

_"Yes, I'm free right now, but I feel it'd be better if there was more time... perhaps we ought to wait until tomorrow afternoon? Or the weekend?"  
_

_"Well like u said, it's serious, so which do u think would be better"_

_"The weekend, I suppose."_

_"Cool, where's ur house? Just so I know where to go when the time comes"_

_"122 Dutch St."_

_"coolio 😎"_

Yeah, she and I agree it's a serious matter, but c'mon, I can still be me.  


_ "Oh, Natsuki..." _

That's... that means she found what I said endearing, right? My heart flutters for a second, but I don't get why. I guess she views me positively, now. Crazy how that _one_ incident today kinda flipped everything around.

_"When should I show up saturday?"_

_"Around... 11am-12pm, I suppose. Whichever you prefer, or if you have an alternative."_

_"Noon sounds good"_

_"Excellent. I expect to see you then. :)"_

Huh, never would've expected _Yuri_ of all people to use an emoticon. Maybe I'm loosening her up? Er, when I say it like that, it kinda... nevermind. I'm not gay!

Anyway, I'm not sure what to text back. I just send the same smiley face she did. I'm bad at ending conversations, I feel like the other person will think I don't wanna talk to them if I don't respond back... but enough about my insecurities. Yuri and I are meeting on Saturday, and I'm gonna help her out. I gotta get into serious mode for that, though... I can't be all giddy while trying to tend to her arms.

Speaking of which, it's not like I actually have any practice with that sort of thing, anyway, so I'm gonna be completely new to it. But hey, this is serious, so if I don't chip in my all, what am I doing?

Which, hey, I have an idea...

_"Hey, why don't u sit with me and aoi at lunch tmrw?"_

I already know she cuts at lunch, so maybe the temptation will be less if she sits with us? I dunno, I'm doing my best.

_"That sounds lovely, but I hope Aoi is okay with that arrangement."_

_"Ah, she'll be fine with it. I just gotta explain ur not a stalker anymore haha"  
_

Yeah, things are made a little bit more complicated by the fact that Aoi still thinks of Yuri as my stalker from like a month ago. But hey, she's believed me about her thus far, so maybe her mind will change if I tell her the opposite now?

_"As always, I'm sorry for having done that."_

_"Dw ab it, it was the past"_

My feelings are a little more complicated than that, but it's secondary to the fact that Yuri needs help with her cutting.

_"Thank you for your understanding. :)"_

There she goes again, with the emoticon. Maybe I am loosening her up? Again, with the wording... maybe I'm rubbing off on her. Cool, I guess.

Anyway, that's about the end of that conversation. But hey, that means she's eating lunch with Aoi and I tomorrow. That might be a bit difficult to break to Aoi, given what her current opinion on Yuri is. Plus, those two are pretty different in a lot of ways - most ways. This might be a bit more difficult than I thought... but it's for Yuri's well-being, so that gives it meaning.

* * *

The next day. 4th period - well, late 4th period. The bell's about to ring for 5th period. Well, 5th is my free period. And it's also Yuri's. You know what that means...

I go to the school library and, rather than setting my stuff down and sitting in my usual spot, I go around hunting for Yuri. She has to be here, there's really no better place to spend a free period than here, for somewhere like her. Unless... she's in the bathroom...

Nope. Checking the bathroom, no one's in there, so Yuri's probably just in the library like I thought. I go back there and hunt around for her. Eventually, I find her nestled in one of the beanbag chairs in a nice area of the library - there's a medusa lamp, a few beanbag chairs, and a nice rug to tie the place together. How quaint, I can't believe I never knew of this place.

"Hey, Yuri," I say, startling her. She was clearly invested in whatever book she's reading.

"O-Oh, Natsuki, h-hi... I-I forgot we had the same free period..."

"Well, yeah... I guess you're fine over here on your own, then."

"Eh? Y-You were looking for me?"

"Well... yeah," I said, folding my arms. "I was worried. But you know, you seem fine on your own, so I guess I'll just go..."

"N-No!" Yuri abruptly said, startling me. "E-Erm... I-I mean, you can sit here with me... if you want... uhm..." She hushes her tone. "S-Sometimes, I... erm, cut, during my free period, so, you know... i-it'd be best if you were here to stop me..."

I nodded and plopped down on one of the beanbag chairs. "Well, I can't refuse then... especially when there's these nice beanbag chairs!" I say, bouncing on the one I'm in for effect. Yuri chuckled lightly.

"Most people don't know about this area... you'd suspect word would get out, considering how nice it is, but it's far-off and away from the rest of the library. Plus, some people even think it's off-limits for students."

"I had to walk around the entiiire library to find this place... I guess most people don't spend that much time looking around?"

"I suppose not," Yuri commented, returning to the pages of her book. Well, if she's gonna read, I guess I can, too. I pull out _Emerald is Unshatterable_ \- nope, that's the yuri manga. Why do I still even have that with me? Anyway, I put that back and actually take out _Emerald is Unshatterable_ , opening to my bookmarked page. The most recent thing that happened was.. the fight with Mysterioso Boy? Yeah, that's right. I pick up where I left off.

"Uhm..." Yuri muttered. I looked at her. "W... What are you reading?" She asked timidly, as if it took every fiber of strength in her being to ask such a simple question.

"Oh, uh, _Emerald is Unshatterable_. It's a manga - or, part of a manga series - I really like."

"O-Oh, I see... w-what is it about?"

"It's about this kid, Josukage Higashikira, who's hunting down a serial killer. It's pretty good, I'm towards the end of it right now."

"Ah, how interesting..." Yuri remarked. Given how much she likes horror, I imagined the whole "serial killer" aspect might pique her interest. She does smile when I describe it, but that's about it. But I guess that's fine... Yuri can be Yuri, and like Yuri things. What I'm worried about most - aside from her arms, of course - is how she and Aoi are gonna clash when they meet each other in lunch.


	10. A pleasant luncheon

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wherein I meet Natsuki's friend.

By the time our mutual free period had ended, Natsuki and I had barely said anything to one another outside small snippets of typical chit-chat. But I found that her presence was... calming, I suppose? I'm not sure what to say of it, but her being there made me not want to go and cut. Normally, I'd escape to the bathroom during the first half of my free period. However, with Natsuki there, I got no such urge. Perhaps it's because she would _know_ what I was doing if I went to the bathroom, and after that talk we had... it'd feel shameful.

I'm interrupted in my train of thought by Natsuki's voice.

"Hey, c'mon, we gotta go. Fifth period is over."

I lowered my book from my eyes and looked up at her standing over me, one hand on her hip, the other around the strap of her bag. I nodded.

"Y-Yes, of course," I said, slipping my book back into my bag and following Natsuki out of the library. We walked to the hallway outside the cafeteria when she turned around to ask me a question.

"Hey, you need to get lunch or something?"

I shook my head. "No, I have mine packed,"

She nodded. "Alright, just follow me then."

I complied, following her through the halls, towards the doors that lead out to the courtyard. Eventually, my eyes fell upon a dark-skinned girl with white, fluffy hair and a pair of round glasses. That was Aoi, Natsuki's friend. She smiled and waved to Natsuki cheerfully, but as soon as she saw me, a tense expression of confusion appeared on her face. Turned my head down and to the side to avoid her gaze. As Natsuki approached her, I could her her say:

"What is _she_ doing here, Natsuki?"

I bit my lip - a bad habit of mine. I can understand why Aoi would distrust or even disdain me; as far as she knows, I'm just Natsuki's former stalker. I doubt Natsuki's ever told her anything positive about me before, which is understandable given the list of positive qualities I have is very slim.

I couldn't hear anything either of them were saying to one another after that, but I took it that Natsuki was coming up with an excuse as to why I should sit with them. I don't raise my head to get a better view of them, for I fear Aoi's gaze.

Eventually, Natsuki came up to me and tapped me on the shoulder. "We're going outside now, you can come with us," She said. I turned my head to look at her to see that she was smiling at me. I lightly smiled back to her and nodded.

"Thank you," I said. Just as stated, I followed her and Aoi out into the courtyard. It's a bit unusual, eating outside in this weather... it's only about 12 or 13° today, which certainly isn't warm enough to warrant going outside for lunch. But I'm in no position to be making that judgement; I am an intruder onto their lunch tradition, an invader. It'd be too much to tell them to go inside, that's simply not my place.

Aoi and Natsuki sit at a round table towards the edge of the courtyard, with three curved benches around it. Each of us sit at a different bench, and I go about quietly unpacking my lunch. But that cold, _hateful_ look Aoi is giving me is distracting me. It almost doesn't fit her face; I've seen her smiling and cheery before, so seeing her like _this_ is unnatural... b-but I suppose not undeserved, given what I've done.

"How was your fifth period, Aoi?" Natsuki asked, hoping to lessen the tension.

"It was fine, yes, yes," She responded. Her gaze never left me. Natsuki looked uncomfortable, quickly glancing at me and then back to Aoi. I lowered my head, covering my face with my bangs. I know Aoi must still be staring at me, but somehow it's more bearable if I can't see her - if just slightly. I know full well there is no place for me here, that I am _not_ welcome here, that I am an intruder into the peace they had. But I was invited, and it would be awful of me to refuse an invitation, wouldn't it? But still, I... I'm conflicted.

"Hey, uh, Yuri, you haven't touched your lunch," Natsuki said. I looked up at her, but in my peripheral... Aoi still had her eyes on me...

"O-Oh, I'm sorry..." I said, gripping my chopsticks and slowly nibbling at some of my sticky rice. I glance over to Natsuki and realize she isn't eating anything; in fact, she doesn't have a lunchbox in front of her.

"Y-You're not hungry?" I ask. She twitches slightly at the question, and Aoi raises her eyebrow.

"I-I'm fine," She flatly responds.

"U-Uhm, i-if you want, you can have some of my lunch... I-I'm not especially hungry today..."

"I'm fine!" She barks, causing me to jump back.

"I-I'm sorry, I-I thought..." I trailed off. Despite what she said, I noticed Natsuki eyeing my lunch hungrily.

"Uh... h-hey, your offer isn't still on the table... is it?" She asked.

"Oh, uhm, yeah... you can have it, if you want, b-but if you don't, I'll just eat it..."

Before it had registered that my sentence was over, Natsuki had already pulled my open lunchbox over to her section of the table and started devouring its contents. I was a little bit astonished; I never considered that someone of her stature would have such a huge appetite. But I suppose she clearly needed it more than I.

After a second of devouring food, she paused and looked around the table. Aoi's expression didn't change, but I realized my astonishment must be on my face.

"O-Oh, my apologies... b-but, ermh, I suppose you needed it more than I? Huha..." Lightly chuckled at the end. Natsuki wiped her mouth off with her sleeve.

"Y-Yeah..." She muttered. She continued eating the food, but at a much less rabid rate. Still, she ate quickly, finishing the entire box in minutes. As soon as she was done, she looked down at the empty box, at me, back to the box, and finally to me again as her eyes widened.

"A-Ah! S-Shit, I ate your entire lunch... j-jeez, uh, s-sorry..." She apologized profusely. I could see Aoi scowl out of the corner of my eye.

"Please, don't worry about it... if you're hungry, then it's fine. I'm not especially hungry today, you don't have to worry..." I assured her.

"B-But still... you said 'some' and I ate all of it... I-It's my fault..."

"Believe me, Natsuki, I'm not upset about it..." I said softly. For a split second, Aoi's scornful glare didn't bother me - but it was a short-lived moment. Natsuki wordlessly nodded, still looking unsatisfied. I took the empty lunchbox from her spot and closed it up, returning it to its place in my bag. I glanced back to Aoi, who still had the same glare focused on me.

"S-So, uhm, Aoi, anything interesting happen lately?" Natsuki asked, trying desperately to break the tension. But Aoi remained firm. She folded one leg over the other, placed one elbow on the table, and rested her head in her hand.

"I don't understand it, Natsuki. How can you so easily forgive a stalker?" She asked. I froze completely still, my eyes widening. I don't get it either... how she can so easily forgive someone like me. Someone who only makes her miserable.

"Aoi..."

"I believe stalkers are the sort of people who shouldn't ever be forgiven... yes, yes."

I already know that... I know I don't deserve to be forgiven for what I did... frankly, I'm not sure why I'm here right now... why did Natsuki bother reaching out to me? Why would she bother helping someone like me, who only makes her miserable? Wouldn't it just be better for her if I died?

All the while, Aoi's eyes dug into my skin. Digging into my skin, cutting it open... blood _oozing_ from the wounds...

"I-I..." It was only when I spoke that I realized tears were flowing from my eyes. "I-I h-have to use the b-bathroom..." I croaked before leaping from the table and running off, away from them. Why does this sort of thing always happen...? I always run off crying... but now it's better, I suppose... Natsuki and Aoi will be free from me ruining their time together, and eventually I'll die, leaving them and everyone else better off. So it's better that I run away, right? Right...

I think this to myself as I'm curled over in the corner of the girls' bathroom, crying my eyes out. My knife in my hand... I haven't rolled up my sleeves yet, but... the itch is there... the _racoon_ needs to be fed...

I shakily grip the cuff of my sleeve left, slowly pulling it down to reveal the hundreds of wounds. I take my knife and push it up against my flesh...

_"I don't care if you can't be helped or if you make me miserable, you don't fucking deserve to live in misery, and I'm not gonna stand by and just let it happen!"_

Natsuki's words flashed in my mind for a second. The cold blade remained against my flesh, without change in position... I dragged it along my skin, opening a wound, dripping the crimson fluid I've come to know so well...

"Yuri..." I heard behind me. I turn around and looked up, to see Natsuki standing over me. She... her face... she wasn't distressed, or panicked, or crying. All that I could recognize... was disappointment. I'd disappointed her. I'd violated our agreement... I'd lapsed...

She got on her knees and hugged me from behind. I let my tears flow unfettered, and dropped my knife the floor with a "clang."

* * *

I sniffled, sitting on the desk of an empty classroom. Natsuki had brought me here from the bathroom after my... _incident_... she sat on the desk next to mine, texting someone on her phone. I trust that it's someone important, she doesn't seem like the sort of person to dilly-dally at a time like this. I had a blanket wrapped around my body - I can again thank Natsuki for that, she got it because I felt cold. She'd postulated it was because of how much blood I'd lost since I'd started cutting, which would also explain why I'm so pale, but I'm not convinced I've lost _that_ much blood.

"Oh, uhm, I'm talking to Aoi right now. Trying to let her know that what she did was... y'know, uncool."

I nodded wordlessly. It's not like she was wrong, though...

"Uhm..." She turned to me, putting her phone down. "T-Thanks for the lunch..."

I nodded. "O-Of course..."

"Oh, and uhm... before I forget," She pulled out a small packet of makeup-removing wipes. "Since, you know, I thought you might cry again... I-I brought these. Y-You know, obviously you need them now..."

I hadn't considered that my makeup had run again - which, due to the volume of tears running down my face, is now obvious. I nodded at her. "T-Thank you... for thinking about me..."

"E-Eh? I-I wasn't- er, well, I... y-you get me! Dummy!" She exclaimed. Of course, how could I forget... she retaliates when shown affection. But it's not like I said anything particularly affectionate... well, I suppose it doesn't matter.

I take the wipes from her hand, only to suddenly realize I have no idea what I'm to do with them without a mirror.

"Uhm... have you a mirror?" I ask. Her expression changes as she realizes that I'll have no idea what I'm doing without one.

"W... Whatever! I'll just do it for you, I guess..." She says, grabbing the wipes from me and climbing over top of me up on the desk I'm sitting on. She grabs my cheek with one hand and starts removing my makeup with the wipe in the other. I believe I'm blushing, but... t-this position is kind of erotic, so I can't be blamed, I don't think...

Augh, there I go... I can't think like that, I don't want to lapse into the way I was. If I think like that, then where will I stop? Will I stalk her again? God forbid... I don't want to be that person anymore, and the thought of going back to that way... it terrifies me to no end.

After a few minutes, Natsuki finishes, and jumps down off the desk. I can see her blushing.

"Listen, I get you're a lesbian and all..." She puts her hands on her hips. "But don't get the wrong idea about this, okay?! I'm just helping you out! I don't want your mind to wander, perv."

"O-Oh! N-No, heavens no... I-I'd never, not after... w-well, you know..."

The stalking incident. She nods in understanding.

"W-Whatever. You get the point."

"Of course... I'd never dare consider something between us, especially not after what's happened..." I say.

"Y-Yeah..." Natsuki said, with a sort of unsatisfied finality - if that makes sense. "I still don't get why you did that whole thing to begin with..."

"It... was my own deranged state at the time, which mostly drove it. I cannot apologize enough for what I did then."

Natsuki sighed. "It doesn't really matter anymore, I guess."

I keep hearing things like that. But I'm not certain how true it is; my every decision and thought regarding Natsuki now is defined by _not_ doing what I did before. And I understand wanting to push the past behind us, but... I'm not sure I'll ever forgive myself, and it would certainly shock me if Natsuki ever forgave me for what I did.

"...y-yeah, if you say so..." I say.

Natsuki nodded, as if to affirm her point. "I do say so. You better believe me, got it?" She said.

"I... y-yes, of course..." I say.

Natsuki sighed. "Yeah. Of course..."

She sat back up on the desk next to me. "Listen, I don't feel like going out there again... what say we stay here?" She asked.

I nodded. "That's fine by me, on all accounts."

She smiled lightly. "Yeah. Alright, then."


	11. The way people are

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Where Aoi and I have a little chat.

I had one thing on my mind, one thing I've never thought before: I'm fucking _pissed_ at Aoi.

Normally, she's a sweet person. I'm used to seeing her smiling like a goofball whenever she's talking about her day, cheerful and all. But I've never seen her like she was today - all serious, with that cold glare in her eyes, like she wanted Yuri to drop dead in front of her. And I _just don't fucking get it_. I already explained to her beforehand that I was bringing Yuri with me because she was going through a tough time. But she just made it worse. And it's not even like Yuri's a stalker anymore, but she was such a... _bitch_ about it. Why did she have to go off like that?

All this runs through my mind as I rush out to the courtyard after lunch. Yuri's fine, she just went to her sixth period, but Aoi's probably still here. She likes to stay out for about a minute after the bell rings, but I'm gonna take advantage of that time to find her and straighten her shit out.

There she is - standing up by the table we were at before. I storm over to her, and as soon as she sees me, she smiles and waves. I'm not in a smile-and-wave kinda mood, though - I'm fucking pissed.

"Aoi," I say as soon as she's withing earshot. "What the fuck?"

Her smile fades into a cold frown, and her gaze becomes serious.

"You didn't answer the question: how _can_ you so easily forgive a stalker, Natsuki? I am of the opinion that within the high school environment, stalkers are among the lowest type of person, and that their actions should not be so easily forgiven."

"Okay, but Yuri's not a fucking stalker, not anymore!"

"But she was, wasn't she? And she committed actions befitting of a stalker. And as I said, those are actions which should never be forgiven - and yet, you seem to have all but forgotten what she did."

"I guess 'forgive and forget' isn't in your vocabulary?"

"Natsuki... being a stalker is suggestive of an unstable mental state. And as far as we know, she hasn't been to any corrective therapy to solve her issues. So there is no reason to presume that she is any different than she was then."

"Uh, have you _seen her?_ " I ask. "Have you noticed her demeanor? At all? For one, she's not fucking staring at me at all the damn time. _That_ right there should be pretty big fuckin' indicator. Second, she's just quiet - what the fuck about being _quiet_ screams 'stalker' to you? How many fucking people are stalkers to you if they're just quiet? Third, she's fucking terrified of getting close to people. You know why? Because she doesn't want to be a stalker again! She is literally doing everything in her fucking power to avoid falling back into what she was, even though she's already changed so fucking much! And yet _you_ are so hung up on what she _used_ to be like that you can't fucking see through your 25cm-thick glasses to look at her the way she fucking _is!_ Get with the fucking program!"

I realize now that at some point, I'd started yelling. I look around to see the few people around here looking at us, confounded as to what's going on.

"Scram, all of you!" I shout. They seem to get the picture. I turn back to Aoi and see... tears are forming in her eyes. Did I go off too much...? N-No, she was being unreasonable. If she's gonna cry, then that's the price she has to pay.

"N-Natsuki..." She says, fighting back her tears. "I-I doubt you remember, yes, yes, but... when I met you first, and I warned you about Yuri... I told you I have some experience with this sort of situation, didn't I?"

Did she...? Honestly, I gotta think back to that conversation, it was a while ago...

_Aoi smiles at me, softening that serious tone in her voice. "Listen, I'm going to help you out with this... I guess you could say I have had a little bit of experience with this sort of situation before, yes, yes."_

Oh yeah... she did, didn't she? I'm not sure why I remember that... it was more than a month ago by now.

"Yeah, what of it?" I ask.

Aoi sniffled and lifted up her shirt to just above the belly-button.

"H-Hey! Wha-" I interject, but my eyes are drawn to an unnatural indent in the left - my right, her left - of her lower torso. It's roughly circular depression in her skin, it looks... so unnatural, so _creepy_...

"This... is a gunshot wound. A healed one, but a gunshot wound," Aoi said. It took me a second to realize my jaw had dropped, leaving my mouth wide open, but... can I be blamed?

Aoi took my silence as an invitation to continue. "When I was younger - not a child, but late middle school - I had a stalker of my very own. He was a popular boy, most people considered him handsome. Everyone called him by a nickname - I don't remember what it was, sorry - but his first name was Norifumi."

"Norifumi? Can't say I've heard of him..." I say.

"I know, I don't think he goes to this school, I've never seen him," Aoi explained. "His hair was unnaturally dyed black, I don't know what his original hair color was. His eyes were also yellow, but I guess he wore contacts or something. A-Anyway, he was obsessed with me. He'd asked me out twice, but I wasn't interested - I'm still not, yes, yes... the whole incident turned me off of romance as a whole. How sad, yes, yes.

"Anyway... he would follow me home sometimes. I noticed sometimes, I didn't others. But he was often there, yes, yes. He would stake out the bathrooms if I knew I was there and follow me in the hallways when I came out. You know... general stalker stuff, yes, yes. But things eventually got out of hand... he tried entering my home once - fortunately, my mother was there to stop him. But one night... I learned the hard way that he was waiting for a night when neither of my parents were home. And when that night came, he... he broke in. With a gun. I don't know what was going through his deranged mind, but he broke in and... well, if the wound didn't make it obvious... he... uhm, he shot me. Once. He dropped the gun after that and started bawling his eyes out. He called the police on himself and turned himself in, but no matter what, I... I didn't feel anything but contempt for him. I still do, I hate him.

"I haven't seem him since, yes, yes. I don't even know if he had a trial, he may've just gone through state-sponsored therapy. But I hate that boy, Norifumi. I'll never forget his face so long as I live. But I don't want you to go through that, which is why I want to protect you from Yuri. She was a stalker, yes, but what's to stop her from lapsing back into who she was back then? Is there any guarantee she won't do to you what Norifumi did to me? That is a real possibility you aren't considering, and I want to protect you from the harm that may befall you, yes, yes."

I took a second to just soak in all the information she just gave me. I guess I never considered what Aoi had been through, or why she decided to talk to me to begin with. I guess she's just sensitive to the signs of a stalker?

"Aoi... that's all terrible," I tell her.

"Yes, yes, it is... but can you understand why being around Yuri is a bad idea, now?"

I looked down in thought. "Can I see why being around Yuri is bad idea...?" That question had an easy answer.

I look up, giving Aoi a bold look straight in the eye. "No."

"...huh?" Aoi asked. It took her a second to register I had said "no." When she did, it became apparent immediately. "N-No?! What do you mean, 'no?!' You _know_ what stalkers are capable of, right?!"

I nodded. "Of course I know what they're capable of. But that doesn't change that Yuri isn't one. I understand your grudge against Norifumi, he was a terrible person... but your case is more extreme than mine." It felt a little bad, calling out Aoi on something as sensitive as her experience with Norifumi, but I know I'm right.

"Yuri followed me around for a week and a half. She was a stalker. But... I called her out. Told her off. And she stopped, and beat herself up over if for a month - hell, she's probably _still_ beating herself up over it. She has what Norifumi lacked - regret. And a will to change. And she has changed. I know it seems impossible, given what you've been through, but she _changed_. She's not the sort of person that would stalk me anymore - she's not the same person that _did_ stalk me anymore. I understand it being a sensitive topic for you, but... Yuri is _not_ a stalker. And I'm not gotta let you treat her like that when she's already dealing with enough."

Now came the waterworks. Aoi's eyes started flowing with tears.

"I... N-Natsuki, I'm... I'd love to believe you, I'd love to believe that people can change, b-but..."

"People _can_ change. Honestly, Aoi... why don't you just give it a shot? Get to know her before you condemn her as a stalker and a creep and a criminal."

Aoi nodded through her sobs.

"Augh... come here, you big dummy," I said, allowing Aoi to collapse onto me and give me a big hug. "Do better tomorrow, alright? Give Yuri a shot." I could hear her mumble a faint "yes" beneath her sobs. Why does everyone always cry around me?

* * *

I walked in the literature club door already tired. First, I had to help Yuri, and then I had a talk with Aoi... good grief, I had a lot on my plate today, huh? At least now I'm at the one place I can unwind. Things have been getting calmer lately, what with Monika getting back to normal after talking to Sayori - well, "back to normal" being relative. That unending chipper behavior felt kinda unnatural and unnerving... but hopefully things can be better today?

I yawned, and my stomach growled, but I ignored it. There was no change under the vending machine earlier, so I doubt there is now - especially since there are few kids who come around this part of the school later in the day anyway. So, I guess I'll just go hungry tonight - again. But that's beside the point. As soon as I enter, I'm immediately greeted with Monika's beaming smile. Everyone else - including MC but obviously excluding Sayori - is already there.

"Ah, Natsuki! How nice to see you!" Monika said. There she goes again, with that cheer... I've never had a problem with Monika before, but she's really creeping me out recently. But I don't comment on that, I just greet her in kind.

"Ah, hi," I say.

"Well, we're all here - excluding Sayori, of course, but she'll be here by next week," Monika said.

"Eh?? Next week?" I ask, astonished. "Sayori's gonna be back next week?"

"According to MC, yes!" Monika said.

"Uh, y-yeah," MC said. "She'll be here next week. She's almost clear to get out of the hospital already."

"Isn't it wonderful?" Monika asked, rhetorically. "But remember, we all have to do our best to make her happy and comfortable."

"Yeah..." MC agreed. Good grief... I'm already dealing with Yuri and Aoi, and now Sayori? No, no, don't think like that, Natsuki... Sayori is my friend, has been for years. I'm gonna do my best to be supportive, but I think her main vessel of support right now is MC. He seems like a good kid, and he and Sayori have known each other for _way_ longer than I knew her. Though, on Monday, didn't he say they "reconnected" over winter break? Maybe they had a falling out before then? Eh... it's not my place to speculate. From what I've gathered, he makes her happy, so that's enough for me.

I moved to the other side of the classroom and sat down by Yuri. She seemed a little surprised by my presence, but nodded as soon as she acknowledged me.

"Hey," I whispered to her. "Aoi's cool now. Well, she should be - you can sit with us tomorrow."

"O-Oh, I couldn't... it's obvious Aoi doesn't like me, I shouldn't intrude on your lunch any further than I have," Yuri insists.

"No, no, I insist. Aoi... was dealing with a lot of baggage of her own. And she was upset at you because of it. But she's cool now, she's willing to try things naturally. So c'mon, sit with us."

Yuri sighed. "I-I suppose, if it's fine with her..."

I nod and give a thumbs up. "It is, I promise."

She smiled at me. "W-Well, if you say so..."

Suddenly, unexpected by anyone, Monika started talking to the entire club - all three of us here - with an announcement.

"Alright, everyone! As club president, I have made an executive decision to try and make this club a bit more literature-oriented!"

I could see Yuri perk up at that, but simultaneously I could see MC shrink in his seat.

"Every day - starting next week, with Sayori's return - all of us will bring in one original poem to the classroom that we can all trade and discuss!"

I groaned internally, and it looked like MC was doing the same. Yuri, however, gets this adorable, goofy smile on her face - wait, adorable? Listen, I may own a yuri manga, but I promise I am 100% heterosexual. Anyway, Yuri looked _thrilled_ about this. I guess she must be one of those poetry people? I can already imagine her in a black turtleneck, black beret, and dark-tinted sunglasses, reading poetry atop a stage in the corner of a lightly crowded club - though, I guess atop a stage would be pretty bad with someone with her complex. Still, I can imagine it all too well.

"I'm sure not all of you are poets, but this will be a good exercise to improve our understanding and our intelligence. MC, would you tell Sayori about this?"

MC put on the shakiest and fakest smile and I've ever seen and gave a thumbs-up. He's probably dreading this whole "poetry" thing, and to be fair, I'm not exactly looking forward to it either. But hey, if the club president says it, then it shall be so. MC seems to understand that, too, and he accepts his fate within minutes.

"You excited?" I ask Yuri. She looked at me, a smile of genuine happiness on her face. She looks so...

"Uhm, y-yes, I am... I'm very happy, very excited. I'm looking forward to this... I-I have a passion for poetry, I write often..."

Well, if this isn't the perfect club for her, then what is? She kept that smile on her face the rest of the club meeting - I'm sure thoughts of what to write are flying through her mind the entire time.

My walk home, unfortunately, doesn't have such giddy, happy thoughts. My hopes and dreams are dashed as soon as I see my dad's car in the driveway. Yesterday was panic-inducing, but... I can only hope he won't be so bad today.

All those thoughts - and every thought in my mind - is eradicated when, as soon as I close the front door behind me, a fist comes flying into my stomach. The wind is immediately knocked out of my system, and I'm sure I'd throw up if I had anything to expel from my body.

"Fuck! You bitch!" My dad shouts. I can't ask him what's wrong, I can't even breathe, so I just wordlessly crumple on the ground.

"Do you have any fucking idea how shit my day was? That piece of shit Itaru cheated me out of every fucking _cent_ in my pocket! And he had the fucking _gall_ to tell me he wasn't cheating! I'd have a lot fucking more money if it wasn't for you, you fucking whore!"

I hear every word of what he's saying, but I still can't respond, not enough air has re-entered my system to squeak out a word.

"Huh? Just gonna say fucking silent, you useless cunt?! Fine then, fucking be that way!" He shouts, kicking me in the ribs with his boot. I don't think anything broke - I hope not - but f-fuck, it hurts...

He stormed off upstairs, slamming the door to his room behind him. Still, I can hear him screaming and kicking stuff up there. He must've lost at cards again today... those are usually his worst days.

I crawl my way to the base of the stairs, trying to slink upstairs to my room. Everything hurts, I can barely register what the fuck is around me... but I can register the boot, firmly on the stair at my face-level.

"You melodramatic bitch! What the fuck are you crawling up the stairs for?! Don't be so fucking dramatic, you sack of shit!"

I make an attempt to pull myself up from the ground, and I slowly, weakly stand up - only to get pushed down the stairs. I fall to the ground with a thud... f-fuck, my back...

"Why the fuck are you the way that you are? Stop being a dramatic piece of shit!" He shouted, coming down the stairs and stomping on my leg. I knew better than to cry out in pain - that just makes him angrier.

"Fuckin' whore..." He muttered, finally going up the stairs for good. I did my best to stand up, but my leg was limp and weak. I could barely manage to walk up, but I had to - i-if he found me crawling again...

I finally made it to my room. The door clicked and opened with a creak, and I fell on the floor inside. I pushed the door closed behind me with my good leg. I-I can't do anything right now, I need to rest here for a while, while I get better...

That, unfortunately and indeed quite sadly, is where I fall asleep. I take a good, long rest, not waking up until my alarm across the room starts beeping in the morning.


	12. Second attempt

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wherein I properly meet Natsuki's friend.

Just as yesterday, I followed Natsuki to the doors that out to the courtyard. Despite everything Natsuki told me, my heart still trembles with fear - I know Aoi is unforgiving of stalkers - which is completely within reason, may I add - so I _know_ she detests me; she'd made that much apparent yesterday. I don't know what Natsuki said to make Aoi "cool" with having me around, but I don't know if her opinion has genuinely changed. But I suppose I'm about to find out...

"Hiiiiiii~!" Aoi gleefully greets us, her smile beaming.

"Hey, Aoi," Natsuki returns, significantly less enthused. Come to think of it, she barely said anything in our free period... and she has a significant limp I hadn't noticed before. Has she been walking like that all day? What on Earth...

"Hey, Yuri!" Aoi said. "Sorry about being so mean yesterday, yes, yes," She continued, which came as a shock to me. She was apologizing for yesterday? Now _that_ is certainly a 180° change, so to speak.

"U-Uhm, please, don't concern yourself with it..." I assure her.

"No, no! I was unreasonable and I treated you poorly. My greatest apologies!" She said, bowing to me in a traditional display of regret. It's still a bit embarrassing, though, having someone bow to you in the hallway.

"A-Ah... apology accepted, then, I suppose..."

Aoi stood back up straight. "Lovely, then! Let us venture to the courtyard, then!"

It's 8° today, but I suppose Aoi has a tolerance for the cold. Natsuki wears a white scarf wrapped around her neck and lower face, keeping her warm. I have no such scarf, but I can decently tolerate such temperatures, I suppose...

We all sit at the same table as yesterday, in the same spots. Out of instinct, I initially attempt to shield myself from Aoi's gaze, but her eyes are not cold and cruel today - instead, they are warm, relaxed, and she has a light, caring smile on her face. In turn, I relax myself to the best of my ability - but still, given the cold and my fear of Aoi, I am relatively tense.

"So, I can see that we're all a little tense, yes, yes," Aoi said, as if reading my mind - but, looking over to Natsuki, I can tell just by looking at her that she's not exactly relaxed herself. Is it just as apparent with my appearance right now? I suppose that could well be the case.

"So I suppose I'll begin a pleasant conversation to ease tensions, yes, yes?" Aoi proposed. I could likely count on one hand the amount of times an introduction like "I'm going to begin a conversation now" began a genuinely pleasant and natural conversation - but still, I appreciate her attempt.

"How have classes today been, then?" She asked. If her intent is to create a pleasant atmosphere, then talking about classes is not the route she should take - and this cold is not making things easier.

"U-Uhm, as usual, I suppose..." I say, trying to work with her best I can.

"Oh, Yuri! You're enrolled in mostly honors classes, correct?"

"Uh... y-yes, I am."

"You must be very smart then."

"So everyone says."

"Well, it must be true, correct?"

"Well... I-I suppose there may be some point, b-but I feel that most anyone can succeed in a class like that with enough applied effort..."

"But still, you do seem the intelligent type, if I may be so inclined to say, yes, yes."

"A-Ah... u-uhm, thank you, I suppose..."

The conversation - a bland one - ends with that. Aoi's clearly trying, but this _cold_ , I feel, is heavily responsible for the uncomfortable atmosphere.

"So, Yuri, you're a lesbian, correct?" Aoi asks.

Judging by Natsuki's expression, she'd be spitting out a drink if she had one right now.

"A-Aoi! Y-You don't just _ask_ that!" She exclaims.

"Uhm... y-yes, I am..." I say, still shocked that Aoi asked to begin with. Natsuki is still in panic mode, and Aoi just seems confused as to what she did wrong.

"Well, I just wanted to ask because my sister is one as well. Every so often I acquire for her a yuri manga, as she is a big fan of that genre - well, Natsuki, you already know that."

"Y-Yes I know that! But just because your sister is a lesbian doesn't mean you just bring up Yuri's sexuality like that! Have you no social awareness?!"

This is... an extremely unusual situation. But if Aoi was attempting to get everyone involved in a conversation, then she succeeded.

"Well, I was simply wondering if Yuri would be interested in a manga of that variety. I apologize if I was a bit blunt."

"I-I don't really read manga..." I say. "I-I... It doesn't particularly interest me, as a genre. I prefer traditional literature."

"Ah, I see. Do you often read lesbian stories, then?"

"AOI! YOU HAVE TO STOOOOOP!" Natsuki shouted, her face going as red as a beet. "There's a certain line I draw! That line is drawn here and now!"

"Ah, my apologies, yes, yes."

"And you!" Natsuki pointed at me. "Manga is literature!"

I was a little taken aback by her ferocity, given her apathetic, unenthusiastic attitude earlier - I suppose that might have something to do with her limp. What is it with that? I'm concerned...

"I-I didn't say it wasn't..." I say.

"Eh- I-I know that! Er, I was just making sure you know... that's all, dummy..."

Well, if nothing else, I've gathered that Aoi is a bit of a strange person. For one, she's very blunt, and very socially unaware. But I suppose that makes her endearing? I wasn't particularly offended by her asking if I was a lesbian. Of course, the asking about if I read it often... I'm not willing to share that. But I must thank Natsuki for putting and end to that portion of the conversation.

"Well, my apologies for that whole debacle!" Aoi said, still smiling cheerfully.

"Y-Yeah, just don't be a dummy about that sort of thing, 'kay?" Natsuki said.

"Yes, yes! I will be more aware next time!" Aoi enthusiastically proclaimed. "Now, none of us have actually started on our food, have we?"

She made an excellent point - I'd not even opened my lunchbox. I took a few bites, only to notice Natsuki glancing back and forth between Aoi and I's lunches hungrily - just as yesterday.

"U-Uhm... w-would you like some again?" I ask.

"E-Eh?! W-What are you talking about?! I wasn't looking at your lunchbox! What are you talking about?!"

"U-Uhm... I never said..."

"Er-! I didn't mean that like that! You get it!"

I don't, I don't get it one bit.

"I-I'm sorry, I-I just thought you might want some again... my apologies..."

"Uh... y-yeah! Uh, you..." Natsuki was tripping over her own words. I believe, however, that I can decipher some sort of meaning from what she's saying.

"D-Do you want some, then?"

She fiddled with her fingers, before looking down and quietly uttering a "Y-Yes."

I comply, separating a portion of my lunch and pushing it towards Natsuki. She gives me a guilty look in the eye, as if asking for confirmation - no, as if purely feeling guilt for demanding food from me.

"P-Please, think nothing of it... I have my fill anyway. I'll be fine, but if you're hungry and go without lunch..."

Natsuki nodded, slowly starting on the food I gave her. As time passes, however, she eats with more fervor and pure, carnal hunger. I slowly continue to nibble on mine - it's not my place to judge how others eat their food, is it? After all, she's eating as if she hasn't in days. She must be famished.

As soon as she's finished, Natsuki looks up in realization of how ferociously she's eating. "S-Sorry..." She says.

"Please, don't concern yourself with it... I'm not upset if you're hungry," I assure her. She nods, but her expression makes it apparent that she remains unconvinced.

Aoi's chewing on her food happily, not looking up much from the cute display of food in her box. She picks at the food that least affects the image made by the overall whole - clearly she doesn't want to damage this handiwork, be it hers or her parent's.

"S-So, uhm..." I say to Natsuki. "Sayori's coming back to the literature club Monday... isn't it exciting?"

"Y-Yeah, you know... it'll be good to have her back."

"Sayori?" Aoi perked in, looking up from her lunch. "Who's that?"

I suppose I should've considered that Aoi would have no idea who Sayori is - I'm not certain why that fact never occurred to me. Of course, she has no reason to know who Sayori is; she isn't a member of the literature club, and I've no reason to suspect that they've any classes together.

"O-Oh, uhm..." I begin, but Natsuki interjects.

"She's in this club that Yuri and I are in, the literature club. I've known her for a few years now, since, like, the middle of middle school."

"Oh! How nice! Why has she been absent recently?" Aoi asks, oblivious. Natsuki seems a bit hesitant to answer that question.

"...personal reasons," I answer for Natsuki.

"Ah, don't worry, I understand. _Too_ personal reasons, correct? Too personal to share?"

She's right about that, but if she knew the exact reason, she probably wouldn't be so playful right now.

"Y-Yes," I say.

"That's perfectly fine," Aoi says, sipping from a juicebox. She has a juicebox?

"Well, anyway, it will be pleasant to have her back," I say, unsure of what else to say. I've heard all too much the "be sure to treat her well" spiel, from Monika especially, and even if I felt like addressing that again, I couldn't, considering that Aoi is here and has no idea what's been happening with Sayori.

"Y-Yeah..." Natsuki says, still cold. I, too, am cold. Very cold. I dearly just want to go inside.

Eventually, I get my wish - lunch ends, and we go inside, all of us to our separate classes. The literature club is uneventful - as is lunch the next day, and the literature club. But why dawdle on Friday? On Saturday, Natsuki is coming over to my house... I must prepare for this, forthwith.


	13. Saturday the 13th

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wherein Natsuki visits me at my mother's house.

I check the time - 11:53 AM. I read over our texts from Wednesday - _"Noon sounds_ _good_ , _"_ Natsuki had said. So, she should be here within minutes. I'd spent all morning preparing the place for her, I'd even prepared lunch for the two of us - two plates of pork Horumonyaki, still steaming on the table. My mother bought the ingredients special for me to prepare tonight, even though she was out of the house tonight "to give you girls some time to yourselves." Considering that grilling is not necessarily my forte, I'd had some trouble preparing the Horumonyaki, however after a quick tasting, I am confident it came out appetizing. I gave Natsuki an especially large portion, since I know how hungry she is so often, and I do hope she appreciates as much. Why she is always so hungry, I cannot say - perhaps her family is in especially low condition? Agph, I shouldn't speculate - it's rude, and I'm sure she doesn't want me looking down on her. It's simply not my position.

I check the time again - 11:58 AM. She should be here within minutes. 11:59 comes. 12:00. _Knock knock_. I hadn't anticipated her to be the sort of person to arrive exactly at a specified time, not a minute off, but indeed she knocks on the door at exactly 12:00 noon.

I open the door and see Natsuki's face standing there, as expected. She's dressed in a very light pink sweater with a slightly darker collar and cuffs. The front of the sweater is adorned with a mass quantity of pink cartoon cats. As a bottom, she wears a black skirt pulled up to her belly, going down to about halfway to her thigh. Her legs are covered by a pair of pink-and-white striped thigh-high socks, she wears a pair of white sneakers, and a satchel is slung over her shoulder. This new outfit comes as a bit of a surprise - until now, I've never seen her in anything besides her school uniform. And may I say... she dresses so _cute!_ Ah, I should be less liberal with that word... after all, I remember I would say that all the time back when I... was less healthy, so to speak.

"Ah, Natsuki... hello," I greet her; she returns with a small and quick hand gesture resembling a wave.

"Hey," She says.

"Oh, uhm, do come in," I tell her, opening the door fully and stepping to the side to allow her in. "U-Uhm, there's lunch sitting at the table for you... I'll see you there," I say, closing the door and rushing over to the table. I sit at the seat intended to be mine, making sure she sits at the plate I prepared for her.

"Oh, r-really?" She asks, a sheepish and astonished expression appearing on her face. "You didn't have to go to all _that_ effort..." She kicks off her shoes by the door, and sets her satchel down nearby.

"Please, think nothing of it," I tell her, smiling. "It's pork Horumonyaki. Grilling isn't my specialty, but I wanted to give it a shot for you... besides, it's somewhat familiar. I'm used to having Korean barbecue as a child, and this is similar to that."

Natsuki took a bite of it with the chopsticks I set at her table. "O-Oh! Yuri, it's delicious! E-Erm, I guess..." She says.

"I'm glad it's to your enjoyment..." I say, before sitting down in my chair. "Need you anything to drink?"

"Eh? N-No, I'm good for now," She says.

"Very well, then; please, help yourself," I tell her. I follow my own command and begin eating my Horumonyaki. I can't help but notice Natsuki across the table shoveling hers down her throat as fast as she can, but that's what I anticipated - she's certainly a very hungry girl, so I can't blame her for eating quickly. It's not as if I take issue with it. Within minutes, her food is gone, while I'm about halfway through my own plate.

"Wow, Yuri! I never knew you were such a good cook!" She exclaims, her eyes glimmering.

"Well, I don't know about that... my father is really quite an excellent chef, if anyone," I say. It's not a lie - my father's cooking will never grow old on me.

"Eh, never had his stuff. You're really good!" She says. I nod and accept her compliment, but it's still true that my father is superior.

"Thank you," I respond.

Natsuki takes her plate to the sink, rinsing it off quickly before placing it in the dishwasher. "Do you have any soda?" She asked; I suppose she _was_ thirsty, after all.

"Soda? Uhm, yes, in the refrigerator, top shelf," I tell her. I don't care for it myself, but my mother _loves_ soda - well, that and wine.

Natsuki reached into the refrigerator - well, more appropriately, attempted to. Evidently, the top shelf was too high for her to reach alone; however, she was adamant in getting there without asking for help. That's just the sort of person she is.

"Uhm... need you any help?" I ask her.

"Nope! I've almost got it!" She responds. I shrug and return to eating my food - I shouldn't have offered to begin with, honestly. It could only have come off as insulting to her, acting as if she needs help from me to get her own soda... my own subconscious hubris is ruining me again.

Eventually, as promised, she does indeed get the soda on her own. "Hah! See? I'm plenty tall enough on my own!"

"Forgive me for insulting your height..." I apologize. I know it's something she's particular about, so I shouldn't have been so insensitive to offer help to her...

Natsuki sighed, walked over to me, and bumped me on the head with her fist. "Why do you always gotta be so serious about stuff?"

"A-Ahm... my apologies..."

"There you go again! Always apologizing..." She cracked open her soda and took a sip.

"My ap- er, uhm..." I was at a loss, I wasn't quite sure how to respond other than apologize. Was this what she meant? Apologizing had become second-nature to me by now...

"Aaaaanyway..." Natsuki continued on. "Don't forget why I'm here," She said, a serious look entering her eye.

"Ahm... o-of course, how could I forget..." Indeed, how could I? She'd messaged me the night of the day she... _found out_. That was a shameful night for me... indeed we'd talked just earlier, but I... well, I gave in - _fed the racoon_ , as I so often put it. But her messaging me put me at ease, and I'm fortunate that she's here to do what she can for me. I don't know what she _can_ do, but I do hope it is a good help... you see, it's not as if I'm unaware that my habit is an unhealthy one - I'm all too keenly aware of its consequences. But simply knowing that much isn't enough to keep me from being _addicted_ to the sensation... at least now I can recognize it's a damaging tendency. When I was at my worst, I accepted it as an important piece of my continued existence.

"I have bandages and rubbing alcohol in my bag. The sooner we get to work, the better, but... you know, I don't wanna make this _entire_ visit just dark and gloomy and stuff... y-you get it," She told me.

"A-Ah, yes, of course," I respond. I suppose even if the purpose of the visit is grim, she is right; we can... have fun, I suppose. I don't know exactly what she likes to do in her free time... the two of us have never genuinely been friends before, after all. Really, she only tolerates me now _because_ she knows of my... tendencies. If she'd never learned, time would've continued as normal, and she would never have spared me a second thought. The most important thing to her, I surmise, must be the... the wounds, the cuts, on my arms. My actual person means little, it must. But that's not unexpected... au contraire, it's exactly as I anticipated. She'll be done with me after tonight, correct? Having treated my wounds? I suppose it was a pleasant few days, but... I cannot blame her for wanting to be done with me as soon as possible. Need I remind myself of all the things I've done?

These thoughts are what consume me, and it is because I am thinking them so intently that I neglect to notice that Natsuki has already retrieved the bandages and rubbing alcohol from her bag.

"C'mon, let's go to the bathroom for this."

I look up at her and nod. "O-Of course..." I respond before standing up and slowly following her to the bathroom door.

"Alright, let's uh..." She sounds like she's about to see "let's see those arms" or something to that effect, but decides against it, in favor of something less playful. "Roll up your sleeves," She commands.

I nod, slowly rolling up my sleeves in front of her... my heart pounds, and I believe that much is understandable. Even if she's already seen the... _wounds_... this is my first time actually rolling my sleeves up in front of someone else, so it's understandably nerve-wracking. My breathing becomes heavy, and I avert my eyes from the action I'm performing.

Of course, Natsuki doesn't hesitate to start dabbing at my arms with some cotton swabs, doused in rubbing alcohol. I'm used to experiencing pain in my arms, but... this is different. It's not a pleasant, soothing pain... it's a burning, stinging pain that causes me genuine discomfort. I wince in reaction, and it seems that Natsuki takes notice.

"I get it hurts, but c'mon... this is pretty important."

"Y-Yes..." I tell her, releasing a breath I didn't realize I was holding. But my forearms together make a rather large area, and so it takes a matter of more than 10 minutes to dab both of them down with rubbing alcohol, and not for one moment did the pain fade. Despite how horrifically unpleasant it was, it still felt... oddly cleansing. After that process was complete, she grabbed the bandages and started wrapping my right forearm up. After that one was done, she wrapped up the left.

"Alright, so, uh... I guess we're done," She said, putting her materials down and admiring her handiwork. I look down to see my forearms... covered in bandages. It's not sight I'm exactly used to... I'm used to hundreds upon hundreds of cuts, but... I suppose it's better not to think of those, correct? Lest I urge to tear these bandages off and open more wounds... exactly what I'd like to avoid.

"Uhm, t... t-thank you... I-I don't believe I can possibly thank you enough for this, Natsuki, uhm..."

"Call us even for the lunch, eh?" She says, winking at me. I can't help but smile at that quip of hers - even at a time like this, she can freely joke.

"I-I suppose... eheh..."

"Oh, and, uh, before I forget..." She hands me a slip of paper. "That's my phone number. Yeah, you already have it in your phone, but you know, if you don't have your phone with you..."

"U-Uhm... t-thank you?"

"It's because... w-well, uh..." Natsuki paused. "I-If you ever... well, if you ever feel like c-cutting... j-just call me, got it?"

"E-Eh?" It takes me a second to process that. That's... rather huge, in my opinion - and hers, clearly.

"W-Well, you know... it's kinda necessary... I gotta make sure you don't lapse, or anything like that..."

I nod slowly, accepting her offer, but...

"W-Won't I... intrude on you? Occupy your time, needlessly?"

Natsuki scoffed. "Well, it's definitely not _needless..._ you know, it's pretty important. I think it's accurate to say you _need_ to stop cutting, right?"

"U-Uhm, yes, I suppose..." A question - not entirely relevant to the topic at hand, but incidental - popped into my mind.

"Natsuki... how will I shower?"

"Oh, uh..." She dug back through her bag for the bandages. "These ones are water-proof. Pretty expensive - here, look at the packaging." She handed it to me.

"Oh, my, indeed they are waterproof..." I comment, reading the packaging. "Hm... very high-quality. I, erm... I-I apologize, since you had to spend such money on an expensive brand of bandages for me..."

"Hey, with the apologizing! Jeez... i-it's not like it was _that_ much, or anything, anyway..." She says, pouting.

"Ah, of course..." It seems I can only say "of course" and "I apologize" to her. What is the issue with me...? She's gone through all this for me, and all I can do is mutter a few words in response.

"Well, anyway... now that the hard part's over, what do you wanna do?" She asked.

"Uhm... w-well, I don't know... what do you normally spend your free time doing?"

"Eh... don't worry about that. You pick - I'm the guest, after all."

"W-Well..." She's kind of put me on the spot, no? I suppose... uhm... "I-I... I usually read. O-Or, we could, uhm... w-watch a movie, if you like... o-or, if you have any other preferences..."

"Movie sounds fun. Y'know, standard visiting stuff."

"E-Eh? S-Standard? I-I can, uh, i-if you'd rather, uhm..."

"I meant it as a compliment, don't worry," She told me, smirking. "You overthink things a lot, don't you?"

I sighed. "Uhm... y-yes..."

"Don't worry, I'm guilty of that, too... but whatever. C'mon, let's go watch a movie, eh?"

I rolled my sleeves down and followed her out of the bathroom. She sat down in the living room, and asked me: "What sort of movies do you have?"

"Uhm, well... m-mostly... u-uh, horror films..." I tell her, quieting myself. I know she doesn't like horror, so I'm sure my collection of films will be disappointing to her tastes...

"Augh..." She groans from the couch. "Er, uh... y-you know, you're the boss, since it's your house..."

"I know you don't like horror, so... I'm sure we can find something else to do..."

Natsuki sighed. "Yeah, that's fine..."

I sit next to her and ponder for a moment, what we could do... but, in a flash, it dawns on me.

"Natsuki..." I turn to her. "Are you any good at chess?"

* * *

"White," Natsuki said.

"White? I suppose that's a logical choice... white is indeed the side that makes the first move, after all," I respond.

I push all the white pieces over to her side, and in turn pull all the black pieces towards me. The both of us begin setting up.

"Uh, does the queen go on the square of the same color? Or the king?" She asks, unsure of where to place her queen.

"I've always heard the queen goes on the same color," I respond.

"Ah, 'kay then," She says, placing her queen on the white square before her. As soon as we're both set up, I gesture to her to begin the game. As white, she has the first move - she chooses to move the pawn directly ahead of her king forward, one space. I return the move by moving the pawn directly ahead of my rightmost rook ahead, one space. Now, if she takes this pawn, it's a stupid move on her end - I'll be able to take her bishop with another pawn, without having to move my knight directly into the battle so quickly.

Natsuki, however, is not stupid enough to fall for that trap. Instead, she moves the pawn in front of her left knight ahead one space, freeing up her other bishop. I move ahead the pawn in front of my king two spaces - a perfectly legal move, if it is the pawn's first move. She, in turn, moves her left bishop - the one on the black square - diagonally ahead to the left, one space - putting my black pawn within her range to capture. In response, I move the pawn ahead of my left bishop one space forward, again guaranteeing that if she takes my pawn with a bishop, her bishop shall fall to a pawn.

She returns by moving the pawn ahead of her queen forward two spaces. Now this is quite the situation - if I take her pawn, she is free to take mine in turn with a bishop, without fear of losing the bishop. However, if I don't, she is free to take my pawn next turn, culminating in a exchange of two pawns, and no lost bishop. I have to think here...

Aha. Of course. I move my right knight ahead two spaces, and one to the left. This way, if she takes my pawn next turn, I place her in an unfortunate position wherein if she attacks with her bishop, she could lose it to my knight. She quickly responds, however, by moving the pawn in front of her right bishop ahead two spaces, guaranteeing the safety of her bishop by providing security to her pawn. I notice, however, a flaw in my defense: if she were to move the pawn two spaces ahead of her queen forward, it would put my right knight at risk. I address this issue by moving my left knight directly ahead of my king, thereby providing insurance that her plan not be carried out.

On Natsuki's next turn, she draws first blood - she takes the black pawn I had a few spaces ahead of my king with the pawn she had ahead of her right bishop. I realize, suddenly, how unfortunate this situation is for me. My defense was little more than a distraction for her... lord, I need to find some way to thwart this. However... hm, perhaps this situation isn't as bad as I think? I take the pawn that drew first blood with my own pawn directly to its diagonal left. Her next move, of course, is to in turn take that pawn. However, I move the pawn directly ahead of my queen forward one space, thus pushing her into more of a corner than I. But indeed, she takes that pawn in turn with her own - dooming her pawn to be again taken by mine. Now, her bishop is free to travel across the board to take the pawn diagonally ahead of my left rook - but at what cost? If she takes it, my own bishop will be ready to take hers immediately.

She moves her leftmost pawn ahead two spaces, a move unrelated to the previous exchange, which, as of yet, has gone nowhere. After a while of thinking, I make the same move, as it seems to be the only move I _can_ make without putting myself at a disadvantage, given the precarious defensive position I'm in. However, she makes an unexpected move: she moves her queen diagonally forward to the right, one space. Her queen is about to be in the fray, which is an unfortunate position, given the power of that piece... I need to do something. I move my leftmost rook ahead, two spaces. Natsuki, apparently confident in her queen, moves her second-to-rightmost pawn ahead two spaces. I take that pawn, and she, in in turn, takes it with her queen. But what she doesn't realize is that's fallen for my trap... I move my rightmost bishop across the board and take her queen. I look up to her and see her facial expression drain of all the confidence she had. It's not her fault she fell for the trap, but... I can tell she's less than thrilled about the exchange.

Indeed, the loss of her queen ensures her defeat. After numerous turns of chasing around various pieces and pushing her king into a corner, I put her into a decisive checkmate.

"Good game..." I say, hoping to ease tensions. She sighs.

"Eh... I probably should've guessed you'd be better at this than me," She remarks.

"Please, do not discredit yourself... you employed excellent tactics, forcing me into a defensive position early on..." I assure her.

"I guess," She says, but still I can tell she is unsatisfied with the outcome of the game.

"Well, uhm, I suppose that's done and done..." I say, putting away the chess pieces and closing up the board. "I do hope I haven't bored you today... w-would you like to do something else?"

Natsuki hemmed and hawed over the question for a second, before asking me a question in turn. "Do you have any of those cheesy, goofy horror movies from the 80s? _That_ I might be willing to sit through."

"Oh, uhm... I-I do have some classic movies like that. The original _Friday the 13th_ falls into that category."

"Well, today is the 13th... though it isn't Friday," Natsuki remarked. "Sure, why not? It can't be _that_ scary, right?"

I nod. "Of course not... I've seen it before, and there are much worse."

* * *

Evidently, Natsuki had _not_ seen much worse. About two-thirds through the movie, she was huddled under a blanket against me for support. I could feel her shaking underneath it.

"G-Good l-lord... s-s-she kills a lot of p-people here... f-fuck, t-there she goes again..." She says, after the antagonist kills another character.

"Please, don't concern yourself over it... you've nothing to worry about, I can protect you from Mrs. Voorhees," I tease. Natsuki said nothing, nodding while still shuddering. I've seen this film numerous times before, and it's so cheesy that it really amuses me more than anything... but I can understand how someone like Natsuki might be scared of it - she doesn't have much experience with horror, after all.

"Here, would like me to go make you some more popcorn?" I ask her. Natsuki again, just nodded.

"Alright, I'll be right back," I say, leaving the living room and going to the kitchen. As I've learned, Natsuki has an affinity for popcorn - she's already eaten three entire bags, poured out into bowls. I open the microwave and set the bag in there, setting a timer for a minute and three quarters. I glance over to the living room; I cannot see Natsuki from here, as the couch is facing away from me, but I imagine she must be laying there, still shuddering. Poor thing... I asked her if she wanted to stop watching a few times, but she was adamant on finishing the movie. I feel bad leaving her alone like this, but... it's just to get popcorn, I'm sure she'll be fine without me for just a minute.

After the allotted time, the microwave goes off, the and popcorn is finished. I open up the bag and dump its contents out into the bowl that last three bags went into, and walk back to the living room over to Natsuki. However...

I'm not expecting what I see - Natsuki clutching the couch with her fist, sobbing quietly into the blanket. She's... w-what went wrong?

I pause the movie, set the popcorn on the table, and coddle Natsuki in my arms. "H-Hey, hey... I-I, uhm..." I'm not skilled with words, so I just hold her close and try to keep her warm and comfortable. I can hear her muttering something...

_"I don't want him to get me... I-I don't want him to get me..."_

"Him?" Who's "him?" I don't ask as much, but I know it's not about the movie - the antagonist in _Friday the_ _13th_ is Jason Vorhees' mother, Pamela. Who is "he?" Is she being bullied by a particular student? Or...

She never has lunch money, and she was limping the other day... I quickly move aside her sleeve and see a bruise on her arm. Her skirt is riding up, so I see bruises on her thighs as well... then, _him_...

Suddenly, everything falls together perfectly. _Him_... her guardian at home - possibly her parent. He's... a-abusing her... and I had _no idea_... as the realization dawns upon me, my eyes widen in shock. I... am I just going to send her home? I-I can't do that in good conscience... can I talk to her about this, though? O-Or... is it too sensitive for even her? How would she react?

"N-Natsuki..." I quietly utter. "Uhm... y-your home life... uh..."

"M-My dad is a good man!" She denies. "S-Shut up!" My suspicions are only confirmed - I'd never said anything about her father, but she mentioned him as soon as I even began to question her home life. So, her _father_ is the one doing this to her... how dare he...

"I-I never said anything about your father... I... I'm just concerned..."

"W-Well you shouldn't be..." She says, still in hysterics, but not in full-on panic attack mode. She's thinking enough that she's denying her father has done anything, but she's still hectic. "H-He would never do anything bad to me! Ever!"

She shot up from the couch. "I-I should go, it's pretty late now, and he'll be expecting me back..."

"N-Natsuki, no..." I protest. I can't let her go back to him if he's abusive - I _can't_ , not in good conscience.

"No! I should... I had fun, Yuri, but I'm going home now... goodbye, see you Monday," She declared. She'd already gotten her shoes and bag on, and she was out the door before I could say another word.

"N-Natsuki..." I quietly uttered, her having already left. What was he going to do to her when she got home? Beat her? And what am I going to do? I'm going to sit here and cry over it like an idiot, who can't do anything more... But she was resolved to help me with my cutting, correct? I-I have to do something, I _have_ to, after what she's done for me. But she is going to violently reject me... I... I should perhaps use some... _underhanded methods_ , so to speak.

It's not about love this time - it's about safety. And I have no choice.


	14. Distractions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Where I read.

"You bitch!" Are the first two words that greet me in the door. The first sensation that greets me is a boot in the stomach.

"It's 7:30! Seven-fucking-thirty! PM! You said you'd be back in a few hours - it's been _seven and a half fucking hours!_ Do you think I'm a fucking idiot or something? Do you think I'd just be a bumfuck idiot at home, drunk and high off my ass, not noticing you were fucking gone for _seven and a half fucking hours?!_ Is that seriously what you fucking think?!" My dad yells at me.

"N-No... Papa, please, I didn't expect to be gone so long either..."

"Bull fuckin' horse shit! You were probably out there fuckin' 15 dudes, weren't you?! You fucking whore!"

"N-No! I-I wasn't, I swear! I-I was just visiting my friend..." I guess I just referred to Yuri as my friend, but it's not the first thing on my mind right now.

"For _seven and a half fuckin' hours?!_ Do you think I'm fuckin' retarded enough to believe that you were at one fuckin' girl's house for seven hours?! What the fuck do you do in seven fuckin' hours, anyway, you sack of shit?!"

"W-We played chess, a-a-and watched a movie..."

"For _seven fuckin' hours?!_ I'm sick of listening to your shit!" He kicked me in the leg, causing me to double over and fall on the ground. Before I could get up, he picked up a pretty heavy book from a mostly barren bookshelf and threw it at my head.

"You're lucky to fuckin' have me, you know that? You're lucky to have a father like _me_ , who'll discipline you, and call you out on your UTTER FUCKING HORSE SHIT!" He screamed. I felt my forehead and saw that there was blood on my fingers... that book opened a bloody wound...

"If you had some pansy-ass fucker raising you, you'd be an ungrateful shit! Not that you fuckin' aren't - but I'm sure fuckin' trying to make sure you get it through your thick fuckin' skull that _I AM IN CHARGE!!_ Do you fucking hear me, you little bitch? You fuckin' whore?!"

I nodded. "Y-Yes, Papa..."

"You'd fuckin' better! You'd fuckin' better understand me! I am the fucking _king_ in this house, and you're a fuckin' street whore! I don't know _why_ the fuck I have to explain this simple fuckin' shit to you so many fuckin' times!"

"I-I know, I understand, Papa, y-you're in charge..." I weakly say.

"Then WHY THE FUCK DO YOU KEEP FUCKING DISOBEYING ME, AND MY FUCKIN' RULES?!" He shouted at the top of his lungs, getting up close to me. "IF YOU FUCKING UNDERSTAND, THEN WHY THE FUCK DO YOU KEEP DISOBEYING, HUH?! ARE YOU FUCKING RESISTING ME ON PURPOSE?! YOU FUCKIN' SHITBAG!"

"P-Papa, no, I-I would never... p-please..."

He kicked me in the ribs, and apparently unsatisfied, went in for another. "YOU FUCKIN' WHORE! YOU FUCKIN' DIRTBAG! YOU FUCKIN' BITCH!" He shouted. He grabbed me by the collar, and I could feel his warm, unpleasant breath and speckles of spit as he shouted at me. "I PROVIDE A HOUSE FOR YOU, YOU FUCKIN' PIECE OF SHIT! THE LEAST YOU CAN FUCKIN' DO IS FOLLOW MY FUCKIN' RULES, AND FOR SOME FUCKIN' STUPID REASON, YOU'RE TOO FUCKIN' RETARDED TO DO EVEN THAT!"

He threw me to the ground, and stomped on my back. "You fuckin' whore... maybe if you hadn't been born, Umeko would still be fuckin' alive... bitch..." He growled, storming off upstairs - making sure to take a bottle of beer with him. I already know mom died because of me, he doesn't need to mention again... there's really no reason for me to be alive at all. If I had died instead of mom, she and dad would be living happily right now. But the doctors decided to save me, so now dad lives like this...

This is why I can never leave him, or even _try_ \- this is my punishment for living instead of mom. This is why I can't let Yuri, or anyone else for that matter, know _anything_ about this. I don't _deserve_ concern, so I'm not gonna let people give me concern. This is the way it's supposed to be. But for some stupid reason... my mind always goes to "no," or "I don't want this," or "I wish he would stop," even though my rational side knows better.

I let these thoughts run through my mind to pass the time as I crawl upstairs - this time is worse than the other day, so I can't stand. But I don't think he's gonna come out of his room right now, anyway, since he's already had his outburst, so I'm safe to make it up to my room.

I manage to open my bedroom door and crawl inside. Lucky for me, I still have the bandages from when I helped Yuri earlier, so I clean up my forehead and bandage it myself. I'm just gonna stay in here for the rest of the day, it's not like there'll be dinner or anything... I need to occupy myself. It took a while to clean up my forehead - I don't think it needs stitches - so that occupied some time. But I need to keep myself from crying... I just left Yuri's house, and she hasn't texted me yet, so she's probably good - plus, it's not like I can just message her right now, after I left like that. I could... read some manga. That's a good idea. But looking through my manga drawer, I don't particularly feel like re-reading anything right now... I guess I could keep reading _Emerald is Unshatterable_. I go to my backpack to pull that out, and open it up, but...

Ugh, of course... it's the yuri manga that Aoi gave me. _Sweet Lipstick_. Honestly, I don't know why I've kept this damn thing with me so long. But I'm devoid of any energy right now, so I sink the floor, manga in hand. I can't get up to get _Emerald is Unshatterable_ right now... I sigh, bereft of any other choice. I open up to page one of a girls' romance novel. Is this really where I am nowadays...? I've resorted to this? Uph...

Well, whatever... I find in the first page that the main character's name is Hanako. Reminds me of a visual novel I played once. The other girl is named Koharu... they don't love each other yet. But they will, of course they will... that's the genre, after all. Lesbian romance, right? And here I am, a straight girl, reading it to keep myself from crying, because a friend gave it to me. An impossible set of coincidences, eh?

Anyway, Hanako's a shy girl who doesn't interact with others - again, reminds me of a visual novel I played once. But she falls for a girl named Koharu, who is one of the most popular girls in school. Seems kinda cliche, right? I think so, but I'm here reading it, so I guess I shouldn't complain. It'll occupy a few hours of my time...

* * *

This book is a lot longer than I thought. And a lot more investing. I'm sitting upright, tense, reading this manga. Hanako and Koharu... t-they deserve each other! They're so perfect! But Koharu is so blunt and unwilling to change, she ends up accidentally hurting Hanako... Hanako, you have to get with her! Koharu didn't mean it, she loves you! My heart pounds and my breath staggers... p-please, let this have a happy ending... I might end up really crying if this has a sad ending.

Koharu is such a sweet girl... she may seem kinda cold when she's being admired as the most popular girl in school, but when she meets Hanako... they build upon each other so well. Koharu helps Hanako come out of her shell, and Hanako helps Koharu come out with her genuine feelings more - including her lesbianism. You'd never think they'd do so well for one another, but... oh my god, I love them so much! Who's the author of this? I check the front cover... Chiharu Morisaka. She is _such_ an excellent mangaka! Her characters, her story, her art...

I close _Sweet Lipstick_ with a bookmark on the latest page I read and go to my laptop, googling the name _Chiharu Morisaka_. Apparently, she's the author of a number of yuri romance stories, with high acclaim among the yuri community. Excellent characters, wonderful stories... she was inspired to write yuri by her high school sweetheart, Azumi. How sweet is that? I haven't finished _Sweet Lipstick_ , but when I do, I have to check out Morisaka's other stuff. It's a lovely story, I almost wish I was living it...

Wait, what? I almost wish I was living it? Living a... lesbian romance story? Pssh... knock it off, Natsuki, you already _know_ you're not a lesbian. After all, it's not that they're both girls - it's that their characters are well-written. And it's only natural to pay special attention to the intimate scenes, they contain a _lot_ of important info for the story. Anyway, I open up _Sweey Lipstick_ again - damn, am I addicted to this book or what?

Anyway, the scene I open up on is a flashback to when Hanako and Koharu had their... well, _first time_ together. It was never shown before, but now it's in a flashback scene with Hanako remembering what Koharu was like. And, well... it doesn't leave many details up to the imagination. Hanako's body is... uh, she... it's normal for a heterosexual girl to acknowledge that a girl is hot, right? I mean, other girls do it all the time... "Satomi, you look so hot today!" You know, that sort of gossipy stuff. So yeah, uh... Hanako's pretty hot, _especially_ with her clothes off - er, I guess that's less normal, but c'mon... I'm human, I can appreciate the human body. Huph, though... I guess it is kinda weird. But I already know I'm abnormal, so let me have this one, 'kay?

I take a second to notice that while my left hand holds the book, my right hand is moving down on its own towards the area that shall not be named. That's not cool. I know it may _seem_ bad, but trust me, it's fine... I was just subconsciously reacting to what they were doing in the manga. I've noticed it before - sometimes, when I'm reading _Emerald is Unshatterable_ , I replicate the facial expressions they're making. So this is just an extension of that.

I hear dad stomp down the hall, and I hide _Sweet Lipstick_ under the covers of my bed. I'm not gay, but if he saw me reading this, it'd be pretty hard to explain - plus, he has a distaste for manga in general. And how can I forget what he said to me...

_"Listen, I don't give much of a shit about gays. Faggots can be faggots, see if I give a shit. But you... I want grandkids, gottit? You're not a dyke. You're **not** a dyke."_

That point's kinda moot, since obviously I'm not a lesbian, but he'd definitely think I was if he caught me reading this...

Anyway, it seems like he's already gone past my door, so I pull the book out from beneath my covers and pick up where I left off. Gotta appreciate Hanako's body... she's shy, yeah, but she's got _huge_ , uh... you know. Koharu seems to recognize that much, too...

I'm sure this scene isn't necessarily meant to be arousing - I mean, it's pretty intimate. And, of course, I'm _not_ aroused by it - that'd make me a lesbian. But whatever, I keep reading. I love this scene - I mean, no more than any other scene, but you know... it's good. You know, why do I have to justify myself? I just wanna read this scene, damn it! So I'm gonna do that! I'm gonna read this scene - after all, this manga has made my evening _so_ much better than it was earlier - er, not the visit to Yuri's place. That was cool. What _wasn't_ cool was, uh... when I walked through the door.

But, my train of thought is crashed when I hear the buzz of a notification on my phone. It's a little past 9:00, so I'm wondering who's texting me right now... oh yeah. Yuri.

_"My apologies for bothering you, but you told me to message you whenever I felt the need to... well, you understand."_

I sighed. I know, I did tell her that. I'm glad she's got the balls to actually do it, though. My concern was that she'd chicken out.

 _"Hi, I'm here :)"_ I message her. _"What's wrong?"_

_"It's never been an issue of what's been wrong... I apologize if I sound as if I am attempting to downplay your intelligence. I do hope, though, that perhaps by talking to you instead, I can alleviate my... desires. I apologize again."_

_"Dw ab it, remember? We good ^w^"_

_"I'm very glad to hear that. Well... what is going on currently? With you, that is."_

_"Nothin much, just reading manga in my room"_

_"Oh, is that so? That sounds pleasant. How are you at home, usually?"_

_"Eh? o.o"_

_"My apologies, that may have come off as a weird question... I was merely curious as to what your general home life is like."_

Now that's quite the suspicious question. Given what happened earlier... what is she suspecting?

 _"What exactly do u mean?"_ I ask her, not _too_ aggressively, but still putting pressure on her.

_"Just generally. I don't mean anything specific, I was just curious as to what it is like over there."_

_"Really? O.o"_

_"Yes. Do you suspect I have an ulterior motive?"_

_"Just curious ;3"_

I end the last message playfully, to show I'm not _too_ serious. Plus, the teasing "just curious" is the same thing that she said earlier, so it should probably come off as playful.

_"I apologize for coming off that way. I've bothered you too much already today, I should know better by now."_

_"Aw, jeez, you! Pls dw ab it"_

It seems things are back to normal now. I've gotten Yuri off my back - for now, at least. But hey, if I can keep Aoi off my case, then I can keep Yuri off my case too, right?

_"Anyway, u good still? U know I'm worried about ur arms :("_

Maybe a bit of an inappropriate message, given the context, but... Yuri seems fine with it when I'm more casual, so I hope she doesn't mind.

_"Things are fine, yes... I thank you for talking to me. I feel fine now. I ought to be off to bed, it is already almost 10:00... I shall see you on Monday, Natsuki."_

Was it really already almost 10? Jeez, it is... I look to my clock, and sure enough, it's 9:55. I guess I spent a lot of time reading _Sweet Lipstick_... the scene I'm in is really good, so I guess I'll finish it and pick it up again tomorrow.

But of course, a revelation comes to me as soon as I pick the book up - I've forgotten a very important fact about Monday.

Sayori's coming back.


	15. Welcome

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wherein Sayori returns.

"Oi, Yuri!" Natsuki said. I lowered my book below my eyes to see her standing above me. "Excited for Sayori to come back?"

"Eh?" It surprised me - not because Natsuki was concerned about Sayori. I knew they were at least somewhat close, though the extent of their friendship escapes me. What surprised me was the fact that she'd said anything to me at all; generally, during free period, we tend to read silently to ourselves without any sort of chit-chat or conversation - with, of course, the occasional exception. But especially recently, we tend to be silent during this time. Still, it's understandable... she must be excited about this.

"Of course, yes..." I say, putting a bookmark in Gogol's _The Overcoat_ and closing it. "I take it you, too, are excited?"

"Uh- yeah. I'm pretty excited for Sayori to come back. You know, she and I go back to, like... last year of middle school?"

"You would know before I," I say.

"Yeah, it was the last year of middle school," Natsuki decided. "We've known each other since then. So it's pretty cool she's back today."

"Y-Yes, I agree... even if I don't know her as well as you, I'll be happy to see her return."

"Yeah, me too..." Natsuki said, finishing off our conversation. I return to _The Overcoat_ , silently reading to myself until the end of our free period.

Lunch, of course, is much less silent - partially because we don't eat in the library, but also partially because Aoi is there. She's certainly the conversational type, which, naturally, generates some awkward situations when she tries to strike a conversation with me. I've never been good at that sort of thing, holding a conversation... generally what ends up occurring is that I sit and eat in silence, either thinking off to myself or listening to their conversation.

Today, as usual, Aoi greets us with a bright smile and an energetic wave as she sees us approaching in the hallway. Natsuki responds with a quick hand gesture of her own, and I lightly smile at her.

"Hello, Aoi," I say.

"Hey, guys! Wanna eat outside again today?" She asked. It had become common practice for us to eat outside by this point, despite Aoi being the only one of us with a particular resistance to the cold.

"Aoi, you'll never _not_ confound me... you _do_ know that it's January, right?" Natsuki said.

"Ah, but it's 14° today, yes, yes!" Aoi informed us, as if that were tropical weather.

"Eh, whatever..." Natsuki said, relenting and following Aoi outside anyway. I trailed behind the both of them, following them over to the usual table and sitting in my usual spot. Aoi and I unpacked our lunchboxes, and Natsuki - not without thorough convincing - ate half of my lunch.

"Hey, your club member's coming back today, right?" Aoi asked.

"Uhm- yes, she is... Sayori, she's coming back today..." I confirmed.

"Yeah, it's _super_ cool that she's coming back!" Natsuki exclaimed. She seemed especially cheerful because of Sayori's return, but... I had trouble focusing on her words. Instead, what I focused most on was the scar on her forehead... I'd mentioned once, at the beginning of our free period, but naturally she shut me down. But, from what information I've already put together, I already know who caused the wound...

I quietly sighed to myself, resting my head in my hand, elbow on the table. I was still gravely concerned for Natsuki, given what I've gathered about her home situation... I'd agonized over it all day yesterday. How I wish it was as simple as calling the police... nay, at least at present, that is not the best possible option. I can't be the first person to have considered calling the police in regards to Natsuki's situation... but no doubt, either willingly or unwillingly, Natsuki pretends that all is fine when the police come to her house. Perhaps there is some reason she might want to protect her father... abusers often have not only physical, but mental control over their victim. What needs to happen is for Natsuki's father to be arrested on the spot, and in order for that to happen, I need some sort of undeniable evidence of what is happening in that house. But... that presents its own problems. I'd... I'd have to follow Natsuki home. I'd have to breach her privacy, and follow her home... breaking the trust she now has for me not to stalk her. Aoi had condemned me for being a former stalker, while Natsuki has insisted I'd changed. If I were to follow Natsuki home, I'd only prove Natsuki wrong, that I _hadn't_ changed, that I'm just as horribly unpleasant as I always have been.

Furthermore... suppose I go through with it - I abandon all my decency, and follow Natsuki home. What am I to do...? What constitutes undeniable evidence? A photo, a video? I'd have to _film_ Natsuki being beaten by her father? I've heard that in a situation where something terrible is happening, bystanders are just as bad as the offender... to not only allow it to happen, but to _film it_ , would make me a despicable, disgusting, irredeemable person, unfit to so much as _live_... is it truly worth it?

I ponder this. Is it worth it...? My own livelihood for Natsuki's safety? It'd be selfish of me to suppose that my own status in Natsuki's eyes means _nothing_ compared to Natsuki's own well-being. B-But still... to _watch_ Natsuki be beaten, and to _film_ it... that may be too far. Is there some other option? Something else I could do to prove, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that Natsuki is being abused? Something that would get the police involved immediately?

"Right, Yuri?"

My thoughts are interrupted by the sound of Aoi's voice uttering my name.

"E-Eh?" I emote, unsure as to what's going on.

"Wouldn't you agree with me?" She asked.

"U-Uhm..." This was quite awkward. "M-My apologies... I 'zoned out,' so to speak, and I didn't hear what you were talking about... again, my apologies..."

"Oh, don't worry about it, yes, yes! Allow me to explain..." Aoi said, pushing up her glasses. "Natsuki and I were discussing if it is 'gay' for a straight woman to read yuri - or, for that matter, a straight man to read yaoi, but the premise is the same in either situation."

That's... completely asinine - nay, pointless is perhaps a better term. What a useless discussion.

"Uhm... w-well, I suppose only if the person reading it experiences arousal while they read it..." I say, making a point that sounds accurate.

"Ha! Take that!" Natsuki said, crossing her arms with a definitive, victorious confidence.

"Ah, but I raise you this - suppose you were walking through the hall, and saw a girl reading yuri. Would your first assumption be that they are a homosexual, or that they are merely 'reading if for the story?' Hm?" Aoi asked.

I thought, and of course, my natural assumption was the former - that the person in question is gay.

"T-That's also a good point..." I admitted.

"Hey! It doesn't matter what your 'first assumption' is! What matters is the truth of whether the person actually is or isn't gay!" Natsuki fired back.

"What other sort of person would be seeking out yuri to begin with? Do heterosexuals not tend to seek out straight romance, and homosexuals gay romance? Even in the face of excellent characters, more than 99% of heterosexuals will choose a straight romance, and vice-versa, yes, yes," Aoi said.

"Doesn't matter if it's 99%! The 1% still exists!"

"Negatably. They hardly exist outside a few individuals, and these small exceptions don't redefine the overall rule."

"The only place a 'rule' exists is your own head! Don't think I'll fall for a mental trick like that!"

This conversation seems to be getting less and less related to the original topic by this point... I sigh, not particularly invested in the outcome. I glance back at the scar on Natsuki's forehead... what am I going to do about her?

I look around the courtyard to see the few people besides us getting up. Looking at the clock, the time for us to depart has already arrived.

"Excuse me," I say, drawing Natsuki and Aoi's attention and ending their discussion. "I believe the time has come for us to leave. Lunch is ending."

The two looked up at the clock at the same time.

"Oh, so it is, yes, yes!" Aoi said, packing up her lunchbox and standing up. Natsuki took about a second more to stand up fully.

"Well, seeya, Aoi," Natsuki said calmly, a stark contrast from how heated she was about the discussion that transpired mere moments earlier.

"Bye byeee~!" Aoi said, waving to the two of us. Natsuki went off on her own to her sixth period, and I to mine. My mind, as it so often does, wondered during class. But, eventually, it fell on a topic Natsuki had mentioned, but I'd managed to forget about it only a single lunch period:

Sayori is returning today.

* * *

Natsuki looked giddy - I could hear the sound of her tapping on her desk repeatedly, and I could see her glancing back to the door repeatedly, waiting for Sayori to arrive. MC isn't here, either, so my theory is that Sayori and MC will be arriving together.

As expected, Sayori and MC arrive in the door at the same time, notably holding hands. Sayori has a warm, genuine smile on her face, though she does look slightly paler than before... the notable change in her appearance, however, is the bandages wrapped around her neck. No doubt those are covering the wound from her... attempt... but no effort is made to cover them - the collar of her shirt isn't pulled up, nothing of the sort. They're plainly visible and on display.

"Hey, everyone," Sayori said. "I'm glad to be back!"

"Sayoooooriiiiiiii!!" Natsuki yelled, bounding up from her chair and rushing towards Sayori. "I missed yooooooouuuuuuuuu~!!!"

"Ahhh! Natsuki!!!" Sayori shouted in a similar excited tone, letting go of MC's hand to give Natsuki a tight bear hug. "It's been wayyyy too long!"

"God, you big dummy! I missed you so much!" Natsuki said, ignoring the fact that Sayori was quite literally crushing her.

I smiled at them, once again putting a bookmark in _The Overcoat_. Their friendship is endearing. I'd never had anyone quite like that - or, at all for that matter. I don't want to downplay Sayori and Monika, because of course I'd been in the literature club with them since shortly after it first began, but... I've never felt like I genuinely _know_ them all that well. I'd never interacted with them much, generally just reading on my own or making tea. And, of course, I didn't know Natsuki well - "well" being a relative term - until recently. However, given the way things are going, I don't know what my future will be with them... Sayori is out of the hospital after a suicide attempt, so I'm not entirely certain how to approach the situation - well, despite the fact that she seems to be completely normal with Natsuki now. Monika... I don't know about her. And I fear I may ruin what little I have with Natsuki in the near future, given her home situation and all my dreadful possible solutions...

I look at Natsuki again. She's so happy in the arms of her best friend - she's cheering, grinning, blushing even... but when she goes home... her father, her own father...

I look away, not bearing to dwell on it anymore. But still, I am keenly aware that every day I don't act, is another day of him mistreating her. Is there hope, any at all?

Sayori and Natsuki finally break away from one another, but still the affection between them is palpable. Are they...? No, that's a stupid thing to suggest. Sayori came in holding MC's hand, and Natsuki has made her heterosexuality more than apparent to me before. It was just a one-off thought, there's nothing deeper to it.

"How ya been?" Sayori asked Natsuki.

"Pssh! I've been fine, but not as good as I would've been if you were here!"

"Daw, you!" Sayori gushed.

"Well, well, it seems you two have gone back to normal quite immediately," Monika said, coming over to them. Her approach seemed to almost kill the bubbly, cheerful atmosphere Natsuki and Sayori had created. MC stood by, leaning against the wall.

"Oh, uh, yeah..." Natsuki said, now considerably less enthused. I couldn't see Monika's face from this angle, but Natsuki avoided looking at it. Sayori, however, still seemed quite happy to be back.

"Hey, Monika!" Sayori said. I was now, suddenly, reminded of what Monika had said last week:

_"She's kind of... in an 'in-between state,' if you will. I think she's sort of... blended the facade she put on, with her actual feelings. That Masaaki boy has apparently been a huge help. So, she's going to be a bit more melancholy than before, but she'll still be Sayori."_

"A bit more melancholy?" I haven't noticed that at all. She seems completely the same as before, and she hasn't so much as mentioned the scars around her neck or even the hospital at all.

"We're happy to have you back," Monika said.

"And I'm happy to be back! I already have the poem MC told me about ready!" Sayori said.

"Oh, excellent! My intent was to exchange poems at the end of the club, but since you're so prepared, why don't we go ahead and do it now?" Monika suggested. Everyone - including myself - went through their bags to grab their poems. Natsuki and Sayori first exchanged theirs, and I could see MC approaching me with a nervous and displeased expression on his face. He and I didn't know one another in any capacity, so I'm sure approaching me for this must be just as awkward for me as it is for him.

"Uh, h-hey..." He said, uncomfortably. "Uh... I'm not good at poetry or anything like that, so don't be surprised if it's bad, y'know?"

"Uhm, p-please, don't concern yourself with it... no one is an expert on their first attempt..." I said, handing my poem to his and taking his in my hand.

_"Wonderful World"_

_"I see trees of gray,_

_Red water too,_

_Flowers are dying,_

_There's nothing I can do,_

_So I think to myself:_

_What a wonderful world._

_And in my mind,_

_What do I see?_

_I see the things that've,_

_Happened cuz' of me,_

_So I wish to myself:_

_What a wonderful world."_

It's a short poem, but... it's effectively just a lyric swap of Louis Armstrong's _What a Wonderful World_. I can tell he's an amateur, but it's not as if it bothers me. I meant what I said - no one is an expert on their first attempt.

"Uhm, uh... interesting, using the lyrics for _What a Wonderful World_ ," I comment, trying to say something positive. "I think it has an interesting message, about wishing things were better in a terrible time."

"Uh, y-yeah..." MC said. "Yours is... very good, very good. I mean, y'know, kinda dark, but that sort of thing doesn't bother me. I'm not really sure how to put it into words, I'm not good at this, but, uh... I like it, I do like it. It sounds very, uh... smart."

"Oh, uhm... thank you," I say, smiling lightly. We return our poems to one another, and I get up, looking to see who else I could trade with. Sayori, apparently finished with Natsuki, gives her poem to me, a wide smile on her face.

"I didn't get a chance to say hello to you yet, Yuri! I'm really happy to see you again!" She said to me.

"My apologies, I didn't want to interrupt the moment you and Natsuki were having..." I said.

"Aw, you're just the same, you big goof!" Sayori said. Despite being much shorter than I, she reaching up and pat me on the head. "Don't worry about that sort of thing, 'kay? You and I are friends."

I nodded, looking down at Sayori's poem.

_"My bad"  
_

_"My bad! My fault,_

_Sorry about that._

_Shoulda done better!_

_I kinda messed up there,_

_But I've gone and washed my hair,_

_And boy do I feel better!_

_I messed up real bad,_

_I got all weepy and sad,_

_But now I'm back!_

_And things are fine,_

_and they always will be,_

_Forever down the line."_

The message is obvious - she's apologizing for attempting suicide.

"Sayori, you..."

She looked at me inquisitively. I went into this head-first, not realizing my own limits...

"U-Uhm... please, you don't have to apologize... we, uhm..." I took a second to find the right wording. "It's... not your fault."

Sayori smiled in understanding, and for a second I could see the melancholy that Monika mentioned.

"I... get it. Thank MC for that," Sayori said. I nodded.

"Oh, and, uh... your poem's really good, Yuri! I know you love to write, but uh, I didn't know you were so good! It's a little complex for dummy ol' me to understand, hehe!" She said, bonking her head.

"Ah, yes, I am very passionate about writing... thank you, thank you very much," I say, the two of us taking our poem back. Monika is the next open candidate, so I go over to her.

"Ah, Yuri! Hello, how are you?" Monika asked, handing me her poem. I handed her mine.

"Uhm, I'm fine..." I say.

"Wonderful!" Monika said. Her smile is... oddly eerie. All the more reason to avoid looking at her and just read her poem...

_"A Tribute to Muhammad Ali"_

_"Me,_

_We."_

It took me a second to register that that was it: _"Me, We."_ I suppose this is one of those minimalist poems?

Monika laughed lightly. "I suppose you're already done with my poem?"

I nodded. "It's uhm, very minimalistic," I say, even though just saying that may be an understatement of just how minimalistic it is.

"I may've bent the rules slightly - I actually didn't come up with it. It's a poem created by Muhammad Ali when he spoke at Harvard University. When presented with what the traditionally 'shortest poem' was, he came up with a shorter one - and that is what you see before you."

"Ah, I'd never heard that story before... how interesting," I remark.

"Ho? And I always thought you were the poetry aficionado," Monika teased.

"Well, I-I suppose I'm more interested in traditional mediums of poetry... e-erm, not to downplay Mr. Ali's contribution," I say.

"Eh, don't worry about it," Monika says, handing my poem back to me. I return the favor in kind, and only as I walk away do I remember that Monika didn't tell me about my poem. Oh well, I suppose... I walk over to Natsuki.

"Uhm, h-hello..." I say. I handed Natsuki my poem, and she hers.

_"Potato Chip Sandwiches"_

_"Everyone thinks I'm just like the rest of 'em,_

_The people who eat Potato Chip Sandwiches._

_Well guess what? I'm my own person!_

_I like mine with mayonnaise,_

_And spicy mustard,_

_And peanut butter!_

_I don't care what the other people are like,_

_the ones who also eat Potato Chip Sandwiches,_

_'Cuz guess what?_

_I'm my own person!"_

The "Potato Chip Sandwiches" in this poem are obviously a thinly-veiled metaphor for something else, but what it is I can't determine. Still, Natsuki's writing style is... unique, certainly different from the traditional format I'm used to.

"Uhm, your poem, it's not bad..." I say, thinking of something positive to say. "Uhm, a-a bit... nontraditional? B-But there are many people going in that direction now, s-so I suppose it's not an issue..."

"Yeah..." Natsuki said, still reading over my poem. "Yours is... kinda creepy? E-Er! B-But, in a good way... b-but not _too_ good, y-you know... d-dummy..." Natsuki said, trying to find an imaginary middle ground on whether my poem was excellent or terrible.

"Oh, uhm, t-thank you, I suppose..." I say, taking her vague words as a general compliment.

"Y-Yeah, you're welcome, I guess," Natsuki said.

With all poems now exchanged, everyone returned to what is just general, normal club activity - except, of course, that Natsuki and Sayori are doing some catching up, with myself simply sitting and reading at the back of the class. Gogol's _The Overcoat_ has certainly captured my interest and attention.

Still, my thoughts will always wander... what should I do about Natsuki?


	16. Discovery

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Where I make a few discoveries, some better than others.

Yuri's poem is good, like... _really_ good. Like, _crazy_ good. I take a second to look over it again.

_"Doldrums"_

_"This is the way it is,_

_As it always will be._

_I've lived this way all my life,_

_With no end in sight,_

_And I like to call this life,_

_The doldrums._

_The time ticks by,_

_The clock drags on,_

_As a fire rages behind me._

_It burns so many,_

_It hurts so much,_

_And yet here I sit, ignoring it._

_Every second that ticks by,_

_It multiplies in size,_

_And only I have the extinguisher._

_But I am a slave to my own nature,_

_And so I sit,_

_And look away."_

Jeez, I mean... i-it's really good... I could tell from how she reacted on Thursday that Yuri was a poetry enthusiast, but she... jeez, I guess I didn't realize she'd be _this_ good at it... I dunno, man, but she's _really_ good.

"Uhm, your poem, it's not bad..." Yuri said, interrupting my thought. "Uhm, a-a bit... nontraditional? B-But there are many people going in that direction now, s-so I suppose it's not an issue..."

Yeah, mine isn't that great... and no, I don't like to eat potato chip sandwiches, _especially_ not with mayo, spicy mustard, and peanut butter. But it's the best metaphor I could think of for _Sweet Lipstick_ , at least at the time. I'm reading it, yeah, but I'm not _gay_ like other people who read it. I'm pretty sure that sort of metaphor gets through, but I dunno - like I said, I'm not good at it.

"Yeah..." I said, looking through Yuri's poem again. God, it's so good... I mean, it's dark, but like, uh... "Yours is... kinda creepy?"

S-Shit! I shouldn't've said that... t-that's not what I meant, it makes it sound bad!

"E-Er! B-But, in a good way..." I say. I don't want to heap praise onto her or anything, though, like I'm _worshiping_ her... "B-But not _too_ good, y-you know... d-dummy..."

"Oh, uhm, t-thank you, I suppose..." Yuri says. I internally facepalm - I made myself sound like such an idiot! Why am I incapable of just _complimenting_ someone?!

"Y-Yeah, you're welcome, I guess," I say, hoping to salvage the situation at least somewhat - but, ultimately, failing.

Yuri returned to her seat, picking up the book she was reading earlier. I was gonna do the same, but I wasn't thinking - you know, it kinda tends to be that way. In a matter of moments, I'd already forgotten about Sayori, so naturally she was able to pretty easily startle me by coming up from behind me and tapping me on the shoulder.

"Hey~" She said, quietly but still very suddenly - enough to startle the shit out of me.

"Auugh!!" I jumped, instinctively raising my arms defensively. Listen, I can't help it if I'm a little jumpy...

"Oh! Sorry 'bout that~!" Sayori said, still smiling and trying to stifle her laughter. She always got a kick out of startling me, but I _hate_ it when people do that. That's why I hate jumpscares and shit like that, they always get me too good.

"Auf, you big dummy!" I say, pouting.

"Aw, c'mon! It's just a joke!" Sayori says, grinning widely.

"It's the 10,000th time you've made the 'joke,' though. You'd think it'd eventually stop being funny..." I say, still maintaining my position. I love ya, Sayori, but c'mon, enough's enough.

"Daww, c'mon! I'm sorry..." Sayori said, reaching over and pinching my cheek.

"Jeez, you're like a grandma, pinching my cheek like that..." I say, smiling playfully now. I can only hope Sayori _actually_ regrets her actions, but I can't stay _too_ mad at her now, since she only just got back.

"Can you blame me? How could I _not_ obsess over someone as _cute_ as you!"

"E-Eh?!" She does this all the time - she calls me cute when she knows I hate it. Still, I king felt oddly flattered by that - no, it doesn't matter! How dare she! "I am _not_ cute! You know that, how dare you!" I say, pointing at her accusingly before pouting and turning my head away.

"Aw, Nats! I'm sorry~" Sayori said, trying to console me by putting her hands on my shoulders. She's always been a pretty touchy person - that much hasn't changed. It bothered me at first, given... y'know, _dad_... but I've gotten used to it over time.

"You mean it?" I ask.

"Promise!" Sayori said, nodding to affirm that she is, in fact, promising. I'll doubt that she remembers that, though - she has _terrible_ memory, always has. It really seems like nothing's changed between her _attempt_ and her coming back... but, good for her, I guess? I just wish she'd stop intentionally pushing my buttons, that still annoys me. But, Sayori's Sayori... some things never change.

"Alright, fine then," I say, relaxing my body from its previous, more tense state.

"C'mon, let's go sit down," I say, moving to a desk near the middle of the classroom. Sayori and, surprisingly, MC, followed shortly behind me.

"So, c'mon..." I say to Sayori as soon as she sits down. "What's been up? It's been _way_ too long."

"Eh... winter break was pretty bad, y'know. Well, except for that I reconnected with MC, that was pretty cool," She said, gesturing back to MC behind her. MC smiled.

"But yeah, besides that, it was pretty bad. I'm glad he was there though, otherwise..." She trailed off, looking at nowhere solemly. I got the gist, though - she would've died. She's... oddly open about the whole thing, having only gotten back from the hospital today.

"But, uhm, yeah, things are better now. Thank MC for that," She said, now turning around to look at MC. The two share an... oddly long look between each other, leading me to maybe suspect some things...

"Uh, are you two, er..." I kinda trail off, but I think they get the point - I can tell because Sayori gets all blushy, and MC turns his head to the side, obscuring his face with his bangs.

"Well, erm, y-you can see why that might be kinda a weird question..." Sayori said, struggling to contain a smile and putting her hand to her cheek. From their reaction alone, it became pretty apparent that they were a "thing," so to speak. I looked to MC, and, well... he seems like a nice kid, but physically... he's not really hot or anything like that - I mean, n-not to be rude, or discredit him or anything like that... I guess he's not as hot as, uh... what's a hot guy? Come to think of it, I can't really think of a guy I think is hot. But maybe I'm being too shallow - obviously personality is _way_ more important, and they seem to get along well - even if Sayori is _leagues_ hotter than him.

"Well, you're doing a _terrible_ job of hiding it..." I say. MC sighed, and Sayori hid her face with her hand.

"C'mon, I tried," Sayori said

"Did you though?" I said, teasing her in line with how she teased me earlier.

"Heyyyyy!" Sayori whined.

"Uph, I guess with us being in the same club and all, it was probably gonna become obvious real soon anyway," MC said, now turning back to face my direction. Like Sayori, he, too, was blushing. I still don't think he's all that hot, but to be fair I can't think of a single boy I've ever found hot, so I won't let that discredit him. Besides, I'd be a shallow bitch to think that they shouldn't be dating because _I_ don't think MC's hot.

"Yeah, _plus_ you two were holding hands when you entered the room. That was my first sign," I said, as if I were some sort of detective who cracked an important case. Really, I put some pretty obvious context clues together, but c'mon, let me have my fun.

"Oh yeah, that..." Sayori said, thinking back to when she came into the club, no doubt.

"I-I guess we just weren't thinking," MC said sheepishly, while rubbing the back of his neck.

"Yeah, that'd be it," Sayori said, pulling at her shirt collar. I now become keenly aware of the fact that I've created something of an awkward situation. I try to think of some sort of thing to pull this conversation from the depths that I've thus far cursed it to.

"U-Uh, I, uh..." Like a bolt of lightning, it comes to me! "I spent Saturday at Yuri's house," I said, having a story to talk about. I look behind me to briefly see Yuri's head peek out from behind her book at the mention of her name, only to disappear back behind it shortly thereafter. Damn, that was... uh, cute? I guess that's the word... I mean, I already established it's normal for a straight girl like myself to find other girls attractive - w-which isn't what I'm saying at all, damn it! Jeez, why do I keep thinking myself into a corner with this stuff?!

"Oooh! Really?" Sayori asked, her eyes lighting up. "And here I thought you guys never got along!"

"Well, yeah, I guess some stuff has changed..." I said. Only now do I realize that I'm gonna have to explain how Yuri and I came to stop hating each other, _without_ bringing up Yuri's... habit.

"Really? Like what? Did you guys bond over a book or something? Is Yuri reading manga now?" Sayori asked, enthusiastically. Jeez, she's already drawing conclusions...

"E-Eh..." I tried to think of some sort of reasonable explanation. A twist on the truth?

Let's review what happened: I stumbled across Yuri cutting at lunch, and that same day during club time, I talked to her in the bathroom, and got her to openly admit that she needs help to me. After that, despite a brief incident with Aoi, we sat at lunch together, and on Saturday I patched up her wounds and spent some time with her. How can I spin this into a more regular story?

"Uh, well... we kinda came across each other at lunch by accident, and, y'know... we just kinda started, er, h-hanging out," I say, omitting a _lot_ of details and straight up lying about how the whole thing began. But obviously I can't just let Yuri's secret slip out like that, so call it... courtesy, I guess.

"Ehhhh? That's kinda a boring story... I like cool stories of how people meet, y'know, fun stuff like that," Sayori said.

"That's because you live in an anime," I said, again getting her back for that earlier teasing.

"Hey! I'll have you know MC and I have an interesting story of how we reconnected, hmph!" Sayori affirmed.

"Really? Then let's hear it," I say, priming myself for a good story - hey, that's what I was promised.

"Alright, so I was having a bad day, so I went out on the town to _hopefully_ make myself feel better. I wasn't the sort of person to just go walk around like that, so I was really unused to it, y'know? But I went to a coffee shot, to go get some hot cocoa, and lo and behold, who else but MC was behind the counter?" She said, grandly gesturing at him with both arms.

MC smiled and sat up. "Yeah, I got a part-time job working at that cafe over winter break, since I had a lot of free time... at the time, I just thought it was fun to meet an old friend from middle school, but I ended up properly reconnecting with her, and, well... the rest is history, I guess."

I mean, yeah, that's true, but I don't know what their history after that is. Usually that expression relies on the assumption that the person being talked to already has an understanding of the context of what happens next... oh, jeez, I'm sounding like Yuri.

"Huh, how 'cool,' I guess. An unintentional meeting at a coffee shop... sounds like a setup for a really good manga," I said. It was also the plot of this one manga that my main girl, Chiharu Morisaka, wrote - a girl working at a coffee shop slowly falls in love with a regular customer. I haven't read it, but that's the plot synopsis I found online.

"Hah! And you said that _I_ live in an anime!" Sayori said, now teasing me again - the scales had tipped towards her once more.

"Euph, doesn't matter... anyway, you two may happen to have a cool story, but Yuri and I don't. We just kinda... started talking, I guess," I lied.

"Well, I suppose life isn't always as interesting as fiction, right?" Sayori said. "Though for us it was, hehe~" She added as a tease.

"Pssh! You two..." I said, pretending to have a grasp over their relationship - which, obviously, I don't. But I've known Sayori a while, so I have a pass for that sort of thing, I guess.

"Hey, uh..." MC interjected. "I'm pretty sure club period's about to end."

Sayori and I looked at the wall clock in tandem, and indeed, club period's about to end.

"Shit, I gotta get home, then," I said, grabbing my stuff. "Seeya, Sayori, MC!" I said, waving to them and rushing out the door. When I get home, I cannot _wait_ to read more of _Sweet Lipstick_.

* * *

I got to my room without incident - a pretty rare occurrence nowadays, but it's all the better for me. I pull out _Sweet Lipstick_ and open to the bookmarked page. I read some of it during Yuri and I's free period earlier today, trying my damned hardest to keep Yuri from seeing the cover. Unfortunately, I wasn't able to get much farther from where I was previously, so I was just a few chapters ahead of the, er... _first time_ scene that had me so riled up Saturday. I didn't read it much Sunday, sadly, but now I have every opportunity.

I pick up where I left off, just after the flashback to Hanako and Koharu's first time. I still think Hanako's _really_ hot... I dunno, I guess I'm a sucker for the "shy girl with a big rack" archetype that I'm sure is _extraordinarily_ commonplace in yuri - that, if you couldn't tell, was sarcastic.

I'm interrupted by the buzz of my phone - speaking of shy girls with big racks, it's Yuri. Is she hot? I guess so, but I'm not gay, so it doesn't matter.

_"Hello."_

It's a simple text, but I already get what's up.

_"U good?"_

_"My apologies for interrupting whatever it is you may be doing, but I am struggling at present..."_

_"Dw, I'm here for u ;)"_

Jeez, that wink may've been a bit suggestive... but I'm sure she gets it, I'm not hitting on her or anything.

_"I, again, can never thank you enough."_

_"Like I said, dw ab it :)"_

_"I got the urge as soon as I got home, but remembering your words, I instead texted you. I'm fighting back tearing off the bandages now."_

_"Hey, those bandages are an important symbol of ur progression! Ur doing better now, right? Don't destroy everything you've built"_

_"It's mostly been you, though, hasn't it? You were the one who bandaged my arms to begin with, after all."_

_"But this isn't about me, it's about u. Ur the one making progress here, got it? I'm just helping"_

_"Still, I wish I could provide for you, what you've provided for me."_

_"Trust me, I'm fine on this end ^w^"_

A blatant lie, but Yuri's none the wiser.

_"Yes, of course. I apologize for presuming anything negative."_

_"U and ur apologizing, teehee ~"_

That sounds like a pretty affectionate text, huh? Well, it's kinda intentional - I assume one of the things that someone struggling with self-harm needs is love, so I'll send what I can before I start sounding gay - which, of course, I am not.

_"Ah, I do that quite often, others have noticed. I've never been consciously aware of how much I apologize, my apologies."_

_"Oh, the irony ;)"_

_"Ah! I didn't even notice then; I suppose it's merely a part of my nature."_

_"Well ur already changing for the better by messaging me, so you're definitely making progress"_

_"I thank you. I suppose I've bothered you for long enough, and my urges have subsided. I bid you a farewell."_

_"Seeya :)"_

I sigh and put my phone in rest mode. I'm glad she's texting me rather than cutting, but still, the timing... I open up _Sweet Lipstick_ and get to reading. Hanako and Koharu are apart at the moment, which is _super_ unfortunate... I really hope things get better for them at the end - I mean, they have to, right? I'd be _pissed_ beyond belief if Morisaka made this have a sad ending - like, seriously. My fury would know no bounds, and my tears would know no end.

I mean, look, right now, Koharu's thinking about everything she liked about Hanako - and yes, she does mention her _assets_. I guess that line's just kinda thrown in there to make the scene a little more light-hearted, but... is she wrong? Call me a bit of a perv, I guess.

Ah, another sex scene memory. And this time we get Koharu's narration over her recollection of what happened. And again, Morisaka spared no details in this scene, not in the art or the dialogue... I guess this is what people generally associated yuri with. But... g-good god, I, uh... i-it's just art, so I'm allowed to say it's hot, right? Or is that gay... I-I dunno, but I like it. I can feel myself getting a little _hot and bothered_ , and I, uh... I-I don't really get it, y'know? But hey, that's the intended effect, right? All that means is that Morisaka just did a _really_ good job writing this scene...

I'm holding the book with one, hand, and slowly I let the other, w-well... y-you get it, there's no need to describe it... j-jeez... u-uh... I should probably stop reading, right? Y-Y'know, since, uh... e-everything is the way it is, and all... er, that doesn't really mean anything. Whatever, I don't care... uh, this is a good scene. A-And a good feeling, a-augh!

I try to ignore the fact that I'm, well, uh... doing _that_ with my other hand. T-This is what this sort of scene is designed for, right? I'm just, uh... experiencing the intended reaction. S-So everything's normal! Y-Yeah, I'm fine... I'm not, y-y'know... uh...

I climb up onto my bed, maybe changing the pace a bit to let myself calm down. Jeez, Natsuki, this is pretty shameful... straight girls don't get off on this kinda thing, eh? So, uh... w-well, I, uhm... forget it, who cares?!

I close _Sweet Lipstick_ for a sec, but I decide that denying myself the right to read what I wanna read doesn't really accomplish anything. Besides, since I'm in a different position now, I'll be less tempted to, uh... do the thing.

Yeah, so that was a fucking lie.

I lay on my bed, shirt pulled up and pants pulled down, panting... I-I just, uh... I-I guess they said _finishing_ in the manga... j-jeez, this is pretty shameful... _Sweet Lipstick_ is open, but face-down not far from me on my bed. This is pretty weird, straight girls don't normally do this kinda thing... actually, come to think of it, Koharu says something similar in the manga, right? Before Hanako makes her realize that she's a lesbian...

B-But I'm not a lesbian! J-Just because of this _one_ incident, doesn't mean I'm a lesbian! Jeez, I don't have to justify myself to anyone! This will just be a one-off thing... all it means is that Morisaka is a really good artist and author, will really good character designed, and fucking _fine_ sex scenes - er, scratch that last bit. Listen, I don't care what anyone thinks or says, I'm not gay, damn it! I remember what a character from a manga I like said - _This is a test_. That's exactly how this is - it's a test! But I'm gonna pass, trust me. I'm not falling for this trap. I'm gonna do me, and no one can tell me otherwise! Besides, like dad said, _I'm not a lesbian_ \- though, he did use a much less kind word there.

I re-clothe myself and get up, going to my computer to go to Morisaka's website. I'm not sure why, but maybe the descriptions will give me real satisfaction, because everything's kinda confusing and unconvincing right now. After all, most people would say that, uh... doing _that_ to yuri is pretty indicative of being a lesbian... but I'm sure there's proof that I'm right on her website.

Here, and interview with Morisaka herself on her audience. K is for the interviewer, Kotaro Jingu, and M is for Chiharu Morisaka.

_"K: So you're very famous for your yuri manga, yes?"_

_"M: Yeah, it's my claim to fame. I'm very proud of my work."_

_"K: Now, what I wonder is who your intended audience is? Obviously your actual audience is a very diverse group, but I'm wondering who you wrote the stories for."_

_"M: I don't usually like to answer this question, because it makes it sound like I don't want specific sorts of people reading my manga, when really I think anyone should be able to read and enjoy any stories they like."_

Haha! See? Anyone can read and enjoy her stories, even a 100% straight girl like me!

_"K: So you write the stories with everyone in mind, then?"_

_"M: Well, I suppose you could say I am only human. I've already said that I write my yuri stories because of the girl I liked in high school, so I often keep that sort of giddy, lesbian school-girl thought process in my mind. So when I'm writing them, even though I'm into my 20s now, I tend to be thinking of the sort of young high-school girls who'll be reading them. Some of them, I imagine, don't even know that they're lesbians yet... I wonder how many people have realized that about themselves because of my stories? Haha."_

My heart sank. She contradicted everything she just said... and those last few lines hit me kinda... weird, I guess, would be the best word. I shut my laptop and spun around in my chair, immersing myself in the thought of Morisaka's words. I already consider her the word of god, so I guess I gotta consider what exactly she said means for me.

I know - well, think I guess - that I'm not a lesbian. But when she writes them, she keeps in mind school-age girls, like myself. But she _specifically_ keeps in mind those that are lesbians, or that don't realize they're lesbians. I don't fall into either category, right? I mean, yeah, I _did_ get turned on by a sex scene between two girls, but...

Oh shit.


	17. Tired

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Where I fuck up - like, ROYALLY fuck up.

"Long night?" Aoi asked me, smiling. I was sitting in the desk next to her, as was typical for second period. What was _less_ typical was me resting my head on my desk.

"Ech..." I emoted, acknowledging that Aoi had said something, but not really responding. Yeah, I had a long night... just thinking, really. Curse you, Aoi, this is your fault. If you hadn't given me _Sweet Lipstick_ to begin with, I wouldn't be here questioning a fundamental fact about myself. I'm not sure how this usually goes, but it's probably not usually someone reading gay erotica, getting aroused, and saying "welp, I'm gay." I don't even know, man, but frankly I'm pretty damn tired of thinking about it.

I sit up and sigh a long, exasperated sigh. I hate this... do people usually romanticize this whole "figuring it out" thing? If so, then that's dead fucking wrong... this sucks. This _sucks_. Everything sucks. I want this to stop, and if there's one person who makes a good distraction, it's Aoi.

"Stayed up all last night... read _wayyy_ too much manga..." I said, not _necessarily_ lying. Yeah, I read too much manga, but mostly it was my own thoughts which had me tossing and turning in bed.

"Hm! That's behavior characteristic of an addict, isn't it?" Aoi teased. Why does everyone around me always tease me? I mean, except Yuri, but she's a bit of a special case.

"Call me a manga addict all you like, see if _I_ care..." I said, not bothering to put up with Aoi's shit anymore. Sometimes, I'm just not feeling it, and now is one of those times.

"Aw, but then it's no fun!" Aoi again teased.

"Aw, gee, that's too bad," I said, holding my ground.

Aoi sighed. "You're not usually like this... it must be a product of sleep deprivation, yes, yes."

Yeah, that and frustration... frustration at myself, at the world, at... well, I guess dad. His words still burn deep into my mind...

_You're not a dyke. You're **not** a dyke._

I mean, he said that, yeah, but... I-I dunno, I guess if it turns out I _am_ gay - and I _mean_ if - then I guess I could just... hide it from him? B-But... what would he do if he found out? Would he try to set me straight? Would he... I-I mean, he'd definitely hit me, but... h-how far would he go?

"But I'm not mad or anything, y'know? I don't wanna sound like the sort of person who'd get unduly upset if you didn't get enough sleep, yes, yes," Aoi said, pulling me out of my trance of thoughts.

"Uph... yeah, I get it..." I said, resting my head in my hand. Yeah, Aoi and I are cool now - I mean, we always have been, so I don't see why we wouldn't be now - but that doesn't erase the absolute exhaustion I'm experiencing.

"Excellent, yes, yes," Aoi said, giving me a characteristic thumbs up and wide grin.

"Hachisaka! Futagawa!" The teacher, Ms. Todoroki, called Aoi and I's respective surnames. It occurred to me only now that I'd never used Aoi's surname, Hachisaka, before, and frankly I'm not exactly certain how I know it. "Is your conversation more important than this algebra class?"

Ugh. I hate it when teachers do this sort of thing - you have _no_ fucking clue how much I hate it when A) Adults yell at me, and B) I'm the focus - er, one of the focuses in this cases - of attention. So the fact that this represents both is pretty fucking shitty, _especially_ with how tired I am.

"No, my apologies, Ms. Todoroki," Aoi said, all joy in her expression vanishing in an instant.

"That's what I thought. Now please, this is important."

Fuck you, Ms. Todoroki. Obviously I can't say that out loud, but god is it how I feel. Honestly one of my most bitchy and annoying teachers, who thinks she controls her students' entire lives. Fuck her.

Aoi looked over to me worriedly. "Uh, Natsuki..." She whispered, "You probably shouldn't say that out loud."

"Eh? Say what?" I asked.

"The, uh... the thing, you know..."

"I don't," I said.

"Uhm... _eff you_ , Ms. Todoroki... that, don't say that out loud, at least not here."

Eh? I said that out loud? Jeez, I wasn't paying attention and accidentally slipped... at least it was probably pretty quiet, and no one but Aoi heard it.

"My bad, didn't realize I said it out loud," I said, quietly. Aoi and I shut up and payed attention - well, _pretended_ to pay attention - to Ms. Todoroki's lecture. I hate Algebra, but I also pretty much hate just about everything school-related, so I guess Algebra's no exception.

Well, that's not true. Art with Ms. Gushiken and Home Ec with Mr. Zaizen were cool. Plus, the literature club... but those are exceptions. Exceptions don't redefine the rule. Wait... hadn't Aoi said that yesterday? About people who read yuri... well, shit, might as well stack that whole argument onto the already overbearing thought process I've found myself in.

But whatever. I tune Todokori out until second period ends. Third's meh. Fourth's meh, but Aoi's there. Don't care about any of those periods. That's my review, thank you folks for coming, there'll be CDs on sale by the door.

But fifth matters - it's my free period! And Yuri's, of course. At least I have some time read _Sweet Lipstick_. Even through this crisis, I'm still bound to it. Thank Morisaka's wonderful characters, writing, and art for that.

"Hey, Yuri," I said, approaching her in the nook of the library where we usually sit.

"Hey..." Yuri said, looking up at me from her book. "You look... tired."

"Call it an understatement... I'm _exhausted_..." I said, flopping onto one of the beanbag chairs nearby. "Honestly, I could probably fall asleep like this..."

"Don't let me stop you... rest is important, for youths especially," Yuri said.

"Thanks, but... I'll at least _try_ to stay awake for now..." I said, sitting upright and pulling out _Sweet Lipstick_ \- without, of course, revealing the cover to Yuri. God forbid she sees me reading this, I'd die of embarrassment. And after that argument I had with Aoi yesterday, too? God, I'd look like such an idiot...

"Suit yourself, I suppose," Yuri said, smiling lightly. God, she's... uh, is it okay for me to say adorable? I dunno, but I guess I will. Still, it sounds kinda weird... she also cuts, which _obviously_ has no bearing on her personality (that's not sarcasm this time), but still, I feel like "adorable" kinda demeans her. It sounds... beneath her. What word describes her perfectly...?

Focusing on that just makes me more tired and confused, so I instead try to focus on _Sweet Lipstick_ , but... even that's too hard. I'm much too tired right now to actually gleam any sort of information from it, so I put it away- again careful to hide the cover. Rather than read, I instead opt to lie and nap, hopefully make up for some lost rest.

Yeah, that didn't work.

The whole reason I couldn't sleep last night was because I was lost in thought. This situation isn't exactly doing my any favors in that department. I'm lost in thought, playing around with the words "gay" and "lesbian" and "bisexual." I can't really remember a time when a boy attracted me... well, there was one boy in a manga I liked a lot, but he looked like a girl, so... yeah, don't think that one counts. On the other hand, I've never found a problem with calling girls attractive or even _hot_. Plus, what did Aoi say that one time? My gaze always subconsciously falls on girls' thighs, chest, etc.? All the evidence seems to point to one answer, but still... it doesn't exactly feel comfortable. I guess I'll let it marinate, give it some time.

There, is that a satisfying enough conclusion to give me five fucking seconds of rest? Apparently not, because I'd spent enough time thinking to myself that fifth period had already ended without my noticing.

"Natsuki, come..." Yuri said, bending down over me. I looked back up to her, and... I don't think I've ever noticed how... p-pretty she is... I mean, all her facial features are so soft, it's like she was an angel... good god, that's a bit much, Natsuki! Calm yourself!

"Y-Yeah, fine..." I said, only now realizing that I'd just been staring at her in wonderment for a few seconds. Everything around me felt lighter when I looked up at her like that, though... I... dunno...

I stood up, grabbing my bag and looking at Yuri from behind as I followed her. Usually I take the lead, but I was second to get up this time, so I guess she's "line leader" now. Her figure, well... uh... her thighs, let's begin, are, uh... w-well, they're good, y'know? I'm not good with this sort of description thing... but I think back to Morisaka's wording in _Sweet Lipstick_. What sort of words had she used?

_"Her thighs were soft and smooth, the perfect device on which my hands could slide up to her nether region... her breasts were immaculate, so wonderful they helped me understand who I am. Her figure was..."_

Hmm, what's Yuri's figure like? She's not chubby, no, but I guess she has a _tiny_ bit of extra fat... I couldn't see her butt thanks to her skirt, but I imagine it must be...

Jesus, Natsuki!! Get a damn hold of yourself! This isn't your place, got it? Yuri isn't some manga character, she's a real person with real feelings! How would she feel if she knew what I was thinking? She'd be utterly _horrified!_ So you can knock it off right here, right now, got it, me?

Aoi greeted us at lunch as usual. This was the pretty standard formula I'd become used to, but of course things are being shaken up, what with my current disposition and all... and again, I'm sounding like Yuri. What has she done to me?

We sat at the same table for lunch, but I wasn't feeling particularly conversational today, given just how damn _tired_ I was... Yuri and Aoi seemed to briefly exchange some snippets of conversation, which is good for them, I guess...

I again look over at Yuri - sorry, can't help it. Morisaka had wrote, _"Her breasts were immaculate,"_ and if that wasn't the right word here, I dunno what was. Call me traditional, but I guess I just like "biggons," so to speak... hehe... hoof, there I go again! Jeez, is there no containing my unfiltered thought process?

Yuri looked over to me. "Uhm, Natsuki, forgive me, but... did you say something?"

Oh, shit did I? I hope to _god_ I didn't just accidentally comment about Yuri's breasts.

"C... C-Comment on my _what?!_ "

Oh shit. This is bad. Gotta stop talking, I didn't even realize I was talking - I'm not now, right? Alright, good, I'm not.

Aoi burst out into hysterical laughter, and Yuri's face went bright red as she covered her chest with her arms.

"BWUAAAAHAHAHAHA! AHAHA! HAHAHAHAHAAA!" Aoi laughed, uncontrollably. Yuri avoided my line of sight. Jesus Christ, I gotta get outta this one somehow, this is really shit...

"I-I... w-what?! W-W... e-er, I..." Fuck! I can't come up with anything! Think, Natsuki, think! You can work through this sort of thing! This is a test - I was always fated to come out on top! I am an Emperor who has always risen above strife - er, that might be a bit dramatic, sounds like something a mafia boss would say... no time for that, only a solution!

"E-Er... N-Not your boobs, you perv! I-I-I was talking about when I went to your house that one time! D-D-Do you remember?! W-We had chicken breasts! I-I was talking about that!" Alright, that may be a pretty shitty excuse, but it's too late to back out now.

"Uhm... w-we had Horumonyaki... n-not chicken breast..." Yuri said - and she's absolutely right. She's fallen into my genius trap!

"Oh, d-did we...? Oh, yeaahh... I was misremembering, I got mixed up with this one time I went to a restaurant and had really bad chicken breast... my bad, my bad," I said, maybe a little too fast.

"O-Oh, uhm..." That didn't seem to fully convince Yuri, nor Aoi, who was still laughing her ass off. For the love of god, please buy it...

"I... I-I'm willing to believe you... I can't fathom any reason you'd be commenting on my, erm, c-chest..." Yuri said. I sighed a sigh of relief, and Aoi finally calmed down from her laughing fit.

"What hogwash! Utter hogwash!" Aoi shouted, still clearly not calmed down from her hysterical amusement. "Natsuki, huha! You raging lesbian!"

"H-Hey! S-Shut up! No need to make stupid accusations like that! H-How dare you?!" I shot back, teetering on the edge of being genuinely pissed at Aoi.

Aoi calmed her self down by taking a few breaths, but she was still obviously giddy. Knowing her, she's never gonna let me forget this one, eh?

"Listen, Natsuki, it's perfectly fine to be open about your sexuality with us, yes, yes~" Aoi teased, grinning widely and circling her finger around an imaginary point on the table.

"S-S-Shut up!" I shouted this time. I'm about to teeter on over that edge.

"Come on, Natsuki, I'm merely playiiingg~" Aoi continued to tease.

"A-Augh! You... I-I've had it!" I shout, running off over to where I saw Yuri on that fateful day last week. Sometimes, Aoi can just be too damn much...

But, now that I'm alone, I have the chance to fucking die of embarrassment. I fall on the ground and am forced to relive the moment in my head over and over again - for the love of fucking god, there is perhaps no worse set of events that could've occurred. Might as well've stripped in front of them while I was at it. I fucking mentioned, _aloud_ , Yuri's breasts. I am fucking done for, there is no future for me, there is no hope. All is lost.

"N-Natsuki..." I heard Yuri's voice approach me, but I couldn't stand to look at her. My life, as I know it, is over.

"Aaaaaugh..." I groaned, rolling onto my stomach on the ground.

"N-Natsuki, your remark didn't offend me..." She said.

"Your Horumonyaki was delicious, it was the chicken breast that was problem..." I croaked.

"Natsuki..." Yuri laughed lightly. "I... I'm not stupid, you know?"

Yeah, I know that, probably better than anyone if I'm gonna be honest.

"I, u-uhm... I-I'm used to comments about my, e-erm, chest... i-it bothered me at first, b-but I've become used to it through sheer frequency..."

Yeah, cool. Doesn't change anything though; everything would be better if it just never happened.

"I-I, uhm... I-I suppose it's a shock, I-I didn't think you, e-erm..."

Was gay? Pretty sure I'm still in the denial phase of that.

"I'm not gaaaay..." I groaned from the ground.

"Y-Yes, of course not..." Yuri sighed. "B-But still, I-I... uhm... i-it would be a lie for me to say it didn't bother me at all, s-since, uhm... i-it was an unsolicited remark, b-but... after what you've done for me, I cannot remain upset with you, for any extended period of time..."

Getting mad at people wasn't really in Yuri's blood, she definitely didn't seem the sort to get angry at anyone, ever. Rather, it was... disappointment. _That's_ what I hated - disappointment. She was clearly disappointed I'd mentioned her breasts at all, which is understandable, because no one in their right mind would ever do such a thing.

"I-I, uhm... p-please, don't concern yourself over this too much..." Yuri said.

I rolled over onto my back, looking up at Yuri, again noting how beautiful she looks from this angle. "How can I not? This is probably the worst thing to have ever happened to me, ever."

Yuri sighed and smiled. "That seems... a bit hyperbolic, to say the least. But please, I... I could never be mad at someone like you..."

"Aaaaugh... fffffine... but I'm just gonna stay over here for a while, you go keep Aoi company..."

"Very well, Natsuki..." Yuri said, going off over to the courtyard again. This has been a harrowing experience, and I've gotten a few takeaways from this whole chain of events: 1, I better rest my ass well at night from here on out. 2, I'm probably gay. And 3, Yuri is fucking _hot_ , too damn hot for my own good.


	18. What I have to do

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wherein I make my final decision.

Huuph...

Lunch was certainly... interesting.

I lied to Natsuki - I _detest_ it when people compliment my breasts. Usually, the compliments come from sleazy boys, who I inherently have no interest in. Once, it was a teacher named Ms. Chigusa, who overstepped her boundaries like that every so often. My mother did once, if as a joke, but I shut her down about it. But with Natsuki... it felt, uhm... I don't know why, but it felt... oddly _flattering_ , coming from her.

But still, it was... mortifying, for the both of us. The sheer terror that dawned on her face as soon as she realized she has spoken aloud was... well, I felt much the same way.  It came as a shock, but now that I'm over the initial surprise factor, I can think logically, and conclude that Natsuki's comment, while a bit in poor taste, was ultimately flattering. I remember the shock waves of emotions that fired into my brain as soon as I'd registered what she'd said... what was terrifying and horrifically awkward at the time, is now endearing and horrifically awkward.

These thoughts flow through my mind because eighth period is coming to a close, and so naturally, next comes the literature club - the third period of the day wherein Natsuki and I traditionally interact. Natsuki's no doubt going to be a wreck, but how, well... uhm, adorable, if I may, will she be? Teehee~

I shush these pleasant thoughts from my mind, however, as I try to focus myself on the issues still at hand - Natsuki's given issues at home. I know her father habitually beats her. And yet, while I've made some hypothetical plans, I've done nothing as of yet. So far as Natsuki herself is concerned, I'm useless. There'll be plenty of time for pleasantries and fun interactions like that once something is done to remedy her home situation, so I ought to act quickly... though, I suppose that reasoning is a bit selfish. I know full well that every passing second is another second that Natsuki suffers at home, a second that he gets to strike her more, a second that I waste by sitting and wallowing in self-pity. My goal should be to intervene as soon as possible... after all, so far as I'm concerned, I'm the only person who knows. I know what I have to do, and I know I'm willing to go through with it now. I won't follow Natsuki home, but... when I was at my worst, I found out Natsuki's address and wrote it down. I never went there, but... I still have it. Going to her home from mine, rather than following her home from school, left a better taste in my mouth

But still... concern fills me. Part of me questions exactly what will become of her, if her father is arrested. The orphanages and foster system in this country are already overcrowded as is... what exactly will become of Natsuki when the dust settles? I fear the worst - trapped in an overcrowded orphanage, never being adopted, living there until she turns 18 and being thrust into a cruel world, having never known a positive parental figure. The scenario lingers in my mind, but... I don't want her to be killed by her father. I would sacrifice even my own life to prevent that.

My perhaps dramatic train of thought is interrupted by the ringing of the school bell. I suppose the time for the literature club has come... thinking of seeing Natsuki there filled my mind again with thoughts of how flustered and upset and absolutely adorable she was going to be...

Wait, wait. I have to pull myself out of that train of thought. I take a second to slow my breathing, having only just registered that it had sped up in those few seconds.

I... I can't go on thinking like that. T-That... I-I... I don't want to devolve into who I was. I obsessed over Natsuki, I remember it all too well... constantly, I referred to her as cute, adorable, a goddess even... I don't want to use that language, I don't want to fall into that trap... p-please, just let me have this one thing, let me have the solace that I'm not a stalker anymore... I am not a stalker...

F-Fuck, I'm panicking, my breathing is staggering... g-good god, p-please, c-calm down, Yuri... y-you're not a stalker... you're _not_ a stalker...

I swallowed and sighed. I'm not a stalker... I know that. I can't gush over Natsuki like that, lest I fall from grace and return to abyssal depths where I once resided. All this emotion, and so little time has passed. I march on to the literature club room, devoid of any sort of emotional leanings.

The traditional order of arrival - Monika first, myself second - seems to have been restored. Sayori and MC come in third, and lastly Natsuki - who, as predicted, glances at me one, and avoids my gaze, rushing over to one side of the room. I sighed and smiled to myself - am I allowed to find her acts endearing?

I strode over to her position, sitting at the desk next to her and pulling out _The Overcoat_. She acknowledged my presence through a slight nod, but she was obviously sweating profusely in my presence. I need to let her know that all is well, that I'm genuinely not offended by her remarks, but... unlike earlier, I can't seem to find the courage... perhaps then, I was experiencing the adrenaline rush that came with such an obscene, but ultimately flattering, comment coming from Natsuki. Having calmed down and gathered my thoughts allowed me to determine that the remark was flattering to me, but it was a double-edged sword that prevented me from telling Natsuki about what I'd decided upon.

Still, I look at her and smile, hoping for her to get the gist. But it seems the situation is much too hopelessly awkward for her. I sigh...

"N-Natsuki..." I say, trying to find the nerve to say something, anything.  "It's... fine."

Natsuki looked at me. "I-It's not..."

"It's fine. It's... fine," I said, with a certain declarative finality. Yes, it was fine. And that was so. Natsuki seems to somehow have gleamed some sort of understanding from that, and he tries to relax her posture.

"I, uh... i-if you say so, I guess..." She said.

"It is," I assured. Natsuki released a sigh of relief.

"I mean, uh... okay. But I'm still sorry, y-y'know..."

"I understand, naturally..." I said. Our conversation was minimalist in nature, but... it felt very genuine to me, as if this was the natural way for us to discuss this.

"Uhm, okay..." Natsuki said. It felt... unusual, taking the sort of protective, reassuring role that I'd normally entrusted Natsuki to take with me. But... this is healthy, I suppose? We can each support one another when need be... is this a genuine, healthy friendship?

Well, I suppose I'm about to prove what I'm willing to go through with tonight, aren't I?

Augph... the thought of that always brought chills to my spine, and ruined whatever sort of pleasant mood I was in... I'm going to make a huge move, that I know had enormous risks and ever bigger consequences. But... I feel it's a necessary move, a sort of paradigm shift that needs to be initiated. I don't even know exactly what I'm going to do, but I... I need to do something. Just admitting what I already know isn't going to solve anything... but still, the thoughts racing through my mind distract me.  


It seems whatever sort of conversation Natsuki and I were having has expired. Natsuki reads something, I can't see the cover, and I'd love to do much the same, but... I can't right now, not given the state of my mind today. I hope I'll clear it by tonight, however...

I can barely focus on what's occurring in the club right now. I don't think anything is, really... just as Natsuki mentioned, I feel tired... drained, even. Far too much thinking... I lie my head on the desk, allowing myself the rare opportunity to doze off. I don't often allow myself the luxury in class, but I make an exception for now...  


Some time later, I open my eyes to see... Natsuki. She, too, fell asleep, and her face is now directly across from mine. Her cheeks were lightly flustered, and they looked so... soft, for a lack of a better adjective. She breathed softly, like a kitten, and... I... I fail to find the words to describe her. Rarely do words escape me, but... I... Natsuki makes an exception to that rule, I suppose. I cannot help but let myself a smile to the sight, and for a second, I felt all my exhaustion dissipate. I felt at ease, I felt at one with my environment. I felt...

_ Wanted. _

It doesn't make any sense, no... it doesn't. Natsuki's asleep, so logically I shouldn't be drawing any conclusions about how she feels right now. I circle my finger around on the bit of the desk in front of my face... I still haven't gotten up yet, I'm simply allowing myself to rest here. The bliss of seconds ago has vanished, replaced with my own logical thought. It's for the best, anyway - I shouldn't be feeling such a way anyway, at least in Natsuki's presence. After all, given what I've done...

I sit up, and look around. Nothing's changed... MC and Sayori sit together in a corner, and Monika sits at what would be the teacher's desk. This club... is certainly very uneventful. I must thank Monika for introducing the poetry exchange, for if she had not, nothing of note would ever occur here. Furthermore, it gives me an avenue to express my poetic interests, a motivation to continue writing.

I pulled out my poem and looked it over once more. I was particularly proud of this one...

_ "The Riverbed" _

_ "Limply do I sway at the river's bed, _

_ The currents determining my future. _

_ With such a gentle suggestion, _

_ My body surrenders to the demands of the current, _

_ The water flowing freely over me. _

_ It's a suffocating thing, _

_ I may yet be drowning, _

_ But I'm yet to notice if it is so. _

_ The current, so strong yet so gentle, _

_ Suggesting me along, _

_ While unaware of its own direction, _

_ Is too keenly aware of mine." _

I love it... it took me a good while to find any sort of pride in my poetry. It's genuinely one of the few things I can about myself that I take genuine pride in, but... I'm happy I have it. It provides such an... artistic medium, for me to express my thoughts and emotions through.  


This one in particular refers to Natsuki - like the flowing waters of the river, she guides my path forward, out of a depressed state, out of my _bad habit_ , and yet she is so unaware of her own destiny. She outright refuses any sort of comfort or assistance that comes in her direction... just as a flowing river simply flows past the hand that dips into it. What would that make the police, if I called them? A dam, redirecting the path of the river by force? What an unhealthy metaphor... a river is such a beautiful thing. Perhaps my poem had unpleasant implications about myself, but... I suppose that's not unreasonable, given the actual role in the situation I'm about to take.

"Alright, everyone!" Monika called out to the room. "I believe now is the perfect time to begin discussing our poems for today!"

I looked to Natsuki, but she still slumbered. I looked over to MC and Sayori, but they were already exchanging poems for one another. I looked back to Natsuki, unsure of what to do. Monika came up to me, giggling.

"Don't worry, let her rest a bit longer. Here, let me show you my poem," Monika said, handing her poem to me, and mine to hers. Hers, again, displays a level of minimalism.

_ "The Minds" _

_ "Lighght" _

A poem, titled _The Minds_ , containing a single word: Lighght. Pointedly simplistic.

"Ah, continuing with the theme of minimalism..." I said.

"Yeah, I guess I can't resist... while I came up with the title, this poem was originally created by Aram Saroyan, a man noted for his simplistic and minimalist poetry. This one, I believe shows the birth and development of a language, one that hasn't fully formed yet... while simplistic, it is beautiful in a way."

The way Monika describes it, she... has a point. There is something beautiful in its simplicity... but it wasn't Monika who created the poem, so the purpose of the entire poetry exchange was utterly mooted by Monika's decision. I don't say as much, however - offending Monika is not necessarily my prerogative.

"You have a point about that..." I said, simply conveying my thoughts on the work of Saroyan - _not_ on that of Monika, which was effectively zero.

"Your poem is certainly more traditional," Monika commented. It was a neutral comment, but... it felt sort of... _mean-spirited_. It carried with it the implication that I wasn't creative enough to experiment, to travel outside the zone of normalcy in poetry - at least, that's what I gleaned from Monika's delivery of the line.

"Y-Yes, I-I... tend to write in a more traditional format..." I said, playing with my hair. I never noticed how truly nervous Monika made me feel... everything about her was... _i-intimidating_...

"I like it. Rivers - nature as a whole, really - always make for beautifully-crafted metaphors," Monika said, smiling and handing my poem back to me. I returned the favor.

"I thank you," I said, looking back to Natsuki again - still asleep. Monika giggled.

"Don't worry, I'll wake her. Go talk to Sayori or MC."

I nodded, obeying Monika's orders and walking over to those two. They seem to've just finished up, so MC hands me his poem first.

_ "Bless Her" _

_ "Let her go, _

_ Let her go, _

_ God bless her. _

_ I know where she is- _

_ Every day I wake up, _

_ And there she lay. _

_ But I'm sick of St. James Infirmary; _

_ I'm sick of the deathly air. _

_ I wish I could say I'd never go again, _

_ So I could keep my baby from there." _

It, again, has obvious musical inspiration - once more, a Louis Armstrong song, this time _St. James Infirmary._ While more of an inspired poem than a direct lyric swap, it still takes few creatives liberties. It could probably be sung to the lyrics of the original song... but, if MC is passionate about jazz and the blues - which I can only assume he is, given what I've seen of his poetry - then I can understand it being a device he would use. Furthermore, taking recent events into account... the subject of the poem becomes apparent. It's Sayori.  


"Uhm, certainly interesting work..." I say. "It's, uhm..."

"Please, uh, d-don't force yourself to say it's any good... I know I'm basically just stealing Louis Armstrong's work," MC said.

"I... wouldn't put it so harshly," I said. "Music is a good place to begin for an amateur poet. Feel no shame..."

"W-Well... thanks, I guess... uh, yours is really good. I know I said that yesterday, too, but, uh, it's really good..."

"Oooh!" Sayori chimed in. "I'm excited to see~!"

"Oh, uh, here, yeah," MC said, handing my poem to Sayori. I returned MC's poem to him.

"Oooh! Yuri! This is really gooood~!!" Sayori cheered. It always felt good to have someone like Sayori around... I'm glad she's back now.

"Uhm, thank you..." I said. I didn't want to comment on the fact she had yet to show me _her_ poem, since... well, I don't want to make her feel stupid.

Once satisfied, Sayori handed my poem back to me with an enthusiastic vigor. "O-Oh, uhm, I forgot..." Sayori said, grabbing her own poem and also handing it to me.

_ "Dog Days" _

_ "I love dogs! _

_ I love days, _

_ Sunny, shiny days, _

_ But do you know what dog days are? _

_ 'A period of inactivity or sluggishness.' _

_ That's what the dictionary says. _

_ That just doesn't sound fun, does it? _

_ It sounds ew, _

_ It sounds meh, _

_ It sounds flat-out gross. _

_ But I like dogs. :)" _

The poem seemed more of a ramble, made all the more evident by the smiley-face Sayori doodled on the paper at the end. But... perhaps there is some sort of meaning to be gleamed from it? The ability to find joy in something no one else loves... perhaps that's quite beautiful.  


"I... I like it," I say, smiling at Sayori. "It conveys a sort of... bliss, a sort of joy to be found in that which is traditionally scorned. I enjoy this poem," I say, handing it back to Sayori.

"Aww, thanks, Yuri~!" Sayori said, giving me a peace sign. I smiled at her and bowed, turning around and heading back to my previous seat. I found Natsuki was now awake, and she looked more than a little embarrassed - indeed, it was likely painful to have been woken up by Monika to exchange poems.

"Hello, Natsuki," I said, sitting next to her and smiling.

"H-Hey..." She responded, holding her poem towards me in her outstretched arm. I took it from her, and in her now empty palm I placed my poem. I gave hers a look over.

_ "What do I get?" _

_ "I don't get anything. _

_ I don't receive anything, _

_ I don't understand anything, _

_ I don't take anything, _

_ I don't gain anything, _

_ I don't get anything. _

_ I don't get anything _

_ From what I'm doing. _

_ I don't get anything _

_ From what I'm thinking. _

_ I don't get it. _

_ I don't understand anything." _

A simple, but... perhaps a bit cynical poem. It seems to represent sort of nihilistic world view, the sort of poem I'd expect to see from Natsuki if she'd been reading a lot of Dostoevsky - which I can assume she has not. That girl has been impacted too greatly by the life she lives at home, but... in some way, that's going to change soon. I certainly _hope_ it does, at the least.  


"I... like your poem," I say. "I-It may not necessarily be... _my style_ , so to speak, but... it's undeniably artistic. The sort of repetition is very artistic... it feels, uhm... s-slightly nihilistic, if I may add."

"Eh... that's sometimes the way things are, I guess," Natsuki said, still reading over my poem. "Uh, yours is... it's a good poem. You're, er..." She seemed to struggle to allow herself to continue, before she finally finished. "Y-You're... good at poetry."

I smiled at her, but more widely and genuinely than before. Something about her saying that, i-it... it lit a fire in my heart, it sparked a sort of blissful joy that I hadn't become accustomed to.

"R... u-uhm, really?" I asked, my eyes widening, my cheeks burning hot.

"U-Uh, y-yeah, I-I guess... y-you know..." Natsuki confirmed.

"I-I, uhm... thank you..." I said. From the bottom of my heart, I genuinely thanked her. She... I-I...

"You're welcome, u-uh, I guess..." Natsuki trailed off, handing my poem back to me, as I returned the favor.

"I gotta, uh, go trade with Sayori and MC now," Natsuki said, going off to Sayori and MC's corner to trade poems with them. I sat down at my desk, reminiscing over what had transpired mere moments ago. What was it about Natsuki's comments that felt so... wonderful? Natsuki had only said I was good at poetry... Sayori and MC had said much the same thing, and yet I felt no such rush of emotions when _they_ said it. What... is the meaning of this surge of emotions?

I sighed and rested my head on the desk once more, but not with the intent to fall asleep - instead, my intent was to think positive thoughts, to dwell on something that made me happy as opposed to made me anxious. Natsuki's words... oh, she... ah... something felt very peaceful inside me when I thought of her complimenting me.

But Yuri... Yuri, Yuri Yuri Yuri... you know what this is. You experienced this before - cruel, cold, ingenuine obsession. The feeling that motivated you to stalk Natsuki all that time ago.

I clutched my heart, immediately panicking and panting. I don't want to be that anymore. I thought I wasn't. I thought I was well and over being a stalker... a-and I am, aren't I? I-I'm well over it... it's over, it's over... I would never stalk Natsuki. I would never hurt her. I would never do such horrible things to her, not things that a stalker would do...

B-But still... I'm scared - petrified. What if I can't control it...? What if I fall back into who I was? I... p-please, don't let that happen to me... I... I don't want that... I don't want to be a stalker, I want... I-I want...

I don't know what I want, but I know what I _don't_ want. I don't want to be a stalker... the thought terrifies me more than anything else. Even if Natsuki scorned me to the point of ostrisizing me from the club as a whole, I'd be more satisfied and content than if I fell into the the mental... _place_ , of being a stalker again. I never want that, and it scares me that such feelings of admiration and affection are again rearing their ugly head...

Natsuki comes back over, satisfied with having shared her poems with Sayori and MC.

"Hey," She said, nodding to me. I nodded in response, wordlessly. I... I can never love Natsuki - not genuinely. Any sort of affection I feel to her is only a fragmented remnant of what I once was, a fragment I need to hide away forever and forget about. Natsuki is my friend, and I can't betray her by falling back on my so-called "feelings" for her that I developed during the time I stalked her.

The literature club ended not long after that. I waved a simple goodbye to Natsuki, leaving for my home. But I know full well what's to come tonight... I have to visit Natsuki's house.

I noticed, on the walk home, that snow had fallen during the school day, without my knowing. How... quaint, and pleasant. I've always loved snow... I felt that winter was a season that suited me.

The cold weather would not deter me - my mind was decided, and if I waited another day, I only allowed time for Natsuki's father to continue acting upon her. That wretched man disgusted me to no end, even more than I disgusted myself.

I made it home slower than usual, thanks to the snow, and I set about preparing as quick as I possibly could. I gathered a few resources in a small purse that I don't often use. The "resources" included my cell phone and a video camera - it'd be better to have a physical tape, rather than a digital recording. I don't even know if I'm going to film anything, I don't have the heart for it... oh, and of course, I have a piece of paper with Natsuki's address on it.

I went out to the living room, to see my mother preparing for herself a snack in the kitchen. To her credit, my mother was a fairly attractive woman - the sort of mother boys often lust over. But that's... an extremely awkward thought to be having right now. I suppose any distraction is a welcome one, given the situation...

I walk over to the front door and put on a pair of snow boots, a coat, a scarf, and a hat. They were all mine, so they fit perfectly and, if I may be so inclined, looked quite nice.

"Mother... I'm going to go for a walk in the snow, if that's alright," I said.

"A walk in the snow? I don't see why not, just don't catch a cold out there," My mother said. "I'll have to make chicken soup for dinner," She added.

"That would be lovely," I said, smiling at her.

I stepped out the door, ready now to fulfill my plan... to say I had no shred of doubt that this was a good idea would be an outrageous lie. No part of this is certain... but I remind myself: this is for Natsuki's sake. My heart and actions are utterly unclouded... they are all those of justice.

With this in mind, I unfold the piece of paper from my bag, containing Natsuki's address. 115 Discussion Avenue. An unusual street name, but there is no mistake... this is what I wrote down, all that time ago.

My phone confirms the position of 115 Discussion Avenue as relatively close to my neighborhood, but still of a bit of a way's away. Interestingly, it's not far from a wooded area I often visited as a child. How fun, maybe it would be quite nostalgic...

I follow the road to the best of my ability, given the accumulating snow, and eventually my phone's GPS confirms that 115 Discussion Avenue is directly ahead of me. A sad, blueish-green house - not the sort of vibrant blueish-green one might associate with clean water and tropical weather, but the sort of dark, depressing blue-green you could expect dimly lighting the waiting room of a sub-par doctor. There's a large window at the front of the house, by the door, with the curtains open at the moment. Using the video camera - but without recording - I can gain a better view of the interior of the house from here. Inside, I see a man lounging on his couch, evidently asleep. That must be Natsuki's father... a vile, greasy-looking man. I could vaguely make out an unshaven, scraggly beard that was still in its developing stages, and his straight but shaggy, unbrushed hair was interestingly a similar pink to Natsuki's. His outfit consisted of an unbuttoned Hawai'ian shirt, with a plain white t-shirt underneath, and a pair of torn jeans as a bottom. I have the feeling those jeans weren't torn when they were bought...

The man looks like a scumbag, even with my ability only to gleam general details of his appearance. I suppose that's the price I pay for using a camera of such quality - or rather, lack thereof. I use it to look through the upstairs windows, only to see... nothing, nothing but dark, sad hallways. Perhaps if I try going around the back, and peering through those windows, I'll see something else.

I start to go to the back of the house, creeping around the side. The sound of my boots in the now-thick snow made an audible crunch, and I'm fortunate there's no one to witness my being here...

But in an instant, all thoughts cease in my mind as soon as I reach the back of the house - as soon as I see... w-w-w-what I see...


	19. The wrong type of discovery

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Where... I...

I inherited his pink hair. I dunno how. I mean, really, by all accounts, it shouldn't be biologically possible for humans to have pink hair - much less for it to be _inherited_.

Apparently, mom found dad's pink hair charming. I've seen a few photos of them from when before I was born. Mom was so pretty...

But the story of Umeko Futagawa - well, originally Umeko Wada - ended 15 years ago, when I was born. She'd always been warned that her petite figure was unsuited to carry a child, but she was insistent on having children. She's always loved the idea of raising a child, taking care of them, growing to see them develop into a beautiful person. And so, her husband, Ichiban Futagawa, accepted, and she got pregnant with his child - me.

But the doctors were right. And so, when the time came, and it became clear only one of them was going to live, Umeko pleaded for the doctors to save the baby's life - _my_ life. Much to Ichiban's horror, they agreed. And Umeko died.

The reason I exist is because my mother died.

This was the story that had been recounted to me by my dad - well, he likes it when I call him Papa, but I can call him whatever I damn well please in my own head.

It was because I lived instead of my mother that I'm in the situation I'm in. If I'd never been born, this never would've happened. Ichiban and Umeko Futagawa would've lived on in a happy, stable, loving relationship. If they wanted kids, they could've adopted - this country's foster system always needs new loving parents to take care of orphaned children.

And yet, I exist, and I ruined everything.

This was the story I knew. This is what I'd been raised on, the simple principle that _I should not exist_.

Because of all this, I really didn't have a right to complain when my father beat the shit out of me. But I always selfishly regretted that he would do such things, even when I know they're fully deserved. Maybe it's just human instinct to prioritize ones' self-preservation - I dunno, I'm not into philosophy. That's just my basic theory.

But it feels _more_ than instinctual - it feels emotional, it feels... _real_. I used to beg him to stop, but that just pissed him off. So now I beg him to stop only in my mind. I guess... I don't want this. I don't want to be beaten most days. I don't want to be beaten at _all_. But... I guess it's my duty to take it. People have duties they hate performing right? Duties they wish they could be rid of... so this is just my duty, to take my punishment for my mother's death. For mom's death.

The reminder of this duty is drilled into my head as I sit here, philosophizing, as dad shouts to remind me of the story of Umeko Futagawa, while relentlessly kicking me in the stomach. Anything I can do to ignore the pain rushing through my body is a welcome distraction. But eventually, he stops, and I snap back to reality.

Ow... _ow_...

I'm in severe pain. He's never done anything life-threatening to me before, since he knows I'd have to be taken to the hospital for that... say what you will of my dad, but he's smart. He knows his limits, he knows when to stop. He's probably stopped just short of giving me a grave injury.

"Fuck!" He shouted, grabbing another bottle of beer and swigging it down. "Out of my sight," He commanded.

I complied, slowly standing myself up. My shoes and bag were already on the floor beside me, but nothing but making it upstairs mattered to me. I wordlessly ascended the stairs, making my way up slowly but surely. Everything hurt, and I'm sure I'd be throwing up if I had anything in my body to expel. I didn't get any of Yuri's lunch today, which I guess is a good thing, since I probably would've thrown that up by now. If I threw it up, he'd be so fucking _pissed_... what would he do, make me eat it back up off the floor? I dunno, maybe that's an exaggeration... but it still felt somehow completely in line with him.

Miraculously, I made it to my bedroom door. More miraculously, I opened it. Even more miraculously than that, I managed to step inside without collapsing and dying immediately. I kicked it closed with my foot - but not too hard, dad _hates_ it when I slam doors. It clicked shut quietly, and so I managed to force myself to walk over to my bed and lie down before I curled into the fetal position. Usually I just fall right onto the floor, but I need the comfort of my soft bed right now, especially given what just happened.

I cry to myself for a while. Part of it's emotional, part of it's just pure pain. I need to set a goal, but... for a second, just a second, let me cry here, please... at least afford me the luxury of wallowing in my own sorrow.

I don't know how long it was that I lay there, crying quietly. I learned a while ago not to cry so loud - after all, if dad heard me, he'd get pissed.

Eventually, I sit up on the bed, rubbing my sore, red eyes dry. I felt my stomach with my hand... it was slightly less sore now, enough that I could walk without physically forcing myself to. And so, I set a goal - I need to change out of my school uniform.

This was how I dealt with post-beating scenarios, by setting goals. After I get beaten, my goal is to change into something better. Then, my goal is to do some stretching. Then, my goal is to read at least 2 manga chapters. Et cetera, et cetera. By the end of the day, I'm all better.

Goal number one, however, proved to be difficult, especially this time. I grabbed a white t-shirt with pink borders and a skirt from my closet, but the process of undoing every part of my school uniform to change out of it is made especially arduous by the immense pain I'm experiencing in my abdominal region. I manage to unbutton the blazer and slide it off - that's the "easy part." Now I have to do everything else... the amount by which I have to contort my body to take off the vest is too much for me to take right now, so I focus on something else... The skirt slips off with a relative ease, so I manage to do that with relatively little pain. I try again to pull the vest over and off of me, but my torso has to contort so much to make it comfortable, it becomes unbearable...

But, I brute-force it. Tears forming in my eyes, I pull the damned vest off. Now all I have on is the dress shirt, the undershirt beneath that, and of course my panties - those, however, I'm not changing. The dress shirt, much like the blazer, unbuttons and slips off with relative ease, so that's not a problem. Now comes the task of getting my new outfit on - I can't bother to change the socks, so I'll just wear those.

The shirt is easy, too easy. The problem is the skirt... in order to put it on, I'll have to bend down and pull it up. But I'm in so much pain, I... bending down will be too much, won't it? I-I imagine it has to...

Well, I suppose now's the time to test that theory. I bend down and, as expected, I'm put into a state of immense shock and pain. No brute-forcing that one. I lie down on my back on my bed, hopefully giving myself some time to get better...

Eventually, when I get up, things are better - if slightly. Enough, at least, for me to successfully pull up my skirt without issue. Boom, I have a new outfit on. What was goal No. 2...? Do some stretches?

I stand for a bit, idly pondering that consideration. Stretches, stretches... I fucking hurt right now, like, _really_ bad. So stretches are seeming near-impossible right now. But... even if they hurt, I guess it'd be good for me to get some exercise in? Maybe it'll help with the pain somehow, I dunno...

I turn my torso to the side to perform a pretty basic, routine stretch, and _immediately_ decide that was a terrible idea. All it succeeded in doing was exaggerating the pain. I, again, lay down in my bed, alone with myself and my thoughts.

Somehow, I come to the topic of Yuri. Probably because I was lying on the ground just like this today, admiring Yuri from below - n-not her, w-well, y'know... whatever, I don't have to justify myself. I was admiring her face. Everything felt so... _blissful_ , in that moment. I try to take myself back to it, the conversation we had...

* * *

_"I-I, uhm... p-please, don't concern yourself over this too much..." Yuri said._

_I rolled over onto my back, looking up at Yuri, again noting how beautiful she looks from this angle. "How can I not? This is probably the worst thing to have ever happened to me, ever."_

_Yuri sighed and smiled. "That seems... a bit hyperbolic, to say the least. But please, I... I could never be mad at someone like you..."_

_"Aaaaugh... fffffine... but I'm just gonna stay over here for a while, you go keep Aoi company..."_

_"Very well, Natsuki..." Yuri said, going off over to the courtyard again._

* * *

It was a stupid, simple conversation that came about because of a stupid, simple thing I'd said... but it felt so... _perfect_... was it sad, being nostalgic for a moment like that? A stupid moment like that... really, it didn't deserve any attention at all. It was... it was dumb. I said something stupid, and that was Yuri's attempt to console me. But just laying there in the grass, the cold air around me, and Yuri above me, looking so... _pristine_... it felt like the sort of moment where two people fall in love. I think Hanako and Koharu went through a similar thing - it was after a school festival, or something, and Koharu had invited Hanako out to the fields by the school. Koharu, being Koharu, asked Hanako what she thought love was. And I don't think I'll ever forget what Hanako said...

_"Love is the sort of sensation you can't forget about a person... the sort of intangible, but all-powerful feeling you get in your stomach when you see them. The warmness you experience when you're around them... even when you can't admit it, that feeling is love."_

But I don't love Yuri... I... I'm helping her with her cutting problem, remember? And I used to hate her before that... but still, I... I'm spending a lot of time with her, right? I... all I do is talk to her and Aoi. And when I'm not with her, I'm thinking of her... I'm thinking of her now... I was just thinking about how pretty she was, about I want to spend a pristine day in the grass with someone like her...

What sort of person am I...? Am... am I...

I think... I'm gay. And I love Yuri.

I sighed. That's something I just thought... or maybe I said it, I dunno... it doesn't matter, no one can hear me from here. But it has a certain finality to it, a certain... y-yeah... this is the way it is.

And how _awkward_ was it, since not weeks ago, mere _days_ ago, I detested that woman to the core of my soul. I was thoroughly convinced that there were few people who I could less enjoy being around. But it was only last week that things changed... and now I, big, dumb Natsuki, already have a crush on her...

It felt weird to think it. It left an unusual taste on my tongue. I have a crush on Yuri. I have a crush on _a girl_. The sort of thing that I'd deemed unthinkable, was now as true as the sun shone... that's poetic. Yuri would love that, hehe... I'll have to write a decent poem tonight, so she can get to enjoy it at the literature club tomorrow.

But for how weird it was, it... it was oddly pleasant... knowing that I had a crush. I do have a crush, right...? I try to imagine myself kissing Yuri, holding her hand, cuddling with her... I like that, I like it a lot... y-yeah, it's definitely a crush... hehe...

I have the comfort of already knowing that Yuri's a lesbain, but... I guess that point's kinda moot when I acknowledge the fact she has no reason to be interested in me. There's really nothing about me to be valued, I mean... my entire life, I've known my that my very existence was a mistake and a curse. Yuri could never appreciate someone like that... besides, the only "love" she ever felt for me was when she was a stalker - when she was unhealthy. Being around me must constantly remind her of that dark time in her life... so, I guess I'll live with an unrequited crush, I guess...

 _Thump_.

It wasn't the door. I looked over, it was unmoved, unchanged.

 _Thump_.

Footsteps... heavy ones. Downstairs. H-How could he be so loud down there...?

"...NATSUKI!" I heard my father scream. I shot straight up, the pain in my torso immediately flaring up. My breath staggered... w-what the hell is going on?

I heard the rushing of loud, powerful footsteps shoot up the stairs. O-Oh my god, h-he's coming here...

The door flung open, slamming into the wall with a bang.

"WHAT THE FUCK IS THE MEANING OF THIS?!"

In dad's hand, was... o-oh god... I left my bag downstairs without thinking... i-it must've spilled open, a-and...

He held up _Sweet Lipstick_ , for me to see.

"I had two rules, two _MAJOR FUCKING RULES_ , and you broke BOTH of them! You fucking dyke _slut_ , you useless BITCH!" He screamed. I remember him saying it - _you're **not** a dyke_. And how could I ever forget his unnatural hatred for manga, that I learned the hard way when I was 11?

"FUCKING ANSWER ME!!" He screamed.

"P-Papa, I-I can explain..." I managed to utter. My panic was the most extreme I've ever experienced, I-I feel like I might die here... o-oh fuck, i-is he going to kill me?

"BULL FUCKING SHIT!" He screamed, throwing _Sweet Lipstick_ at my computer, knocking the monitor to the floor. He stormed up to me in my bed, grabbing me by the shoulder and screeching into my face.

"YOU USELESS FUCKIN' FAGGOT DYKE PIECE OF SHIT! YOU FUCKING PIECE OF SUH-HUMAN SHITTY, PISSY TRASH! I SHOULD THROW YOU IN THE FUCKING GARBAGE!"

He punched me across the face, sending me face-down into my sheets. But he wasn't done...

"FUCKING CUNT! FUCKING BITCH, FUCKING WHORE!" He shouted every insult he knew at me. He kneed me in the ribs, now not caring whatever damages he caused - oh fuck, he really meant to kill me, didn't he?

He lifted me up by the arm, slapping me across the face three or four times before pounding me in the chest again with his fist. He threw me down on the bed, whaling on my face with one fist repeatedly, over and over and over and over and...

I remained conscious and aware of all the pain throughout this whole process, but I didn't have any time to think about anything... pure pain, emotion, and adrenaline coursed through my body, putting me in a state of permanent shock. I lost all sort of sense of what was happening when he grabbed his beer bottle and smashed it over my head - that was lights-out for me...

But still, I was dimly aware of the beating he put me through. It was like I was observing it from a movie theatre, but a 4D one, where you experience every hit...

He grabbed my computer chair, and I guessed that would be the end for me - he was going to beat me to death with a chair. But now, he threw it out the window - wait, the window was closed...? N-No, he smashed it open with the chair, sending a bunch of shattered glass - and a few pieces of the chair - everywhere.

I regained some sort of consciousness when he gripped me by throat and lifted me up by the throat. W-Was this...

He threw me out the window. Plain and simple, he finished me off. My room was obviously on the second floor, so I plummeted into the snow not expecting to survive the next few minutes. The chair wasn't far from me, but I was only dimly aware of my own existence. I couldn't feel anything - not even the cold of the snow affected me now. I was on my deathbed - a bed of snow, glass, and blood... a fitting way for a worm like me to die. My head fell limp, and my eyes miraculously managed to detect information... blood in the snow... not unexpected. What was unexpected was... a shadow? A shadow of a person, not too far away... it must be dad - no, Papa - here to finish me off...

I sighed - well, no, I tried to sigh, but coughed up blood. I guess I was content with being finished off here... Yuri will never know I loved her... Monika, Sayori and MC will all be shocked and horrified, I'm sure... Yuri will probably go back to cutting, since I won't be there for her...

W-Wait, n-no... I'm not content with dying here... i-if I die, who will be there for Yuri...? I can't be selfish and leave her like that...

Tears welled up in my eyes... please, Papa, no... don't kill me here...

"P-Please! 115 Disscussion Avenue, Nishi Akatsuki! I-I beg of you, emergency services! Police, ambulance, t-t-t-the whole fucking lot! P-Please - y-y-yes, I-I-I... A-Alright, I-I can... I can calm... down... o-okay, 115 Discussion Avenue, Nishi Akatsuki, Fukui Prefecture, Japan. Please, j-j-just fucking send someone! She's about to die!"

That wasn't Papa's voice... who... was that?

* * *

**CONCLUDE, ACT I**


	20. Bright white lights

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Where I wake up to an unpleasant light, and an unpleasant sound.

**OPEN, ACT II**

* * *

Augh...

Auuuff...

W-What...

W-Where... where... am I?

My eyes opened slowly, but I shut the almost as soon as I tired. Everything is... white... it's all white. It's so bright... _w-why is it so bright?_

I try to recollect myself... I-I have five senses... sight works... uh... taste? I'm not eating anything right now, so I dunno... u-uh... smell...

It smells... plastic. Not _like_ plastic, but... it has the same sort of feeling. Like a non-flavored cough syrup. Okay, okay... u-uh, w-what are the other senses... uh... o-oh yeah, touch... I feel... a bed? Not a comfy bed, but a _meh_ bed, at best... I feel sheets over me, and... pressure around my arm? A-And my leg... w-what... N-No, I don't have any time to focus on that. I-I need to regain my senses... o-okay, okay, what about hearing?

_Beep. Beep. Beep._

I don't like that sound... it might be the most annoying sound in the world. But... it sounds eerily familiar, like I've heard it in a movie or something before. But... my eyes, the eyesight, it all comes together when my eyes adjust to this bright, white room...

I'm in the hospital.

 _Fuck_.

D-Dad's gonna kill me... he hates the hospital - and, to be fair, so do I. When I was young, he told me the hospital is a place where hack doctors cheat you out of your money with over-expensive treatments and stuff you could just do at home. I only went to the hospital once as a child, when he broke my leg. He made me tell the doctors I fell, which I did, but he was still so pissed the entire time. When we got home, he... h-he...

W-Wait... d-dad... P-Papa... w-where is he? What...?

Oh, w-wait... oh, _god_...

I remember now. I remember what happened.

And so, everything falls into place. I recollect my memory of the _incident_. Dad... tried to kill me. He threw me out the window. I almost _did_ die. B-But... but...

Who was there? Who called the police...?

"Ms. Futagawa!" Someone said - a female name. I looked up to see a nurse standing over me. "You're awake..."

I tried to say something - I don't know what, b-but I had to say _something_... but my mouth, it was so _dry_ , I couldn't spit something out.

"E-E... A-..."

"Please, don't strain yourself, Ms. Futagawa. Have some water."

She opened a water bottle and handed it to me, and I drank the entire damn thing in about 40 seconds. Jesus, I was thirsty... h-how long had it been?

"Uh..." I began, not even sure what to _say_. "W-Where... am I?" I asked. I mean, yeah, I'm in a hospital, but... I'm at a loss for what else to ask, honestly.

"Nishi Akatsuki General Hospital," The nurse said. Yeah, that's right... the city I live in - Nishi Akatsuki. Fukui prefecture. Japan.

"U-Uh..." I try to stutter out something else, but I'm at an utter loss for words...

"Again, Ms. Futagawa, don't strain yourself. A lot has happened in the past 26 hours, and you're still recovering from your injuries."

26 hours...? It's been more than a day since... _then_?

"W-What's... happened...?"

The Nurse seemed to have already had an explanation prepared. She must've been here for a while.

"You were found at the backyard of your house, having fallen from a window that lead to what is presumably your room. Your father, Ichiban Futagawa, is currently in custody, as he has been presumed responsible for the crime. But... I suppose I'm overstepping my boundaries by telling you all that. My apologies, I should go get Officer Tanemura."

My... my dad's in custody? Police custody?

The nurse leaves the room, and in her place comes in a police officer. He had his hat on, and a double-breasted trench coat. Underneath that was a white collared shirt, and overtop it all was a long cape that extended to the floor. I could see his dark, auburn hair sticking out from the back of his hand - plus, he had noticeable sideburns.

"Ms. Futagawa," The cop said. "My name is Officer Tanemura. I'm with the Nishi Akatsuki Police Department. If I may be so inclined, I'd like an official statement from you in regards to what happened."

What the fuck is this guy asking for...? I've barely even gotten up, I haven't even collected all my thoughts yet... I try to sit up better to tell this guy off, but...

Oh, fuck. I didn't even notice the casts on my left arm and right leg. Fuck...

"L-Listen, I... I just want, uh... i-information..." I said, summarizing my overall state right now pretty efficiently.

"Of course," The cop - Officer Tanemura - said. He sat down in a chair next to me.

"At 5:03 PM, on January 16th, 2018, you were found at the backyard of your home, underneath the window that opened up to your room. The window had been smashed open with a chair, and you'd fallen out. Beyond that, several injuries inconsistent with falling were found, most notably several shards of glass in your forehead and left temple, determined to be from a beer bottle found on the premises, that had already been smashed open. The beer inside the house and the beer on your head were chemically identical. What I'm trying to say is that there is sufficient evidence to suggest..." He paused, perhaps for effect, "That your father put you in that condition, and threw you out the window in an attempt to kill you. He is in police custody. What I want from you is an official statement regarding what happened."

That's... quite a lot to take in. Within minutes of getting up, I was already being questioned about what happened, b-but... I wasn't ready for this, not yet.

"I-I... I'll need a minute..." I said. Officer Tanemura nodded, and stood up. But as soon as he did, a question that plagued me came to my mind.

"W-Wait... w-who called the police...?" I asked.

Officer Tanemura pulled down the brim of his hat, shielding his eyes. "We don't have a statement from that individual as to whether they desire to share that information, so therefore I am not at liberty to discuss that with you. My apologies."

I... guess I should've expected that. But I'm not thinking clearly right now, so I didn't...

"A... Alright," I said, conceding my defeat.

"I'll leave you to your thoughts. But I implore you, when you're ready, please give me a word."

I nodded, and Officer Tanemura left the room.

And so, alone with my thoughts, I started to weep.

* * *

"Ms. Futagawa..." Officer Tanemura began. After about a half hour after he'd left, he came back. But I managed to clean myself up - well, enough to make it look like I haven't been crying to myself. "I'd like to talk to you a bit more, if that's alright with you."

I didn't really have a choice in the matter, so I just silently nodded in assent.

"Alright... I've been on the phone with my superiors, so I now have authorization to give you some further important information regarding your case,"

Further important information...? What else could he possibly have? I know what happened, I was there...

"If at any point, you want me to stop, _please_ let me know. I can understand if this is... too much for you to hear," He says. He's trying to be understanding, he really is, but c'mon, he's just another faceless, emotionless cop. I already know how ingenuine he is. But whatever, I don't have anything better to do than humor him...

He took my silence as a window to go on. Before he continued talking, however, he took a folder out of his coat and removed three photos from it. The photos were each mugshots of some sleazy, gross, slimy-looking dudes. But... one of them looked kinda familiar. I... who is that?

"These are the faces of Daizen Ariyoshi, Yasuhiro Kaji, and Ryuji Sasahara. These men's contacts were found in your father's phone, and they were also apprehended near the crime scene shortly after you were discovered. They rode in a black van, in which there was found a shotgun, several black trashbags, several hacksaws, multiple containers of lighter fluid, a jerrycan of gasoline, and a metal lighter. The three men were each dressed in all-black jumpsuits, and three fitting black ski masks were found on their persons. Texts had not been exchanged between them, but we're working on obtaining the call records of all of their phones, as well as those of your father. However, enough evidence exists to piece together an unpleasant and unfortunate picture... again, if ever you feel that I should stop talking, please feel free to note me."

"I... I-I understand, I-I can piece it together..." I said. I was tearing up, I could feel it... I-I know what this all means... dad... d-dad, Papa, whatever... h-h-he... he called in a favor with his friends... t-t-to finish me off, a-a-a-and dispose of my b-body... I couldn't hold anything back, I let my tears flow as I shook in fear and overwhelming emotion...

He... h-he really wanted me _dead_... a-and I would've met that horrific end, had it not been for whoever called 110... my body w-would've been chopped up, t-t-thrown into garbage bags, and _burned_... I-I wouldn't even be able to rest peacefully... g-god, I-I...

"I understand this is overwhelming for you, but... this is a sort of case I'm familiar with. The abused will protect their abuses out of a sense of obligation, a feeling that they don't have it as bad as others, even that they _deserve_ what's happened to them. But I want to dispel to you any sense you had that your father was a good person. We have forensic evidence enough, but... your statement would be more than enough to have him in jail for life."

I sighed, rubbing my tears away. I-I... w-what... I... I think I know what I have to do. Knowing what I know now, I-I...I can't let Papa spend another day free. K-Knowing what he'll do to me... h-he'll... he'll kill me...

"Officer... Tanemura?" I said. He nodded. "I... I-I'll make a statement. I'll... I-I'll incriminate my father."

"Excellent," Tanemura said, pulling out a notepad, a pen, and a little recording device. "Is it okay with you if I take an audio recording?"

"S-Sure, fine..." I said.

"Wonderful," He said, clicking a button on the little device. "You're free to begin whenever you want."

I sighed. "I-I... u-uh, my father, u-uh..."

"Can you please say your name for the recording?"

I sighed. I guess it's a formality he can't do without... "M-My name is Natsuki Futagawa. I was born on August 21st, 2002, which was also the day my mother died giving childbirth. Ever since then... m-my father, Ichiban Futagawa, has personally blamed me for her death. He... h-he had a tendency to beat me. A-And yell at me... he always told me how my life was a curse placed upon him. He would... h-he's often kick me in the stomach, and chest. He stomped on my legs a lot, too... just recently, he threw a book at my head, which made me bleed. I-I still have the scar on my forehead... B-But... u-uh, I guess it was yesterday...?"

"This recording is being taken on January 17th, 2018."

"Y-Yeah, yesterday... h-he became especially enraged at me, a-and he..."

"Is there a particular reason he went into such a rage?"

"U-Uhm..." I guess now wasn't the time to lie... "H-He... H-He always made it apparent to me that he would hate it if I ever, u-uh... d-developed, u-uhm... h-how can I put it... u-uh, _homosexual tendencies_ , he would hate it... b-but he found out that I had..."

Shit... the first two people to learn that I'm gay were my dad, and this rando cop. I-I mean, I-I guess I could include Aoi and Yuri, if they suspected stuff about me, but the first two people to find out concretely where... yeah, my dad and this cop. Why must fate be so cruel...

"U-Uhm, when he found out, he attacked me in my room. He punched me in the face, he kneed me int he ribs... I-I think he punched me in the face more than a few times, a-and he smashed a beer bottle over my head, a-and, u-uh, h-he... h-he threw me out the window of my room..."

I was crying by now, but I still tried to keep going... I-I eventually started choking on my words.

"That's enough," Tanemura said, clicking another button on the device. "That should be sufficient evidence to convict him, especially considering what he already obtained at the crime scene. I thank you for your cooperation, Ms. Futagawa, and... my condolences, for your situation."

His... condolences? Bullshit, bullshit... such utter bull-fucking-horse shit. How dare he try to empathize with me...? What sort of guy is this? Is he even the type of cop who carries a gun around and patrols at night? He doesn't seem like it - he seems like a paper-pusher cop, a desk-bound idiot whose only job is stupid shit like this. He... h-he has no fucking idea what all this is like for me... but he sees me crying, and so he says _"my condolences."_ The fucking gall, the utter fucking _gall_...

He's already left the room by the time I realize I'm crying again. Everything's going to change, isn't it...? Everything... everything...

Everyone at school's gonna hear about this. It'll make local news, and the few people who recognize my name will spread the word like wildfire. I know the student body thrives on information like that... so everyone's gonna know. There vanished any chances I had of potentially making any friends in school beyond what I have...

Aoi's gonna hate herself for this. She's always questioned me about my injuries, but stopped as soon as I shushed her once. She's gonna blame herself for not pushing, for not doing anything, for letting it get to this state... Aoi's sweet, fragile demeanor will be shattered like it's nothing. I've seen her get serious before, when she told me about her stalker problem, so I know she isn't detached from reality.

Yuri's gonna flip... she asked me about my injuries a few times, but not as much as Aoi, so I dunno... but I know she'll blame herself for not doing anything. She'll feel angry at herself, she might even relapse and start cutting again... god, I wish I was there to call her, to tell her everything's gonna be okay. I hope to god she hasn't started cutting again, I-I... I wouldn't be able to live with myself. _My_ situation making her fall back on the progress we've made? I-I... I don't know...

Monika... I don't feel like I know Monika anymore. I feel like I used to - she used to be a sweet, smart, organized girl who always took charge and made everyone feel at ease. But lately, she... she's been acting so _weird_. I don't know what she'll act like...

Sayori will empathize with me - but genuinely, unlike that cop. Sayori knows what it's like to suffer in silence, and pretend like everything's okay... she might get it. But it won't help with her depression, that's for damned sure... I don't want her to fall back into the depths of despair because of me. She's made so much progress, and like Yuri, I don't want her to lose what she has thanks to me...

MC... I mean, I don't really know him all that well, and I haven't really interacted with him outside of exchanging poems, but... I know how uncomfortable it must be for him to know that someone he only just met is already in the hospital because of her abusive dad. Poor kid, he didn't deserve this thrust upon him so soon...

This, I think, is what's called a _paradigm shift_ \- a fundamental change, so impactful it shakes up literally everything I know. I heard the term in history once or something, but it's a good word to describe this situation. Yuri would like it...

Oh, god I almost forgot. I... I said I was crushing on Yuri, right? Before the whole... thing. Is... that still true?

I test myself by imaging touching Yuri - holding her hand, cuddling her, kissing her... i-imaging her _naked_...

Yeah, it's still true. Wait... I did that before, didn't I? Is this the patented "Natsuki test for crushes?" Hehe... at least a little bit of humor like that kept me sane. Kept me sane in this plain, white room, with that obnoxious beeping sound... god, I hate that beeping sound...

I wish Yuri was here.


	21. Pebbles in the tide

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wherein I am in the hospital, as a visitor.

"Officer Tanemura," I said, as soon as he came out of Natsuki's hospital room.

"Ms. Seomun... your continued involvement in this operation has been appreciated. This case is probably messiest we've seen since the Naruse-Ojima affair of '96," He said, somehow assuming that I had any idea what the Naruse-Ojima affair of '96 was. "The entire department's effectively on fire right now - you see, we're not so used to this sort of action. Everyone - sans myself, it would seem - is a mess. I'm glad the Commissioner decided to put me in charge of this, since it seems like I'm the only one whose head isn't in his fucking ass right now."

"Did... h-how's Natsuki?" I asked, not really interested in what's going on in the police department right now.

He sighed. "She agreed to give me a statement incriminating her father, after I gave her some evidence she hadn't seen before."

"Evidence... what sort of evidence?" I asked.

"I don't have authorization to give you that information, Ms. Seomun. I apologize," He responded.

"N-No, I understand..." I said. "B-But... physically, how is she?" I asked.

"Huph... you'd better ask a nurse for that sort of information," He said. "By the end of the day, I _must_ get down to the station and give them this statement. As for you, I... you know my daughter, right?"

"...huh?" I emoted. I knew his daughter...? What on Earth is he talking about?

"My daughter... Sayori Tanemura. She's mentioned you and Ms. Futagawa - well, _Natsuki_ \- every so often. Do I have the right people? Or am I mistaken..." He asked, genuinely unsure of himself.

This... this was Sayori's father? I... I couldn't really see the resemblance, all that they shared was a similar hair color. The officer before me had a stronger chin, and he gave off an imposing aura... it didn't help that his hat often obscured his eyes in shadow.

"Yes, you have the right person... I know Sayori," I said.

"Excellent... I want you to be kind to her. I know you're in the same club, but... please, I..." His stoic barrier broke. "I... I've been in a bad place, because of her... _attempt_. So I just want to make sure she's okay now. I can't be there for her at home right now, given this case, so I just hope things are good for her at school."

"O-Oh, uhm..." I'd be lying if I said speaking to this now-emotional police officer wasn't making me slightly uncomfortable, but... all people have feelings. I shouldn't dismiss him because of his image. "She's... fine. She's been spending quite a lot of time with another friend of ours, MC, and he's had a positive impact on her, I'd say."

"MC, eh...?" Officer Tanemura smirked. "That boy... did he change his name or something?" He asked to himself, under his breath. I... what on Earth does he mean?

"Well, I'd best be off now. I've taken up too much of your time," He said. "You're free to go now, but the nurses are well-aware of your importance to the case thus far. You can talk to them, and they'll likely give you some sort of information regarding Ms. Futagawa's state."

"Oh, uhm... thank you. I-I'll speak to the nurses, then..." I said, waving Officer Tanemura a goodbye, and walking back towards Natsuki's room. A nearby nurse was preparing some sort of medical... thing. Medicine was not my field of expertise...

"U-Uhm, excuse me, ma'am..." I grabbed her attention. As soon as she faced me, I recognized that she was the same nurse who'd informed Officer Tanemura that Natsuki was awake. Her name tag identified her as Nurse Osumi.

"Yes?" She asked.

"Uhm, a-are... how is Natsuki, right now? Physically..." I asked.

"You are... Ms. Seomun, correct? Officer Tanemura told me about you. I can tell you that, yes," She said.

"T-Then please..." I pleaded.

"Of course. Natsuki... she was lucky you arrived when you did. Had you not arrived almost immediately after the crime, she may've suffered permanent damage to her chest and torso, and her leg could well've been paralyzed. However... because you called so quickly, emergency responders arrived in time to operate before the damage became irreversible. She could certainly be a lot worse off right now."

I sighed a sigh of relief, but Nurse Osumi straightened her expression.

"That being said... her condition is still dire. Her left clavicle and arm are broken, as well as her right leg. Her left scapula was displaced, and had to be forcibly set back into position. She's broken two bottom ribs on her left side, and her pelvis endured a crack. It's a miracle her spine didn't break, nor did any of her internal organs rupture... a fall like that will usually leave some sort of paralysis, even if temporarily. Her situation is relatively fortunate, but... it will be a matter of months before she's ready to leave the hospital. Naturally, given her status, she won't be charged for it."

I... m-months...? I... it hurt for _me_ to hear, so I can only imagine how Natsuki will react... months, _months_ , in the hospital...?

"I... t-that's... terrible..."

"But still, very lucky," Nurse Osumi assured me. "Had you not been there, she could've been left paralyzed in several areas, and she may've even died. It is no exaggeration to say that you saved her life."

I nodded, still trying to process all the information just told to me... _months_...

"I-I... t-thank you, Nurse Osumi..." I said. She nodded, returning to... whatever she's doing. I sat in a chair outside Natsuki room. I hadn't gone to school today... I'd been with the police and in the hospital all day, so naturally I couldn't go. I... I didn't go to Natsuki's house expecting everything to collapse in on itself... I-I... i-if I hadn't been there...

I looked at the hospital door nearby. Behind that door, Natsuki sat... she had no idea I was here. I had no way of knowing what was going on with her... no way to comfort her, to be there for her...

My heart began to race, as I recalled the terror I felt in the core of my heart when I saw Natsuki there, beaten, battered, bruised, and broken... the sheer horror and fear that overcame my entire body...

* * *

_ I start to go to the back of the house, creeping around the side. The sound of my boots in the now-thick snow made an audible crunch, and I'm fortunate there's no one to witness my being here... _

_ But in an instant, all thoughts cease in my mind as soon as I reach the back of the house - as soon as I see... w-w-w-what I see... _

_ "N-NATSUKI!" I scream, seeing her bloodied body on the ground before me. Everything I was just thinking was gone, and a flood of questions pours into my mind - w-what happened?! W-Why did this happen?! I-Is... is she alive? _

_ Seeing her cough up blood confirmed she was alive - as did the faint sound of her rough, staggered breathing. As I panicked, my breathing became a nervous panting - g-good god, I-I-I... _

_ I whip out my phone - perhaps the best decision I could currently make, given the situation... immediately, I dialed 110. _

_ "110, what is your emergency?" A female voice answered. _

_ "P-Please! 115 Disscussion Avenue, Nishi Akatsuki! I-I beg of you, emergency services! Police, ambulance, t-t-t-the whole fucking lot! P-Please-"  
_

_ "Excuse me ma'am, I can't make out what you said... can you please calm down?" _

_ "Y-Y-Yes, I-I-I... A-Alright, I-I can... I can calm... down... o-okay, 115 Discussion Avenue, Nishi Akatsuki, Fukui Prefecture, Japan. Please, j-j-just fucking send someone! She's about to die!" _

_ "Who? Who's about to die?" _

_"A-A-A girl I know, h-h-her name is Natsuki Futagawa... I-I-I f-found her here, o-o-outside her home, s-s-she's bleeding, t-t-there's blood e-everywhere... i-i-i-it looks like s-she's broken a few b-b-bones... p-please! S-S-Send someone! 115 Discussion Avenue!"_

_"Ma'am, we'll have officers sent to your area shortly. Please hold on as the police make their way to your area. Do not hang up, I'll be on the phone with you."_

_"Y-Y-Y-Y-Yes, ma'am..." I said._

_Minutes later, police and and an ambulance arrived at the front of the house. I waved my arms from the back of the house, beckoning them over here. Suddenly, however, some movement from the house itself came to my attention..._

_I looked over to my right, and saw the back door creaking open. Out came none other than... Natsuki's father. His appearance before me struck my heart with such a torrent of vapors... fear... grief... anger... t_ _his sort of "soup of emotions" overcame my mind... I... I need this man gone, forever. I... I need to kill him._

_But I... I am incapable of such a thing. I... I don't even have a weapon with me. But... I have the police._

_"Officers!" I shouted. "I-I found him! The culprit, Natsuki's father! H-He's here!"_

_"F-Fuck! You bitch!" Natsuki's father shouted at me. It was until just now I saw it... a-a handgun in his hand..._

_I-Is he going to shoot me...?_

_He pointed his gun at me, and... I accepted, if for a moment, that I was about to die. It felt like a romantic, sensible conclusion, to die here, protecting Natsuki... but I then remembered who was behind the gun, whose hand was holding it... t_ _o die at the hands of such a scumbag... it would be the greatest insult one could ever endure. There was no romance or sense to it. It was idiotic..._

_"Police! Drop your weapon! Drop your fucking weapon!" An officer shouted from behind me. Natsuki's father refused comply - he held his gun out ahead of him, still, but it was now pointed at the officer as opposed to me. Natsuki's father continued to hold his ground, while simultaneously backing away._

_"Freeze! Drop your fucking weapon!" The officer demanded. Like a confused animal, Natsuki's father refused to relent, still slowly backing away._

_"I will not hesitate to shoot if you take another fucking step in that direction! Drop your weapon and put your hands up!"_

_Natsuki's father took an all-or-nothing gambit, and bolted towards the woods. But before he could make it anywhere, blood spattered from his leg - he'd been shot! He'd... been shot. He can't escape his fate now.  
_

_"AAAUAUGH!" He screamed in agony, falling to the ground and dropping his weapon. Two officers ran up to him, placing him in cuffs and dragging him off to an ambulance._

_"Young miss," an officer said, approaching me, "Are you the 110 caller?"_

_"U-Uhm, y-yes... I called 110, I-I-I found Natsuki here..." I responded, as Natsuki was loaded onto a stretcher and carried off to an ambulance._

_"Please, ma'am, come with us. We assure you, you're not in any sort of trouble."_

_"P-Please, let me ride with Natsuki..." I pleaded. The officer contemplated my question._

_"Does she have any other immediate family?" She asked._

_"N-Not that I'm aware..."_

_"What sort of relationship do you two have?"_

_"I-I..." It was an excellent question. But I thought on my feet. "I-I'm... a close friend of hers."_

_The officer took a second to think further, but ultimately nodded. "Fine, I suppose. I don't see why not, especially because we'll have an officer or two in the ambulance as well," She said._

_"T-Thank you!" I said, running over to the ambulance, the officer not far behind._

_"She's clear to ride in the ambulance, too," The officer said to the medical staff and other officers around the ambulance. They nodded, and I climbed inside... N-Natsuki's body... she looked so damaged, so torn... w-what happened to her?_

_I heard some emergency responders give some technical, professional opinions on what her condition was as the doors were closed shut and the ambulance took off for the hospital. But all I could define was that she was... broken. Her body was broken._

_Oh, dear god, I hope they can fix her..._

* * *

But... Natsuki's... okay now. Well... she _will_ be... she's still obviously horribly injured, but... Nurse Osumi is a medical professional, and I trust her word. B-But the implications of waiting for months to be released from the hospital... I-I... I try to imagine myself in the same situation. Trapped in a white dystopia, surrounded by white-clad nurses and doctors, confined to a bed every second of the day. How would I use the restroom? What horrifically embarrassing and even traumatic experiences may come from that? I hate the thought of leaving her in there to suffer alone, for months on end, with minimal visiting contact...

I looked over to Nurse Osumi. Perhaps... if I ask her, I can alleviate Natsuki's potential troubles before they even begin... after all, this is going to be a difficult process for her. The least I can do is try to help her through it...

"Uhm..." I begin. "M-May I... u-uhm... may I visit her, in her room?" I asked. I wanted to break down the barrier between us now.. We were separated by the door, and it represented the division between our two situations right now... I-I... I want to see her.

"Well..." Nurse Osumi contemplated my question. "Unfortunately, only immediately family would be allowed in at a time like this. Natsuki's remaining family besides her father has yet to be found... so..."

I crossed my fingers - never have I been a superstitious person, so I recognized that crossing my fingers would have absolutely zero effect. But it represented a sort of... hope. And I hope, more than many things, that I'm allowed to go in and see Natsuki.

"I... don't suppose why not," Nurse Osumi concede. "I'll inform her you're coming in beforehand."

I nodded - that much was logical, I suppose. Nurse Osumi stuck her head in the room through the door.

"Excuse me, Ms. Futagawa, you have a visitor who'd like to talk to you, if that's alright."

Natsuki's actual response escaped me, as I couldn't hear her, but Nurse Osumi turned to look at me with a smile on her face. "She says it's fine."

I nodded and bowed to her. "Thank you, Nurse Osumi, from the bottom of my heart!" I said.

"Oh, please... no need for such formality," She replied, smiling at me.

I opened the door up to Natsuki's hospital room, stepping in timidly.

"U-Uhm... h-hello, Natsuki," I said, quietly.

"..."

Natsuki said nothing. The silence was palpable. Oh, dear... d-did... h-have I come in too soon? Have I forced myself into this situation too early? O-Oh god, h-have I... w-what have I done?!

"Y-Yuri..." Natsuki said, eyes tearing up. "Y... Y-You're here..."

"Natsuki..." I said, quietly. She... i-is she... happy to see me?

"P-Please... come here..." Natsuki said. I'm... I'm not used to this. I've never seen her show a shred of such genuine... relief. Overwhelming emotion did not suit the Natsuki I knew... b-but... I suppose it suited the _real_ Natsuki. This is what it was... this is what it meant. Completely uncovered, unshrouded, Natsuki. This could perhaps be the first time I'd ever seen her.

I sat over next to her, and she wept.

"Y-Yuri..."

I smiled, and ran my fingers through her hair. The first time I'd ever seen it let down like this... a beautiful symbol, of the beautiful person Natsuki was. This truly was the first time I'd ever met Natsuki... the sort of moment, which I've become accustomed to calling a _paradigm shift_.

"Natsuki..." I said her name softly, a response to her saying mine. I... I feel a certain joy and satisfaction in the fact that she was so happy to see me, that she teared up at the mere sight of me... it left... a certain warm contentment, in my heart. It made all my stress and worries vanish - all my worries about everything that's happened over the past 26 hours, it all seemed to wash away as if they were mere pebbles in the tide...

"Y-Yuri... u-uh... I... have some explaining to do..." Natsuki said.

"Please, if you don't want to..." I said.

"N-No, I-I... I've hid this for too long... besides, even if I wanted to hide it, it's not like I can now..." She said, regaining some composure. "I-I... I need to tell you about... my dad."

I know full well about her father, but... I... I suppose it can't hurt to listen to her speak about it from her perspective. All I've ever known is my own interpretation, itself based upon third-party evidence I gathered from inferences. I... I'm interested to hear Natsuki speak about it herself.

"My dad... m-my dad, is... an abusive piece of shit," She said. It felt good to hear her say it - I'd always worried she admired him, as the abused so often do. The confirmation that his hands had never managed to reach her mind... it felt... good, for a lack of a perhaps more sophisticated term.

"Is... is that so?" I asked.

"Y... yeah. He's... h-he's why I'm here right now. B-Because... h-he... h-h-he tried to, u-uhm... w-well, it looks like he... t-tried to k-kill me..." She said.

That much, I'd gathered... given what he did to her, chiefly having thrown her out the window, I assumed he'd wanted her dead. But I didn't know the motivation yet... what would drive him to do such a thing? Was it a random act in a fit of drunken rage? Or did he have his own twisted, disgusting motivation...

"U-Uhm... w-why? Why did he try to... w-well... do that..."

Natsuki sighed. "I-I, uhm, h-he... found something out that I was trying to keep from him," She said, making a vague point. Found something out? That could mean anything... I understand she was being intentionally vague, but... I... I don't feel as if I have a _right_ to any information. But given how involved I've been, I... I cannot help but feel... uhm... curious.

"U-Uhm... w... w-what did he find out?" I asked, timidly. I wasn't sure it was my place to be asking such a question - no, I'm quite certain it's _not_ my place. But... as I said. Curiosity has the better of me...

Natsuki sighed. "Uhm... I... huph... I guess I told that cop, a-and it's gonna become public information with the trial, anyway..."

I... what does she mean by all this? It must be something rather important if she's so invested in it... I... I-I probably shouldn't try to coerce this out of her...

"N-Natsuki, y-you don't have to tell me if you don't want to... I-I don't have a right to any information, y-you can just-"

"N-No! No, I have to... I've already convinced myself," Natsuki said, sighing again. "I-I... u-uhm... I'm... I-I'm gay..."

G... Gay? Natsuki's a _lesbian?_ Someone as adamantly heterosexual as her, is, well... not actually heterosexual at all, but a lesbian?

"O-Oh..." I emoted. I, myself, being a lesbian, am obviously unbothered by such a revelation, b-but... still, it comes as a shock. "That's, uhm... c-certainly quite the development, Natsuki..."

Natsuki sighed, and I only noticed now how profusely she was blushing. She... she didn't fully comfortable giving that sort of information out. But she said she told Officer Tanemura, no? I suppose it was a part of her statement, then...

"Y-Yeah..." She said, avoiding my gaze. I stopped running my fingers through her hair, instead resting both my hands on the edge of her hospital bed.

"Uhm... I wish you the best, however... from experience, I know how difficult it can be to find a girlfriend... s-so I hope for you that you find someone you love... s-someone who will cherish you, and help you through a time like this..."

Natsuki looked... absolutely dumbfounded. And I can't entirely say why... d-did I overstep my boundaries? O-Oh my, d-did I say something wrong?!

"U-Uhm! I-I... d-did I say something wrong? N-Natsuki, I-I-I'm so sorry, I-I-I, u-uhm..."

Natsuki giggled, but her giggle quick escalated into a chuckle, and into a loud, boisterous laughter that only concluded as she felt a pain in her side and started coughing. It was... slightly unsettling, seeing her react like that...

"Y-Yuri... heheheheheh... don't worry. You... you said everything right," She said. I... blushed, for some reason, as she smiled at me, staring into what felt like my soul with her beautiful eyes, her wonderful, gorgeous eyes...

"U-Uhm... t-thank you, Natsuki..." I said, unsure of what else to say.

"Ms. Seomun," Nurse Osumi said, entering the room. "Your mother and father are here to see you."

"O-Oh, uhm, I-I'll be right there," I said. I suppose I hadn't considered my parents in this whole situation... I suppose someone from the police department - possibly Officer Tanemura himself - had phoned my parents to let them know where I was.

Nurse Osumi nodded, and ducked back out the door.

"I... shouldn't keep them waiting," I said, turning back to Natsuki. She nodded.

"Yeah... I get it,"

I smiled at her. "I-I... I-I was happy to see you again,"

She nodded. "Yeah, me too... p-please, visit me again..."

"O-Of course! I-I'll... I-I'll visit you... e-every day..."

Natsuki blushed, and her eyes widened. Still, she maintained a relatively normal demeanor - normal for this situation, that is.

"A-Alright, awesome..."

"Goodbye, Natsuki..." I said, standing up and waving to her as I left the room, and closed the door.

I walked down the hallway with an unusual satisfaction, and a sense of... direction. My time with Natsuki was not, as I had feared, over...

And for some reason, that felt so, _so_ good to know.


	22. "Back to normal"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wherein those things that have been intended to go back to normal, instead change drastically.

1/21/2018

The current time, my dearest journal, is 9:45 PM. Earlier today, I visited Natsuki in the hospital. As you are already aware, I'd promised her that I would visit her every day in the hospital. However, with a great disappointment in my heart, my dear journal, I must say that it seems as though restrictions may yet come upon the time in which I am allowed to visit her.

The school board, understanding my part in the case of Natsuki's... how shall we say, _experience_ , agreed to allow me to be absent for the remainder of the week. But tonight - Sunday night, for reference - I've learned that in spite all my pleading, the school board has denied that any further absence on my part is tolerable. I will be required to return to school as normal tomorrow.

Naturally, I'd _much_ rather not - I simply don't feel ready for it. So much has transpired, and I've become so invested in this case, that I don't feel that I can possibly focus on school-related topics at the moment. Calculus? Physics? How am I meant to focus on such comparatively menial topics, when my friend's life was so recently endangered by her own father? Returning _now_ is a terrifically awful idea, in no small part because I am certain that it can only have a negative impact on my own mental well-being.

My mother and father, fortunately, have been much more understanding than the board in the matter. My mother, especially - for you see, my dear jounral she's made the suggestion that I take a few mental health days as needed. However... in such a case, the school's scorn would be upon me, and I need not be troubled by that, atop all else... but still, I wonder whether the school's scorn and wrath would actually outweigh the stress of actually returning to school.

Regardless, the choice is out of my hands... fortunately, however, Natsuki and I will still be able to communicate. She was lucky enough that her phone went undamaged throughout the "encounter," and the police department concluded that it doesn't contain any data valuable enough to be considered evidence. Therefore, she is able to keep it on her person. It is through those means that Natsuki has assured me that she understands - that I am not at fault for the school board's decision. According to her, she would feel dreadful if I were to suffer (in regards to grades) because I was visiting her. I feel a certain inevitability regarding suffering grades, however... whether I was visiting her, or going to school anyway, my grades are doomed to slip. As I stated earlier, focusing on school topics is an impossibility right now, so naturally my grades will suffer the consequences of this situation...

But it feels menial. I don't care, I simply don't care. My own grades are nothing, _nothing_ , standing before the well-being of Natsuki. This is what I tried to assure her, but... to no avail. And so, it seems that I will be returning to school on the morn, my dear journal. I hope, for both Natsuki and I's sake, that an exemption is made in the future. My dearest journal... I must bid you a farewell for now, but rest assured, I shall write to you again tomorrow.

* * *

Uncertainty flows through my veins in place of blood this morning. I... I simply don't want to be here... I-I don't want the glaring eyes of those people who are wondering where I've been... I don't want people starting rumors, I don't want people to assume things, I-I...

I try to take a deep breath - I'm panicking. P-Please, Yuri, think logically here... no one in this school, sans a few, have any sort of idea who I am. They don't notice me in the hallway, they barely even register that I exist. No one should've noticed I was gone to begin with...

I convince myself of this as I swiftly make my way to my first period classroom - Japanese Literature. I've always loved this class... that and Western Literature are my favorite subjects - they represent the classes wherein my passion for literature shines.

However, it would seem that no amount of literature can calm my nerves right now... Mr. Sasaki is nice about the situation, but... that has a minimal impact right now... Mr. Watari, from my second period, acts... uhm... as if he lacks an understanding of boundaries - of personal space. His breath was... uph... unpleasant, to say the least... third and fourth period are fine, not particularly worth mentioning... but fifth is my free period, so... perhaps this will be better? O-Or rather, worse... considering Natsuki won't be there...

As I arrive at the library, I look around with a sort of... unguided, perhaps even meaningless nostalgia. This place... the entrance to the library... I've been here many times... but, perhaps that much is obvious Even before winter break, I'd come here frequently - naturally, with the end goal of entering the library. But especially recently... this place gave me fond memories of meeting Natsuki here. That girl... she... had? No, _created_ a sort of loving, understanding atmosphere that lent itself to making me feel... uhm... for a lack of a more sophisticated term... _happier_.

As I snapped myself back to reality, I realized that I was simply standing still, outside the library. I realized also that my eyes... I'd... teared up. I wiped them clean with my sleeve - this was certainly no place to cry.

I walked alone through the library, hoping to make it to Natsuki and I's corner without incident. But... it simply isn't Natsuki and I's corner today, is it? It's my corner, my lonely, depressing corner... a place occupied by myself and myself alone. I... I began to tear up again, just thinking about it. Without Natsuki's presence there... it... it's going to feel so... so _empty_... so devoid of the warmth Natsuki provides...

I reach my destination and ponder that word... _warmth_. It seems to be the word I describe her with most... warmth. It... feels accurate a word to use. As I sit here, without her being present, I feel... cold. Cold, and alone. Sad... horribly sad. B-But... when Natsuki's around...

I shake my head. I... I'm obsessing over her too much. Would Natsuki want me to wallow in my own misery because she wasn't here? Or... would she rather I learn to spend time without her, without crying over it?

She... she would want the latter. But... I-I... I still feel so alone... I remember what it was like - sitting alone everywhere. In class, at the library, during lunch, even in the literature club... I remember all too well what it was like. I... I suppose I'd forgotten, in the presence of Natsuki. But... she's not here... I feel so alone, just as I did back then... and just like back then, m-my arm... i-it... it _itches_...

I hadn't wanted to bother Natsuki in the hospital, but... she assured me, if ever I felt weak to my desires, I should text her... so, following her command, I pull out my phone and open her contact.

_"Hello, Natsuki."_

A simple message, but... I... it feels incomplete - no, it feels... ingenuine. Incomplete... I-I... how do I feel right now? I... I feel lonely. I feel weak... I... I miss her.

_"I miss you."_

I-Is... is that perhaps too far? D-Did I, uhm... oh, god, d-did I overstep my boundaries? Am I still obsessing over her? A-Am I...

I start breathing heavy... I-I... I don't... I don't want to be a stalker again... I don't want to obsess over her... I-I... I don't want to relapse... I-I... I can feel tears starting to flow from my eyes... f-fuck, I-I... I'm panicking, I-I'm, I-I...

_"I miss u too :)"_

I...

I clutch my bag and begin quietly crying to myself.

* * *

"Aoi..." I said, a weak greeting for the equally weak-looking Aoi. I've seen Aoi with cold hatred in her eyes, and fluffy joy, but... seeing her genuinely sad felt strangely unnatural. But it's only natural... Natsuki let her know what was going on via phone, and I'm confident that having been alone for most of last week was been difficult... the poor girl has had no one to talk to. I...

"I... u-uhm... it's..." I began, trying to muster some sort of greeting.

Aoi sighed in understanding, and the two of us walked out to our usual table at the courtyard. But, given Natsuki's absence, it lacked... a sense of _wholeness_. It felt like a cold, dark void was adjacent to Aoi and I.

I rest my head in my arms on the table, an uncommon position for me... Aoi pulled out her lunch and began picking at it. In this cold silence, I drifted off to myself in thought...

I... I've been thinking about Natsuki a lot recently, given the... events, that have recently transpired. And while it makes sense, given what's happened, I... I fear that I'm thinking of her too much - that I want her _near me_ too much. I-I... I'm... I'm afraid...

"Aoi..." I begin. "U-Uhm... h-how... how do you..." I sighed. "How... how do you, uhm, appreciate someone - like them, y-y-you know, uhm, without... obsessing over them?"

Aoi looked at me, taking a second to get in the proper mental place to answer such a question.

"Are you... concerned? About yourself?"

I...

"I-I don't want to lapse into who I was... u-uhm... I-I've naturally been thinking about Natsuki a lot recently, a-about how... uhm, about how much I'd like to be spending time with her, rather than be at school... a-and I want to know how to prevent myself from relapsing into who I was back then..."

Aoi smiled at me. "Yuri... you little worry-wart... there's nothing wrong with wanting to spend time with someone, you know. _I_ want to spend time with Natsuki, but I'm not obsessive, yes, yes."

"B-But... I feel it might be different for you, n-no? Since you've never been, uhm... a-a _stalker_..."

"Listen, Yuri... it's natural to want to be around a friend. That much doesn't make you a stalker, nor does it mean you'll fall back into being one. It's probably hard to stop thinking like that, yes, yes, but I want to let you know that from a more rational perspective, what you're feeling is concern and a strong sense of friendship."

I sighed. "Uhm, I-I... I suppose so..."

"Unless..." Aoi put on her playful, Cheshire smile. "What you're feeling is something _more_ than friendship~?"

I blushed and sat up straight.

"E-Even if that _were_ true... I... I would never be able to act upon it, not after... n-not after I stalked her... any potential for love would've been destroyed before it started, so it wouldn't be worth pursuing."

"Well," Aoi winked, "It sounds like you've put quite a lot of thought into this, yes, yes~"

"U-Uhm, I-I..." Had I? I realized only now that... Aoi was _right_ , oddly... my explanation was indeed one that I'd put a considerable amount of thought into beforehand. I suppose I'd never considered _why_ I was thinking about it so much, but... the point still stands, so even if I _did_ fall for with Natsuki, it would be futile to pursue it. Furthermore..it's as Aoi hinted at, I have trouble distinguishing between _love_ and _obsession_ , so it's not as if I could realistically even maintain a relationship, even if I entered into one. So it's useless... right?

But all that hinges on the assumption that I ever _have_ fallen for Natsuki to begin with, which... I-I... I haven't I think I can confidently say. No, I certainly haven't - my conscience wouldn't allow it.

I sigh, audibly, in reaction to my own thought... I recall something I said to myself shortly after I first met Natsuki.

_I hate being so methodical about this, as if I were some sort of emotionless scientist, approaching an experiment... why can't I just be natural about this? Can I not merely... get to know her, I suppose? As others would._

I feel as though I'm approaching this the same way - with a methodical, calculated, scientific approach. I... I just want things to flow naturally.

"Well~? Do you like Natsukiiii~?" Aoi teased. This sort of behavior was probably the best way she could cope right now, b-but... she... she was making me _seriously_ reconsider everything I'd thought I'd known up to this point...

"U-Uhm..." I suppose, I-I... h-how do I feel? How do I feel when I'm asked the question? The opposite of methodology is instinct, so... what is my instinctual answer?

I take a deep breath, and clear my mind totally. I have but one question for myself:

_"Do I like Natsuki?"_

I felt my face grow hotter by the second, my breath becoming a pant... I-I... do I like Natsuki? M-My instinctual answer... I-I, uhm...

"Uhm... y-yes," I said aloud, covering my face with my bangs as my cheeks no doubt grew only redder by the second. I... w-what had I just said...? I-I... I said I _liked_ Natsuki... b-but it was my instinct to say yes - it my my _natural answer_ , so to speak, so surely it represented what I truly felt... right?

I let the words sit on my tongue for a moment... I-I... I like Natsuki...

It felt... oddly right.

I like Natsuki.

"Eeeeeh?! I wasn't expecting that~!" Aoi grinned from ear to ear.

"I-I... y-you have to understand, I-I only figured this out just now, myself... I-I... I-I had no idea..."

"Well you sure sounded pretty sure when you answered, yes, yes~"

"I-I... I put a lot of thought into it... w-well, no, I didn't. I... I answered based on pure instinct... s-so I feel it must be true... no?"

"Mmn, mmn! It must be so! Perhaps lady fate herself brought you two together~?" Aoi proposed.

I waved that concept off. "No, no... I've no reason to suspect that Natsuki feels the same way."

"Well, still... I think this is so very fun~! I'll happily be your confidant, yes, yes!"

I sighed and smiled. "Aoi... huph... you never cease to be a source of... fun."

"I'll take that as a compliment," Aoi said.

"Naturally..."

I felt significantly better now than I had earlier. I suppose... Aoi has that effect. Even in trying times like these, she... provides a sort of joy, a humor I need to experience for my own sanity's sake.

All good things, however, must come to an end... the bell signalling the end of lunch rings.

"Ah! The bell! Yuri, we must depart, yes, yes!" Aoi proclaimed, throwing her things in her bag.

"Ah, of course... uhm, A-Aoi... t-thank you," I said, standing up.

"Please! No, problem, yes, yes!" She said to me, before departing. I smiled to myself... this day had been nothing but pure misery until this point. It... it feels better now. Talking to Aoi, a-and... of course, there's t-that revelation, the one I didn't feel quite comfortable saying, but has marinated well, and feels right...

I... I-I _like_ Natsuki...

* * *

"Oi, Yuriiiii~!" Sayori greeted me as soon as I walked in the door. At this point I should stop questioning whatever order we arrive at the literature club in - there's no rhyme or reason to it, not anymore. Of course, it's not an issue that's genuinely worth dawdling on...

"Where ya been?" She asked me. It was only then that the cogs of _actual_ thought begin to turn in my head, and I came to a horrifying realization:

The literature club has _no idea_ of what had happened last week.

I suddenly understood all too well how MC felt two weeks ago...

"Uhm... I-I..." W... Where do I begin?

"Ooh, and where's Natsuki, too? Do y'know?"

I know all too well, Sayori... I-I... t-this...

"Natsuki... is... u-uhm..." I began, unsure of where to continue or finish... MC looked over to me, a sympathetic expression on his face - it seems he's figured out that something's wrong, and he knows before anyone else that being the bearer of bad news is a difficult position. But... given his understanding, it would seem he wants to help me out of this situation.

"Hey, Yuri," He says, "Could you come over here for a sec?"

I nod, dodging Sayori as I make my way over to him and sit down.

"Hey... u-uh, what's up?" He asks.

"I, uhm... i-it's..." I sigh. "Natsuki... is... i-is in the hospital, right now..."

MC shuddered a bit, before sighing.

"I... did... d-did she...?"

"O-Oh!" He's asking if she attempted suicide... fortunately, that's not the case. Of course, the actual situation isn't necessarily preferable...

"H-Heaven's no," I went on. "S-She... uhm... h-her father, h-he's... uhm..." It... it was difficult information to get out, b-but..

"H-He's been habitually a-abusing, her, a-and, uhm, h-he... h-he tried to... k-k-kill her..."

The information sputtered out of me as I forced myself to continue. Even now, with so much time having passed, it's still... difficult, to deal with. Perhaps, given the situation, falling for her _now_... was... perhaps inappropriate? Falling for her only _after_ I learned she was being abused... I-I... I remember, once, a story wherein it was the attitude of the protagonist's sort of "white knight," or "savior" mentality - the mentality that they had to protect their love interest - that lead to such disaster in their relationship. Natsuki and I don't share a relationship, b-but... am I suffering in the same way? I don't _think_ I've been overprotective of Natsuki, b-but... given I only fell for her at her lowest point, does that make me that sort of person?

My thoughts are interrupted by MC sighing - I don't know how long it's been. Really, I have to stop spacing out like that...

"Yuri, u-uh... j-jeez..."

I sighed. "I-I... I wasn't here for most last week b-because I was visiting her... I-I... I-I'm sorry I never said anything..."

"No, don't... d-don't worry about it... god, Sayori's gonna be absolutely _distraught_... once she got back, they had so little time together... a-and now, yet _another_ incident has just... just... _ruined_ things..."

I sighed, hanging my head. "Uhm... y-yes, I... I'm so sorry, that all this has happened..."

Sayori came over, a look of concern on her face, as Monika curiously observed from afar.

"Hey, you okay...? You guys looked like you were talking about something serious..." Sayori asked.

I sighed, and unable to meet Sayori's gaze, I kept my head hanging low. "N-Natsuki... i-is in the hospital right now... s-she was... s-she was admitted, a-after her father tried to... k-kill... her."

Sayori gasped, clasping her hands over her mouth as tears immediately formed in her eyes. She ran off to the other side of the classroom to weep. Monika wheeled around in her chair, away from me, so that I couldn't see her face.

"W-What... uhm... w-when is she gonna get out?" MC asked.

"Uhm... t-the nurse I talked to said sometime in the next few months..."

MC sighed. "Uhm... I... w-what's gonna happen to her after that? I mean, she can't live with her dad..."

"I... I've thought about that a lot, myself... I... I wish I could say I knew for certain she was going somewhere happy... b-but, I-I..." Tears welled up in my eyes as I remembered the truth: that without her father, Natsuki was now bereft of a place to live. I know the orphanage system in Japan is backed up, as well as the foster system... t-there really is no good place for her right now, is there? S-She... I-I doomed her... I-I doomed her...

"I..." MC looked away in thought. "I... I-I have... a foster brother."

Eh? That... doesn't seem entirely relevant. I don't see why he mentioned it...?

... _oh_.


	23. Bread dough

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Where I'm in the hospital, still.

Today's... Thursday? Thursday...

It didn't feel right to say it. _Thursday_... it didn't really feel like a day at all. It felt like a part of a... blended continuity of time, one that didn't really have any sort of rhyme or reason to it, that just kept going... the same six things happen to me ever day: I wake up. The nurses give me breakfast. The nurses give me lunch. I talk to Yuri. The nurses give me dinner. I go to sleep.

Everything feels so... cyclical, like... like none of it really matters. Yuri and I... I love that girl, but... I... I don't want this to continue the way it is. I... I feel like I'm getting _bored_ of her... we've run out of things to talk about, so aside from her physical appearance (which has a _lot_ to be beheld), I... I don't really get anything from her meeting me anymore. And I don't think she gets anything from me, either...

But... I hate it. Whenever I think about it, I feel like I'm gonna cry... I-I think I'm gonna cry now... I fell for her, I... I had - _have_ \- a crush on her. I don't want it to be ruined like this... I want a _reason_ to want to see her. I feel like if things continue the way they are, I'll... I'll stop liking her. And... I-I don't want to kill what I had like that...

Everything's just... bread dough. Bland, sticky, bread dough. That's what it all feels like right now, a-and... I don't want Yuri to become part of that bread dough. I've had a lot of time - _nothing_ but time, in fact - to think about this, a-and I feel... I feel like if I have a reason to miss Yuri, if I don't get to see her for a time, it'll... it give meaning to being able to see her again, once I get out of this godforsaken hospital.

"Uhm... N... Natsuki?" Yuri muttered, peering into the room through a cracked-open door.

Speak of the devil, and he shall appear...

"H-Hey, Yuri..." I croaked, dryly.

"Uhm, I-I..." She began. "I... I-I've brought, uhm... a-a guest today, i-if that's alright..."

A... a guest? I mean... I guess I don't really have a reason to refuse... do I?

"I-I mean... sure," I said.

"A-Alright..." Yuri responded, ducking back behind the door to talk to someone. When she was done, she entered the room and sat down at my side. Following her was... MC? MC of all people?

"Uh... h-hi, I guess..." I said, unsure of why MC was here. I never really knew him all that well... it's not like we had all that much time to interact, anyway, since I only knew he existed for, like, two weeks. I don't really know anything about him, nor he anything about me, so I was completely _bewildered_ to see him of all people here. But, if it adds some sort of flavor to this bland, sticky, bread dough I've been living... I guess he can't hurt me.

"S-So..." MC began. "Uh... y-you... obviously, now I know about... w-well, what's been going on, at home, and, uh... I... I know we... don't really know each other. But... I... I'm worried. I'm worried about what'll happen to you after this all blows over."

I nodded, letting him go on.

"I... I have a foster brother. His name is Yoshifumi. He's 11, and... h-he's an awesome kid. But when my parents adopted him, 3 years ago, he... h-he was a recluse - he didn't trust anyone. It took a _lot_ of effort to get him to open up... b-but it's because of him, and that experience, that I... I know all too well the sort of broken foster system we have in Japan. The orphanages are overcrowded, too... s-so, uh what I'm trying to say is, uh... I... I don't... I'm worried, I-I... even though I don't know you, I... I-I can't sit by, and let you be thrown into a system I _know_ is broken. So, uh... I... I've... I've been talking to my parents, and Yoshifumi, and Sayori, and... everyone's okay, everyone would be fine if, uh..."

He took a second to try and find the wording he wanted, but... I got it. I know what he's saying.

"I... y-you can... live with us, as a foster child, i-if you want to..."

I'd be lying if I said I'd never thought about what's to become of me after all this is over. But... I'd also be lying if I said I hadn't swept it under the rug because it was too hard to deal with at the time. It was a terrifying topic for me, it constituted most of the reason I never told about what dad was doing... there was nowhere better for me. But... i-it... it all felt somewhat alleviated, when MC told me what he did.

I don't know MC's parents. I don't know this "Yoshifumi" kid. I hardly know MC. But... I... it...

"Natsuki..." Yuri said, reaching over and padding off my eyes with a tissue. I didn't realize I was crying, but when I did... I... I _let the waterworks flow_ , as they might say. MC looked down, hiding his face with his bangs. I... I hope he doesn't think he offended me.

When I'm done crying, I look at MC.

"Uh... y... y-yes," I said, quietly. "Yes... t-thank you..."

He nodded, evidently having all the clarity he needed. Do I see a slight smile creeping on his face...? Maybe he's not such a bad kid after all, huehue...

"W-Well, uhm... nice. I should probably get going then, let everyone know about the news. S-See ya..." He said, getting up and waving to Yuri and I as he left the room.

And so, I turned to Yuri. Looking into her eyes, I felt... a dim spark of emotion. All was not quite lost... but... but it was not long for this world.

"Y-Yuri..." I said her name, trying to stop myself from crying... t-this... I... it was going to be difficult.

"I... I want to preface this by saying... I-I don't hate you. I never will. I... I really think you're a good person, and a wonderful..."

I don't want to call her a friend, I want to call her something more, but... _friend_ will have to do.

"Friend. You're a wonderful, wonderful friend... b-but... I..." I fought back my tears, choking on my own emotion.

"I... I-I think you should stop visiting me, for now..."

Yuri's eyes widened, her neutral smile breaking up into a quivering frown... i-it... it broke my heart...

"W... W-What...?"

"Y-Yuri, I... I-I'm so, so, so sorry, b-but... I... I want there to be _meaning_ when I see you..." I say, spilling my heart - well, obviously I have to omit one specific detail...

"W-With these daily visits, I... I-I feel like... nothing _matters_. Like... like everything's the same. Like... i-it's all just... bread dough. I... I want to feel something when I see you, I want it to be _special_... s-so I know this hurts, b-but... p-please... I... p-please, understand me..."

Yuri wiped her eyes of fresh tears, fighting back a waterfall.

"Y... Yes... I... I'm terribly sorry..." She said, standing up and leaving without a word. As soon as the door closed behind her, I starting sobbing, and I can say with a certain level of confidence that she started doing the same on the other side of the door...

* * *

Was it yesterday?

It was probably yesterday. I woke up, filled with no emotions other than regret and sorrow.

It was yesterday that Yuri came to see me here for the last time.

It hurt... I'd be a filthy fucking liar if I sat here and told myself it didn't hurt, because it fucking hurt like a glass bottle to the head - believe me, I know from experience. But it was necessary, because if I didn't... I'd feel nothing when I saw her. And hurt feels a lot fucking better than nothing.

Days upon days passed. I lost track - not that I ever really took any care to pay attention to begin with. The nurses, I could tell, were getting just as sick of this as I was. Maybe I'm just imagining things... they are professionals, after all. But whatever... besides them, I'm alone. It's not like I _talk_ to them, or anything like that, so I'm basically alone - _mentally_ alone. That's a good term for it. I'm bereft of genuine human contact. And it's supposed to go on like this for... what, a few months? Fuck.

But, I wake up one morning to see an unfamiliar face - a doctor, whose name tag indicated his name is Dr. Wu. He looks Chinese, probably is.

"Ah, Ms. Futagawa! I'm very pleased to see you are doing well."

His Chinese accent confirms my suspicions... oh, wait, jeez. That all made it sound like I was bothered he's Chinese, didn't it? No, no, no, it's fine. I'm not racist, I swear! Besides, I hear doctors that come to Japan from China are some of the best we have... alright, I should probably just stop talking. It doesn't matter that he's Chinese, what matters is that he's a doctor and he probably has something important to say.

"Uh... t-thanks, I guess..." I say.

"Our initial predictions of your recovery time indicated we wouldn't be able to let you out of the hospital for several months... however, those estimates were made based on the nutrition you had in your system at the time. In your time at the hospital, you have been given constant access to three meals a day, and so your body's systems have improved significantly."

The hospital food wasn't terrible... I mean, it was nothing _super_ special, but it was better than what I got at home - usually nothing, sometimes scraps of takeout or fast food dad brought home. But according to Dr. Wu, it's done wonders for me.

"Your wounds have healed significantly. We're expecting that by tomorrow, we can help you begin to walk again. We're still making preparations and signing some documents, so while I'd like to have started today, we'll have to start tomorrow. But I'll give you a run-down of what to expect."

A run-down of what to expect...? What, is this physical therapy? Jeez, I didn't think I'd ever go through that until I was old - not that I'd ever expected to get older than 18 before, anyway.

"Since you've been in bed for so long, we'll have to run through walking with crutches... we'd like to get you out of those casts as soon as possible, but it's not feasible at the moment. We may even have to wait until March for that..."

March...? Wait, what month is it? February? No, almost... it's January 30th.

"Anyway, we'll have to run you through walking with crutches. Depending on how well that goes, we may be able to run immediately into doing daily tasks with those casts on... if it goes poorly, however, we'll have no choice but to continue on that lesson. I want to stress, Ms. Futagawa, that there is no shame in not picking it back up immediately. It's already been two weeks since you last walked, so it's completely understandable if you can't grasp it immediately."

I've noticed that I tend to cringe whenever people call me "Ms. Futagawa," which... yeah, _technically_ it's my name, but having heard _Ichiban Futagawa_ 's name so often, it's driving me crazy just hearing that surname.

"Anyway, that's effectively the gist of the program. The instructor we have is Etsuko Nakasone - I've seen her work with patients before, and may I say she is very gentle, and very caring. I believe you two will get along quite well."

I scoffed, internally. "Getting along" with a medical professional, whose worked with scores of patients? Whose job is as fun and exciting as helping people walk again? I get Dr. Wu has to put in a good word for his associate, but c'mon... he can at least be realistic.

Well, the next day, I get to meet this "Etsuko Nakasone." She shows up pretty early in the morning, not too long after I get up. She's a pretty tall woman, probably around Yuri's height, if a bit taller, with her black hair tied into a high ponytail. She's... pretty physically fit. I'd call her hot, but... I have my eyes set on Yuri. Plus, the age difference...

"Hello! You must be Natsuki," Nakasone said, directing my full attention towards her.

"Yeah... I'm Natsuki," I said. I didn't catch it at first, but she didn't call me "Futagawa." Does she have some sort of understanding of my situation...? Or, more likely, she just calls everyone by their first name.

"Well, I understand things are tough right now, but as a physical trainer, I think the best course of action right now would be helping you get up," She said.

Pssh, as if getting out of bed could be _that_ hard...

Which, as it turns out, it is.

"F-Fu-" I catch myself before I let out the most cursed of all swear words in front of Nakasone.

She giggles at me. "Don't worry, you can swear. I won't reprimand you," She said. I sigh. Well, I guess if she says so...

"F-Fuck!" I exclaim, almost falling out of the bed. With my leg in a cast, and my other leg weak from lack of use, a simple task like this has become utterly fucking impossible. I guess this is what Dr. Wu meant yesterday.

"C'mon, easy does it..." Nakasone says, gently lowering my legs onto the floor. A nearby nurse grabs a pair of crutches and brings them so my side. As soon as I'm on the floor, Nakasone grabs them and hands them to me. Jesus, why does this have to be such a herculean task...?

"Alright! You're on the floor, good. Now I want you to try to take a step forward - do you know how to use crutches?"

"Yeah, vaguely..." I said. I'd never used them before, but... I've seen people use them on TV? I think Noriakyoin used them once in _Moondust Crusade_...

"Well, give it a shot. Remember, I'm right here."

"A-Alright..." I said, taking a big step forward...

And immediately I died.

Well, okay, I didn't _die_. But it felt like I was dying when I fell over. But fortunately, I guess, Nakasone caught me before I hit the floor.

"Woah, there! Easy!" She said, as if I were a horse or something.

"J-Jeez, uh... I-I'm fine," I grumble.

"Listen..." Naksone said as she stood me up. "The fact of the matter is that getting you into walking and doing normal stuff is gonna be a long process. It's gonna require a lot of effort from the both of us. I understand wanting to get back into things quickly, but if you have patience, you'll actually get done faster."

I don't recall saying _anything_ about wanting to get done quickly, so I don't know _where_ the hell she drew that conclusion from. But... I think about it... I think about _Yuri_.

This is exactly what I intended... I... I wanted meeting Yuri again to be special. And now, I have to work towards it as a goal... the sooner I get done with all this physical therapy shit, the sooner I get to see her again... I think of her soft cheeks, her gorgeous eyes, her perfect, kissable lips, her flowing, purple hair, her large but supple breasts, her round, squishy butt, her _ungodly_ thick thighs... g-god, s-she... I...

_I need to see her again._

But as Nakasone said... patience will make this faster.

With a fire of determination lighting my soul into action, I look at Nakasone with a firm confidence I haven't felt in... well, probably ever.

"I... alright," I said.

Nakasone smiled. "Alright! Then let's get you walking!"


	24. Imagined heartbreak

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wherein I wallow in misery.

I felt... like we had something.

I hadn't deluded myself to the point where I believed she was _in love_ with me, or anything to that effect. But I... I... I-I felt like we had something... s-something special...

I desperately awaited the text. _"Sorry about that earlier, Yuri... I wasn't thinking clearly :("_

Nothing. _"My bad, that was a big joke earlier... probably should've made that clearer :p"_

Nothing. _"Yuri I'm sorry, pls come back, I was being dumb"_

Nothing. _Nothing._

I sobbed into my pillow, curling up into a ball. I... I felt like I've lost... e-everything... I... I've only recently discovered how I feel about Natsuki... a-and now... e-everything I had with her... h-has been violently r-ripped away from me...

It... I-It's a j-joke, right... N-Natsuki? I-It's all a big joke... j-just another dumb joke... I... I-I...

I can't think. I... I can't breathe. She... I...

 _Why_...

I... can't.. cope with this... I-I... I can't find a way to rationalize it... w-well, I-I can, but... I... I can't find a way to rationalize how I feel... b-betrayed? N-No, I... I-I'd never want to force Natsuki to want to be around me. Betrayal is too high for me... s-sorrow is accurate, but... I-I... h-heartbreak...?

Heartbreak...

It... felt oddly accurate... I-I... N-Natsuki and I obviously never had anything romantic, but... I-I still felt as if I'd been broken up with... i-it, I-I... I wanted more with her... I wanted to experience more... I-I wanted to do things with her, spend time with her outside of school... g-go places, do things... f-fall in love, perhaps even share a kiss... b-but she... I-I... obviously I was... sorely mistaken, in the assumptions I'd made about the future, and how she felt about me... a-at least she cared enough to try to _lighten the load_ , so to speak, of bad news today, by telling me all these wonderful things about myself, b-but really, she... s-she just wanted me out of her sight...

I sobbed quietly into my pillow, clutching it tightly with my two hands. The bandages Natsuki had wrapped around my arm stood firmly in place, but... for how much longer? How long can I resist tearing away the heirloom that reminded me so much of Natsuki... h-how long can I resist... _f-feeding the raccoon_...

N... Natsuki... I...

I know I love her... I know I do. My instincts told me I did, I-I... everything we'd been through, told me I did. Everything she's done for me, every feeling I felt when she talked to me, when I saw her... every fiber of my being screaming at me to be near her... everything about her, and I, told me that I... loved her. And I wanted her to love me. But she... s-she didn't... want me. T-That much was made evident by what she said... s-she'd said that she wanted to feel something when she saw me. But that meant she felt _nothing_ when I was around, w-which... I-I... I-I suppose I was just... "bread dough," as she put it... I was bland nothingness. To what end did I exist..? I-I wanted Natsuki, but... she felt nothing towards me. She... s-she didn't... w-want me.

She... didn't want me.

I said it to myself, in some vain effort to achieve some sort of acceptance, b-but... I only cried, mashing my face deeper into my pillow. If only I would suffocate myself doing this... perhaps, I would pass out, or even die... but if I died, I-I... I would only break things further... a-at least I can recognize that... b-but Natsuki, N-Natsuki... I-I...

Natsuki, I...

 _I wish you would say you loved me_...

This is the last thing I think before I give up rationalizing anything... quietly do I sob myself to sleep.

* * *

3:44 AM, on Friday, January 26th, 2018, is when I wake up. Immediately, I'm reminded of Natsuki. But it's a notification on my phone that wakes me, not Natsuki... if only...

I check my phone. Whoever is messaging me at 3:44 AM is... well, I don't know...

MC. How... did he have my number?

_"Hi. Sayori gave me this number."_

That message was sent at 9:56 PM, well after I went to sleep. The one sent just recently read as follows:

_"I wish I know you better. It sounds weird to say, especially given the time, but you interest me. I feel like there's a lot to your personality. I'm not hitting on you, I have a girlfriend. But I'm not good at this sort of thing, talking to people. This isn't even how I normally text. I want to talk to you, I feel like we both have unpleasant things buried."_

He... was typing. Typing a new message.

_"I'm sorry if I'm making a stupid assumption here. I'm just tired and I wanted to be honest. I want to get some stuff off my chest, stuff that's really haunting me right now."_

I sighed. I... perhaps talking to MC will do me well. I... I was still grieving over Natsuki, s-so... perhaps a distraction is in order.

_"That's fine. I'm awake now, anyway. Perhaps this could be healthy for the both of us."_

_"Ok. Should I call you? Or is text fine? Or would you rather wait until tomorrow?"_

I sighed. It was almost 4 in the morning, a-and... I-I lacked the composure to talk about anything right now... it would only fall back to Natsuki... o-oh, Natsuki...

I allow myself a crying spell before I return MC's message.

_"I leave the decision up to you."_

He takes a second to decide.

_"My baggage is important, very heavy. I'd rather confess it in person."_

_"Very well. Tomorrow it is, then."_

_"See you then. Sorry for messaging you at a time like this."_

_"Dw ab it"_

Heh... _Dw ab it_. A colloquialism Natsuki had taught me...

O-Oh, Natsuki... I... I-I'm... I'm going to miss seeing you smile, seeing you happy... I-I...

I sob myself to sleep for the second time tonight.

* * *

"Yuri..." Aoi said, trying to comfort me as I cried into the lunch table.

"I... I... I-I just..." I croaked out, between sobs. "I-I... I wanted her to tell me it was all a joke... I-I wanted to hear that she wanted to see me, b-but... I-I... I ruined it, t-this is my fault..."

Aoi sighed. "Natsuki... huph... she isn't mad at you, she doesn't hate you, nothing like that, she... just... she just wants to have a reason to see you - er, that sounds bad.... She wants it to feel special when she sees you again, y'know? That's all... and that's not so bad, right?"

"I-I... s-she... s-she..."

"Based on what I've heard what she's said, that's my rationalization... and it sounds pretty right, Yuri. She just... she feels like everything's blending together into a bland sort of... loop of time, yes, yes, and she doesn't want you to be caught up in all that sort of... boringness, I suppose. A-And she doesn't find you boring! B-But... I... I don't want you to take this as Natsuki 'breaking up' with you. She doesn't hate you... in fact, she'll be _thrilled_ to see you when she gets back... that's all, 'kay?"

"A-Aoi..." I sat up, looking at her. I hadn't stopped crying, but at least I could croak out a sentence now. "You... y-you hate stalkers... r-right?"

Aoi nodded, slowly and hesitantly. "But Yuri-"

"I... I only bring it up because, I... believe I'm m-much too dependent on Natsuki... I believe I overstep my boundaries regarding her, a-and... a-and I crossed the line one too many times. I believe I ruined this for myself... i-it's my fault s-she's pushed me away..."

"Yuri..." Aoi smiled at me. "You're not a stalker... I know what a stalker looks like. It... it's not you, yes, yes."

"B-But, I-I..."

"Yuri... do you want to hear about a _real_ stalker?"

I looked at Aoi inquisitively.

"U-Uhm..."

"I only ask because I _know_ if I tell you this story, you won't consider yourself a stalker anymore."

"I..." I... I wasn't sure what to think...

Aoi sighed. "I'm going to tell you, anyway... I think you need to hear this."

Aoi lifted up her shirt to above her belly button, a-and before I could react with shock, I-I saw... what looked like... a-a gunshot wound?

"A man shot me here - my former stalker. I only remember that his given name was Norifumi."

"I-I..."

"It's a bit of a long story, and I've already told it to Natsuki, so I guess I'll give you sort of an abridged version... b-but anyway, this kid, Norifumi... h-he would follow me. He would... well, _stalk_ me, yes, yes. He followed me to class, in the halls, to my house, h-he tried to break in once... and, well one day, he... succeeded. He broke into my home when my parents were away, and... a-and, he shot me. Once. He shortly after turned himself in, a sobbing mess... _that_ is a stalker, Yuri. You... you're not a stalker, yes, yes. You just care about Natsuki."

"I-I..."

"C'mon, Yuri, for once don't debate me about how terrible you think you are... I want you to look me in the eye and tell me you accept that you're not a stalker anymore."

I looked her in the eye, a-and I... I tried, b-but...

"I-I am... not... I-I am not... I-I... a-at the moment, I'm not a stalker, b-but I... I don't want to-"

"Please," Aoi said, not pleading, but... just upset. Disappointed, even... a tone I'd come to dread.

"I..."

I wanted to say I wasn't a stalker... I _really_ wanted to. A-And I'm not... n-not right now... b-but that's only because I can recognize the signs of a stalker, but as Aoi once asked... does a stalker every truly change? How long will I last... how long will I last before I become delusional, I start ignoring the signs, a-and... I-I'm right back to where I was...

I realized I'd started panicking, so I calm myself down with some deep breaths... Aoi squeezes my hand to try to help me feel better.

"I... I d-don't feel like there's truly any way for me to distinguish between real... _f-feelings_ , a-and obsessive behavior... I... u-until I stalked Natsuki, I... I-I'd never felt any sort of romantic attraction to anyone before... b-but because _that_ was my first love, i-it... i-it's all I know... s-so my brain, i-it'll always go to those _unspeakable_ behaviors as a basis for love, s-so, I-I..."

I tried to rationalize what I was feeling, but... it all came out so muddled, and silly, it... none of it felt right to say. Was that how I felt...? No, no, I... I-I don't know how I feel. All I know is that I feel... distraught, depressed...

"Yuri, you... that's... well, it's silly," Aoi told me, looking me straight in the eyes. "That's not really how it works, yes, yes. You have no reason to worry about it... you're a smart person, right? I know you are, yes, yes. So please, think about it logically."

The bell rang.

"Ahf, Yuri..." Aoi said to me, standing up. "I trust you. Two and a half weeks ago, it would've been unthinkable. But... I trust you now. Please, even if just based on that evidence alone, I want you to realize that you're not a stalker anymore."

I stood up, unsatisfied. "I-I... t-thank you..."

Aoi sighed. "Well, uhm... s-see you tomorrow, yes, yes."

I nodded and waved her goodbye, walking off to my sixth period... I feel nothing but pure... grief, during sixth period today. And again during seventh. Eighth is better, but... I... I-I can't focus on school. I-I simply can't, I... I'm going through too much... I... I need time to process what's happened to me. Or distractions, I suppose... but school topics made inadequate distractions, a-and so I've... I-I've mostly dissociated today. I-It's the only way I can think of to cope...

But perhaps a better distraction will come in the form of the literature club. Literature, poetry... my favorite things... but it's rather a member of the literature club in particular who distracts me first.

As soon as I'm about to approach the door to the literature club, MC approaches me.

"Y-Yuri..." He said, and suddenly I remembered what he told me last night - or rather, this morning...

"O-Oh, uhm, MC... hello..." I said waving to him.

"I-I, uh... I-I'm sorry if I kinda... p-put you on the spot. I-If you don't wanna talk, that's fine, s-so, u-uh..."

"No... that's fine," I said. "I... it can't hurt."

He nodded. "Uhm, okay then, s-so... I-I guess let's just go to that empty room right by the literature club room..."

"Empty... room?" I asked.

"Y-Yeah, the empty room... you've never heard of it? I-I've never been myself, b-but I've seen people just kinda... come in and out of there during the school day. S-So I guess it's not in use."

That... didn't quite seem like evidence that the room wasn't in use. But... I suppose I can trust MC.

"Uhm, alright, then..." I said, as he lead me to the room in question. It was spacious, save for the odd chair and desk. MC and I sat across from one another.

"I-I, uhm... I... I've dealt with... a lot of stuff. And... I... it's... t-this is gonna sound really weird, but... I-I felt like... I-I really connected with your poetry. And so, I... I-I wanted to... t-talk to you, about this... I-I'd talk to Sayori, but... w-well, she's... been dealing with a lot. I've been trying to keep her happy, so this sort of thing, I-I guess... i-it wouldn't help. Plus, she... I-I can't imagine how she'd think of me, i-if I told her about all... this. I-I mean, she knows a few details, b-but... nothing major. I-I... I..."

He sighed, and I merely listened as he went on.

"My... I-I... I used to be... a-a different person. I dyed my hair black, I always wore these stupid yellow contacts I begged my parents to get for me... I... I-I was... just a really bad person, in middle school. Sayori and I fell apart, then, a-and... a-at the time, I... I-I really didn't feel bad about it. I... was awful. I did horrible, terrible things... I... I regret who I was. And so... when I got through it all, I... I-I changed my name."

"You... your name?" I inquired, hoping to contribute something to this.

"Y... Y-Yeah. My birth name isn't Masaaki Chidori... I... i-it's a better name for me, I..." He smiled lightly. "I-I always feel a little happy when people call me 'Masaaki' or 'MC...' i-it feels like I've really accomplished something. Sayori was quick to accept the change... b-but yeah, MC wasn't always my name. I... when I was a kid, I went by NC... I-I went by my birth name..."

"U-Uhm, I... I-I don't want to force it out of you, if it makes you feel comfortable, b-but... c-can I ask...?"

He seemed to get the gist of what I was asking. "N-No, it's fine... I-I should get used to saying it, right...? I-If I want to... m-move past who I was... m-my birth name, i-is..."

He adjusted his collar, visibly uncomfortable at the mention of his birth name. The poor boy...

"I-It's... Norifumi."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, normally I don't leave notes, so as not to break the story, but... I feel like my writing is getting worse as the story continues. I want to have that sort of spark that I had when I wrote what I consider really good chapters, like chapter 8 or 13... I feel like my last "good" chapter was chapter 18. I don't intend to discontinue the story or go on a break or anything like that, I just want honest thoughts... compared to chapters you thought were good, where do I stand now? I want feedback, so hopefully I can get back to where I was then. I just want that sort of spark again.


	25. Who I was ~ Who I am

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wherein I talk to MC and try to stabilize my emotional state.

Nori... fumi?

"Y-You... y-you said Norifumi... r-right?" I said, quivering at the sound of that name... t-that name...

"Uhm... y-yeah."

I sighed, now shuddering. "Uhm, d-do you... do you know anyone named... Aoi Hachisaka, by chance?"

MC looked off to the side, hiding his eyes with his bangs.

"I-I... I-I haven't heard that name in a while..." He said, his voice shaky.

"So... you... y-you..." He... MC was... t-the stalker, the one who shot her...

"I... yes, I-I... y-you must've heard the story, then... I-I... i-in middle school, I... was a different person. I was cold, and uncaring, and selfish, a-and I was... deluded - psychotic, even. I... I hate that name, Norifumi. I... I hate it. I never expect forgiveness for what I did, but... I... I just want to leave it behind, I-I just want to be _free_..."

With his voice getting shaky already, MC broke down into tears at the end of his sentence. I... h-he... h-he used to be a stalker... I...

"Uhm, MC, I-I..." I took a deep breath in. "I... a-also, used to be a stalker..."

He looked up at me, teary-eyed. "R... Really?"

I nodded. "I... I never did anything so drastic as shoot someone, but, uhm... f-for about the first week and a half of December, I... I s-stalked Natsuki. I followed her around, I watched her, I-I even wrote love poems about her - which, may I add, were _terrible_ ," I said, adding that line about how terribly my obsession poetry about Natsuki was in a hope to lighten the mood. MC, still teary-eyed, smiled weakly at that line.

"B-But, y-you know... I-I never... I never felt like I recovered from that... I-I feel like I could relapse at any moment... e-everything I do is based around _not_ being who I was back then."

"I... I felt much the same way, for a really long time. It seems you know my story up to a certain point, but, after I..." He swallowed, the information clearly an emotional strain for him to recount, "I... for a period of months, I-I just... didn't interact. With anyone, anything; I was just... quiet. Silent. It... i-it was... I... was so depressed, I... I-I didn't see the need to interact with anything, I-I just felt... empty.

"My family isn't rich, but they got me a decent lawyer who successfully had me announced not guilty on basis of insanity, so I was sent to a therapist. And when I didn't say anything to them, they sent me to another, and another, and another... this, for months. I... I just never said anything to any of them, because... I-I felt empty, devoid of any positive emotion, utterly convinced that no positive experience could ever have an effect on me..."

He wiped away slowly-forming tears with his sleeve.

"B-But then... I-I was sent to Dr. Hijikata. A relatively young therapist, who... changed my world view. He... h-he got through to me. He... understood me. He didn't try to convince me what I did was wrong - he knew that I already knew it was wrong. He... h-he got to me. He... pulled me out of where I was. Thanks to him, I dyed my hair back to its natural color, I finally threw out those stupid yellow contacts... I started wearing lighter colors to physically signify the change. I... I-I felt amazing, under him... b-but I made the mistake of... f-falling in love with my therapist. At the time I thought I was gay, later realized I was just bisexual, b-but... w-when it got out, I... I kinda relapsed into that... dissociative state, the one Dr. Hijikata pulled me out of to begin with... I was sent to another therapist, never to see Dr. Hijikata again... the new therapist was just okay, s-so she was able to help pull me out of that relapse state I fell into when things got out about Dr. Hijikata. But for the majority of my life past the... i-incident, shall we say... I-I never felt that I was... worth anything. I never felt like I had anything to be appreciated, that... t-that if I didn't do everything exact opposite of what I did then, I... I-I'd fall back into who I was."

His experience at that point sounded... oddly similar to mine... put perhaps it's a common theme in all reformed stalkers.

"Really, it wasn't until I reconnected with Sayori over winter break that I... I-I actually felt that life was genuinely worth living. When I felt myself falling in love with her, I... I didn't want to relapse, I felt like if I fell in love, I... I wouldn't be able to help myself from watching her. But... I... she... w-when I came clean about everything, when I told her about what I'd done, w-what I'd been through, she..."

He smiled at pleasant memories, wiping away his tears.

"She told me she loved me. A-And from that moment on, I... I've never felt I want to be away from her again. Sometimes I worry that feeling is something a stalker might feel, but... Sayori assures me she feels the same way. I... I'm happy I met her again, a-and I'll always curse myself for casting her aside in middle school."

When MC finished, I realized that tears were rolling down my cheeks, dripping down onto my chest.

"Uhm... I-I... I feel like... I... I-I felt like... Natsuki and I, uhm... _h-had something_ , so to speak. W-We never had anything romantic, b-but I... I-I felt like our bond... t-transcended friendship, as pretentious as that sounds..."

MC shook his head. "No, no, i-it doesn't sound pretentious at all, I promise."

I nodded. "W-Well, I... y-yesterday, I... w-well, you were there. You and I met with Natsuki, b-but... a-after you left, she... s-she told me to stop visiting. So that when she came back and saw me again, it'd feel... special. But I... I feel like it's just a cover story. Like she... s-she doesn't actually want to be around me, and that she's only trying to spare my feelings... I-I..."

I shuddered, unable to continue as tears flowed down my cheeks more freely.

"I... I feel like that a lot. Sayori does, too. I know you and Natsuki aren't... _together_ , or anything, but... Sayori and I, we're... w-we're honest with each other. We... w-we talk to each other about these things. The only person who's ever convinced me that I truly deserve Sayori, and that she loves me, is... Sayori. I... I-I wish I could tell you there was some sort of magical solution that made things better. But really, I... w-we just talk about it. And I usually gain a better understanding from her."

I nodded.

"I-I, y... you're right. S-Should I just... text her?"

MC shrugged. "Really, it's up to you... I mean, would you rather do that? Or call her? Or even go meet up with her in person?"

"I... I-I'm not sure, b-but... I know I shouldn't meet her in person, since she specifically requested against that..."

"Well, I still leave it in your hands. The situation... is probably better left in your hands. You certainly know a lot more about it than I do," He says.

I nod. "I... t-thank you, MC..."

He nodded. "Well, uh, about a third of club time has passed, so, uh I guess we should get back to the club room..."

I nodded. "Uhm, does Sayori know...?"

"Yeah, she knows... she won't think I was cheating on her or anything. She... trusts me."

I smiled. "How pleasant..."

MC smiled back at me. "Sorry if I kinda forced you into a heavy spot... I-I just felt like getting this sort of thing off my chest. Plus, it can't hurt to get to know my fellow club members better..."

"Please, don't worry about it... and I agree, it's better for all of us that we know one another better."

"Though..." MC mused, as we exited the empty room. "Uh... what's the deal with Monika?"

"Hm? 'The deal?' What do you mean?" I asked, unsure what he meant.

"W-Well, I mean... s-she acts kinda... plastic. She always has that smile on her face, it honestly... k-kinda creeps me out. S-Sorry if I'm being rude, or jumping to conclusions or anything like that..."

I waved off his concerns with a simple hand gesture. "Please, don't worry, MC... I... I-I've been wondering what's going on with her, too. She wasn't like this before, she was... just one of the girls. But I don't know what's gotten into her... s-something's... different."

"Yeah, I guess... I dunno," MC said, walking into the club room shortly before I do the same. I look over to see Sayori huddled into the corner, a sight to which MC reacts by rushing over to her. I look over to my right to see Monika at the teacher's desk, as usual, smiling at me as I walk in.

"Hello, Yuri," She said, chipper and smiling. I waved meekly at her and sat down at a desk.

Why... w-why was Monika acting like that, if Sayori was just sitting in the corner, depressed? What... w-what's going on?

* * *

I stared blankly at my phone, looking over the last message between Natsuki and I. It was a message I'd sent on Wedndesday.

_"I look forward to seeing you tomorrow, Natsuki. :)"_

Heh... Natsuki had gotten me into the habit of adding smiley faces when I was happy. Perhaps if I tried that now...

I rolled over, grabbing my journal and opening to my latest entry. At the bottom of the page, I drew a smiley face.

It didn't make me feel any better.

And so I sighed, rolling back over and covering my eyes with my forearm. It was fortunate I hadn't cut in the wake of Natsuki and I's... _disaster_ , sounds appropriate. But... it was a small accomplishment. Despite what MC had said, I... I don't feel the courage to talk to Natsuki. I... I-I can't do it. His and I's situations are different, anyway... he talks to someone he loves, and knows loves him, for reassurement. That's wonderful, and I often wish I had that, but... I didn't. And Sayori had never told MC that she wanted to be away from him, so that she could "feel special" when she saw him again... augh, I'm sounding spiteful. I don't mean it in that way, but I... I still feel that there are insurmountable differences between MC and I's respective situations... Natsuki doesn't want to see me, so there's no reason she would want to talk to me. And I couldn't violate her wishes like that...

But this all feels vaguely familiar... the way I felt for more than a month. That I was a spectator, an outsider who simply had to sit on the outside and accept that Natsuki hated me... that was how I felt after she called me out, after she forced me to stop stalking her, after she... put me in checkmate.

So... things are returning to "normal" then... that's what this all is. In the wake of the incident, I... I-I felt a contentment that my neither role in Natsuki's life, nor Natsuki's role in mine, were threatened to be upended. But I was wrong... things were going to return to the way things were before Natsuki found out about my cutting. I was so content with it before, but I... I-I... it felt so broken, so empty now... like this was the way things shouldn't be.

I cried into my arm, and then into my pillow. It seems I'm just... not strong enough to overcome this. I'm not strong enough for anything... I-I...

I sniffed, sitting up in my bed. Perhaps writing will make me feel better...? I-I don't know... I-I... if there's anything I can do to try to alleviate my pain, I-I'll... I... huph, it all seems so futile...

* * *

1/26/2018

I'm going to have to coexist with Natsuki, again, in the same way I used to.

I'm sobbing as I write this sentence, because I don't want to believe it. I want it to not be so. But... it would seem, my dear journal, that things must be this way.

I'm bad at this... other people seem to be able to force themselves to accept something just by willing it to be so, by declaring it final and having that be that. But I... I'm bad at it. Every time I try to tell myself that it's true, I only cry and cry and cry. I used to cut, but... even if Natsuki is done with me, I can't break my promise to her.

My dearest journal, I fear for Natsuki's return. I fear that everything I suspect will come true. I fear that when Natsuki returns, she'll be... completely indifferent to me. She'll treat me as if I weren't there. I fear that things will return to the way they used to be. I fear the truth, and I fear the future.

Ever since I was young, the most positive emotion I felt was a satisfied contentment, an engrossment in stories. Reading was the only thing that kept me afloat, and eventually writing, too. Eventually, cutting became a way for me to cope with overwhelming negative emotion. But I honestly believe that the time I've spent with Natsuki has been the only period where I felt genuinely, healthily happy. It's not an obsession, as it was when I stalked her, but it's a healthy love I feel towards her, and it elates me to feel this way. I don't want it to end, which is why I fear the future - because all good things must come to an end. And it seems my era of good feelings is already ending.

I'm sorry for staining your pages with tears. In writing, I have always come off as calm and intelligent, when rather the opposite is true. I'm a mess, brooding in my own self-pity, sorrow, and unrequited love for Natsuki. I don't want to do anything. But fortunately, today is Friday, so I have the weekend to look forward to. A weekend of self-pity, self-hatred, and emptiness.

I apologize for the way things are, my dear journal. And I apologize to you, Natsuki, for boring you, for obsessing over you.

I bid you adieu.


	26. Home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Where I make myself at home, I guess.

I think... my "bread dough" is about to baked into a beautiful loaf.

Ugh, that was a pretty stupid metaphor. Blame my hospital-fried brain for that one...

But anyway, today's supposed to be a pretty important day - after about a week with Nakasone, I've been able to make a lot of progress walking. Yeah, sure, I need crutches, but at least I can walk _at all_. Dr. Wu's been telling me how excellent my progress is, yada yada. Apparently my recovery rate is unusual, but that's a good thing, so, uh... cool, I guess. But yesterday, he gave me some pretty good news - I'm gonna get to leave here pretty soon. Apparently, MC's supposed to be picking me up with his family sometime soon. I fucking hope that _sometime soon_ is today. But I gotta get confirmation from Dr. Wu about that...

But speak of the devil - or I guess think of the devil - and he shall appear. Dr. Wu opens the door in the room, knocking on the door only to announce his presence.

"Ms. Futagawa - er, Natsuki. I'm sorry, Nakasone told me about your disposition to your surname. I'll try to be better about that..."

Did I tell Nakasone about that? I... oh yeeaaah, I did. I probably let it slip because I appreciated that she never called me Futagawa... obviously, if I had been thinking straight, I never would've said anything about it, but c'mon... my brain is fucked from all this _bread dough_ and whathaveyou. But I guess it's not really important, and it looks like I'm about to miss what Dr. Wu's saying, so I gotta focus up.

"...but it seems that neither you nor I won't really have to worry about it for much longer," He said, smiling.

Huh? Oooooh, he still going on about how he should call me "Natsuki" instead of "Futagawa." Wait, we won't have to worry about it any longer? What's that supposed to mean?

As if noticing my confusion, he begins explaining what he means - that, or he was gonna explain immediately anyway.

"Natsuki, your condition is excellent. Nakasone has never failed to impress," He added, smiling, "While your bones still require time to heal, walking with crutches has not been a problem. It's only been about a week since your training has begun, but you're already ready to leave the hospital."

H-Hey! I heard that right, right? Y-Yeah! I'm ready to leave the hospital! _Fuck_ yeah!

"Mr. Chidori - the boy, not his father -" He added, chuckling, "should be in here any moment to pick you up. Per his request, he will come into the room alone to get you, and the two of you will walk back to his parents' car. I will stay here for the time being."

I nod silently, containing my excitement as I just wait for MC to show up... well, I guess when I say I'm waiting for some kid I barely know come and pick me up so I can live with him, it sounds considerably less exciting... but damn, I am so fucking ready to be out of this hospital. Today's, what, the 6th? So it's been 3 fucking weeks... well, if my math is right. But honestly, I don't really fucking care about my math - all I want is to be out of this godforsaken hospital.

But, well... speak of the devil, and he shall appear, as MC comes in the door, knocking as he entered. Probably not the best colloquialism, _speak of the devil_ , since given the situation, MC would've been the last thing Dr. Wu told me about regardless, but, well... I dunno.

"Uh, hello...?" MC said, nervously poking his head in the room, looking around before laying his eyes first on me, and then on Dr. Wu.

"Ah, you must be Chidori," Dr. Wu said, giving a trademark doctor smile. "Yes, Natsuki is ready for you... uh, I hope," He said, looking over to me.

"Y-Yeah, I'm ready..." I said, getting up on my crutches. MC fully stepped through the door, revealing his... _interesting_ outfit. He wore a long, gray trench coat, with a collar tightly buttoned to the right - his right, my left - of his neck. It was buttoned that way all the way down to his crotch with white metal buttons, and the cuffs were exaggerated up to midway through his forearm. It made him look weirdly like a European general from the 19th century, but hey, if that's how he dresses...

"Alright, nice... uh, m-my parents are waiting in the car," He said, waiting for me to get over to him.

"Y-Yeah..." I mumbled. In the past few minutes, my excitement to get out of this hospital overpowered my equal, if not greater, fear of meeting MC's parents. I've tried to examine this from a million different angles, and so I'm _probably_ viewing them with, uh... what's the opposite of rose-tinted lenses? Anyway, I'm probably making bad assumptions since, well... the only parental figure I've ever known literally tried to kill me. But there _are_ legitimate concerns... are they the strict-type? Is that why MC wears that Victorian coat? I would be _crushed_ under the authority of strict parents... are they overly-religious? Are they hippies? Are they racists? Are they and unhappy couple because they're only together because they had a shotgun wedding? They could be _literally_ anything under the sun, and I accepted being adopted by them without knowing them and _hoooly shit_ I only just realized that now. I accepted their adoption knowing literally nothing about them, not even what they _look like_.

I looked at MC as we slowly made our way down the hallway - well _I_ made my way slowly, and he slowed down to meet my pace. I get his intentions are good, I don't doubt that, but... Jesus, now I'm feeling nervous about this. I try to steady my now-irregular breathing, but MC noticed and looks over to me.

"Uh, you good?" He asked, stopping in the hallway for me.

"Y-Yeah! I'm fine," I said, trudging along, keeping my concerns inside. Doesn't MC also have a foster brother or something like that? I think he mentioned him, what's his name... Yoshi...? Yoshikage...? Yoshifumi, that's it! And he mentioned that he's an 11 year-old social recluse...

So let's get this straight. I'm about to move in with some kid from school I barely know, his social recluse foster brother, and his parents, who I've never even _seen_. When I put it like that, it sounds pretty shit, but given I'm trying to move forward, I might as well try to shine a light of positivity onto this - _god_ I sound lame saying that... er, thinking that.

Anyway, this 100% has to be better than living with dad. MC's parents certainly won't try to kill me, that's for damn sure. Plus, MC looks decently healthy, so they probably aren't wanting for food. I'll be able to eat reasonably well - I mean, yeah, I've been eating right at the hospital, but the food is just meh. Maybe I can actually have something good, for the first time since... uh, well, before winter break, some idiot dropped a 500 yen coin under the vending machine, so I was able to get a decent snack. But that doesn't really count... whatever, I'll be able to eat something of actual significant quality. I'm not picky, really I'll eat just about anything - except pickles, I fucking _hate_ pickles. But I think I can count on my first meal at a new home, in Fukui Prefecture, _Japan_ , will be pickle-free. But watch me jinx myself...

My thoughts are interrupted by MC speaking to me as we reach the elevator that will take us down to the lobby.

"U-Uh, so, my parents... they went over to your house - er, your old house - a few days ago to pick up some stuff from your room. They mostly just got clothes, your school bag, and some manga. But they wanted to ask if you wanted to back and pick some other stuff up from there..."

I pondered this for a moment. What sort of stuff would they not have gotten? Is it worth going back there and reliving every second of trauma I experienced just in case they missed _Sweet Lipstick?_

Uph... yeah, it is. I gotta finish that story. God damn you, Morisaka.

"Y-Yeah... I'll go," I said, hesitantly.

MC nodded. "I'll let them know... they'll text Yoshifumi about it, he opted to stay at home."

Ah, I see... Mr. Social Recluse stays at home. Now _that_ comes as a shock. (And if you can't recognize my obvious sarcasm there, then... I dunno what to say to you, kid.)

The elevator reached the lobby without incident, and so MC and I set our way towards the door. I'd sped up considerably, since I wasn't lost in thought while also trying to walk, so we got there pretty quickly. As soon I stepped through the doors, I learned just how dark my hospital room was as I tried to get used to the blinding sunlight. But once I got adjusted, I saw two middle-aged people smiling at me in front of a decent black car. Those must be MC's parents.

"Ah, you must be Natsuki!" His dad said, coming over to offer me a handshake. But I _saw_ his expression change into horror at his own actions as soon as he realized I was on crutches, so he awkwardly shifted to bow to me. Truly a smooth guy.

"Ah, Natsuki. How wonderful to meet you," His relatively-elegant wife said, coming up from behind him and nodding to me.

MC's dad was a... well, he looked like the average salaryman. He has black hair styled into a smooth, okay haircut, a deep blue dress shirt, a black tie marked with white lines, and a white blazer over top. He was the sort of person whose eyes always looked like they were closed, which, I mean... okay, I guess. MC's mother is pretty, well... pretty. Her hair is brown, curled at the bottom into a sort of c-shape - you know, the typical sort of housewife haircut. She doesn't really give off that sort of "housewife" energy, though... ugh, here I am talking about energy like I'm a pseudoscientist or something like that. But she just doesn't feel like one, y'know? I guess it's just a hunch that she also works. Whatever, I'm thinking about this _way_ too much...

"H-Hi..." I muttered, forcing some sort of greeting out of me. MC walks up to the car and opens the door for me to enter. It's pretty embarrassing for me to have someone open the door for me to get in a car, and MC looks equally embarrassed to be holding the door open, but I imagine his parents arranged this so that I wouldn't struggle getting in, given my healing limbs. I hide a grimace from MC's parents as I climb in the back, trying to fit my crutches in ahead of me. When all that's through, MC rushes around and gets in the back on the other side, and his parents get in their respective seats, with his dad in the driver's seat.

"S-So, uh... Natsuki said she wants to go back to her old place and get any remaining stuff she wants," MC said.

"Ah, of course! We brought a duffel bag for that just in case... it's in the trunk right now, but when we get there, MC can get it out for you," MC's dad said. It really seems like his parents are working this kid to death, and I feel kinda bad since it's all on my behalf. But MC just nods in agreement, and his dad seems satisfied, so... I dunno, I guess things are okay? Still, makes me feel guilty... I'm not used to people doing things for me. Even with Yuri - who, yes, I do still love to death - I helped her more than she helped me. Heh, of course I never expected or anticipated her to do anything for me, since I never really made any of my issues apparent to her, but... I'm getting off-topic, because as much as I'd like to think about Yuri right now, I _do_ have to focus on MC and his parents, since I'm gonna be living with them from now on.

I turn my head to look over at MC. He looks... vaguely uncomfortable. I'm sure this must be weird for him, having some girl he barely knows move in with him, but... hey, it also feels weird for me to be moving in with a boy I barely know. So hey, how fun is that? Not at all, it's not fun at all. All it means is that everyone - sans MC's parents - is uncomfortable in this situation. I mean, I dunno how Yoshifumi feels, but uh... well, I guess that means just MC and I are uncomfortable. Awesome.

But, if I'm gonna be living here, then the least I can do is at least _try_ to get comfortable with the environment, the people...

But no sooner do I think that, than do I notice the car pulling up to a horribly familiar place... I wasn't used to seeing the driveway from the view of inside a car. My dad never drove me anywhere, much less to home, so I was more used to seeing it slowly come into view as I walked down the road. Seeing it from here felt... alien, unnatural. And of course seeing it at all brought back bad memories... memories of how I could only pray that _he_ wouldn't be there, on the other side of the door, waiting for me to come through the door so he could beat the shit out of me as soon I stepped foot in the house...

I sighed, trying to brush those memories out of my head as I got out of the car. MC's dad tried to help me, but I waved him off - I'm fine getting out on my own. And I guess calling them "MC's parents" is kind of a mouthy way to go about this... I mean, I'm gonna be living with them, right? I can't call them "mom and dad," that's for damn sure, so I guess, uh... Mr. and Mrs. Chidori? That sounds right. Anyway, yeah, I get out of the car without Mr. Chidori's help, and MC comes over with a duffel bag from the trunk.

"U-Uhm... let's go inside, I guess," MC said, motioning for me to follow him. I dunno why it's _me_ following _him_ , since I should probably know the layout of this house better than anyone. Mr. and Mrs. Chidori opt to stay behind, wishing me well as I gradually approached the front door. I dunno why they're seeing me off as if I'm going on vacation or something, it'll just be a quick trip inside to get some stuff, but whatever... I guess they're trying their hardest to be affectionate, since it's my first day meeting them, and they already know what sort of situation I came out of... I appreciate the thought, but it's kinda weird. I hope they eventually just start acting like... normal parents, I guess. Then again, I don't really know what normal parents are like, so... I dunno. You know, I've noticed that a lot of my thoughts are concluding in "I dunno" lately... it's probably because a lot of things are uncertain right now, like how I'm uncertain if I'm gonna be able to stop myself from having a fucking panic attack just by walking through the front door of my old house.

MC holds the door open for me, and while I get his parents probably set him up to do this, it's getting on my nerves a little. I'm sick of being catered on, like I'm some poor, wounded animal... well, to be fair, I _am_ wounded, but I'd like to be treated like a fucking person.

I sigh, and take a single step into the front door, keeping my eyes shut as I do so. But the musty air still hits me just like it used to... t-this sensation, i-it... it hasn't changed one bit. I hate this house, I-I hate being here... t-this was a fucking terrible idea...

_"You bitch! It's 7:30! Seven-fucking-thirty! PM! You said you'd be back in a few hours - it's been seven and a half fucking hours! Do you think I'm a fucking idiot or something? Do you think I'd just be a bumfuck idiot at home, drunk and high off my ass, not noticing you were fucking gone for seven and a half fucking hours?! Is that seriously what you fucking think?!"_

I shudder as the memory of what _he_ had said to me the day I came back from Yuri's house comes to my mind... I try to move myself forward as quick as possible, I don't want to be frozen here any longer than I have to be... but as I get further into the house, only more memories come up. All the times he threw me on the ground, all the times he kicked me in the stomach, all the time he gripped me tightly by the arm and shouted in my face, pushed me down the stairs, all the times he wrapped his hands around my throat and choked me, all the times he swung at my face and delivered a direct, head-on punch, a-all the times h-he... h-he...

I fight back tears as I ascend the stairs, MC now behind. It's for the better than he can't see my face right now, because if he did, he... he'd probably feel really awkward and uncomfortable, not quite sure about how to deal with the situation. I don't want to make MC any more uncomfortable than I'm sure he already is... it's probably just as awkward for him to be doing a bunch of stuff for me, as it is for me to have him doing all this stuff. I should probably mention it to him, since we're away from his parents, but I guess I'll wait until we get to the top of the staircase, since I'm still in the process of calming myself down from the horrible memories...

When we get to the second floor, I turn around and address MC.

"H-Hey, uh..." I started, not _entirely_ certain of where to continue, but with a vague sort of idea. "W-Well, y'know, I... I-I just think it's kinda weird having you do a bunch of... stuff, for me. Y'know, holding doors open, carrying stuff, t-that sort of thing... I-I don't wanna go into this feeling like you're subservient or anything, I-I guess..." I say, I _think_ accurately putting what I'm feeling into words.

"O-Oh, uh..." MC rubbed the back of his neck, clearing relaxing a little as he realizes I have the same general opinion on this topic as him. "M-My dad said I should help you out, since, w-well... y-you have the broken arm and leg..."

I nodded. "Yeah, I get that, but... I-I guess it's making me feel like I can't really take care of myself, a-and, uh..." Jeez, Natsuki, calm down there... what next, are you gonna spill your entire damn life story to him? "You get it..." I concluded.

"Yeah, I... I understand. But still, I mean... _can_ you open on your own right now?" He asked.

"I-I...!" I started to protest, only to realize that no, I can't. It's too much work, given these damned crutches and this broken arm...

"W-Well... no, I can't..." I admit, "But still... i-it feels like I'm being waited on if you rush up and open the door for me while I'm still walking to it... I, uh... I-I guess only help if I ask for it, 'kay?"

MC looked a little uneasy at that proposal, but nodded anyway.

"Alright, cool, then let's go see what I need to get from my old room," I said, closing MC and I's... conversation, I guess? It didn't really feel like a conversation, more of an exchange of ideas... which is exactly what a conversation is, so I guess I've come full circle.

I get to the door and futilely attempt to open it on my own, before turning to MC and realizing how awful a situation I've put myself in, if I'm always gonna have to ask for stuff like this.

"H-Hey, could you..."

Understanding my meaning before I even started speaking, MC walked up and opened the door to my bedroom - sorry, my _old_ bedroom - and followed me inside. Most things seem to have already been collected - the closet is bare, the computer is gone from the desk, probably with a new monitor already set up at MC's place, most of my stuffed animals have been taken, and all my manga boxes are gone, too. But there is some more stuff I wanna take with me...

First off, they didn't get _every_ stuffed animal. I get it was probably in the interest of space or whatever, but they still left a few behind... naturally, I want all of them with me. These guys were my therapists in especially dark times... alright, that sounds a bit sad, talking to stuffed animals for help, but c'mon, I didn't really have anything else at the time... anyway, yeah, all of them are going in the duffel bag.

Once MC gets all my stuffed animals in the bag, I peer behind my computer desk to see if it's still there... yep. Sure enough, behind my computer desk from when my dad threw it, lies _Sweet Lipstick_. Despite my dad's rage, it seems mostly undamaged. I... well, this is the hard part I guess. Obviously I can't reach back there myself, so...

"H-Hey, MC..." I said, beckoning him over. I guess he's gonna find out what I like to read, one way or another...

"C-Could you... r-reach back there, and grab the manga behind the desk?"

MC nodded, even if he was a little confused as to why there was a manga back there to begin with. His confusion only furthers as he confoundedly stares at the cover of _Sweet Lipstick_ after he pulls it out from where he found it. With my good arm, I snatch it from him and throw it in the duffel bag.

"L-Let's keep looking around..." I said, avoiding his gaze as I felt my cheeks get hotter... I guess he was bound to find out I was gay eventually, but this just felt a bit... unfair, like I was cheated out of a cool "coming-out" moment. Not that I really wanted that, anyway... I guess it probably would've just slipped out in a conversation one day, and I'd be fine with that, but this isn't the same as that... huph. But whatever, what's done is done.

After a few more minutes of looking around, I'm satisfied with everything I got out, and so we leave with a kinda full, but also pretty empty duffel bag. I guess Mr. and Mrs. Chidori overestimated how much stuff there even was to take with me...

Anyway, we leave the house and get to the car. As we pull out of the driveway, I smile to myself with a sort of... fulfilled sanctification, knowing that I'll never have to see that godforsaken house, _ever fucking again_.

* * *

I spend the drive to MC's house - er, my new home - mostly just spacing out, looking out the window. Thinking about _Sweet Lipstick_ got me thinking about how I'm gay, which in turn got me thinking about... Yuri.

It's been _way_ too long since I've seen her. But I guess that's the point, right? I remember what I thought at the time... if I don't get to see her for a while, that just makes seeing her again all the more special. Of course, I won't get to see her until tomorrow, but I'm... I-I'm still so excited to see her again! God, I fucking love her... I was worried I'd get bored of her (well, that sounds a bit cruel, but it's the best way I can rationalize it), but now I... I love her _so fucking much!!!_ I'm really happy I get to see her soon, just that thought has really been helping me push through the bad times...

But, of course, my thoughts are interrupted as I notice the movement of the car come to a halt. Before me is a pretty unremarkable house... if I'd passed it on a walk, I never would've thought twice. I mean, it's nice, yeah, a fuckton nicer than my old house, but it's not remarkable in any way. Two stories, a decently-maintained lawn... pretty standard, really. The mailbox indicates the address is 202 Dutch Street...

Wait, Dutch Street? _The_ Dutch Street? The same Dutch Street that Yuri lives one? Huhu, this is getting better and better~

"Alright, here we are! Our little slice of life," Mr. Chidori says, probably blissfully unaware that the phrase he just used is also the name of an extremely broad an enormous genre of anime and manga. But it's probably an expression outside that sort context, anyway.

"Oh, cool," I said, opening the car door - yes, on my own - and stepping out into the lawn. It's getting a little late right now, and the orange-pink from the setting sun contrasts wonderfully from the deep, dark blue of the impending night sky... damn, I really _do_ sound like Yuri now.

Mr. and Mrs. Chidori step out of the car, as does MC, who promptly pops open the trunk and grabs the lightly-filled duffel bag.

"Uh, should I take this to her room now?" He asked. For some reason it hadn't occurred to me until just now that I'd be getting my own room, and a completely new one, at that. I mean, it's not like I assumed I'd be living in the bathroom or anything stupid like that, but it never occurred to me to think about how I'll be getting a completely new living space - a place to return to that was completely different from the one I'd spent the first 15 years of my life in.

"Sure, set it down there and come back to meet up with Natsuki and us," Mrs. Chidori said. MC nodded, quickly rushing inside, duffel bag slung over his shoulder. Despite what MC and I talked about in the old house - about him not acting like a butler or anything - I guess his parents still expect that of him. But like I thought earlier, I think - I hope - it's safe to assume that they'll eventually just start acting like regular parents.

"Welp, ready to see the inside?" Mr. Chidori asked me. I nodded in response, not uttering a word. Mr. Chidori smiled, leading me inside with Mrs. Chidori at his side. I must say, I've gotten the hang of this whole "walking with crutches" thing, and by now my walking speed with crutches is only a little bit slower than my regular walking speed. So, naturally, it doesn't take long to get to the door. MC opens it as soon as I reach it with his parents, and immediately I notice that... everything inside looks pretty nice. I'm first greeted by a hardwood floor hallway, opening up to the left with a living room, decently-carpeted with a nice, red rug, and a darker red sofa. Going further left goes down to a hallway opening up into the kitchen, and to the dining room. To the right, is a hallway which leads upstairs and, presumably, to the bedrooms.

"MC, would you show Natsuki around?" Mrs. Chidori asked. MC nodded, but I'm here left wondering why _they_ asked if I was ready to see the house when it'd be MC giving me the "grand tour." But I guess it doesn't really matter.

Mr. and Mrs. Chidori head upstairs, leaving MC to show me around. It's only when we enter the living room do I notice another living soul sitting there, playing on some sort of DS or something. He's a relatively small kid, wearing a green long-sleeve t-shirt with a beige vest overtop. He just wears typical black pants as a bottom, and his reddish hair is styled in a few small curls, slicked to his right. This must be Yoshifumi, MC's foster brother.

"Uh, hey, Yoshifumi. This is Natsuki," MC said, gesturing to me with his thumb. Yoshifumi looked up from his game, nodding at me expressionlessly, before returning his focus to it. Honestly, that much as a greeting is fine with me right now; I've done a lot today, and I'm perfectly happy to do a quick tour with MC before heading to my new room to relax.

MC turned to me, whispering so that Yoshifumi couldn't hear. "Don't worry, he's just a quiet person; I've talked to him about your moving in, he's fine with it, really."

I nodded; I'd never really assumed that Yoshifumi didn't like me or anything, but I guess MC is just worried about me, which is fine.

MC led me down the hall toward the kitchen, with the dining room not far away.

"This, well, is the kitchen. You know, it's pretty standard... we have a lot of ingredients and stuff. Dinner's in the oven right now."

I nodded, taking note of the wonderful smell emanating from the oven. Smells... western. Delicious. And no pickles, too!

"And, uh, there's the dining room; pretty easy to get from one room to the other."

I nodded, not really having anything to contribute. MC walked us back over to the living room, where Yoshifumi still sat.

"This is the living room, again, pretty standard... there's a TV, and we get a pretty good number of channels, so... yeah, there's that. Oh, and uh, there are 3 bathrooms - er, 4, technically. One's in mom and dad's room, one's right there," He said, pointing to a door in the hallway ahead of us, "And two are upstairs. We have a basement, but it was never finished, so I don't recommend going down there."

"Er, alright... cool, an unfinished basement," I said, giving a thumbs-up in some sort of attempt to contribute something here.

"Y-Yeah, hehe..." MC feigned a chuckle at my lame... not even humor, really, just a _thing_. "W-Well, uh, I guess I'll take you to your room, now."

MC led me upstairs, and down to the end of a hallway.

"This door here, at the way end of the hall, is your room. My room is over this way and to the left," He said, gesturing in... some direction, I'm not really paying attention. I'll figure it out, though. "...and Yoshifumi's room is waayyy down over there," He said, gesturing all the way to the opposite end of the hallway, which turns right. I assume he means after the right turn, but... I dunno for sure. Doesn't really matter, though, since I doubt I'll be visiting Yoshifumi that much anyway.

"Well, uh, I guess I'll let you get settled in..." MC said, fiddling with a button on his coat. "See you at dinner, then."

He walked off, leaving me to open the door on my own. I guess he forgot that's hard for me right now, but really, I'm fine... it's probably better that I learn how to open doors on my own as soon as possible.

When I eventually succeed, I find myself entering a wonderful, fluffy, comfortable room... the walls are painted pink, with the bed - a _double_ bed, no less - in the left corner, with my stuffed animals arranged into a cute display. I have a desk with my computer on it - as I suspected, with a new monitor - and a nice, comfy-looking office chair to sit at it in. The mauve curtains are drawn shut, but opening them reveals a nice look into the neighborhood, and an even better look at the beautiful, still-setting sun. Everything... everything's quite picturesque. I...

 _I love this room_.

I zip open the duffel bag, pulling out my remaining stuffed animals and adding them onto the cute display. Finally, I pick up _Sweet Lipstick_ , prop my crutches up by the nightstand, and plop down into bed. For the first time in weeks, I'm gonna get some good reading in, and for the first time ever, I'm gonna have a nice, fulfilling dinner. And then I'm gonna go to sleep. And then what...? In the morning, I'm gonna go to school, and at school...

I smile to myself, blushing at the thought...

I'm gonna see Yuri again.


	27. Assumptions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Where I make a pretty bad assumption.

It's been a good, long time since I've seen the front of the school. But here I am, walking up to it with MC at my side. Since we're living together now, it's kind of an obligation for us to walk to school together, but since I still barely know the kid, conversation is scarce. Oh, his parents packed us lunch boxes, so that's pretty a "cool parent" sort of thing to do. Well, maybe not _cool_ , but I appreciate it. MC told me that usually he packs his own, but his parents deemed it a special occasion. Thank goodness they made him one too, I'd've been fucking _mortified_ if they packed me one but not him. I mean, I'm not here to take over this guy's life or anything. I'm just here because he offered.

"Well, uh... good luck, I guess," MC said, waving me goodbye as he headed to his first period. I waved him goodbye and sighed, knowing that most of this school day is gonna be fucking _booooooriiiiinnnngggg_. Just standard back-to-school stuff, with the added bonus that I get to have everyone in the entire fucking school staring at me, trying to figure out what the hell happened to me. I trust that the police haven't gone public about this case yet - but honestly, I have no idea. Dad's trial could already have begun, and I'd be none the wiser. But whatever, I'm confident that when he _is_ put on trial, he'll spend the rest of his miserable life behind bars. Whenever that is, doesn't really matter to me, so long as it happens.

But that's... kind of a negative way to start off the day, thinking about that. Even if I do have all the boring shit to go through first, I'll still get to see Aoi in second and third period, and of course... Yuri. I smile a little thinking of her... I guess I'm just a teenage girl with a crush, 'cuz just thinking about her has me cupping my cheek in my hand and blushing... of course, I have to immediately stop in order to prevent my crutch from falling, but the sentiment still exists. Anyway, I gotta get to class, lest I be late on my first day back... oh, jeez, I just said "lest." I'm picking up on things I'm saying that Yuri seems to have gotten me doing. I'm not gonna avoid doing them, it's... charming. You know, since I fucking _love_ Yuri? Er, like... it seems kinda soon to be using that other l-word.

But whatever, I make it into my first period without incident - that being a relative term, considering I _do_ get glances in the hallway, and a bunch of kids in the class look bewildered at me as soon as I step inside. My teacher comes up to me, tells me he'll help me catch up with what's I've missed, and just gestures for me to sit down. And so I do. But, of course, some kids try to ask me what happened... but they're kidding themselves if they I'm telling them _anything_. I don't even know half of these people's names, and so I'm sure as hell not gonna just let them know the serious personal shit that's been going on with me.

But beyond that, there's nothing really left to dwell on with first period. It's never been my favorite class, and Mr. Rai is _meh_ at best. Second period really doesn't have much to offer, either... well, except, of course...

"Natsukiiiiiiiiii~!!" Aoi squealed, running over to me as soon as I was in eyesight. She'd just been waiting outside the classroom door for me, so I guess she was just _really_ excited to see me, which... I mean, it makes sense, I guess. We're friends - like, _really_ good friends - and given her personality, it's pretty logical for her to be this stoked.

"Hey, Aoi!" I said, less energetically, but still with a definite excitement in my voice.

Aoi, unlike Sayori, isn't a particularly physical person, or not that I've noticed, so she runs up to me, clasps her hands together, and smiles a wide, bright grin. I have no doubts that later, Sayori will pummel me with the world's tightest bear hug.

"It's been way too long, yes, yes! I missed you, Natsuki!"

Ah, that characteristic "yes, yes" that Aoi always says for some reason... I'd missed hearing that.

"I missed you too, ya big dummy!" I said, returning Aoi's infectious smile. I was grateful to have her as a friend, because otherwise I'm not sure what I would've done with myself over the past few months. I mean, yeah, I have Sayori, but while she may be my best friend, we don't really get many chances to interact nowadays. Sure, we're in the literature club, but that isn't very much time... it just really sucks that she and I didn't get any classes together - or lunch or free period, for that matter. But despite all that, she's still my best friend.

"So, should we head inside?" Aoi asked.

"Ehhhf, not so quickly... any minute _not_ spent in Ms. Todoroki's class, is a good minute," I remark, reminding myself that one of the things I certainly _wasn't_ looking forward to was meeting my algebra teacher, Ms. Bitch, again.

Aoi laughed at my joke - not a surprise, since she seems able to find pretty much anything funny. "Natsukiiiii, you really seem to have beef with Ms. Todoroki now, don't you?"

I scoffed. "Now? I've had beef with her since, like, _ever!_ It's my _my_ fault she's such a stuck-up bitch!"

Aoi laughed more, evidently taking great delight in my little tirade about Ms. Todoroki. Her laugh was... it wasn't boisterous or deep, usually. It was light, pleasant... it sounded like someone with a golden heart enjoying the pleasures the world has to offer. Of course, that excludes the one time I accidentally mentioned Yuri's breasts... that time, she'd broken into a hysterical laughter that couldn't be suppressed if Zeus almighty tried to drown it out with his mighty thunder bolts. Okay, that might be a _bit_ of a long-winded analogy, but I think I got the point across. What's the point? Oh yeah, Aoi's laugh. It's pleasant, when she's not going overboard.

"Natsuki, Natsuki... _watashi no kawaii Natsuki_ ," Aoi said, mimicking a line from a manga character I liked, "I understand it completely, yes, yes! I may not be quite so open and perhaps _vulgar_ as you, but it'd be a lie to say I don't have a distaste for Ms. Todoroki!"

Speaking of long-winded... jeez, I've never noticed it before, but Aoi can take a while to get to the point.

"But despite all that..." Aoi continued, only proving my point, "I believe that, given the time the bell rings, we may yet have to return to the object of our mutual hatred. What say you, _m'lady?"_ She finally finished, bending down and offering me her hand, in a sort of mock-gentleman gesture. I can't help but giggle at the display.

"Let's go, you big nerd!" I say, moving past her and allowing her to follow me into the class. No sooner do I enter, than the woman of the hour walks up to me.

"Futagawa," Ms. Bitch - sorry, _Ms. Todoroki_ \- said, while simultaneously gesturing for Aoi to go sit down, "Welcome back. Now, you've missed quite a lot, but don't worry - I've prepared a packet for you to complete, which should successfully bring you up to speed with where we are right now."

I nodded, taking the packet from her hand and briefly flipping through it. My first instinct is to respond with a sarcastic _"Wooooo,"_ but I hush my brain - even if that would be genius right now.

Well, you can thank Ms. Todoroki and her packet of wisdom for the fact that Aoi and I barely get to converse during second period. I got a bunch of the packet done, but unfortunately, the reality is that I can't rush this entire fucking packet in one class period. And so, when second ends, Aoi departs from me with a smile and a wave, and so I get to enjoy my unremarkable third period alone. In fourth, though, I get to meet with Aoi again, and Mr. Ebihara is a lot cooler than Ms. Todoroki - that is, he doesn't constantly have a stick up his ass. Aoi and I will actually be able to get a little conversation in; now isn't that fun?

"Natsuki~! It's been too long, yes, yes," Aoi chimed as soon as she saw me.

"'Too long?' It's been _one_ class period," I retorted, exaggeratedly rolling my eyes for effect.

"Tsch!" Aoi emoted, "Well forgive me for missing my friend, who's been gone for weeks!"

I sighed, jokingly. "Oh, you big dummy..."

She grinned at me. "Let's head in, shall we?"

And so we did, filing into class as normal. Mr. Ebihara didn't seem to terribly concerned about how much I'd missed while I was gone - which, by the way, is _awesome_ \- so he just has me sit down and begins class as normal. But Mr. Ebihara being Mr. Ebihara, well... people start to talk. And Aoi and I being people, so too do we.

"So," Aoi says, turning to look at me, "How've you been?"

A bit of a generic question, but also a pretty broad one. I guess I should start with the hospital...

"Well, uh... the hospital was pretty bad. Really, I just felt a mixture of boredom and spite the entire time. Everything just kinda blended together... eventually I had Yuri stop visiting so she wouldn't just become part of the boring daily routine I'd been subjected to. So it was mostly just... nothing. But, towards the end, this physical trainer showed up and helped me get back on my feet - literally, she helped me walk with crutches. And then MC showed up one day, he told me his parents are foster parents... well, he's their biological child, but they have a foster son, as well. And, well, I guess now a foster daughter - me."

"MC?" Aoi questioned.

"Oh, yeah, MC. You wouldn't know him, he's in the literature club."

Aoi shook her head. "Never heard of him."

"Wouldn't think so. Anyway, yeah, yesterday I arrived at his - well, I guess now _my_ \- house for the first time. It's a pretty nice place, not too shabby. My room is _awesome_ , lemme tell ya, his parents got _everything_ perfect. I'm glad that they're so awesome, I was really worried for the time before I met them. So yeah, since yesterday, I'd probably give my mood, like, a 7 or and 8 out of ten. Oh, and how could I omit how excited I was to see you and Yuri again?"

Aoi smiled, but bashfully covered her mouth. "Oh, you, with the flattery!"

I smiled at her, and... well, I love this warm, fluffy feeling. I could get used to this... you know, talking with my friends. They love me, I love them. Heh, if the me from last year could see me now, she'd throw up, huhu. But I enjoy this... spending time with Aoi is nice. But Aoi, as much as I love ya, I gotta say... I can't get my mind off of Yuri. It's been a long while since I've seen her, so naturally, I'm excited to see her again... I remember her so vividly. When I think about her soft, silky purple hair, flowing down her back and over her shoulders, I can almost _feel_ it... when I think about the high-end, flowery perfume she uses, I can almost _smell_ it... when I think about her dark, violet eyes, the windows into a never-ending mystery that only gets more beautiful and complex the more you try to solve it, I... I can almost _see_ them in front of me...

I sigh when fourth period ends. Honestly, it's fine with me... Yuri and I share our free period, so I... I get to see Yuri again... huuh...

* * *

No Yuri. Huh.

I mean, she's probably already in the library... I mean, yeah, usually we meet up outside the library, but it's entirely possible she's just gotten used to going inside without me there. Heh, she'll probably be _super_ flustered when I go in... _"Oh, Natsuki, I-I'm so sorry I went in without you! I-I didn't realize..."_ I smiled to myself thinking about it. The way Yuri acts... oh, that girl can be _soooo_ endearing sometimes. I guess I just have a thing for shy girls... well, _a_ shy girl in particular.

Anyway, I push open the door to the library and head inside to Yuri and I's usual spot. Sure enough, there she is, sitting in beanbag chair, buried in a book. She looks cute, so intently focused on whatever she's reading... she tends to get like that a lot, all focused up on her book. She gets so easily absorbed into what she reads, it's... well, to repeat myself, it's endearing.

I walk over to her, my heart pounding and my breath growing quicker with every step. Yuri... Y-Yuri...

"H-Hey, Yuri," I said, standing over her. She peeked at me, lowered her book to expose her eyes, and I noticed her expression was... genuinely nervous. I... I wasn't used to this anymore. She'd always looked at me like this before we started hanging out, her eyes along betraying her sheer, abject terror at being around not just me, but people in general. T-This... this wasn't just a shy girl. She... was _terrified_...

"H-H-Hi," She quickly sputtered out, covering her eyes with her book just after. I realized, just then, that my face had dropped from a giddy, blushing smile to a wide-eyed expression of shock. I nodded to Yuri, despite the fact that she obviously couldn't see me, and plopped down on one of the beanbag chairs. I just sat there for a second, wordlessly, trying to process my thoughts... o-okay, so... _that's_ how she reacted when she saw me for the first time I came back... I guess I maybe expected something... ah, I-I shouldn't be in the business of expecting things, I guess that's not really my place...

Okay, okay, so... m-maybe she's not necessarily _terrified_ of me. Maybe she's just... a little shy, right now. Maybe things will get back to normal at lunch, with Aoi there... I... I'd like to think that...

With that set in my head, I pull out _Sweet Lipstick_ from my bag and begin reading. I'm pretty far into it at this point, so... yeah, the plot really has thickened. But it's hard to focus on it without looking at Yuri every so often... despite my feelings, not a word is exchanged between Yuri and I for the remainder of our free period. Come lunch, she gets up rather quickly, stuffing her book into her bag. I have to rush to keep up, following her to Aoi at the doors opening out to the cafeteria.

"Heyyy~! _'The gang's all here,'_ so to speak!" Aoi cheerfully greets us as we show up to the door. I wave to Aoi with my best fake smile, and Yuri nods quickly and wordlessly. My gesture seems to do the trick, but Aoi becomes visibly concerned upon seeing Yuri's shyness. Clearly I wasn't the only one who thought something was up...

Regardless, the three of us head outside as normal, but with an uncomfortable, stifling silence consuming the walk. The only sound that permeates the silence is the tapping of our school shoes against the pavement. But once we get to the table and sit down, Aoi breaks the silence - because if anyone had to do it, it had to be her.

"So," She began, "How exciting is it that Natsuki's back? I, for one, am quite happy to see her back again, sitting with us at lunch, yes, yes."

Yuri wordlessly nodded. I tried to distract myself from my concern by saying something.

"Uh, y-yeah... it's definitely better than that god-awful hospital. Everything just kinda... blended together back then. The days became indistinguishable from one another... I told you earlier already, Aoi, but _damn_ was it awful."

Aoi nodded, humming in agreement. Yuri failed to react at all.

"Well, we're happy to have you back now, Natsuki," Aoi said, smiling at me. Yuri, again, said nothing, not even looking at either of us.

I nodded at Aoi, pulling my lunch out of my bag and opening it up to enjoy.

"Ooh~!" Aoi cooed, "How unusual it is to see you with a packed lunch! You never had them before!"

I move to say something, but I can tell from the dropping expression on Aoi's face that she already realizes what's wrong with what she said - she realized the reason I never had a packed lunch. My dad...

"U-Uh-! E-Er! I-I...!"

Huh... I've never seen Aoi genuinely choked up like this. I look over to Yuri, but her head is angled so that her eyes are hidden by her bangs. I probably need to take the first step to calm this situation down...

"Uh... d-don't worry about it," I said, dismissing the issue with a wave of my hand, despite the fact that indeed, I'm worrying about it.

Aoi sighed. "Uh, jeez, Nats... I'm sorry, yes, yes..."

Again, I waved off the issue with my hand. "I'm tellin' ya, don't worry... just forget about it," I said, hoping to end the discussion about what she said here and now.

Aoi nodded, if hesitantly. "Yes, yes, okay," She said, her mouth curling into a small smile to show that yes, we're good now.

Taking the opportunity to eat, I bit into some of my lunch, giving Aoi time to pull her own lunchbox out, with Yuri following not long after. I'd stopped eating so quickly at... well, some point in the hospital. At first, yeah, I ate the _shit_ out of that food and thought it was fucking _delicious_. But after a while, the nutrients started settling in, and I more or less got weaned onto a regular diet. It was around the same time that I realized how _meh_ the hospital food was, so any incentive I had to eat so quickly had vanished. One of the things I like most about getting out of the hospital is that I can eat _actually_ good food now. Mr. and Mrs. Chidori - or probably just one of them, I'm not sure which - seem to have a gift for food.

The three of us eating food creates a comforting silence... but it's not the silence itself that's comforting. The fact that the food has caused the silence is a wonderful comfort... because if we weren't eating right now, we'd be sitting in silence for no reason, with no topic to bring us together. But the food gives an excuse - "oh, we're silent because we're eating." That leaves a better taste in my mouth - no pun intended - than sitting in a sad, lonely silence.

But, of course, food only provides a temporary relief. The curse of this meal is that it is, indeed, fated to end. And so, when it does, the dreaded silence dawns upon us, the three of us sitting alone as a sad, lonely island of isolation. Excuse me if my wording is a bit dramatic, but I feel it accurately represents the way I feel. Of course, I cannot speak for Aoi or Yuri, but judging by their behavior - the constant glances at myself and the other, the awkward shifting, the looking down - I can all but assume that they feel much the same.

I sigh, resting my head against my fist. Even if only for a moment, it punctures the silence among us enough grab both Yuri and Aoi's attention. Aoi looks purely curious, and for the split second that I can see Yuri's eyes, I can from her whole face that she... well, she's upset. _Very_ upset, at that. Sad, even. I'm left to only wonder what's happened... did she... oh, god, did she relapse on her cutting? I-I might be wrong, but that'd make too much sense... why she was afraid to see me earlier, why she's silent now... s-she's ashamed of herself. That must be it! I can't think of an alternative solution, so... t-that must be it... r-right? I... I really hope not, but I think so...

I look over at Yuri again, trying to maintain a normal, pointedly un-shocked expression. I can't see her arms, obviously, nor her face because of her bangs... so I can't be sure. And in all honesty, I _really_ hope I'm wrong about this... if Yuri relapsed while I was in the hospital, I wouldn't be able to so much as live with myself. What if... what if it was my decision to not see her anymore that made her relapse...? Oh, god... I-I...

I sigh again, once more gaining the other two girls' attention. But this one isn't just for effect, it's out of genuine emotion. I...

I _really_ hope Yuri didn't relapse.

* * *

Being that I'm the last person in the literature club, Yuri is naturally already seated and reading by the time I arrive. I look over to her in concern, but no sooner do I arrive than does Monika get up and make an announcement. Of course she has one to make _now_ , when I wanna talk to Yuri...

"Alright, everyone!" She starts off with her usual greeting, "First off, I'd like to give a warm welcome back to Natsuki!"

She gestured to me, and I could see Sayori's eyes light up from the other side of the room. Astonishingly, however, she managed to contain her excitement enough to wait until Monika's announcement ended. MC smiled and waved to me, while Yuri barely looked up at all.

"Now, with Natsuki, I'd like to take a second to remind everyone that the school's Valentine's Day festival is in one week exactly!"

"Valentine's Day festival?" MC inquired. "I didn't know we had one of those... why Valentine's day?"

"Excellent question, MC!" Monika said. "Most schools tend to have special events like this one. Usually, they celebrate the anniversaries of specific events that've happened in the school's or city's history. Nishi Akatsuki, however, has never really had anything quite so historical happen here. So, they just do a festival for Valentine's Day. But what I'm wondering is how you never noticed them to begin with? We have them every year, and there are advertisements for it _everywhere_."

MC rubbed the back of his neck, sheepishly. "I-I guess I never payed much attention to any of that stuff..."

I, myself, was only vaguely aware of the Valentine's festival myself until now. I mean, yeah, I knew _of_ it, since there are advertisements for it everywhere, but I never went. I mean, if the time I came home from Yuri's house is proof of anything, it's that my dad wanted me in the house as early as possible. Attending an after-school festival was a _huge_ no-no. But this year... maybe I'll go. I mean, if the rest of the club is going, then I see no reason not to.

"Anyway," Monika continued, "I had a few things planned with the club. I figured it would be fun to do some things for the festival, considering most other clubs are also getting involved. What do you guys think?"

Sayori, naturally, was the first person to speak up. "Ooooh~! That sounds _super_ fun, Monika! What're ya thinking?"

"Well, given that this _is_ a literature club, perhaps some stand-up poetry?"

Yuri shirks even further into her seat upon hearing that. Personally, I think it's a terrible idea... I mean, name me _one_ high school student who's not only willing to sit through stand-up poetry, but actually _wants_ to. The number is probably pretty damn close to zero. Even _I_ wouldn't, and I'm in the literature club. But Sayori, of course, loves it, much to the chagrin of MC beside her.

"Oh, that sounds super fun! I think that'd be awesome, Monika!"

Not being one to try to hamper Sayori's joy, I concede and try to say something vaguely in support of the plan.

"Y-Yeah, sure..." I managed to push out. Following the trend, and probably so he doesn't upset Sayori, MC nodded and fell in line.

"U-Uh, yeah..." He said. Monika smiled, evidently satisfied with the support she got from the club.

"Well, that sounds lovely, then! Sayori, as vice president, would you please come up here, so that we may discuss possible activities?"

Sayori nodded, apparently distracted enough from my return already to quickly wave goodbye to MC and rush up to the front desk with Monika. I, however, went over to my original goal: Yuri. I'm... I'm not really sure how to approach this situation. What should I say...? I can't well just waltz up to her and ask "Hey Yuri, did you cut while I was gone?" I mean, that'll have to be the gist of it, but I gotta be careful, and I gotta be discrete...

All this thinking leads to me realizing that I'm just standing in front of her, playing with my fingers. I guess... I-I guess I just gotta jump into this, head-first. Might as well...

"Y-Yuri..." I utter, in a hushed tone, "D-Did you... r-relapse... w-while I was gone?"

She briefly looked at me from her book, but just as quickly buried her head back in it. "N-No."

I sighed. I sort of expected this... if Yuri had cut, and she was acting the way she was, then she wouldn't be ready to immediately tell the truth about it.

"Y-Yuri... I-I... I sorta figured it out..."

"There's nothing to figure out..." She affirmed.

"Yuri, I... I'm concerned... I-I mean, if you cut again, I..." I lowered my tone even further as I brought up the sensitive subject, "I... I want to do something... I-I don't want to fall back into being strangers... I..."

She stood up, turning her back to me and going over to her bag. Obviously I can't just leave her behind, so I follow close behind her.

"Yuri... I-I... I care about you..."

Yuri began visibly shaking, and wheeled around at me with an unusual and unnerving emotion in her eye... rage.

"Y... Yuri...?"

"H... H-How _dare_ you?!" She yelled, attracting the attention of the rest of the club. Normally, Yuri would shirk away with all this attention on her, but if she cared, I doubt she'd have yelled in the first place.

"How _dare_ you?!" She repeated, "You... y-you broke off our friendship... you told me to never visit you in the hospital again! You told me I was _boring_ you! A-And then... when you come back, you have the _gall_ to act as if nothing's happened, as if nothing's changed! I-I never did anything, but you pushed me away! And you have the _audacity_ to say that you care about me?! When you couldn't even be bothered to see me?! W... W-What sort of person are you?! Why do you do this?!"

She'd begun shaking and crying by this point, and I could barely keep steady by myself... I-I...

"M-More than anything... more than anything, I hate you! I-I hate you, Natsuki!" She finally shouted, before running out of the room, tears streaking down her face. I... I... I was stunned, utterly... numb. I... she...

I sat down, slowly and shakily, as Sayori came over to me and put a hand on my shoulder.

"I... I-I'll go after Yuri," MC said, rushing out the door. I allowed my self to cry as Sayori held me. I...

Yuri, I... I-I-I'm so sorry... she was right... how could she ever love someone like me?


	28. Understanding

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wherein I try to resolve a few issues.

I scratched at my sleeves. It probably - nay, _certainly_ \- isn't the best way to cope right now. But I'll do anything to keep myself from ripping off the bandages on my forearms... even if I did right now, do I even have a knife on me? I know I have one in my bag, but I don't know if I have one on my person... b-but even if I did, I... I can't relapse...

And why not? Why can't I relapse? To what end did I attempt to quit cutting? To keep healthy? No, if I'd cared about that, I would've stopped years ago... I'm trying to keep clean because of a promise I made to Natsuki. But as of today, Natsuki and I's friendship can now be officially considered to be over. So what purpose is there to keeping this stupid promise? A promise that became increasingly difficult to keep by the second...

I rolled up my sleeve, exposing the bandages that had been in place around my arms for weeks now. They were a symbol of cleanliness, of my devotion to the promise I made Natsuki... but that's all gone now. Everything I had, everything we'd built, it's... i-it's all gone.

I hesitantly pull at the edge of the bandages on my right arm, slowly peeling them away, unraveling them, to reveal hundreds of white bumps and lines across my forearm... my cuts must've healed enough for them to look like this. This appearance, then, must be result of weeks of cleanliness. I start taking off the bandages on my left arm, as well, only to realize that I still don't know if I have a knife on me... I reach for my blazer's pocket and draw from it an ornate, curved-blade knife... oh, thank you, me, for always keeping one on you - er, me...

I finally pull the bandages from my left arm, now having successfully removed both. Seeing my arms with such minimal damage is an unnatural sight, and I must say, I'd quite like to restore some familiarity to them... and so, I begin by pushing the cold blade up against my left arm. Here we go...

I pull the blade to the right, opening a window to the inside of my arm that allows a trickle of blood to come out from beneath the skin. Huuph, hehe... it's been much too long, my old friend... I forgot what I loved about this... I cut again, opening another window. And another, and another... after a certain amount of time, I switch to my right arm. This is possibly the longest I've cut... I stopped timing myself years ago, but I would go unshocked if this was a serious contender... ah, the sheer number of wounds I open is... i-it's exhilarating... despite my being in the open hallway, leaned against the wall, I allow for a moan of ecstasy and pain to escape my lips... I love you, pain...

"O-Oh my god..."

That... wasn't my voice. Who said that? W-Who said that?! O-Oh god, have I been discovered?!

I look up to discover that the one who's found me is... none other than MC. He looks... m-mortified...

"M-M-M-MC! I-I-I-I-I...!" I stuttered endlessly, unable to come up with some sort of excuse or justification he'd understand. To my own shock and disgust, MC vomits on the floor, failing to cover it up with his hand, before he runs over to the men's restroom to wash off. I-I... t-this could well be the end. What will MC do from here...? Will he tell the club? The club will tell the authorities, the authorities will tell my parents, my parents will take my knives and send me off to therapy, from there I'll be sent to a mental ward, and I'll be dead before I reach 20 years old... perhaps this entire incident has been some sort of odd, fated series of coincidences that only ends in my own death. It likely will, one way or another, be it by my own hands or through some sort of accident...

I pace around the hallway, now no longer in any sort of mood to cut. I cut for relief, but this... this is pure disaster. Endless calamity. There is no getting around it, this... this is purely awful. There is no circumstance in which this turn of events was a positive thing to have happened. MC finding out about my cutting is easily the worst thing to happen in recent memory... I-I...

MC comes out of the bathroom, and no sooner does he than do I quickly approach him. I need to do _some_ sort of damage control, here...

"M-MC! I-I, y-you, u-uhm..." I'm not entirely certain what to say, but my thoughts are now more neatly organized than they were before, so perhaps I can at the very least form some sort of coherent sentence. "P-P-P-Please, y-you can't tell a-anyone... I-I-I-I beg of you..."

"W-What else am I supposed to do, Yuri?! I-I..." He put his head in his hand. "I've... I've never seen something like this before. I can't help you, I can't do anything myself, so the only thing I _can_ do is tell someone about it right? Someone who can get you help..."

"N-No! MC, you can't do that... there _is_ no help for me. I-I... p-please, there's a story behind everything..." I pleaded.

MC sighed, shaking his head. "I... huph, I... I suppose, I can listen to your story."

I nodded, sitting down against the wall. MC followed suit. I took a few deep breaths to calm myself so I could effectively tell... well, my story.

"I... I've been cutting since I was 13 - well, just before I turned 13. I-I've had a fascination with knives since I was a child, but four days before my thirteenth birthday, I-I... I had a very, _very_ bad day, bed enough that I... I-I don't really want to describe it. But that night, I looked over my collection of knives, w-which at the time was quite small, a-and I... I-I felt a compulsion to cut. A-And so I started, a-and I never really stopped... u-until, however, uhm... N-Natsuki found out. L-Last month, Natsuki found out about my cutting, though to this day I don't know how... s-she approached me, she tried to help me, a-and for the longest time, I... I believe she could do something. I listened to her, s-she bandaged my wounds, I-I'd talk to her whenever I felt the need to cut... I-I believed she could heal me. B-But... w-when I was visiting her at the hospital one day - actually, the day you told her about your foster family - s-she... she told me she didn't want me to visit her anymore. A-And so, I-I... I managed to hold on, for quite some time, but... today, s-she... she came back, she acted as if everything was okay, when _nothing_ is okay... s-so I snapped, and... I-I gave in..."

MC leaned his head back to rest it against the wall, closed his eyes, and exhaled loudly. I... I felt slightly uncomfortable telling him _everything_. I-If anyone were to know the whole truth first, I thought it should be Natsuki, but... I-I suppose that ship has sailed.

"So what are we - no, no... what are _you_ going to do?"

I shook my head. "I-I don't know... I..."

"It sounds like you were at your best when Natsuki helped you," He remarked.

"I... I-I was. That was my best time, when Natsuki was helping me... I-I..."

"Well, uh... do you really hate her?" He asked. I... d-do I? My soul contains the answer, but... huph... I must answer purely based on instinct. Everything is so complex now, but I feel that a simple "yes" or "no" exists deep within me... do I hate Natsuki...?

I sighed. "N-No... I don't..."

"Then... I think it's best if you make amends. I'm speaking purely from an outsider perspective, so maybe I'm gonna sound dumb, but I think that since the two of you were so happy together before, you should do something to fix what's happened. But I've never been good at this whole 'interpersonal relationship' thing, so... I dunno."

"I... I-I _want_ to make amends with Natsuki. But... I-I'm worried that our friendship is broken beyond repair. I-I told her I _hate_ her, w-w..." I started to tear up, "W-What sort of _friend_ says that? I-I'm not... I-I don't _deserve_ Natsuki..."

MC, looking mildly uncomfortable, put his hand on my shoulder. "I never felt that I deserved Sayori, and she never felt that she deserved me, but we... we've come to the conclusion that we deserve each other. And from what I've heard and seen... you and Natsuki deserve each other, too. E-Er, n-not in a romantic way, or anything like that..."

I sniffled and looked up at MC. "I-I don't know... I-I'm still upset at Natsuki for... w-well, handing the hospital situation the way she did..."

"I... I guess that's something you two have to figure out amongst yourselves. But really, I... I'm just giving advice as an outsider."

I nodded, and thought about his words... I... I want to reconcile with Natsuki, I really do, but... I-I don't know if _she_ wants to reconcile with _me_... besides, I wasn't lying when I said I was still upset at her for her handling of the hospital situation... b-but perhaps I can understand her. If I just listen to her, perhaps... I can come to understand her perspective. And if I understand her, then maybe... w-we can reconcile...

I looked to MC, once again to plead to him. "S-So please, I-I, uhm... please, j-just don't tell anyone... o-okay?"

He looked at me for a second, pondering it in his own mind, before nodding slowly. "O... Okay."

I smiled at him - well, it's the best imitation of a smile I could muster right now. "T-Thank you... I... I-I want to talk to Natsuki, now."

He nodded. "Then let's go back to the club... shall we?"

He stood up, pushing himself off the ground and offering me a hand to get up, one I graciously accepted. And so, I followed closely behind him as we returned to the place whence we came... the literature club.

I was shaking as I entered the room... evidently, despite all my earlier determination, I was still nervous to see Natsuki again... huph, and there she is... she's sitting by Sayori, looking extraordinarily pale. I suppose that was the physical toll my emotional outburst had on her. As soon as she saw me, she avoided my gaze. Monika was nowhere to be seen.

"I, uh... I-I think they might need some time alone," MC said to Sayori. Sayori nodded, rubbing Natsuki's shoulder before leaving the room with MC, and closing the door behind them. I sighed, sitting down by Natsuki, who still avoided my gaze.

"Natsuki, I..." I took a deep breath. "I-I don't hate you..."

"W-Why not?!" Natsuki suddenly blurted. "Y-You were right! I-I was an idiot, I-I pushed you away because I didn't consider your feelings! W-Why wouldn't you hate me?!"

"Natsuki, I..." I thought back to my conversation with MC. "I'd... be lying to you if I said I wasn't upset about the way you handled... _that_. But... I-I don't hate you. You... y-you've done so much for me... everything you've done, I'm so grateful for... I... I stopped cutting because of you. That... t-that's _huge_ , Natsuki. I cut continuously for three years, but... f-for the first time ever, when you talked to me, I... I was genuinely convinced I had to stop. I... I shouldn't have had an outburst at you. You don't deserve that sort of treatment..." I began to tear up again. "Y-You deserve so much better... y-you..."

Natsuki sighed, the color having been restored to her face. "I-I... I'm really sorry I did what I did... y-you know, about the hospital... I... a-at the time, I... I was really... upset. Everything just felt the same. There was a cycle of events that would happen, and... by a certain point, I just felt numb to everything. And, well... I didn't want for you to become a part of that cycle. Yeah, you visited every day, but... conversation had become scarce, we'd run out of things to talk about... I saw you every day, but I didn't want that to become... boring. So, I-I... I took a very drastic step. I shouldn't have, I get that now, but... I-I wanted there to be a meaning, a purpose, when I saw you again. And so I figured that if I didn't get to see you until I got out of the hospital, it... it'd have meaning, when I saw you again. I-It's not that I didn't want to see you, it's that... I-I wanted it to be a special moment."

I... I _suppose_ that makes some sort of sense... I took a second to ponder her words, but apparently she took my silence as an invitation to continue.

"I... get that I was wrong, now. I get that I pushed you away when I shouldn't have, and I'm really, _really_ sorry that I did what I did... I-I know I probably won't ever be able to make up for it, b-but I... I want to apologize..."

I looked at her, and tried to make the first step to reconciliation."I... I-I think I understand..."

She looked at me, apparently confused as to why I would ever dare forgive her for such a thing, and so I decided to elaborate further.

"I... it makes some sort of sense. The logic is sound... when you experience the same thing, ever day, for weeks, it... i-it eventually becomes boring. It's not that you didn't like me, i-it's that you liked me _too_ much... i-is that a good rationalization?"

Natsuki slowly nodded. "Y-Yeah, that sounds right..."

I nodded. "Then it seems a reasonable conclusion... I-I accept your apology. B-But I, too, would like to apologize for making such a... ludicrous display. It was unreasonable for me to be so angry at you, when all you did was care..."

"N-No! I-It wasn't unreasonable, I... i-it was perfectly within reason for you to be so mad at me. I fucked up, Yuri, and you suffered... i-it only makes sense... a-and I can never make it up to you..."

I looked at her, the girl with the pink hair and the tears in her eyes, and decided I should perhaps take a step that would... hopefully comfort her. "Huph... you may feel you can never make it up to me, b-but if you want to try, then I suppose..." I smiled. "A... a-a hug will do..."

She looked back at me, bewildered, and I realized I potentially misspoke... it was such an odd thing to ask for, on my end, so I can perfectly understand if she's confused or even repulsed by such a request... and while we're discussing such a serious issue, no less! The more I think about it, the more I come to the realization that I said something horribly inappropriate... t-this is horrible, what have I done?!

I tried to sputter out some sort of justification, _something_ to fix this dreadful situation. "U-Uhm, o-o-only i-if you w-want to, I-I-"

She cut me off my falling into my chest, wrapping her arms around me, nuzzling her head between my breasts. Huph, I suppose now it's _my_ turn to be shocked... T-This felt sort of... l-lewd... b-but it's fine, I suppose... I responded by wrapping my arms around her in turn, pulling her ever closer into me. This... t-this day had been dreadful until this very moment. Every second since I'd woken up had been filled with anxiety, with anger, with sorrow, with regret, with self-hatred... but right now, all I feel is... bliss.

I... I believe this has awakened something in me, which had laid dormant ever since Natsuki had rejected me from the hospital. I...

I have... _feelings_ , so to speak, for Natsuki.

I already knew it before, thanks to Aoi, but... I suppose that incident in the hospital represented the death of a crush. But I feel it now, stronger now than before... I... I want to be her girlfriend...

Eventually, she pulled off of me, looking up at me with tears in her eyes. "T-Thanks..."

I blushed as I smiled and nodded. "O-Oh, uhm... s-sorry to ruin the moment, b-but before I forget..."

I rolled up my shirt sleeves, exposing my naked arms, covered in fresh wounds. "I... I-In the hallway, just earlier, I-I... I gave in... I-I'm s-s-sorry... I-I broke m-my promise..."

Natsuki sighed, frowning for a moment, before again smiling at me, if weaker this time. "We'll... get you some new bandages."

I nodded. "O-Of course..."

I... I love this girl. Perhaps using such a strong word so early may be a bit _off_ , but... I-I don't know. I don't have any answers, not this time... all I have is questions...

_Just what is my relationship to this girl?_


	29. The Perfect Yuri

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Where I get a glance at who Yuri truly is.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it's been a while! I'm back though, and hopefully this extra-long chapter makes up for my absence.

As Yuri washed her arms in her kitchen sink, I sat on the counter to the side, my right leg dangling limply in its cast. I was scrolling through this website I found on my phone, Rainstorm.com, looking through an article on how to deal with a cutter, as the bandages and medicine sat to my left.

"Huh," I emoted, as I came across something I found particularly interesting.

"Hm?" Yuri responded, her drowsy eyes gaining focus and attention as she looked up at me.

"I just found this interesting - apparently, it's best to apply medicine and bandages while the wound is still open,"

"That... makes sense, yes, but I suppose that ship has sailed..." Yuri said, returning to her out-of-focus state. I'm noticing she's kinda... out of it, recently. It's been two days since she and I had our debacle in the club room, but ever since then, she's just been really out of focus, inattentive. I wish I knew what she was feeling, but as tends to be the case, I _never_ know what she's feeling. I mean, things could be worse... obviously this isn't a preferable situation by any means, but at least she doesn't hate herself or want to die - well, not that I've noticed.

Pushing the worst-case scenarios from my mind, I decide to try to distract Yuri from her dull, drowsy state with some more info I found online.

"Uh, apparently you're also supposed to take the bandages off from a few hours to a day after application... so yeah, we did that wrong too. Hehe."

She looked up at me, again regaining focus for just a moment.

"I suppose that makes sense... I'd never bandaged them before, so I wasn't certain as to what the proper process was."

I smirked. "Yeah, neither was I. I just kinda winged it. But hey, now we got important info we can work with, huh?" I said, poking the air with my elbow to mock-nudge her. She faintly smiled at my gesture before turning off the tap and drying off her arms with a towel, her scabbed wounds on full display.

"U-Uhm... l-let's get started then, I suppose..." She said, and as she did, I smiled as I recalled the first day I came over to her house - the day we had a wonderful time, but it was I who'd brought up the tough topic I'd come over to address. Seeing Yuri take the initiative with the "let's get started" felt like progress, even if just a little. But of course, the fact that she's constantly dissociated kinda negates that little bit of progress... I dunno, but what I do know is that she's going into the bathroom right now, and I need to go with her. I gather up the bandages and medicine in my arm - thankfully the sling of my case makes for a nice basket - and carefully hop down from the counter, trying to catch up to her as quickly as I can. When I reach her, I peek around at her face from behind her, only to find that she still has her face in a placid, unfocused expression. I sighed internally, still upset that she's gotten like this, and that I have no idea why...

Anyway, we make it to the bathroom without interruption, and she sits down on the closed toilet, her arms on her knees, unsure what to do with herself. I looked at my phone for more detailed instructions as to what to do, and learned that I got the actual application process mostly right - just apply medicine and wrap up in bandages. I do so, but this time, I also have a nice antibiotic ointment to rub all over her arms, as opposed to just rubbing alcohol. As I apply the medicine, I can't help myself from briefly glancing up at her face every so often. She still looks so unfocused, as if she's not really _there_... every so often, she'll wince in pain from the ointment hitting a sensitive spot, but that's about the only real emotion I'm getting from her. It's... well, it's depressing, really, seeing her like this. I thought everything was fine, but... apparently not.

I finish up applying the medicine and wrap her arms up in bandages - not without help from Yuri, since I'm one-handed right now - before I look back to my phone for further instructions. Well, advice really - stuff I should do, stuff I should say, the like.

"Uh... we should leave these on for a few hours to a day. I guess a full day can't hurt, so, uh... do you have an alarm clock or something?" I ask.

"Uhm, I-I have a pocket watch... and my alarm clock..." She murmured. I smirked - of course _Yuri_ of all people would have a pocket watch.

"That should do, I guess. Set an alarm for this time tomorrow, and take the bandages off then," I told her, being met with a nod.

"U-Uhm, of course... what time is it now?" She asked. I looked around - unfortunately I don't carry a watch - before I realized I could just check on my phone. Duh.

"4:22 PM. So set an alarm for 4:22 tomorrow," I said, internally wishing we'd finished this two minutes ago. I guess I was a child at heart, but I have a feeling that Yuri either wouldn't get it or wouldn't think it was funny - probably both.

She nodded, making a mental note of that, before she rolled down her sleeves. I scrolled through the article on my phone, finding some important info and talking points for this kinda thing. Yeah, I was probably doing things wrong... scratch that, _definitely_. That whole "talk to me when you wanna cut" thing was kinda dumb - it only makes her feel guilty when she doesn't, and the last thing I want is to instill her with guilt. I've been going about this whole thing wrong, and I cringe at my past self for doing what I did, but honestly, I don't think I can be entirely blamed - I mean, I was totally clueless as to what to do, given I was a newbie. Of course, I _say_ that, but obviously I'm never gonna get over the fact that I did literally everything wrong and probably just made the situation worse. But hey, now's my chance to redeem myself - I can fix the situation from hereon out.

"Uh, I..." I glanced down at my phone, trying to glean some sort of information on talking points I should bring up. "I... really _hope_ you don't relapse, but I won't be upset if you do."

She looked at me, her eyes filling with color - specifically confusion.

"I-I... I thought relapsing was unacceptable..."

"Well, yeah, it's bad, but sometimes it's unavoidable. The goal is to stop, but it's a rough road... i-it's an, uh... it's an addiction, right?"

She mulled that over, looking around the room as she thought.

"I... yes, I suppose it is. It's merely an... an addiction..."

I tried not to take too long to go internally crazy at how fucking _cute_ she sounds when she says "merely," since, you know, this is kind of a serious moment. I glance back at my phone - stealthily hidden from her view point, may I give myself some credit for - and go on talking, basically regurgitating what the website says, with my own personal twist.

"I... won't be mad at you. Like, ever. It's not your fault if you relapse, it's... it's gonna be a long process. But a worthwhile one, y'know?" I said. I figured I should also address the issue of what I made her promise me before... "Uh, also, I... I don't want to force you into any sort of promise, or obligation," Nice one there, Nats. You're coming out with almost the exact wording the website had. Gotta be better than that. "s-so... you don't have to talk to me on the phone whenever you feel like cutting, anymore..."

As Yuri looked up at me, I could see color fill her eyes, and for a brief moment, I experienced it - the true Yuri. Yuri without any of her barriers, or filters, or anything like that... Yuri as she truly felt, spilling her thoughts and emotions.

"B-But...! I-I like talking to you when I feel like cutting! I-I don't want to stop!" She said, and as soon as the "perfect Yuri" appeared, she vanished, hiding behind the deep, purple curtains of her irises. She fiddled with her sweater, not sure what to do with herself, and probably even regretting speaking out to begin with. I guess I gotta step in and do something.

"U-Uh... I mean, if you want to. B-But don't think of it as an obligation... I won't make you, and I won't be upset if you don't," I said, that "personal twist" from earlier now dead. Yeah, I was basically just repeating a website's advice out loud. But hey, it's good advice, so if it works, it works. I gotta make the dynamic here healthier - because before, it definitely wasn't working the way intended.

Yuri slowly nodded, and I'm sure in her head, she still intended to talk to me every time. With her distracted by... well, nothing, I glance over to my phone again and scroll further through the article. It's best for her to talk about her issue at length...? But wouldn't making her do that be a bad idea? I mean, I think that kinda qualifies under the whole "guilt and pressure" thing, but I guess if the website says it, it's the word of god... still, I feel like I'm taking a big risk here. If I ask her to tell me about it, and she refuses, then what? Naturally I'd relent, but according to this, it's just objectively healthy. Maybe I should noodle it through, think of it objectively... Natsuki may not be the smartest girl in the world, but she can probably resolve this internal conflict. God, I just referred to myself in the third person... I'm so fucking lame.

Anyway, it's important for her to discuss her issues at length. But that should only be if she's ready and willing right? If I make her, and she has a mental breakdown because she's forcing herself to relive unpleasant memories, then that's obviously not an ideal situation. I guess my gut instinct's right here... just ask her to talk about it, and if she doesn't, she doesn't. Hopefully she does though, because this website hasn't failed me thus far.

"So, u-uh..." I begin, hoping to find the end of this sentence relatively painlessly. "I.... d-do you wanna, uhm..." I take a deep breath, needing to continue since I have Yuri's attention now. "I... I think it'd be good if you... w-well, _spilled the beans_ , so to speak. W-Well, uh..." My poor excuse for lightening the situation falls flat, as expected, so I try to just spit out what I'm trying to say.

"It... I-I think it'd be healthy to talk about... your story. Your _whole_ story, y-your... cutting story," I said, somehow managing to sputter out a sentence.

Yuri looked at me, surprise now filling her deep, lavender eyes, and I'm now hoping that I can somehow reveal that "perfect Yuri" again.

"I-I..." She began, probably not intending to actually finish that sentence. She took her time trying to think of something, and in that silence, waves of emotion flowed over the both of us as we sat, staring into one another's eyes... it reminds me of a poem Yuri once wrote, about a month ago.

_ "Limply do I sway at the river's bed, _

_ The currents determining my future. _

_ With such a gentle suggestion, _

_ My body surrenders to the demands of the current, _

_ The water flowing freely over me._"

That's about as much of it as I remember. I dunno what it was supposed to symbolize then, but now, I feel like it symbolizes... one other, as gross and fluffy as that sounds. I feel a sort of... warmth, as I look at her. I know that I don't fully understand Yuri... I dunno if I ever will. But if I could spend the rest of my life trying to untangle the mystery of Yuri, I... well, I would. That's what I feel about her - she's a mystery I want to solve, even if I know it's impossible, because everything I know about her is serene and beautiful. I dunno, maybe it's just me getting taken over by emotion right now, but I think it's how I really feel...

"U-Uhm... o... o-okay..." Yuri eventually mutters, confirming that yes, it's okay to talk about her whole story. I nodded, getting up - of course, Yuri offered to help - before she and I headed out to the living room, hopefully to find somewhere more comfortable to sit. Couches being more comfortable than linoleum and porcelain, I happily sit down on her living room sofa, using a pillow to comfort my back. Yuri sits in a nearby chair, sitting perfectly upright, playing with her fingers... this was probably tough for her, but I'm glad she agreed. Even if I had to coax it out of her by asking, it displays _some_ level of trust for me - that, or she fears me so much that she doesn't want to know what would happen if she refused. Hopefully it's not the latter.

"I..." She began, with a single, quietly uttered word. I leaned in closer in an attempt to hear her better as she continued.

"E-Ever since I was a child, I... I-I've had a fascination with knives. I was a young girl with an unusual... w-well, not quite an _obsession_ , but an interest, with all sorts of them... i-it was comparable to how a dedicated stamp collector feels about the finest additions to their collection. Of course, knives are... quite different from stamps, t-to say the least... Those who collected stamps were labeled as 'nerds' and the like, while... I-I was called a freak. I-I was a young girl without much inhibition, so naturally, I'd often make the mistake of mentioning the objects of my fixation... m-my knives. And, w-well... naturally I-I... I experienced unpleasant situations... b-bullying... i-it was that period that I... I-I learned to shut others out. To not talk to them. To avoid them... i-it was a period of my life that defined who I am today, w-why I am... t-the way I am...

"B-But, to my chagrin, that would scarce be the end of my suffering... opting not to interact with others doesn't prevent others from choosing to interact with me - on the contrary, it encouraged it. My isolation, my knives, the fact that I'm Korean... I-I was a perfect target. A-And so, I... a-as the years went, I was relentlessly bullied more and more with each week... h-honestly, the bullying is a phenomena that I've never escaped, and one that I believe I will deal with until the day I die, whenever that may be...

"I didn't start cutting until four days before my 13th birthday. February 14th, 2014... V-Valentine's Day. I... i-it being Valentine's Day, gifts had been exchanged... g-girls gave boys chocolates, the like... b-but I had no one, naturally. A-And... a-a-a group of boys f-found that particularly funny... a-and, s-s-so..."

The memory clearly being painful for Yuri, she began stuttering exceptionally. I almost wanted to step in, tell her she didn't have to go on, but... even as tears began to flow down her cheeks, she still soldiered on, pushing through, as if telling me her story was the most important thing she'd ever done.

"T-They... t-they tracked me down, d-d-d-during r-recess... a-a-and... t-they... t-t-took turns k-k-kissing me... f-forcing me down and k-k-kissing me... k-k-kissing my mouth, m-m-my neck, m-m-my body, g-g-groping me... I-I... I-I cried f-f-for help, b-but... i-i-i-it was o-out by the b-b-back of the s-school, n-n-no one was near... s-so they... h-h-had their way... t-they never, u-uhm, v-v-violated my virginity, b-b-but... I-I f-f-felt so helpless, s-s-so... s-so naked... s-so... u-u-utterly alone...

"T-T-They didn't stop u-until r-r-recess ended... I-I-I felt nothing f-for the r-rest of the day... I-I... I-I went home that day, a-and... I-I-I felt a compulsion... a-a compulsion to breach my own flesh with the knives I so cherished... and so I did. A-And I never stopped. As my collection grew, I only had ever more the opportunity to test out new blades, how they felt against my skin... t-they all feel so... _orgasmic_. I... I-I love nothing more in this world, than the sensation of a knife opening a wound in my arm... I-I've never cut on my thigh, before, being that school uniforms tend to leave that region exposed, b-but my arms are f-fine... s-s-so, u-uhm..."

I sat in disbelief, trying to process her story as waves of emotion overcame me. Sorrow and depression that her life has been such a travesty, all over such an originally innocent hobby that separated her from other kids... anger and rage that such vile people would commit such vile acts upon such a beautiful person... general upset at the fact that she's been forced to live with this trauma for years, and that her only escape, her only coping mechanism, is doing such damage to herself.

"Y-Yuri, I..."

"I-I-It was also that period that I c-came to the conclusion t-that I'm a lesbian... I-I'd never liked boys much to s-start, b-but... I-I suppose that was the final nail in the coffin, s-so to speak... I-I've never been very public about that, a-and I'm surprised Aoi managed to deduce it..."

Aoi probably just figured it out because she figured Yuri stalked me, a girl, with romantic intent. A girl liking a girl is pretty indicative lesbian behavior. But I don't mention that, considering the last thing I need to remind Yuri of right now is the period of her life she feels nothing but regret towards.

"Y-Yuri! I-I... I-I'm so sorry, I-I... I shouldn't have made you bring that up, i-it..."

Yuri wavered off my concern with a hand as she wiped her tears away with her shirt sleeve. "P-Please, I... I-I've never told anyone that story before, n-not even my own parents... i-it feels... o-oddly comforting, to get it out. I-I'm glad that the first person to know if you, N-Natsuki..."

I looked up at her eyes, seeing a blip of "the perfect Yuri." She... really means that. She's really happy that she told me - that it was _I_ of all people who heard it first. I... I-I honestly didn't expect that. I was so worried she'd force it out, she's regret ever talking about it, that I'd mess things up, that I... I guess I forgot that she... she weirdly _admires_ me. I dunno, maybe I'm thinking too deeply about this... I value Yuri as a person, I don't want to boil her down to a set of ideas I arbitrarily pull out of the behavior I notice from her. After all, she's that unending mystery - she can't be simplified. She's wonderful, beautiful, complex Yuri.

I sigh and smile, hoping to brighten things up slightly, even if it is just with a smile. "That... flatters me. Really, it does."

Yuri nodded. "I... I'm glad it does. It's how I feel."

I took solace in the knowledge that Yuri feels about me the way she does. I mean, I think the chance that she feels anything romantic towards me is pretty slim, given her own experiences with other people, and her regret towards how she felt about me when she was a stalker. But it's nice to feel that sort of warmth and friendship from her, that emotion that you wouldn't expect from someone as shy and distant as Yuri.

To both Yuri and I's surprise, however, the front door of the house swings open. Yuri turns and around in her chair and I perk up to see a woman standing in the now-open doorway, who can only be Yuri's mother.

"Oh, mother! You're home!" Yuri says, in pleasant shock - if that makes sense.

"Yuri," Yuri's mother says, her deep, mature voice, like dark chocolate, cutting the silence like a hot knife through butter. Yuri's mom is a tall, mature woman, dressed in a black women's suit with a red blouse underneath. Her hair, a darker purple than Yuri's, is styled into a sort of bowl, except not, because bowl cuts are ugly, and Yuri's mom's hair isn't. It's down to about her collar, smoothly uniform all the way around, with her bangs hanging particularly low, cut into a slowly-increasing diagonal. I can see where Yuri gets her figure from - her mother's breasts are... well, let's just say they're more than enough for me. Her hips, too, are nice and wide, and her thighs are _impossibly_ thick. I haven't seen her from behind, but I get a feeling that I'll like what I'll see... hot fucking damn, Yuri's mom is _hot_.

"And you're Natsuki, then?" She asks me, snapping me out of my stupor.

"Ah, y-yes, that's me," I said. Yuri's mom smiled at me.

"It's wonderful to meet you, I'm Yeojin Min, Yuri's mother."

I was a little confused for a second as I tried to come up with some sort of justification as to how Yuri and her mother wouldn't share a surname, only for me to remember that her parents are divorced. Yuri mentioned that to me once, over text, but I guess I never noodled it through that Yuri's mom would naturally go by her maiden name.

"It's nice to meet you, uh, Ms. Min," I said, nodding and smiling at her. I almost called her Yeojin by mistake, but she and I aren't a first-name basis - not yet, if y'know what I'm sayin', eh? Hehe...

But of course, I'd never try to fuck Yuri's mom, as much as I might like to. I have my eyes for Yuri. Sorry, Yeojin, but you get to miss out on _alllll_ this.

"I'll be going upstairs for a second, then, to get changed. I'll be back in a minute," She said, kicking her shoes off at the door and leaving her briefcase on the table as she walked up the stairs. As soon as she was gone, I looked over to Yuri, my eyes sparkling.

"God damn, Yuri, your mom is _so fucking hot!_ "

Yuri blushed and covered her mouth with her hand, obviously startled and unsettled by her remark. "I-I-I... t-that quite bold to say, Natsuki..."

"No, no, it's true! She is _such_ a fucking hottie. Total milf."

Yuri blushed harder, obscuring her eyes with her bangs. "I-I suppose she _is_ c-conventionally attractive to most people..."

"Mhm, mhm! I can see where you get your good looks from," I said, regretting the words that leave my mouth as soon as I realize I'd said them. God fucking damn it, Natsuki, you need to get a better grip on what comes out of your mouth.

Yuri looks up at me, her eyes wide and her cheeks as red as the big dot on the national flag. I can feel my own cheeks burning hotter than the molten core of the Earth, and I think about just how nice it would be to travel 30 seconds into the past to tell myself not to be a fucking idiot. But that's wishful thinking... there's no way to properly fix this, so I just gotta push past it with a generic conversation piece.

"U-Uh...! I-I should probably be getting my casts off soon!" I said, watching the anxiety and surprise slowly deflate from Yuri's expression and posture. "F-February 13th will mark a full four weeks since I was admitted to the hospital, so they'll check up on me then, and hopefully get these damned things off. Perfect timing, too, since I'll be ready by the day of the festival."

Yuri nodded. "Y-Yes... t-the festival..."

Of course, then the realization hits me like a bullet train - February 14th. Valentine's Day. The day those filthy hooligans violated Yuri. That _absolutely_ cannot be good for her. That can only be fucking _terrible_ for her, to go to a _festival_ \- a fucking _festival_ \- on the anniversary of the day where she was violated by a group of disgusting perverts who thought it'd be funny to ruin a girl's life. Is that why she's been having such a tough time recently? Because she's dealing with all these memories? Because she's been going through all this shit? How have I not thought about this until _just now?_

Yuri's mom, however, is here to save the day, by showing up in a much more casual outfit - a gray, sleeveless turtleneck sweater, a black skirt, and a set of black thigh-high stockings beneath it all. Yeah, 100% milf material right here - definitely a nice distraction from the unpleasant situation I'd created with my alphabet soup of idiocy.

"Hello, girls! How are we?" She asked, standing at the bottom of the stairs.

Yuri nodded, swallowing her surprise remarkably well. "We're doing wonderfully,"

"Well, how long is Natsuki going to be staying? Should we prepare dinner for her as well?" Yuri's mother asked, raising an important question I hadn't considered until this moment. I dunno how I hadn't thought of that, but... given the comment I made about Yuri, should I go soon? No, no, I'm sick of my life being defined by me being an idiot. I'm not gonna let my remark steer me away from staying her for longer - hell, even overnight, if I so feel it. Which, I may feel it - who knows? Well, me. I would know.

"Uhm... Natsuki?" Yuri asked, looking over to me, tilting her head inquisitively. I thought about it for a sec... I mean, I know Mr. and Mrs. Chidori didn't have anything special planned tonight. Yoshifumi told me that they always have a date night on Fridays, when they go out to eat, so he and MC always fend for themselves. So staying for dinner tonight can't hurt. And hey, maybe all night, too - who knows how I'll feel?

"Sure, yeah. There's nothing special going on back home, so I can stay for dinner," I said. Yuri smiled lightly, and her mom grinned.

"Wonderful! Then it's decided - dinner for three tonight. Yuri, would you join me in the kitchen, to check on the Sikhae?"

"Of course, mother," Yuri said, getting up from her chair. I felt kinda useless just sitting here, so I sat up and offered my assistance as well.

"Hey, uh, if you need any help-"

"No, no, I couldn't _possibly_ ask that of you," Yuri's mother interjected, cutting me off as soon as she noticed the destination my train of thought was headed for. "Not only are you our guest, but you're injured! Just you sit there and don't worry about a thing."

With Yuri's mom's mind made up, I give up and do as she commands - sit on the couch, and not worry about anything. Of course, "not worrying" is pretty much impossible for me, given the sort of person I am, so I just drift off into my own thoughts, like I seem to so often do. Naturally, my thoughts are of Yuri... Yuri and her story. Yuri's trauma... the horrible assault she went through, the memory of which she can only escape by using such a... such a horrible act. And it's coming up on the anniversary of the incident... what's going to happen at the festival? I can't imagine Yuri reading poetry on-stage _now_ , much less when she's reliving a traumatic event. Monika won't make her, right? But of course, I don't feel like I really _know_ Monika anymore... she's an enigma, a mystery - but the good kind of mystery, like Yuri. Yuri is a mystery that I want to hunt down every clue for so that I can possibly come to some sort of understanding... Monika is puzzling, scary even, the sort of mystery you just want to keep away from and let the authorities deal with. But would she make Yuri read stand-up poetry before the entire school? I certainly hope not, and if she tries, I'm gonna stand up for Yuri for once. I won't have it. But of course, I have to wait until Monday for that, because we're obviously not going back to school until then. Speaking of which, there are still a bunch of preparations that need to be made for the festival... I dunno how we're gonna get them done in time.

I sigh, and as I distance self from my distracted thoughts, I look around and take notice of the fact that I am still, in fact, in Yuri's living room. It hasn't been a super long time, it's probably, like, 5:00 now or something, if I had to guess. But I'm in Yuri's living room, and Yuri's in the kitchen with her mom preparing dinner. I'm going to eat dinner with them, instead of at MC's - er, my - house, so... I should message MC! Jeez, how didn't I think of that before?

I pull up my phone and open up MC's contact to tell him the news.

_"Hey, I'm eating at dinner yuri's house tonight"_

_"Cool, cool, enjoy"_

_"I will, seeya"_

A brief exchange, but a necessary one. It's not like I can just leave MC behind in the dust or anything like that, since he _is_ my adopted brother now. Jeez, it's gonna be weird if I have to start calling that kid my brother... I didn't know him until, like, two months ago, and now I'm living with him? It's crazy to me just how fast everything's gone. I mean, it took like two days for me to go from hating Yuri, to considering her one of my best friends, and two weeks for me to having a crush on her. Things are wild, man... I guess this is what they mean when they say that high school is crazy.

Soon, however, Yuri drops back into my view, having a seat and looking at me to explain the dinner situation.

"Uhm, d-dinner is Sikhae... i-it's been fermenting for 20 days, w-we were just checking if it was ready... w-we'll have it later..."

"20 days?" I questioned, almost not believing what I was hearing. I'd never been a culinary expert, and I've never heard of Sikhae before, but 20 days sounded like a _long_ time for food to cook.

"Y-Yes... Sikhae is a dish popular in Kangwon, the Korean province my family is from... i-it's fermented fish with chili spices and radish. I-I quite like it..."

Somehow I keep forgetting that Yuri's family is Korean. I mean, she has no traceable accent, and neither does her mother, so I guess it makes sense, but at the same time she very obviously looks Korean. Hell, she even mentioned it as a reason she was a prime target for bullying... hey, maybe that's not a bad conversation topic, actually.

"So, uh, your family's Korean, eh? Kangwon, was it?" I asked, mentioning that province I know she'd said something about.

"U-Uhm, yes... Kangwon is a province in the southeastern part of the North, a-and my family's from there. B-Both sets of my grandparents came to Fukui over during the war... I-I still have some family in Korea, who live in Gangwon, a province in the northeastern part of the South now. U-Uhm, Kangwon and Gangwon used to be part of a single Kangwon province, until the war..."

I nodded. "Interesting... you know a lot about that, then?"

"Y-Yes... I-I hear the stories all the time, whenever there's a family get-together. Everyone loves sharing that trivia about Kangwon and Gangwon... I suppose they find it fascinating to end," Yuri said, smiling lightly at the end.

"Well, I never knew the story... born and raised in Japan, I am."

Yuri nodded. "Y-Yes, so was I..."

For a second I felt really awkward, considering that yes, Yuri was born and raised in Japan. Hell, I even thought to myself mere minutes ago about how she spoke such perfect Japanese that I completely forgot she was Korean. So why exactly did I say something so dumb? Probably 'cuz that's just in my blood. But race is obviously a pretty sensitive topic, and while _obviously_ I'm still crushing super hard on the obviously Korean Yuri, I should probably get off of this topic so that I don't make myself sound more like even more of an idiot to her.

"Anyway, I'm sure it'll be delicious. I've never had fermented fish before, so I'm sure it'll be really good."

"Y-Yes... it shall. But it's not quite dinner time yet, so we can wait until then..."

I nodded, but looked down to notice myself all of a sudden getting a notification from my phone. I looked over at Yuri, who also noticed a notification. Both she and I got a notification at the same time, so I'm not sure what's happening... looking at my phone, however, reveals that Yuri and I have been invited into a group chat, titled "the LIT club" - undoubtedly a name Sayori came up with. Joining reveals that MC, Sayori, and Monika are already present.

_Monika: "Upon Sayori's suggestion, I've created a group chat for the five of us, specifically to discuss festival preparation"_

_Sayoriiiiiiiiiiiiii: "Isn't this so cool? We get to have our own little group chat :3"_

_M.C.: "Not a bad idea"_

_Sayoriiiiiiiiiiiiii: " <3"_

_Natsuki: "Yeah, it makes sense I guess"_

_Sayoriiiiiiiiiiiiii: "NATSUKIIIIIIIII <3 <3 <3"  
_

_Yuri: "I concur that it's quite convenient, considering that individual education between 5 people would be inefficient."_

_Monika: "Well, I suppose I should address the issue that prompted this to begin with"_

_Monika: "The festival is on Wednesday, and we need things to get done by then"_

_Monika: "Currently, we have three tasks that need to get done"_

_Monika: "1) We need to make a banner for our club, that we can hang up at the festival"_

_Monika: "2) We need pamphlets explaining what the club is about and what we're doing at the festival"_

_Monika: "3) We're going to need cupcakes to entice people to the club"_

_M.C.: "I take it that last one was sayori's idea?"_

_Sayoriiiiiiiiiiiiii: "Guilty as charged ;3"  
_

_Monika: "It is a good idea, considering it would otherwise be difficult to entice people to a literature club"_

_Monika: "The average high schooler isn't very interested in literature"_

_Natsuki: "So we trick them there with cupcakes? Sounds just like sayori lmao"_

_Sayoriiiiiiiiiiiiii: " >:("  
_

_Natsuki: "Jeez, I take it back"_

_Natsuki: "Sayori getting mad is scary lol"_

_Monika: "It's important that we divide the labor fairly"_

_Monika: "I'm still organizing the event itself, working with teachers and administrators to get us our own little section"_

_Monika: "Can the four of you work well enough on the remaining tasks together?"_

_M.C.: "Sayori likes to draw, maybe she could design the pamphlets?"_

_M.C.: "And I can come up with the actual content on them, and print them"_

_Sayoriiiiiiiiiiiiii: "I love that idea :3"  
_

_Sayoriiiiiiiiiiiiii: "I'll have to come over ur house tho"  
_

_M.C.: "Fair enough"_

_Natsuki: "I'm at Yuri's house rn, in fact she's literally right next to me lol"_

_Natsuki: "She has pretty handwriting, she can do the banner"_

_Natsuki: "I'm no baking expert, but I do take home ec, so I can bake the cupcakes"_

_M.C.: "We don't have baking stuff at our house rn ._."_

_Natsuki: "Eh, that's fine"_

_Natsuki: "I can just do it at Yuri's house"_

_Natsuki: "That's cool right?"_

_Yuri: "Yes. That's fine."_

_Yuri: "We should have the materials."_

_Natsuki: "Coolio :)"_

_Sayoriiiiiiiiiiiiii: "Omg if u two weirdos are right next to each other then just talk irl >.<"  
_

_Natsuki: "It's important to get it documented here, so everyone knows whats going on o.O"_

_Yuri: "Agreed."_

_Monika: "Then it's settled. Good evening, all."_

_Yuri: "Good evening."_

I looked up at Yuri, and she at me.

"Guess I'm staying a bit more than tonight then, huh?" I said, grinning at her.

Yuri nodded. "I suppose so. You should text MC about that, else he'll wonder where you are."

"He'll probably put two and two together, but... yeah, yeah, I should. His parents wouldn't be content with just a 'She's at Yuri's house,' especially since I'm a new adoptee," I responded.

"His parents... uhm, forgive me if it's a bit sensitive to ask, but, u-uhm... w-what exactly do you call them? I don't imagine 'mom and dad,' but... i-is that it?" Yuri asked, taking me off guard, since it's unlike her to ask such a direct, potentially awkward question. Maybe it's payback for me going on about her being Korean? Probably not, but it doesn't really matter since it's not an awkward question for me.

"I just call them Mr. and Mrs. Chidori... I get they're my foster parents now, and I'm glad to be with them, but calling them anything other than that feels kinda... weird, y'know?"

I nodded. "Y-Yes, I... I-I understand."

Evidently finished, we sat in silence for a second, until and important question came to mind.

"Uh, where should I sleep?" I asked. "The couch? Your room? Do you have, like, a futon or something?"

Yuri looked at me, her cheeks slightly flushing, before she spat out an answer.

"Y-Yes! I-I, uhm... y-yes, I have a futon you can sleep in my room in..."

I nodded. "So it's settled,then."

Well, that's... kinda awesome. Sleeping in the same room as my crush? You gotta admit, most people don't get that opportunity. Of course, it's probably because she thinks of me as just a friend, such a good friend that sleeping in the same room isn't weird... I mean, it's not like we'll be in the same bed or anything, but I'm still gonna let my imagination go wild. And hey, I'm a teenage girl with a crush on her best friend, so cut me some slack, 'kay?

Of course, I also spend a lot of time with my crush, anyway... I'm literally in her house right now, about to eat dinner with her and her hot mom. Honestly, aside from the casts, my life is looking pretty fuckin' awesome right now. And that's the first time I've ever thought that... well that's sad, but also kinda cool in a way. But I don't have a girlfriend, which... I mean, it's not necessarily a necessity to be happy, but if Yuri could be my girlfriend... well, that'd be kinda awesome. _Then_ my life would be on 11. That'd be fuckin' awesome. And I know I'm thinking kinda cyclicy... cyclical? I dunno, I'm kinda thinking in circles, the same things over and over again, but I don't think I can be blamed if I'm fantasizing over having the best girl in the world as my girlfriend. There are a lot of things I want to do with her... and while I probably won't ever get to do them, I'll be damned if I don't wish upon a star for it.


	30. To be a person

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wherein I examine myself.

I sat up in bed, seemingly unable to get myself back to sleep. I would've sighed at a moment like this, but Natsuki was sleeping in the futon on the floor, and I didn't want to risk waking her. I looked over to her to see if she actually _was_ still asleep in the futon, and as I expected, she indeed was. I pulled up the sleeves of the loose-fitting long-sleeved black shirt I wore to bed tonight, to have a look at the bandages Natsuki had applied on me earlier. I still felt a bit bad for making her sleep in a futon when she's injured, but she insisted she couldn't take my bed... perhaps that was a bit far on my end? No, it's never unreasonable to accommodate someone who has broken limbs still healing...

Thinking back to Natsuki applying the bandages, I remembered the things she said afterwords. That it's okay if I relapse, that she won't be mad if I do, that I don't have to call her when I feel like cutting anymore... I don't know how to feel about all that, honestly. Ever since I opened up to her, I've always just assumed that relapsing is _the_ worst possible thing I can do, that it is the bane of my entire struggle. But... it's fine? W-Well, not "fine" per se, she never said that... but she won't be angry, or disappointed if I end up giving in to my unpleasant tendencies?

I thought back to when I first met Aoi, and relapsed on my cutting... well, by that point, I hadn't made an effort to quit, but I'd understood Natsuki's intent. When I'd run away and cut in the bathroom, and Natsuki found me, I... that sensation, the overwhelming sorrow and depression that overcame me when I saw how disappointed she was in me, it... it made me never want to cut again. I never wanted to lower myself to be such a pitiful, disgusting worm, receiving only pity and sorrowful glances. I... I wanted to be a person. I _want_ to be a person. And so long as I cut, I can never be a person... so how can Natsuki say that she won't be angry if I relapse? Lord knows I'll be angry at myself if I do... angry at myself for devolving into who I used to be, the sort of non-person who can't even so much as function without the help of others. That is my motivation: to become a person. And if I surrender to the temptations that have dragged me down for years, I... I won't be a person.

I look over to my digital clock to find that it reads 3:53 AM. It's not like me to wake up at an hour like this... but I can't sleep right now. I may as well do something in my decidedly un-asleep state, so I decide to go to the bathroom - I don't particularly have to use it, but I don't have anything better to do at an hour like this.

I cautiously climb out of bed, careful not to wake Natsuki, and tip-toe my way to the bedroom door. Succeeding in making it there, I slowly creak it open and step out into the hallway, making my way into the bathroom and turning on the lights before closing the door. I can only hope the light from the bathroom didn't disturb Natsuki's slumber... my more immediate concern, however, is adapting my eyes to the light. I wipe tears from my eyes as I try to slowly adjust myself to this new light level, a far cry from the darkness of night that encompassed the house, and indeed the entire country.

Once I'd become used to the light of the bathroom - a task made no easier by the fact that most everything in the room was white - I took note of my surroundings. This bathroom is a familiar place... the toilet or the bathtub were common places for me to sit as I cut, if I wasn't just doing it in my own room. It was a fairly large bathroom... my mother's job made her a decent enough salary to afford our fairly large house, and with it came several fairly large bathrooms. But a bathroom is only a bathroom... few positive memories are made in a place like this, even less so for I given the amount of times I'd spent satisfying my habit here.

I turned to my left to find a mirror, and in that mirror, I saw a tired girl with disheveled hair and bags under her eyes stare back at me. She looked exhausted... understandably so, given the fact that she'd been awoken at almost 4 AM for no discernible reason. Deciding to do something to fix her disheveled hair, she left the frame of the mirror - _I_ left the frame of the mirror - and grabbed a hairbrush from nearby. It was one of a few I used, and I believe mother uses this one as well, but it doesn't really matter. I put it through my hair, pulling at knots and roughly undoing them. Because I kept my hair so long, brushing it had become nothing short of an exhausting chore, but as I concluded earlier, I have nothing better to do when I'm awake at 4 AM. After several minutes of pulling and brushing and cleaning out the hair from the brush, I became satisfied enough that I set the brush back where I found it, and went back to meet the girl in the mirror again. Seeing her now, you could almost mistake her for being ready to start the day, if not for the bags under her eyes. But the best way to fix those is simply to get rest, which I'm not in the position of doing, not for the moment...

Her shirt is oversized - an intentional buying decision. There unfortunately aren't very many vendors catering to especially tall people in Japan - it's rare to find someone 183 centimeters tall, much less a teenage girl - but I got a shirt even bigger during a family trip to America one year. In white, it has the logo of a band I don't recognize on it, but I bought it for the novelty of having a pajama shirt.

She's not wearing any pants, save for her black panties, but she is wearing purple-and-black striped knee-high socks. She looks... upset. Her expression isn't one you'd see of a joyous person, nor an aloof person, but someone who's generally stressed and unsure of their lives - unsure of themselves. I try to curl her face into a smile, but every time I try, she ends up looking like she's forcing it - like she can't think of a genuine reason to smile, that to smile right now is an inherently dishonest act. And so, left without a solution, I surrender, and allow her face to drop into its natural, droopy-eyed frown.

I look down and pull up my sleeves, again observing the bandages Natsuki earlier applied to my skin. I wonder about her... how, despite everything she's been through, she is the way she is. She's happier than I've ever seen her... it used to be rare to get a genuine smile out of her. She'd always retaliate when shown positivity... I remember I once complimented her hair, and she went into a fit wherein she tried to justify how she didn't need my compliments. But... she's so happy now. Even if still a bit easily flustered, she... she smiles, she genuinely smiles.

I look back up into the mirror and try to force the girl staring back at me to smile, but again, it still looks unnatural. Sighing, I look back down to see that my sleeves have fallen back down to cover my bandages. I tug at the end of my shirt, pulling it up briefly to reveal my stomach, before quickly re-covering it. But... seeing that no one is here to see me, I see no reason not to remove my shirt altogether. And so, I do - I pull off my shirt, and throw it to the floor. So, too, do I step out of my panties, throwing them atop my shirt. I'd remove my socks, but the sensation of my bare feet hitting the cold floor would be unpleasant... and so, I have another look at the girl in the mirror, now naked.

She... she looks natural, now. Bare naked, her skin exposed to the air. Well, all but her arms and legs... she looks uncomfortable, still. Uncomfortable in her own skin. But... I know her body is desirable. I've been told all too many times... my maternal grandfather insists that our family's tall stature - and, indeed, the women's large breasts - comes from ancestors he had in Bosnia and Russia, but I have no way of knowing if that's true. But, while it may desirable... is it beautiful? Do lust and beauty equate to the same emotion? I doubt it... I don't know if my body can truly be considered beautiful. Not with these bandages to remind me of who I am...

Sighing, I again look down to have a look at my bandages. Natsuki said they can come off from a few hours to a day later... well, being that it's past 4 AM now, it's been almost 12 hours. I know she wanted to wait a full day, but... I want to be a person, correct? To be a person is to be independent of that which chains you... right? Right... that's what makes Natsuki a person. That's it, t-that... that's how she's able to smile now, even when she's been through such trying incidents. That's how she can smile, when her own father tried to kill her. That's how she can smile, when for the first 15 years of her life, all she knew was despair, suffering, and pain. Because Natsuki is a person...

I want to be a person. I want to be like Natsuki.

I slowly pull the bandages from my arms, enjoying the ripping sound they make as they tear from one another. It feels final... even though I know full well that my journey is far from over, and further obstacles will try to oppose my further down the line, I still feel a sense of closure as I pull the last of the bandages and dispose of them in the trash. Looking at the fully naked girl standing in the mirror opposite me, now, I can find true beauty in her body... her curves, her breasts, her hips, and the abrupt, violent scarring on her forearms... I can find beauty in it all. Because she has the will to be a person. To be like Natsuki... the girl she loves. Even if it takes years of effort, she has the will to go through it... and that is beautiful.

I cradled my body in my arms, giving the girl in the mirror a warm, genuine smile. To my delight, she smiles back.

* * *

"Yuuuuuriiiiii!" Natsuki groans, shaking me to try to wake me.

"Mmmn..." I moan, trying to remain asleep. After that incident at 4 AM, it took about an hour to get back to sleep, so naturally I was so tired I lacked any sort of energy right now. Lord, what time is it...?

"Yuri! It's almost 9 AM! Breakfast is waiting downstairs!" Natsuki said, as if reading my mind. Now forced to compel with the desire to wake me, I sat up, looking over to her.

"Y-Yes, of course... breakfast..." I said. I gripped my head with my one arm, carelessly allowing my shirt sleeve to fall to my elbow, thereby revealing my unbandaged forearm.

"U-Uh...! Yuri, y-your arm!" Natsuki sputtered out, panicking slightly.

"O-Oh, yes... I-I apologize, I woke up at 4 AM and couldn't get to sleep, so I took them off... I-I hope you don't mind..." I said, trying to explain myself without having Natsuki's scorn upon me.

She took a moment to look over my forearm. It looked significantly better than it did before the bandages were put on - the cuts had been reduced to little pink bumps and lines that covered my forearms. They were still obviously cuts, but they looked... healed. Not quite healed to point where they'd been left alone for years, but still healed. Natsuki put her hands on my arm, using one to hold it steady and the other to feel the bumps and scars.

"Well... they've healed nicely. I guess they didn't need a full day, after all..." Natsuki commented.

"I... I-I thought so. I'm glad they've gotten to this point..." I said, looking calmly at Natsuki feeling my scars.

"I... well, I'm not mad. I'm not upset at all, really. This is good! It's good that you've healed this much!"

I smiled at that. Healed... what a pretty word. Well, not really, but... I liked being called "healed." In the same way a trans girl would react to being called "she" or "ma'am" for the first time, Natsuki calling me "healed" left a warm sensation in my heart. I... I want to be "healed." I want to be a person. And Natsuki's only reaffirming this in me... that I am a person.

But I don't think I am yet. As much as I appreciate it, I don't believe I'm there yet. It will likely take years of effort to fully be over my cutting, but I'm fine with that. But just as I can accept that, I can also accept that as of now, I am not "healed." My end goal is to be healed, but that's just it - the end goal. The fact that my destination is to be healed is only proof of the fact that I'm still experiencing the journey towards that end.

"Anyway, yeah, breakfast is waiting downstairs. I made eggs and toast!" Natsuki said, beaming at me.

"Y-You made breakfast...? My mother must be furious, hehe... she couldn't entertain the idea of you helping with dinner for a second, so she must be fuming if you went ahead and cooked breakfast."

Natsuki giggled. "She was upset, yeah. Telling me I didn't have to do that since I was injured... but hey, I wanted to do something nice for you guys. I don't wanna be waited on all the time just 'cuz of my casts, eh?"

I smiled at that. I understood exactly what she meant... to be independent, capable of working on ones one, was what it meant to be a person. With Natsuki, the distinction was made physical by her casts, but with me, it was a mental thing. Of course, I'm sure Natsuki struggled with the concept at the hospital... people taking pity on her, thinking of her as nothing more than a poor, abused child. But I feel much the same way - but instead of abuse, I dealt with cutting. In that way, Natsuki and I are very much alike.

"I understand that perfectly... to be something more than an object to pity, to be protected. I know exactly what you mean... let's go eat breakfast," I said, ending off my perhaps tangential statement by bringing some sort of distraction to the table - and, indeed, I was quite hungry.

Natsuki followed me downstairs, and as I reached the bottom, I saw two plates of food sitting across from one another. My mother must've already left for work by now, but judging by the fact that Natsuki mentioned her, she must've already had something to eat. Then that other plate must be for Natsuki? I can't imagine it being for anyone else...

"That other plate is yours?" I ask, briefly looking back to Natsuki.

"Yes, that's mine. I can't call myself a chef if I eat before those I'm feeding!" Natsuki proclaimed.

"I wasn't aware you were a chef..." I smiled.

"I wasn't, not until recently. I have the undertaking of baking for the festival, so I have to get into the mindset, right?"

"Yes, of course..." I said, making it to the bottom of the stairs and immediately making my way over to the dining room table. Taking note of the food on the table, I saw fairly basic over-easy egg sitting atop a slice of buttered toast. adorned with small flakes of salt and pepper for seasoning.

"Looks pretty good, huh?" Natsuki gloated, grinning widely.

"Y-Yes, naturally..." I said, sitting down at the table. I don't remark on the fact that over-easy eggs are a fairly easy breakfast to make, so long as one doesn't break the yolk of the egg, so as not to break her bravado and confidence.

As I bit into the breakfast before me, I noticed Natsuki eyeing me innocently, no doubt expecting some sort of reaction. I must say, the egg is cooked perfectly, and the toast is unburnt, but perfectly crisp. I'd normally find it difficult to believe that one could do especially well at preparing a basic breakfast like this, but Natsuki has defied my expectations with her mystifying culinary talent.

Unable to say anything with food in my mouth, I give Natsuki the OK symbol to denote that her breakfast is, indeed, delicious. I continue to nibble on it as Natsuki smiles and goes in on her own breakfast, munching it up fairly quickly. Even with nutrition introduced regularly to her system, she still eats quicker than most... I suppose she's merely a naturally hungry person.

Once she's finished, she looks at me with wide eyes, grinning and giving a thumbs-up.

"Alrighty! Let's get to work, then!"

As she said this, I was just barely done with my own breakfast. But what she ate apparently gave her enough energy that she was already ready to get started on festival prep. As I recall it, we were doing... uhm... baking? Yes, baking... and the banner. That should be relatively easy, though we'll have to go on the town to find a suitable banner. I'm sure, however, that we can find one in some sort of arts and crafts store, or something to that effect.

I downed the last corner of corner of toast in my hand and waited to finish chewing and swallowing before I said another word to Natsuki - lord knows I can't talk with food in my mouth.

"Excited to get started on festival prep, are we?" I asked.

"Eh, I mean... the festival itself isn't really all that exciting. But y'know, it's nice to have something to do, I guess. Plus, this'll make my first time baking outside of Home Ec! Which, you know, is pretty cool."

I nodded. "Yes... trying new things - or rather, _relatively_ new things - can be exciting for some people." I deliberately worded my sentence so as not to include myself in that portion of the population - it may sound that I'm a boring or too-safe sort of person, but "coming out of my shell," as some put it, has never been a strong suit of mine. The most adventurous I get if I decide to read a Gogol book over a Dostoevsky book, and I'm fine with that. My life thus far has been spent in my content little corner of the world, and I'm perfectly happy to live there until I die. Perhaps that's a bit dramatic, but... I am a person who loves such phrasing.

"Well, I guess if you say that... well, whatever. What do you wanna do first? The cupcakes or the banner?"

I stood up and carried my dishes - well, it's just a plate - over to the sink and rinsed them off, talking to Natsuki as I did so.

"We'll have to go on the town to find a banner... I know of a few arts and crafts places in town, and those would be the only places I can imagine finding a banner suitable for the festival," I said, giving her further information to reach her own conclusion, rather than telling her which I'd rather do first. Honestly, I don't have a particular preference as to which we do first, so having me decide would be fruitless.

"Hmm... I guess we should wait to do that until later in the day. Cupcakes it is, then!"

I nodded, placing my place in the dishwasher and moving to the cabinet to retrieve traditional baking materials - a stand mixer, flour, sugar, and the like.

"Now, uhm... h-how much experience have you with this?" I asked, unsure if we should look up a recipe online.

"Pretty experienced. I mean, I'm the top student in Home Ec," Natsuki boasted, grinning widely as she put her hands on her hips.

"Uhm, t-that's very nice... do you know the measurements? O-Or should we look up an online recipe..." I asked.

Natsuki pondered my question for a moment before hanging her head in a decidedly less confident gesture - an admission of defeat.

"Yeah, look up an online recipe..." She said, perhaps a bit dramatically upset. I frowned slightly at how upset she was, and tried to perhaps ease her worries.

"A-Are you sure? We, uhm, w-we could not, i-if you'd rather... I-I know you seem rather confident in your abilities, s-so, u-uhm..."

Comforting others was far from my strong suit. Indeed, it was usually Natsuki who was comforting I... which was quite depressing. It's not that I mind spending time with Natsuki - naturally, I don't - but I feel as though I'm a fragile little animal for her to take care of. I've already established that my goal is to be a "person," and so long as I totally rely on Natsuki without reciprocation, I am not a person. So perhaps it's good for me that I'm trying to do something for the obviously upset Natsuki...but perhaps that's a bit selfish. My motivation to reach out to her is simply so _I_ feel like a person? What sort of ingenuine motivation is that?

"Well, I probably _can_ do it without a recipe..." Natsuki thought, regaining her posture and putting her hand to her chin as she thought. "Yeah, let's do that, then. No recipe! Just wing it! And I, Natsuki, am a master baker, so this shouldn't be much of a problem for me at all!"

I nodded, smiling now. "O-Of course... _master chef_ Natsuki, please lead the way..."

* * *

We're teenage girls, but teenagers will still always be teenagers. And so, being teenagers, we couldn't help but taste-test the finished product of our - well, mostly Natsuki's - work.

The cupcakes looked exquisite - Natsuki had elected to frost them in white and use chocolate chips to make them look like little cats. I must say, she was being honest when she referred to herself as a "master baker." But how did they taste? I was about to find out, as I had unwrapped one and was ready to bite into it at a moments' notice - not, of course, without Natsuki staring eagerly at me, awaiting my opinion.

Biting into the cupcake proved it to have a warm, spongy texture, that mixed perfectly with the buttercream frosting. I'd chosen a chocolate cupcake - we'd made both chocolate and vanilla - and was not disappointed to find that is was rich and deeply flavored, as a chocolate cupcake should be.

"Exquisite," I said, trying to find an apt word to describe the sweet I'd just bitten into. Natsuki giggled lightly.

"'Exquisite,' huh? Fit for the Emperor?" Natsuki joked.

I smiled, playing along with her joke. "Of course... I can imagine His Majesty ordering an entire tray of your cupcakes to serve to the entire Imperial Family. You may yet even be an Imperial chef in the future, with enough training."

"Well, I'll remember you when I'm at the top," Natsuki said, grinning.

Smiling at her, I offered her a bite out of my cupcake. "Here, try your creation, before you let your power go to you head..."

Natsuki nodded, taking the cupcake from my hand and biting right into - right into where _I_ had bitten into it. It doesn't bother me, I'm not a germaphobe, but I did take note of it.

"Mmnn... it's good, very good," Natsuki said, looking around the cupcake form every angle as she chewed on her bite. "Quite impressive handiwork on my end."

"Modest as always," I joke.

"Hey, far be it from me to humble myself in the presence of such an immaculate cupcake," Natsuki said, going in for another bite.

"Very well, _my lord_. But remember, we have more to do today... I have some money, so we can go out and buy some materials for a banner from a local arts and crafts store. Then, we can get to work on the banner itself... you complimented my handwriting, correct?"

Natsuki's expression betrayed her embarrassment of the memory of what she'd said in the groupchat yesterday - _"She has pretty handwriting, she can do the banner."_ It was an absentminded, fairly basic compliment, but Natsuki seems to be the sort of person who is very easily flustered with this sort of thing. At least she's not violent and aggressive, like before...

"Y-Yes, I did... u-uh, yeah. So, you get to do most of the work for the banner. 'Kay?"

I nodded. "That's fine... given your injured state, I wouldn't want to subject you to too much fine work..."

"Hey! I could bake these cupcakes, so I can help on the banner!" Natsuki insisted.

"A-Ah, my apologies... o-of course..." I said, shrinking in the presence of Natsuki's passion.

"Alright, then, c'mon! We're going out!"

"E-Eh? B-But I'm hardly ready to go outside, looking like this..."

I gestured to my... well, everything. I never had the chance to properly clean up when I woke up, so I still look disheveled and... well, like I just woke up. My hair is an unbrushed mess, knotted all over, and I'm dressed in the same oversized shirt I sleep in, with the addition of a pair of black leggings.

"Well, uh... fine. I already took the liberty of showering before you got up, so you go ahead and get yourself cleaned up. I'll wait here, and uh... try not to eat all these cupcakes."

I sighed. "Should I really trust you alone with them, now...?"

"Yes, yes! Oh, god, I'm sounding like Aoi now... anyway, don't worry about it. I have self-control."

I smiled faintly. "Very well, then... I'll try to be quick about it, but I do hope I don't bore you by leaving you alone..."

"Hey, hey, don't worry about it! You go and shower, sleepy bones!"

Sleepy bones...? That.... t-that's quite a cute nickname... I-I like that...

"Very well... I'll see when I come back down..." I said, waving goodbye to her as I went up the stairs and to my room to grab a fresh set of clothes. Once I was in the bathroom, I was flooded with memories of 4 AM today... when I woke up and came her, looked over my naked body, trying to find some sort of beauty.

I turned on the shower, setting it quite hot, before I stripped naked and looked over myself in the mirror. I looked... the same. My curved complimented my figure wonderfully, my breasts were impressive, to say the least... but did I still feel beautiful? Was there beauty to be found in an attempt to reach the end of a goal? Is it not the goal itself that is beautiful? Oddly, the cupcakes Natsuki and I were baking felt like an oddly accurate metaphor... the finished cupcakes were beautiful, and delicious, but could that be said of the uncooked batter? Of course not... so did I, then, have a right to call myself beautiful?

I felt my breasts, cupping them in my hands and covering up the nipples. Was I beautiful...? Was there beauty in the journey, in the attempt?

I sighed, letting my arms fall to my sides and looking at myself in the mirror. I tried to smile, and the girl looking back at me did, too. She looked uneasy, but... she looked like she was trying. Like she was unhappy with where she was, but happy with the fact that she was going somewhere.

I... I'm going somewhere. I have a destination... a destination to be healthy. A destination to be a person.

I... I want to be a person.


	31. February the 14th

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wherein I am in attendance at the school's Valentine's Day festival.

Wednesday, February the 14th, 2018, is going to be an awful day. I say that as though the day hasn't started yet, but it's already past 6:30 PM... I had an average day today, but from hereon out, this is going to be an awful day. To go to a festival... today, of all days...

Sighing, I do my best to not look miserable in the mirror.

My dress isn't the problem - it's actually quite nice, especially for how cheap it was. It's a blank, standard black dress, relatively form-fitting, as far as dresses go, that runs all the way down to my feet. It begins roughly below my clavicle, extending across to connect with wide sleeves that extend to my hands, leaving my shoulders exposed. The edges of the dress are fitted with deep, lavender frills, furled into a patter all the way around the top of the dress, the bottom, and around the ends of the sleeves.

No, that isn't the problem at all. Nor is it my hair, tied into a rare long ponytail with a decorative black hair tie. Nor is it my makeup - very minimal, save for some eyeliner - or my perfume. Nothing superficial is the issue. The issue stems from my facial expression, which I am having difficulty making appear as though I'm not dreading every second that I live.

I can't muster anything but a grimace. I detest February the 14th. Every year since... _it_ happened, I've spent this day holed up in my room, cutting and sobbing, occasionally stealing a glass of wine from my mother to try an ease the painful memories. But this year, I have no choice. I've already accepted that this day will be the hardest test I've yet had to endure for this "quitting" process, and I doubt I'll make it through without relapsing. Hidden under my dress, I've brought with me a knife - a _very_ fine one, at that, and a bottle of wine I stole from the refrigerator. The dress, while _relatively_ form-fitting, as far as dresses go, is still indeed a dress, and thus has ample room to store my contraband.

"Yuri, you look splendid!" My mother said, coming up from behind me and placing her hands on my shoulders. "You'll do wonderful out there. It'll be fun, right?"

I turned my head to look at her and smiled - well, did my best imitation of a smile. "Y-Yeah... fun..."

She nodded, smiling at me. "Well, would you rather walk, or have me drop you off?" She asked.

"U-Uhm..." I'll confess, I haven't put much thought into this. But just looking at my mother's eye, she seems to prefer dropping me off. That's not entirely unreasonable... while walking to school would be easy from here, I wouldn't want to work up a sweat in my new dress. Besides, given that it's a festival, there may yet be some delinquents who wish to mess with girls such as me... a-and I... I-I don't want to encounter a-any delinquents, _especially_ n-not today...

"I... y-you can drop me off, if you like," I agreed, having considered the variables I could take into account - variables my mother also seems to have considered beforehand, given the pleasant, even relieved smile she gives when she hears me consent.

"Excellent, then!" She chimes, dropping any pretense of being unbiased. "You can sit in the back seat, if you want - like I'm your chauffeur," she added, giggling.

"I-It's not prom or anything, mother..." I said. She's acting as though this is a particularly important event for me, even though I don't value it in any capacity - in fact, I'd quite rather not go. But at this point, I've no choice. And that's all besides the point, anyway... the point is that it still seems quite ridiculous to treat a standard school festival with any sort of undue enthusiasm.

"Be that as it may, it's still a festival - wouldn't you like to arrive in style?"My mother adds, defending her position. It's unusual that _she's_ the one insistent on me riding in the backseat as if I were a passenger in a limousine - most people tend to take offense to those who choose to sit in the back seat of a car, rather than the front.

And I suppose most people _would_ prefer to "ride in style." If, for example, Sayori or Natsuki had the option to ride in my mother's very nice black luxury car - the brand of which I am unfamiliar with, cars not being my specialty - they would no doubt accept in a heartbeat. But... it isn't for me. I've never wanted to be famous, or popular, or any sort of center of attention. I want to live peacefully and quietly. I believe that goal to be noble and reasonable. And while riding in the back seat of a luxury car may be preferable for many, it isn't for me.

"I... n-not really..." I said, taking my mother by surprise. By she is a mature woman - more mature than any emotionally unstable teenagers, such as myself. And despite lacking knowledge about the dark secrets I keep from her - my _habit_ chief among them - she has a very thorough understanding of who I am. She is, after all, my mother. And so, she smiled and nods.

"Very well, then. You can ride in the front, then. Though really, it doesn't matter. Wherever you choose, dear."

I nod, smiling back at her. Perhaps this is a bit of a generic statement, considering most other people can say they feel this way, but I have a very deep affection for my mother. She's a very understanding and kind person, a gentle parental figure to help guide my life.

I step out the front door, my mother not far behind. For mobility's sake, I opted not to wear heels, instead choosing to wear a pair of nice women's shoes that don't hinder my ability to walk. It's not as though anyone's going to see them anyway, and I don't need any extra height anyway.

My mother enters the driver's seat, and I the passenger's - as I said, riding in the back simply isn't my style. Despite being directly beside her, I look off into the distance through the window and think to myself. But given the occasion, my thoughts only drift onto painful memories, so I lightly shake my head and empty my mind of unpleasant thoughts. Eventually, my mother turns to me - well, as much as she can without taking her eyes off the road.

"Well, it's Valentine's Day. Isn't that nice?" My mother asked, blissfully unaware of what this day meant to me. I owe her an explanation of my trauma, but... it seems like I would violate her image of me to do so. To confess that I've been _lying_ to her for so long, about something so important... and besides, to mention _that_ would also no doubt entail a confession of my _habit_ , which has a myriad of complications on its own. So as much as it pains me to be dishonest to her, I... I'm left without other options.

"...yes," I said, quietly. I take no joy in the fact that today is Valentine's Day. Such a holiday - one that pales in comparison to other, much more celebrated holidays - meant nothing to me, when it takes place on the same day as... it. And I relish nothing from lying to my own mother again - as I said, it pains me.

"Oh, uh, that literature club of yours... will they be there?" She asked, trying to make conversation. I appreciate the attempt - that she cares enough to try and start a conversation with me. I only wish I could return her enthusiasm with enough energy to hold the conversation up, but unfortunately, I'm not so socially talented. But regardless, I don't want her to have the impression that I don't care about her - indeed, I'd rather make it known that I do. And so, I should try to hold up my end of the conversation - however feebly I may do so.

"U-Uhm, yes... Natsuki baked cupcakes for people to eat. A-And I designed a banner, which I brought in yesterday, to be hung up. L-Like other club, we have our own section of the festival t-that people can come to."

"But it's quite a small club, no?"

I nodded. "Y-Yes... m-much of this is an attempt b-by Monika - well, not without Sayori's persuasion - to try and attract new members to the club."

"Hm, interesting. It's nice to see youths attached to literature - I hate to sound like an old guy rambling about 'the old days,' but when I was a kid, I had quite the passion for reading."

"R-Really?" I asked, not realizing that my love for literature had been inherited.

"Mhm. I gave you an entire bookcase's worth of books, remember? Those are from when I was a kid."

Ah, yes, how could I forget... for my 15th birthday, she'd dusted off an old bookshelf from her childhood home and gave it to me - along with all the books inside.

"W-Well, uh... y-you're right. I-I suppose I never considered you'd read all of them..." I said.

"Yep, every last one. I figured it'd be nice if you never had a shortage of books to read."

"W-Well, I've made it through most of that shelf already... t-though some other works have taken my attention, as of recent..."

"Ah, don't worry about it. I'm not here to push you along my path, or whatever. I'm not one of those parents who wants their kid to be a doctor or a lawyer, or whatever. You get a lot of those in this country."

I nodded, but the subject of parenting had forever been tainted in my mind because of Natsuki's father... I don't resent or fear my own parents in any sort of way, but it would be inaccurate to say that I lost a bit of trust for parents as a group when I saw Natsuki's father, and what he'd done to her. Ichiban Futagawa is now the name of a locally-infamous criminal, who tried to kill his own daughter. I've kept a close eye on his trial - well, pre-trial, considering the trial hasn't begun. But it's close... he'll face justice. For all he did to Natsuki, beautiful Natsuki, he will be punished. I must thank Officer Tanemura for keeping me so close to the case - offering briefings on recent developments, and whathaveyou. I'm sure it must be outside his powers, but he told me not to concern myself with it...

"We're here," My mother said, interrupting my thoughts. I look up to indeed see that we've pulled up to the school, looking uncharacteristically beautiful, with white lights strung up all around, giving the area a uniquely light, comfortable atmosphere - one not typically associated with schools.

"A-Ah, wonderful... thank you, mother, for driving me..." I said, opening up the car door and waving her a goodbye. She knows the festival is set to end at 9:30, so she's supposed to be here around then - though, still, we'll be able to keep contact via text, if the need arises.

As my mother pulled the car away from the school, I looked to the courtyard to see it partially filled with a light crowd. Being that it's early, the majority of people likely haven't shown up yet... and, well, I suppose that much is preferable. I handle crowds exceptionally poorly... when I was young, for example, I became lost in a shopping mall. It took hours for my father to find me, and by the time he did, I was a disheveled, crying mess. But beyond that, I struggle with conversation - _especially_ the idle chit-chat that consumes parties - and I often feel suffocated by large groups of people. Perhaps I can find an empty classroom in the school, one that I can relax in once the greater crowd settles in...

"Oh, Yuri," MC said, smiling as he approached me. I've never seen him outside of school, but... he dresses rather, well... _old-fashioned_ , so we shall say. He wears a black frock coat, and furled white lace, fashioned into a cravat, around his neck. His shirt underneath appears to be a similar white to his cravat, finely crafted out of some sort of linen. In a stark and frankly unsettling contrast to his Victorian attire, he wears a sunflower hair clip in his hair, above his right ear.

"Ah, MC... it's good to see you," I said, slightly relieved to encounter someone I already knew before anyone else.

"Yeah, good to see you, too... uh, Monika and Sayori are already at our place. Do you have any idea where Natsuki is? She isn't here yet."

"Hm? What time is it?"

"Time? Uh..." MC pulled another relic of the past out of his coat pocket, a pocket watch. That much I understand - I, myself, own a pocket watch, though I don't carry it around. "It's 6:57."

I smiled in relief, already knowing the explanation. "She should be here shortly, then... she has a tendency to arrive exactly at a specified time, no earlier or later," I explained.

MC raised his eyebrow. "Hm, really now? I never pegged her as that sort of person."

"Neither did I, but it's a tendency I've noticed."

MC nodded. "Well, uh, follow me, then. I'll take you to our little area."

I agreed, following closely behind him as he expertly weaved through the light, sparse crowd. Eventually, we came upon a small section of the courtyard - a quite small section, may I add - decorated lightly with a few pink and purple lights, a table adorned with Natsuki's cupcakes and my banner, a few chairs, ostensibly for club members and potential club members, and a microphone hooked up to a small speaker, no doubt for the "stand-up poetry" that Sayori proposed.

"Ooh, Yuri! You look so prettyyyyyy~!!" Sayori yelled, running over to me and looking me up and down. "That's an _amazing_ dress!!"

I smiled, sheepishly. "A-Ah, thank you... you look nice, as well," I said, not one to take a compliment without returning with one of my own. Her dress is nice... a sparkly, red dress, frilled at the top as it rises to wrap over her left shoulder, but not her right. It was layered - a more opaque dress beneath ended at around her mid-thigh, while a longer, more transparent dress, adorned with the odd sequin, flowed freely to a little beyond her knees. Naturally, she wore red heels to compliment her attire - though, knowing her, I can't imagine she's had an easy time trying to walk in them.

"Welcome to our little corner of the festival, Yuri. Sayori's right - you _do_ look lovely," I heard Monika say, and I turned a little to the right to the left to see her standing there, smiling warmly. She wore a moss green sequin dress top, covering her breasts but exposing her shoulders, and flowing from it were several layers of green dress skirt, becoming slowly less opaque as the layers went from interior to exterior. I'd heard she was from a wealthy family, and she chose to put that on prominent display with very expensive looking earrings, and a pearl necklace. As she took her hands out from behind her back, I took note of the long dress gloves she wore - a darker moss green than her dress. Perhaps I should've worn something like that, it may've more efficiently covered my scars... though, would the scars create bumps in the fabric?

"A-Ah, of course... not to discount your outfits. E-Everyone looks lovely..." I said, giving everyone a compliment. Even MC's outfit, as jarring as it was, had a nice aesthetic appeal to it.

"Ooh, MC! You wore the hair clip I gave you~!" Sayori chimed, flashing him with a beaming grin as she noticed it. MC smiled, running his fingers through his hair to expose it better.

"Of course I did... I'm not so heartless, y'know."

It makes perfect sense that MC got the hair clip from Sayori - I don't imagine someone who dresses the way he does wearing that of their own volition. But that's a bit of a cynical way to look at it... it's a sweet thing for him to do, wearing that clip. It shows that he cares.

MC looked down at his pocket watch, flipping it open to check the time. "7 o'clock... Natsuki should be here any second now. Should I go after her, make sure she doesn't get lost?"

Before anyone else can say anything, Sayori speaks up.

"No, I'll go after her! You have _no idea_ how excited I am to see her! She's gonna look _soooo_ beautiful, and it's gonna be _so awesome_ to see her without her casts on!"

I smiled, both at Sayori's enthusiasm, and at the memory of the fact that Natsuki got her casts off yesterday. I remember she'd mentioned it in passing, but I'd never put much thought into it until now. This... this will be the first time in weeks that I've seen Natsuki without her casts on. And, just as Sayori said, she'll look _beautiful_ , stunning...

"Hey, if Natsuki's living with you, how come you two didn't arrive together?" Monika asked MC, as Sayori bolted towards the parking lot to try to find Natsuki.

"Oh, she said she needed time to get ready, and told me to just go ahead on my own... I thought it was weird, considering it took _me_ a long time to get ready. The dress my parents bought her is nice, but it's not super complex or anything."

I smiled thinking about that. That was probably just an excuse on Natsuki's end... I could easily see her being flustered, having to explain to someone her habit of exact timing, and thus coming up with some sort excuse to justify it in a "normal" way. It felt so... her, to do that. I don't know why she has such an obsession with exact timing, but... it's oddly charming. And it's not as though she's hurting anyone or causing any trouble simply by arriving exactly at a set time, so it's not a problem at all.

"Well, girls will be girls..." Monika joked, smiling. "Yuri, why don't you go help Sayori out? She's probably having trouble getting around in those heels."

I nodded, wordlessly leaving Monika and MC behind and walking towards the parking lot, looking back to mentally imprint the location of our little area in my memory. As I left them, I noticed the crowd had slightly bulked up since I last walked through it - a result of people like Natsuki, no doubt. Speaking of Natsuki, I find the person sent after her struggling to keep balance in the parking lot.

"S-Sayori...!" I said, catching up to her and steadying her with my hands.

"A-Ah!" Sayori briefly shouted, before realizing it was me. "Oh, Yuri! Sorry, jeez, I didn't realize it was you. Sorry, these heels are giving me a little bit of trouble..."

I smiled lightly at her, helping her to regain her balance. "Don't worry... heels have never been my forte, either, so I opted not to wear them tonight."

In reality, I'd chosen not to wear them because they were out of line with my preferred aesthetic, and I didn't need any extra height. Walking in them was no challenge for me, but I may as well help Sayori feel a bit better.

"Eh, it's no biggie..." Sayori insisted, trying to walk on her own now that I'd balanced her. As I look up to make sure she's doing well, I notice a blip of pink appear in the relative darkness that slowly encompassed this area as the sun set.

"Uhm... is that Natsuki?" I asked, pointing to the figure slowly approaching us - the figure whose face I could scare make out.

Sayori squinted, shading her eyes as if she were a sailor spotting land, when she obviously didn't need to.

"Yeppers! That's Nats, alright!"

I smiled as Natsuki became clearer as she approached us, smiling as she saw Sayori struggling in her heels.

"Sayori, did you really decide to wear heels tonight?" Natsuki teased, putting her hands on her hips as she arrived.

"Oi, oi oi oi oi oi oi! I can wear heels just fine, thank you very much!" Sayori assured, standing up straight. "I'm perfectly capable!"

Natsuki sight, crossing her arms and shaking her head as she smiled. "Keep insisting, then, ya big dummy..."

"Oh, shut up and give me a hug already!" Sayori insisted, falling into Natsuki and wrapping her arms around her tightly. Natsuki returned the gesture by wrapping her own arms around Sayori, creating a peaceful moment between the two, as I just sort of... stood to the side, unsure of what to do with myself. Once they broke their embrace, Natsuki turned to me and acknowledged my existence.

"Yuri... I-I..." She took a second to find her words, before she smiled warmly and looked right at me. "It's... nice to see you."

I smiled back at her. "I-I... t-thank you. It's nice to see you, too."

Natsuki opened her arms, looking to the side embarrassedly as she wordlessly offered me a hug. I accepted walking into her embrace and accepting it with open arms. As we embraced, I looked down at the person in my arms, and found that she looked... exceptional. Her dress was fashioned nicely - a frilled collar ran around her neck, connecting in the front to the main body of the dress. It ran diagonally down under her arms and around her side, meeting up again at around her lower back - leaving her shoulders and upper back exposed. Below the main body, the dress was ended with a "tube" of light cloth around her waist, continuing into a lightly frilled dress skirt, continuing to about her knees. She was... beautiful. She had some light makeup on, but... it didn't really matter, she was beautiful with or without it.

As we pulled away from one another, Natsuki looked up at me. "Jeez, it's kinda weird seeing you with your hair up like that..." She remarked.

"U-Uhm, yes... I-I thought it might look nice. I-It is a special occasion, after all..." I said, trying to justify my decision to wear it up.

"Hm... maybe I should try letting mine down, then?" Natsuki mused. Before Sayori or I could comment on the idea, however, Natsuki had already taken out the decorative ribbons in her hair, letting her pigtails rejoin her hair into one, frankly quite messy, mass. As she smoothed out her hair with her hands, it became more coherent, and... quite beautiful. The last time I'd seen her with her hair down was in the hospital, but now... i-it felt right. Like this was the first time I'd _truly_ seen her with her hair down.

"Well? Whaddaya think?" Natsuki asked.

"Uhm... q-quite nice," I commented, putting my thoughts into a concise, non-romantic comment. Sayori, however, was significantly less restrained.

"OhmygodohmygodohmygodohmyGOD!!! Natsuki!! You look so pretty!!" She beamed, unable to bounce physically because of her heels. But she was bouncing in spirit.

"J-Jeez, Sayori! I-I guess I'll wear it like this, then..." Natsuki said, patting her hair down into a natural shape, letting it flow to just beyond her shoulders. She looked... stunning, to put it in a word.

"U-Uhm... shall we head back to the rest of the club, then?" I suggested.

"Oh yeah! Yep, let's go group up with MC and Monika," Sayori added, as if she forgot why we were here to begin with.

"Tsch! If you can get back without falling over," Natsuki jabbed. To soften the blow of her tease, she offered some help. "Need Yuri and I to help you balance or something?"

Sayori shook her head, grinning with pride. "Nope! It'd be better for me to learn how to properly walk in these things, anyway, right?"

Natsuki folded her arms. "I mean, I guess. Whatever floats your boat."

"And my boat is floating perfectly! So, uh... yeah," Sayori smiled, unsure how else to end her sentence. And so, she led the "charge" back to the little corner in which the literature club had set up. As if by some sort of divine intervention, Sayori managed to get through the entire walk without falling down. Perhaps she had a point about learning to walk in heels? Or she was living proof of the divine... more likely the former.

"Oooooi! Monika, MC!" Sayori shouted, waving to our comrades as they appeared in our vision. MC looked over to Sayori, Natsuki, and I, smiling warmly as he did. Monika sat and waved at us. I cringed a little as some unnecessary attention was drawn to us, but it quickly faded as the buzz of the festival began settling in. Some people dressed nicely - I was under the impression that it was expected - but others opted to go more casual, with some even wearing their school jackets. All these decisions made for quite the eclectic-looking crowd, but I suppose that's the disjointed nature of the student body in full effect. Of course, that's assuming it _is_ disjointed... I can't say I know much about the student body as a whole, given my reclusive nature. But sometimes I like to make assumptions like that.

As we finally reached the literature club, MC smiled as he saw Natsuki. "Hey, Natsuki, you look great tonight."

Natsuki blushed and folded her arms. "Thanks, I guess... ya big weirdo," She added, as if to tell him "I appreciate your comment but I'm too shy to tell you." Had I become that good at reading her...? Or I was making baseless assumptions, as I'd done with the student body? I did know her quite well...

"I agree with MC. The hair down is a good look," Monika added, smiling as she sipped what I can only assume was some sort of punch from a clear plastic cup. Seeing it made me realize how easily I could spike the punch with the wine I brought, but... I don't really know why that thought came to mind. It's kind of morbid, and cruel. I'd never do such a thing...

"Tsch! Thank Yuri for that, I saw her with her hair up and thought I might switch things up," Natsuki remarked.

"Aaah, so it's like you're switching styles, then?" MC speculated.

"N-Not necessarily... Natsuki usually wears her hair up in pigtails. I-I'm wearing mine up in a ponytail tonight..." I commented.

"Well, yeah, it's not an _exact_ switch, but still. Your hair's up, Natsuki's is down. It's kind of a switch," MC said.

"OOOoooooOOh!" Sayori interjected. "Yuriiiii! You should _totally_ put your hair up in pigtails!"

"E-Eh?!" I bashfully emoted. "I-I could never..."

"Might be fun, I dunno," MC said, smiling as he picked up a cup of punch and had a drink - well, he had a quick swig before he promptly spat it out. "Eaugh! That's _wayyy_ too bitter for punch..."

Ignoring MC's comment about the punch, Sayori went on. "C'mon, Yuri! It'd be sooooo _cuuuute!!_ And Natsuki could do it up for you, right?"

"Yeah, I guess I could do that..." Natsuki grumbled.

"W-Well... r-regardless of whether I would or wouldn't, tonight isn't the night to experiment..." I said, trying to weasel my way out of the situation. I like Natsuki's hair, pigtails suit her nicely but... I couldn't wear them myself, no.

Sayori sighed. "Eh, I guess you're right... but promise me you will someday, 'kayyyy?" Sayori asked. Promise her...? I-I don't know about that... glancing over to Natsuki, I noticed her staring at me with some sort of hope shining her eyes, before she noticed me looking over to her and promptly looked down the ground. So Natsuki wants me to do it, huh...?

"I-I... I suppose I could, eventually..." I said.

"Ooooh! Nice, nice! You're gonna love it, Yuri, I promise!" Sayori promised.

With that, conversation mostly fell to a few comments here and there, consistent with the buzz of the slowly growing crowd. Sayori's head would perk up every so often as a student came particularly close to the booth, only for them to pass. I doubt anyone's really interested in joining... as Monika once said, most high schoolers lack a passion for literature. The purpose of the cupcakes was to entice new students to join the club, but even that hasn't worked. Of course, I'm not upset by it by any stretch - personally, I'd much prefer it if the club remained the way it is: a small group of a few people who know each other well. I can't say for certain, but from what I've observed, I feel that assuming that Natsuki, too, prefers that situation, is safe... I'm not too certain about MC. I could easily see him swaying with Sayori's opinion - that the club needs more members - but from what I've seen of him, he isn't very sociable. He's not a recluse by any stretch, but... meeting new people might be difficult for him. But regardless of opinions on the topic, it seems that the club won't be gaining any new members this evening.

"Literature club?" An unfamiliar voice said. I looked up to see a relatively petite girl - not quite on Natsuki's level, but still small and thin - standing over the club. She had crimson red hair, mostly allowed to flow freely save for a few braids decoratively strung up from her part to her ear and hanging down from there, that was relatively short, for a girl. Of course, it only appeared that way because of the braids... if those had been let free, it could easily reach her mid back. Perhaps that's a bit of an exaggeration, considering that the braids aren't very thick, but they are long, so they certainly occupy some of her hair length. Her face is a bit short, her cheeks notably fat, and her eyes are adorned with a pair of black glasses that rest comfortably upon her nose. She was dressed in a black dress, adorned with a few red accessories, and she wore black, fingerless dress gloves, extending to her elbow, with red borders at the end and finger holes. She had decorative spiderweb earrings, which I found quite pretty.

"Yes, the literature club!" Sayori beamed, happy to see a potential new member. She shot up to her feet, offering the girl a firm, enthusiastic handshake. "I'm the vice president, Sayori Tanemura!"

Intrigued by the developments, Monika stood up and waltzed on over to Sayori and the new girl. She introduced herself as she approached.

"Hello there. Monika Katsuji, club president," She said, smiling.

"Hey," The new girl said. Her expression seemed eternally placid, her voice monotone and oddly nasally. But she didn't seem disinterest, just kinda... weird. I suppose that was a bit hypocritical for me of all people to say...

"Eimi. Eimi Furushima." The girl introduced herself.

"Tell me, do you like literature?" Monika asked. "Have a cupcake, why don't you?"

"Ah, a cupcake. I will have once, since you offered," This "Eimi" said, reaching over to grab one of Natsuki's great creations. Upon taking a bite, she allowed a small smile to show her satisfaction. "Very nice."

Natsuki grinned at the new girl, but as soon as this Eimi returned her attention to Sayori and Monika, Natsuki leaned over and whispered to me.

"I know her... well, _of_ her. She's a weirdo, she's in my sixth period."

"Well... p-perhaps she'll make a nice addition to the club," I said, hoping to make the best out of this situation. Of course, it wasn't an issue with Eimi herself... it was simply that I still held that I didn't want any new members. Of course, it's not in me to try to sabotage the process of her joining, or to voice my concerns... perhaps Eimi's a nice person.

"Oooooooi, oi oi oi oi oi, oi, oi, _ooooooi_ ," A boy loudly interjected, appearing from behind Eimi, putting a hand on her shoulder. He was significantly taller than her, maybe even as tall as me, and his greasy, black hair was styled into a poorly-maintained pompadour. He was dressed in a black jacket, held together by a few sparse golden buttons. "You joinin' a club, Eimi?" He asked.

Eimi looked up at him. "Do I know you?" She asked flatly. He grimaced in embarrassment, looking back at some of his friends who'd begun snickering at his incompetence.

"Ooooi, oi oi oi! Don't act like you don't know me! Daisaku Hirahara, from your second period?" The boy elaborated, indirectly giving the rest of us here his name.

"Hmmn," Eimi pondered. "Ah, yes. The would-be senior who was held back. Please go away," She affirmed, pushing his hand off of her shoulder.

"Oooooooi! C'mon, don't be like that! What's the point a' joinin' a club, anyway? I mean, whaddaya got here?" He asked, gesturing to the members of the club. Before he went on, he looked down at the cupcakes and grinned, taking one and stuffing it in his mouth before he continued.

"Dr. Fuffin' Jeffyll," He said with his mouth full of cupcake, gesturing to MC, "Irunin' boarff," gesturing to Natsuki, "Lil' miff-" he swallowed - "Lil's miss deranged prissy," gesturing to Monika, "Noose McGee," gesturing to Sayroi, "and... ooh, a Kimchi. In Japan? Tsch," He said, finally gesturing to me. A... a-a kimchi. I-I knew what he meant, a-a Korean...

_"Heh! C'mon, guys, you really going after a Kimchi?" One of the boys asked._

_"Don't matter to me! It's Valentine's day, so who cares?" Another said, holding my arms down to the ground._

_"My pops says not to trust 'em..." The first boy said._

_"P-P-P-Please! L-L-L-L-L-L-L-" I stammered, trying to beg for them to let me go._

_"You gonna stammer forever, lil' miss Kimchi?" Another boy said, leaning down and spitting in my face. "Hehehu!"_

_"Eh, guess it doesn't matter too much, anyway..." The first boy said, coming over to join the others surrounding me. He grinned and tightly gripped my breast, squeezing it tightly, until it hurt._

_"O-Ow! P-P-P-P-P-Please! S-S-St-S-St-Stop!" I begged, tears streaming from my eyes._

_"Gimme three good reasons why, princess! You got ten seconds to convince me!" The boy pinning me down said. "One..."_

_"I-I-I-I-I-I'm n-not ready! I-I-I-I d-d-don't want m-m-m-my first kiss to b-b-be like this!" I shot out between choked sobs._

_"Hehah!" Another boy laughed. "Who cares? Rejected!"_

_"Two..." The boy pinning me down counted._

_"I-I-I-I... y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-you d-d-don't-"_

_"Ten!" He skipped ahead, bringing his heavy head down onto mine, the oppressive, disgusting smell of his breath filling my nose as he... a-as he... a-a-as he pressed his disgusting lips onto mine, stealing my first kiss..._

I began panting, not taking much notice of Sayori and Natsuki arguing with the intruder. I... I-I-I... h-he reminded me so much of _them_... I-I never knew any of their names, b-but... w-was... w-w-was he one of them? I-I-I have no way of knowing, b-b-but... w-what if it is? W-W-What if he's here to finish what he started? T-To... t-t-to take... m-my...

Breathing heavily and unable to contain my panicked tears, I quietly snuck to the back of the group, slipping away without a trace. I... I-I-I... I-I have to get away from him, I-I-I don't want him to... t-to take my v-virginity... h-he can't have it, h-h-h-he can't! I-I-I-I...

I wandered around or a moment, unsure of what to do with myself. I-I-I was panicking... t-this is bad... I-I do my best when I'm cool collected, s-s-so I just have to calm down, t-think carefully... r-right? No, n-n-n-no... I'm... I-I can't pull myself together, not with... _h-him_ after me... I grabbed a plastic cup from the refreshment table and ran away, ducking inside the school building to try to find an empty classroom. Of course, being that a festival was occurring outside, they came a dime a dozen, and so I picked a random one plopped down in a desk, pulling out the knife and bottle of wine from under my dress. P-Please, one of you, ease my suffering...

Deciding to go for the option I had the less destructive history with, I uncorked the bottle of wine and slammed the plastic cup down onto the table. I poured myself a nice, full cup of wine... I never understood why, in movies, business executives and the like only barely fill their glasses with brandy, not even enough to cover the ice. Of course, this is wine, and I don't have ice, so it doesn't matter... I down it in one heaping gulp, glugging it all down efficiently. It's... it's wine. I don't particularly enjoy the taste of it, but it's the buzz from the alcohol I'm looking for. Not satisfied yet, I pour myself another cup, swigging it down to try to get that buzz better. After a third and fourth cup, I start to feel it... the drowsiness, the lack of attentiveness. This... is better. Right?

"Uhm... Yuri..." A soft, quiet, but still very strong and distinct feminine voice says. I look up to the entrance of the room to see Natsuki standing there. "Is that... wine?" She asked.

I nodded, drowsily. "Y-Yeah... I-I, hehe, I stole it from my mom..."

She sighed. "How much have you had already?" She asked.

"Uh... f-four cups..."

"Jeez, Yuri!" She raised her voice out of surprise. " That's... a _lot_ of wine, for someone like you. Y'know, a 'new drinker'... that's gonna hit you like a train, y'know? You may feel drunk _now_ , but just you _wait_ until that fourth cup hits you."

"I-I... m-my apologies, I... I'm not very experienced with this sorta thiing," I moaned, letting go of the cup and letting it fall on its side on the table.

Natsuki sighed, closing the door and pulling up a desk to sit across from me. "Here, I'm corking this..." She said, grabbing the wine bottle and pushing the cork back into its position.

"You know, experienced drinkers usually take a while to get drunk. But, like I said, you're probably a pretty new drinker... am I right?"

I shook my head.

"Yeah, as I thought... four cups is gonna be pretty bad then..." Natsuki mused, resting comfortably in her chair.

I began to wonder just how Natsuki knows so much about alcohol, but of course, the realization hits me like a bullet train... h-her father...

"N-Natsuki...!" I began. "I-I...! I-I'm sorry, I-I... I should've thought about it, about, uhm... y-your father, I-I shouldn't have, uh, h-had any wine, I-I..."

Natsuki shook her head. "Hey, hey... don't worry about. I... it's fine. I mean, knowing you, you won't become an..." She swallowed, the word clearly reviving some... unpleasant memories, to say the very least. "An alcoholic, or anything. I'd never associate you with... _him_. You're... really awesome. He's not."

It was quite frank speak for Natsuki. She hadn't had anything to drink, so... where was this coming from? Perhaps the party environment made her more comfortable? I... I don't know. But spewing out the first thing I'm thinking is my nature right now, so... I dunno.

"I-I..." I sat upright, resting my arms on the table. "I'm... still sorry. For... w-wellll, uhm... you know..." I slurred.

Natsuki smirked, giggling lightly. "Y'know, I've never seen 'drunk Yuri' before. This should be interesting," She said, ending any sort of topic relating to her father. It's... understandable.

I smiled back at her, but as I did, I started feeling that third cup hit me. "Y-Yeaah..."

Natsuki burst out into laughter, noticing my immediate wooziness. "Ehehahaa! Feelin' it now, Yuri?"

I nodded, trying to get a steady focus on the room around me. But everything felt like it was moving, wobbling... like the room was made of gelatin... I-I shouldn't have done this without being an experienced drinker first... w-well, I probably shouldn't become an experienced drinker at all... b-but still, I should've, er, s-seriously considered the conseequencees...

"Jeez, sorry Yuri. That fourth cup... hoof. You're gonna have one hell of a hangover tomorrow," Natsuki quipped.

"AAaaaaAah... I-I hadn't even _hic_ thought of that..." I said, hiccuping in the middle of my sentence.

Natsuki blushed as smiled at me. "Hiccuping now, huh? Your lack of experience is showing... kinda... it's kinda cute..."

Kinda... cute? C-Cute? Natsuki thinks I'm cute...?

"Y-You... t-think that?"

Natsuki sighed, pouting as she looked at me. "Listen...! I only said it 'cuz I think you're gonna forget it later. I wouldn't be surprised if you forgot this entire conversation by the time you wake up tomorrow," She explained, with a uniquely Natsuki energy.

"I-I haven't had _that_ much to drink..."

"Three - sorry, four - cups is a _lot_ for someone new, like you."

"W-Well? What about _hic_ four cups in you?"

"Pssh. That'd kill me, hehe.," Natsuki laughed. "Well, y'know, obviously it wouldn't _literally_ kill me, but that'd be a lot for someone like me. But I'm not drinking at all, so that's kinda a moot point."

I smiled and giggled, suddenly feeling my fourth and final cup of wine take its effect. "Oooh... hooooh... _hic_ I-I..." I slurred, as the world began spinning wildly. There were as many as five, six Natsukis sitting across from me, and all of them sighed, talking to me in unison.

"Jeez... I can't bring you back to the others in this state. I'll need a pretty good excuse, huh? Got any ideas?"

I thought for a second - well, drunkenly _tried_ to think. But focus on anything was literally impossible, so I sputtered out some nonsense.

"I... died. Hehehe, tell them that..." I giggled.

Natsuki smirked. "So that's drunk Yuri, huh? I didn't realize she was such a comedy master."

I smiled, resting my head on the table and laughing wildly. "She's coooool... and sooo fuckin' hooootttt..." I mindlessly rambled.

Natsuki sighed, resting her head in her hand. "Yep... she sure is," She said.

"Hehuhu..." I giggled quietly, vaguely familiar with what Natsuki was saying - that I was hot. I mean, coolio on herlio for thinking that... but suddenly, the sensation of my bladder squeezing itself overtook me. I... I had to use the restroom, before I pissed myself...

"H-Hey, Natsuki, I kinda gotta peeee..." I said, resting my chin in on my arms as I looked up at her.

She sighed. "You need help getting there?" She asked, sounding as though she were already aware of the answer. I nodded, recognizing how incapable I was of moving on my own.

"Alright, c'mon then..." She said, standing up and hoisting me up to my feet by the arm. She held me up by wrapping her arm around my waist, and I could feel her warmth pressing up against me. Natsuki was... s-she was hot, too.

"H-Hey, Natsuki... y-you're hot, too," I said, smiling at her. She looked down and blushed.

"O-Oh, come on... you're just saying that 'cuz you're drunk..." She murmered.

"N-No, I..." I swallowed a hiccup. "I-I think you are... I-I mean, you think I'm hot, so it's coolio..."

Natsuki smiled. "Coolio... is that drunk Yuri's favorite word?" She asked, evading the previous topic.

I smiled. "I-I learned it from you..."

Natsuki looked up for a moment, pondering that. "Huh... I guess you did."

"I-I wouldn't lie about that... Natsu..." I said, accidentally calling her by a cute nickname.

Blushing profusely now, Natsuki wordlessly walked me out of the room and to the women's restroom. Thank goodness no one was there to witness the journey to the bathroom, or I may've died of embarrassment. Hey, something like that might be enough to sober me up... but it's not worth it. At least for now, I want to live.

As I got to the bathroom, Natsuki left me to my own devices and waited on the opposite side of the hallway, leaning against the wall. Fortunately, my drunkenness had not rendered me unable to pee, and so I made quick work of taking a piss and washing my hands - of course, it would've been a lot quicker had I been sober, but it's a bit late to lament on that.

Having finished up, I step outside the bathroom to see Natsuki still leaning back against the wall on the opposite end of the hallway. "Welcome back," She said, her smirk dripping with sarcasm.

"H-Hey," I said, stumbling forward towards her.

"You good to walk on your own?" Natsuki asked, perking up a little, the sarcasm gone from her tone and her expression. This was... genuine concern.

"Y-Yeah, I... I-I'm fffine," I slurred, stumbling forwards towards her. I-If I can just reach that wall, I can gain some balance...

"...you sure? You look like you're about to fall over," Natsuki asked, remarking on the obvious.

"Y-Yeah, I'm... good..." I said, lying through my teeth as my balance failed me. As soon I got to the wall, as soon as I stood before Natsuki, I gave in - or rather, my legs gave in. I fell forwards, trying to protect myself from slamming into the wall or the floor by holding up my arms. I succeeded in keeping my body safe, and I found myself leaning up against the wall, propped up by my arms. But... as I opened my eyes, the source of the hot breath on my neck became apparent. I... I-I'd fall over Natsuki, and I was now hovering just over her, our faces inches apart.

"Uhm... Y-Yuri..." Natsuki said. My eyes opened wide, my mental state slightly sobering up in the serious situation. Natsuki's expression contorted into the same one I had - wide eyes and a small mouth. But with the minty smell of her breath filled my nose, combined with my drunkenness, it became hard to focus on what exactly I should do...

"N... Nat... su... ki...." I slowly muttered. I... I wasn't ready to move out of this situation... with my own unsureness, and Natsuki's unwillingness to move, it became... u-uhm... I-It sounds cliche, but it's as if time was frozen... as if it had been stopped in its tracks, leaving Natsuki and I this close to one another for eternity...

To my surprise, breaking the stopped time, I felt a pair of hands wrap around me and grip my hips... N-Natsuki's hands... I looked down at her hands on my hips and blushed even harder, astonished that such a thing was even possible...

"N-Nats-"

I turned to look back at her, but as I did, she interrupted me. But she didn't say anything... s-she...

She... planted her lips on mine...

My eyes widened, letting me witness that Natsuki had squeezed hers shut. I... I...

I relented... I-I closed my eyes... a-a-and... I... I-I kissed back... I kissed back.

Time froze again. It was if one moment lasted for the rest of time, forever and... a-and ever, and ever... and... ever...

But... unfortunately, it seems that even eternity must come to an end... Natsuki pulled back first, and I opened my eyes to look at her. I smiled.

"N... Natsu..." I said.

"I..." Natsuki said, looking down at the floor. "I-I...!"

She pushed me off. "O-O-Oh, m-my god, I-I...! I-I'm so sorry, I-I-I'm so so so sorry...! Y-Yuri!"

"N-Natsuki..." I said, relatively sobered up by the sensation of Natsuki's kiss. The taste of Natsuki's fruity lip gloss lingered on my lips, and I felt them with my fingers.

"O-Oh, g-g-g-godddd... I-I-I-I..." Natsuki stammered, pacing around. "I-I-I... g-god, I-I-I... I-I'm sorry, I-I have to go."

"N-Natsu...!"

"N-No! I-I... g-good night..." Natsuki said with shaky finality, storming off down the hall. I tried to pursue her, but my drunkenness overcame me, and I collapsed onto the floor.

And so, there I sat, watching my love leave me behind. I felt my lips again, remembering the sensation of Natsuki's lips on mine... i-it... was a kiss. My first kiss... well... no, but... my first _real_ kiss, my first _genuine_ kiss. The first time I'd _had_ a kiss, rather than having one taken from me... the first time I'd enjoyed a kiss, the first time I'd wanted a kiss... t-the person who I felt, from the bottom of my heart, that I wanted to kiss... the first person who made me feel the way I did, the way they always describe in romance novels... t-the excitement you feel when someone enters a room, how happy you feel when they're nearby, the pure joy you get from seeing them, from being around them... the feeling you get when you see them nearby, that makes you _want_ to kiss them. That very special sensation... l-love...

"Natsuki... I-I... I love you..." I faintly mumbled, too late for her to hear. She'd already disappeared around the corner, gone for the evening. My... my love... my first love...

N... Natsuki...


	32. The meaning of "us"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wherein I examine what exactly Natsuki and I are.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for being gone so long again! I decided to watch Clannad and Clannad ~Afterstory~ which made me INCREDIBLY sad and made it difficult for me to write. Still a good watch though, would recommend it. Big thanks to BlimeyMooMimey for releasing the new chapter of Home to get me to finish this chapter! I'll try to be more consistent in updating, sorry for being so dumb lol. Anyway, I hope you enjoy the chapter~!

Why... w-why is everything... nng... s-so... bright?

This is the first question in my mind as soon as I wake up. The second question is as follows:

Why do I feel like this?"

I groggily sit up in bed, immediately deciding that doing so was a mistake. I feel my head throbbing as if it were about to split in twain, and I understand now: this is what is called a hangover.

I groan, clambering out of bed slowly. I couldn't focus on anything, I just needed water... water, and rest... water, and rest...

Today would be... Thursday. Thursday, February 15th, 2018. That would also make it the day after the Valentine's Day festival at our school. Last night, I'd had too much wine and became irrecoverably drunk, and was lucky enough to keep my behavior under wraps when my mother picked me up. I didn't see Natsuki for the rest of the night after she...

A-After she... kissed me...

I felt my lips, a split second of freedom from the horrific head pain giving me a bit of clarity. But just as quickly as it had arrived, it had vanished. I groaned, leaving my room and descending downstairs, hoping to get a glass of water. F-Fuck... everything was so... bright...

I did as my body demanded - I got a glass of water, taking a nice, long, glug of it. I needed it... after downing more than two-thirds of it, I topped it off and carried it upstairs with me, setting it at my bedside as I closed the blinds and clambered under the covers again... I had no objections to skipping school in this sort of condition... as I've said before, my mother has a talent for determining when I didn't need to be waken up, and clearly this was one of those times. But I couldn't dwell on anything right now... I couldn't think... my mind was about to explode all over the walls, creating a disgusting, gory mess... I need... rest... water, and rest... water, and rest...

* * *

I woke up the next day not quite so inebriated as I was before. Despite my sober state, my instincts and desire to be asleep at this hour left me tired and upset. And so I sighed, groggily getting out of bed, fortunately not in pain. I looked at my clock, however, to reveal a disappointing 3:18 AM. I slept all day yesterday, and got so much rest, I woke up too early the day after... quite the problems I have. I sighed, now decidedly awake, and laid in bed. I was left alone, with nothing but my thoughts to occupy me... I could read, I suppose, but I don't quite want to surrender to the sensation of awakeness at a time like this, as I fed on the hope that I could still attain that state of sleep. It's hard to say that I'd rather stay awake when I'm asleep, and that felt no truer than it did now. I groaned, rolling onto my belly in bed. The sun hadn't risen yet... I suppose I got it as a treat all to myself... ah, the sunrise... such a beautiful sight, shared so often by lovers...

_Natsuki giggled. "C'mon, Yuuu~!" She teased. "The sun's gonna rise without you~!"_

_I sighed, tired and groggy. "C-Can't we wait another time...?" I groaned, barely opening my eyes to look at her._

_Natsuki firmly shook her head. "C'mon, it's our anniversary! You promised me you'd see the sunrise with me, and today's the day!"_

_"Natsuuu..." I groaned, looking at the clock. 4:58 AM. "Fine... you got me up..."_

_Natsuki grinned. "There you go~!" She said, holding my head up by the jaw, one hand on each side, and kissing me on the lips. "Get up, sleepy bones, you don't wanna miss it, do ya? I'll make you breakfast~!"_

_"I couldn't possibly ask that of you..." I said, sitting up in the bed and sliding into some pants. Natsuki, of course, was fully dressed already._

_"Mmn! No, I will! It's our anniversary, after all! C'mon, Yuyu~! Let's goooo~!" She mock-whined. I smiled at her, that cute little fang poking out from her teeth._

_"Alright, fine... you woke me up~" I said, holding her cheeks and kissing her on the lips. "I love you, Natsu~"_

_She grinned at me, blushing lightly. "I love you too, Yuyu~"_

I opened my eyes wide, rolling onto my back before sitting straight up in bed. W-What... t-that was a fantasy... I-I imagined a fantasy in my head, of watching the sun rise with Natsuki. I-I... that was the first thing I thought of...? Being with Natsuki...? Of course... the day of the festival, Wednesday, s-she... kissed me...

I felt my lips, as if I could somehow feel her spiritually by putting fingers where she'd kissed me, but... of course, nothing happens... s-she... kissed me... and I liked it... I-I loved it. I may've been drunk, but when she kissed me, it was... it was a sobering experience, and even now, when I'm well awake, I... I don't regret it. I... I'm so happy that she kissed me... I smiled thinking about it.

But Natsuki... she ran away. She ran away and hid, ran off around the corner, away from me... wha... w-why? Why would she run?I tried to remember what I could of the incident, my memory surprisingly good, given my drunkenness at the time - but, like I said, the kiss was... sobering. She... sputtered out an apology, sounding like she was panicking, and left. She was so upset, as if she committed some grave sin by kissing me, when I... I smiled at her. Did she not like it...? But why, then, would she have kissed me to begin with? Some experiment, to see how it feels? N-No, that doesn't sound like Natsuki... I know her, and... t-that just doesn't sound like her. We all make mistakes in the heat of passion... perhaps Natsuki's kiss was one of them. But I view it as anything but a mistake... I... needed it. I wanted it. I wanted it... I wanted Natsuki... if my own thought process told me anything, it's that... I want Natsuki. I want to love Natsuki, I want to be in a relationship with Natsuki... I-I want to hold her hand, I want to kiss her, I want to wake up to her in the morning... I want to do so many things with her... and for the first time, I can admit that, without thinking about when I was at my worst.

I sighed, smiling as I looked dejectedly at the covers. She did run away... and she was nervous... w-will she speak to me...? I-I want to talk to her, but... I don't know if she'll talk to me... I can't say what her motivation was, b-but... me being who I am, I can only imagine the worst...

_Did she hate the kiss...?_

_Does she hate me now...?_

_Does she hate herself for kissing me...?_

_Is she going to hurt herself...?_

I wave the uncomfortable thoughts out of my mind... I... I don't think she hates me, realistically... _unless_... n-no, s-she probably doesn't... but making judgements on anything right now is a bad idea. I don't know what Natsuki's thinking, what she feels, because she hasn't told me. And so, all I can do is wait for the opportunity to talk to her...

I sigh, looking back over at the clock. Not enough time has elapsed yet... I'm bored... and I don't want to lie awake for the the next three hours, doing nothing but thinking. So... perhaps I coud visit my old friend, my journal... after all, it's been a bit since I last wrote an entry. I suppose I may as well... I reach over and turn on my lamp, lazily climbing out of bed, grabbing a pencil and my journal, opening it at my desk.

* * *

2/16/2018

Hello my dearest journal. It's been a bit of time since my last entry. It's currently well past 3 AM, and I've been awoken at this hour, without much power to return to sleep. I've tried, but I'm alone with nothing but my thoughts. And, so dearest journal, as the receptacle of my thoughts, I figure I may as well have a talk with you.

Natsuki makes me feel

* * *

I hold the pencil against the paper, stopping at _feel_. I try to put something into motion, to start a sentence. _Natsuki makes me feel like..._ what? How does Natsuki make me feel? She makes me feel wonderful, yes, but... t-that doesn't feel right... well, it doesn't feel like it does my feelings justice, like it's an understatement. Frustrated with my inability to put my feelings into words, I erase the journal entry thus far, beginning anew... rather, I try begin anew. But I can't. I can't think of a way to convey the way I feel on paper... a task at which I am usually so gifted, now escapes me. I... I don't know what to say...

I sigh, closing my eyes for a moment. Why... say... anything? I remember when I was unhealthy... when I was obsessed... I conveyed my thoughts through an image. A sketch, of the object of my affection... Natsuki. And so, I... I let my hand move. Never have I been the artist, but... I.. t-this feels right. It feels better than trying to force my feelings into clunky text, when I don't think I can do that...

* * *

2/16/2018

* * *

I smiled, looking down at the image I'd created. I... love her. P-Perhaps it was a bit off of me, to sketch my crush, but... for once, I can accept being a bit odd. I know this is different from when I was unhealthy, I _know_ it is, so it... it feels fine. I... I...

I love her.

I can accept that. I am in love. In love with the girl who quickly became my best friend in such a short period of time, who used to detest me to my core. For the longest time, I accepted that we would never get along - that I would always be stuck to the side, watching from afar, my only interactions with her being when she argued with me, berated me over little things, accepting it because I know the way I made her feel. But... everything's different now. I love her... I love her. Genuinely, for the first time in my life, I am healthily in love.

After taking a second to admire the sketch I'd drawn out onto the paper, I close my journal and smile, clambering on back into bed. I want to talk to her... I need to talk to her. I need to get through to her, so we can understand one another. Or... e-everything's going to fall apart. And god forbid, b-because I... I don't want that... I want us to understand one another. I want us to be with one another.

I want... to be her girlfriend.

* * *

The next morning is one wherein I would normally feel groggy, unable or unwilling to get out of bed. Considering that I'd woken up past 3 AM and took some time getting back to sleep, I believe it's be an understandable disposition to have... in direct contrast to that, however,I hop out of bed with an unusual vigor, already exceeded to return to school, ready to... to see to Natsuki, to speak to her. Today was my chance to understand her...

I swiftly ran a brush through my hair before I had a quick shower, and nibbled a small breakfast, all actions performed as efficiently as possible in the interest of getting to school as soon as I could. Never once have I been so excited to go to school... I've always considered it an uncomfortable environment, the sort of place I want to be the least. Studies have never particularly engaged me, sans literature and art on occasion, and the social environment is terrifying... but of course, this isn't about all that. This is about Natsuki... this is about my chance to talk to her again, for the first time since the festival, so that I can come to understand what happened. Natsuki...

As soon as I arrived at the front of the building - and had a quick look around - I found that to my disappointment, she was nowhere to be found.

Of course, perhaps I shouldn't have gotten myself so... well, "riled up," so to speak. It's early in the school day, before even first period began. Natsuki isn't at the front of the building, where many students gather, but that's not unexpected... she tends to hang around Aoi by the vending machines in the morning, as I recall it. So, naturally, I go over to the vending machines, disappointed to only find Aoi, alone.

"Hi, Aoi," I say quietly, approaching her calmly with a weak smile on my face. As I neared her, she took noticed of me and looked at me with a gleeful smile, her bag in her hands..

"Heyy, Yuri~! It's been too long, I didn't see you at the festival, or school yesterday~!" She said, posing on her tippy-toes as she grinned widely at me.

"Y-Yeah... uhm, I-I'm sorry, I was feeling ill yesterday, s-so I didn't come to school... m-my apologies..." I say, quick to realize that I left Natsuki and Aoi alone yesterday. Of course, at least Natsuki was there to keep Aoi company...

Aoi waved my concern away with the flick of her hand. "Pshhh, don't worry about it for even a second! I'm not gonna get mad at you for being sick, yes, yes!" She said, cheerfully, as I'd expect from her.

"A-Ah, thank you for being understanding..." I said, smiling weakly, shakily, before I continue. "U-Uhm, b-by the way... have you seen Natsuki?" I ask timidly, not meeting Aoi's eyes with my own.

Aoi shook her head. "I wanted to ask you that... she was kinda distant yesterday, really fidgety. I was worried, but she wouldn't let me ask, yes, yes."

Natsuki... that's just like her, or rather the old her - the way she was before _the incident_ , when she would shut anyone out who asked about her bruises. But rather than bruises, she now shut Aoi out for asking about what was wrong... so clearly, the kiss upset her... I felt my heart sink as I came to this understanding, but still, I was left with the boundless determination to speak to her, to come to an understanding, even if it meant never being her girlfriend. I still need... closure, regardless of the outcome.

"That's... unfortunate. I'll try to talk to her later... I hope I can," I say.

"Did... something happen?" Aoi asked, tilting her head to the side in curiosity. I... I-I'm not entirely sure what to tell her.

"Uhm... y-you could say that..." I said, being as vague as possible. Aoi frowned, pouting at me.

"You know, if you're gonna be vague like that, I can't help, yes, yes," She said, folding her arms at me.

"P-Please, I-I... I'm sorry. It's a bit of a personal thing..." I said. I don't want to mean to Aoi, I do like her, but... this sort of thing isn't really her business, as much as I hate to put it like that.

Aoi threw her hands back in the air, as though she were surrendering. "Ah, yes, yes! I understand! Forgive me for overstepping my boundaries, yes, yes~!"

I shook my head, waving her concerns off with my hand. "P-Please, d-don't worry about it... I-I understand your concern, you're our friend... b-but yes, i-it is private... I-I'm sorry..." I said, bowing lightly in apology.

"Well, I hope you find her... think she'll show up at lunch?" Aoi asked. I shook my head.

"I-I don't know..." I said. "I-I can only hope..."

Aoi smiled. "Well, if that's all we can do, then let's do it! Let's hope!"

I nodded. "Yes... let's hope Natsuki arrives at lunch today."

She did not.

Sitting at the lunch table together, without Natsuki, Aoi and I let out a collective sigh.

"Y'know, Yuri, you could go look for her..." Aoi suggesting, tracing lines around the surface of the table in pure boredom, her head resting on her arm.

"I... I don't know where to look. She wasn't in the library during free period... i-is it possible she's just not here today...?"

Aoi shook her head. "No, no, I saw her in class. But she was very dismissive again... I'm not sure if you've noticed, but I'm... I'm a kinda untactful person, so, uh, I figured pushing probably wouldn't be a good idea... yes, yes."

Aoi being this... well, introspective wasn't the correct word, but... self-aware, was rather uncharacteristic of her. She was always a rather upbeat, if blissfully ignorant person, her head in the clouds - an analogy made all the more fitting by her white, poofy hair. It's interesting to see her acknowledge her faults like so... but perhaps I'm not crediting her enough. She seems like she could be an intelligent girl, and to be introspective comes with intellectual capacity.

"I-I... t-that's very unfortunate..." I said, looking down at my lap.

Aoi nodded. "Yes, yes, quite unfortunate... I hate to ask again, but what exactly happened...?"

I shook my head. "I-I'm sorry, I... I-I can't say." It's true, I can't... if I were to tell Aoi that Natsuki and I kissed, and it then turned out that Natsuki hated the kiss, then... well, the situation would be equal parts awkward and unfortunate, if that phrasing makes sense.

Aoi groaned, but nodded resentfully as she put her elbow on the table and rested her head in her hand. "Well, 'kay, I guess. But whatever it is, I can only hope it's not gonna change things forever..."

It... probably was. I don't see Natsuki and I going "back to normal" after that kiss transpired between us. I don't exactly know what's going to happen, but... things are going to change. I want to be her girlfriend, but... i-it all depends on what Natsuki says...

"W... Where should I look...?" I asked.

Aoi hummed for a moment as she tried to answer the question. "You two have that literature club together, right?" She asked. "Why not there?"

"I-It's fully possible she won't attend the club today, if she's already not here at lunch... a-and besides, t-that's not a very private environment..."

Aoi shrugged. "Well, do you know any other places she could be?"

I shook my head. "N-Not really... I-I doubt she'd go to our spot in the library, t-that's too obvious..."

"Maybe you just gotta call her. Text her, something..." Aoi suggested, opening her lunchbox and poking absentmindedly at it with her chopsticks.

"P-Perhaps... perhaps..." I said, looking down at my phone in my blazer pocket. I'd considered it earlier, but... I-I... I didn't want to text Natsuki if she didn't want to be texted, which it certainly seems is the case, given the way she's being...

"Well, without any more info, that's about all I can do for ya, yes, yes," Aoi said, looking at me with a sympathetic smile. "But don't worry! I know Natsuki really likes ya, so I'm sure whatever it is, she doesn't hate you!" She grinned.

"T-Thank you, Aoi..." I muttered quietly, not sure if I could believe what she was saying... b-but I hope it's true...

Aoi looked up at the clock, her eyes widening and her expression panicking as she did. "A-Ah, crap! I lost track of time, lunch is almost over!" She exclaimed, scarfing down her lunch quickly to finish it before the bell rang. I laughed quietly... I wonder if she does this sort of thing on purpose sometimes, to make us feel better. I can only wonder... she's quite a nice person, then, isn't she? Of course, I already know that about Aoi... she's goofy, and ridiculous at time, but she loves her friends, and she has a heart of gold.

"Well, uhm, I-I suppose I can save my lunch for later then..." I said, looking down at my unopened lunchbox. "I-I wasn't particularly hungry, anyway..." I said.

"Fahr enuff... I goffa finiff dish doe, I'm hngy!" Aoi said, her cheeks stuffed with rice and fish.

"U-Understandable..." I said, avoiding the sight of Aoi's full mouth... I question, now, whether she really was doing this on purpose to make me feel better... I don't doubt she has a heart of gold, but at the same time, this feels completely in-line with her personality. I stand up gracefully, stepping back from the lunch table as soon as the bell rang to bring lunch period to an end. "I-I suppose I should get going, now... s-see you later, Aoi..." I said, smiling and waving her a goodbye.

"Mnf, bye!" Aoi said, swallowing the food in her mouth as I turned away and headed inside.

I stared dejectedly at the ground as I wandered through the hall, trying to get to my next class period. My thoughts fell back on Natsuki... Natsuki... what did she think of me? I know I told myself that making assumptions will do me no good, but... I still can't prevent my mind from wandering... i-if she's trying to avoid me, she can't necessarily have a positive opinion of me, t-that's for certain... b-but... w-why...? I... I-It...

The wine - the alcohol. T-That must be it.

I realized it at the festival, and for some reason, it hadn't occurred to me until now. T-The wine... I... I got drunk. I got drunk, and got help from someone who spent the first 15 years of her life with an abusive alcoholic. I stumbled on top of her, in an intimidating position, and she kissed me. I... I... I can't believe I did something so stupid... h-how could I think that _drinking_ would be a good idea...? I... I-I fucking... I...!

I stopped in the hallway as I noticed my fists had become clenched, my teeth gritted. I was visibly enraged at myself, and the tears forming around the corners of my eyes were proof of that. I get it now, I-I get it now... it was my fault... it wasn't about the kiss, that was merely a tool she used to try to appease me, to make it so my drunken self wouldn't be violent with her... it was all about the drunkenness... w-what I'd done... it was unforgivable, I was a low-down, dirty, pathetic, useless idiot, who had associated myself with Natsuki's worst memories. I was... a-an idiot. And I was trying to force Natsuki to talk to me... n-no wonder she doesn't want to be around me... for her, I'm just like her father...

I sighed, relaxing my body to the best of my ability as I trudged on. Natsuki... Natsuki... I'm so sorry...

All of sixth period, I sat there, staring out into nothingness. So, too, did I stare into nothingness during seventh, and eighth. I had nothing to focus on but Natsuki, and how I'd offended her. And how I'd... how I'd become what she hated and feared most. How I'd become her father...

The end of eighth period is generally a time in which I'm generally excited. It's the time I get to go to the literature club, to read and discuss literature, to speak to Natsuki... but I feel nothing but regret. Regret, and sorrow. Regret at the things I'd done, sorrow at the consequences... and so, I wandered around the halls, the crowd slowly thinning as people either left for their clubs, or went home. But here I was, wandering aimlessly. But while my mind had no direction, evidently, my body did. And so, as I looked up, I found myself staring down the door that opened to the library. A quick push revealed that it was still open, and without much else to do, I pushed the door fully open, stepping inside. Instinct carried me to that place, the place I knew best...

Natsuki and I's corner.

I sat down in a beanbag chair, staring dejectedly out into nothingness, and again thought of Natsuki... I... need... to... I need to... apologize. I... I won't be able to live with myself if I sit here, wallowing in my own misery. But if I hunt her down, the task will be meaningless... I have to know if she's willing to be apologized to, i-if she even wants to talk to me ever again... and so, I opened up Natsuki's contact on my phone.

_"Natsuki. If you'd like to talk, I know it's the club period, but I'm in our corner of the library. I'm sorry if this text comes as a burden. Yours, Yuri."_

I sighed and closed out my phone, throwing it back into my bag as I stared up at the ceiling, waiting patiently for something to happen, for Natsuki to arrive... I can't count on that, I know it, but... some small, stupid neuron in my brain keeps firing hope into the rest of my body.

"Yuri..." A quiet voice says, rewarding my misplaced and unfounded hope. I looked forward to see Natsuki standing before me, standing straight up, her legs together, one arm crossed over to timidly grip the other as it lay flat at her side. She was standing at an angle to me, to the point that she had to turn her head to look at me.

"N-Natsuki..." I said, a splash of surprise biting at my tone. "I..."

"I-I-I'm s-so sorry!" Natsuki suddenly shouted, closing her eyes with passion as she turned to face me, spacing her feet apart and throwing her arms behind her, her fists clenched. "I-I-I... w-what I did, i-it was t-t-terribly, I-I-I...!"

"N-Natsuki..." I said, staring at her dumbly. "I-I... _I-I_ wanted to apologize..." I said, the only thing I could think of to say... _Natsuki_ wanted to apologize...? But it was I who had made the mistake... w-why would Natsuki want to apologize...?

Natsuki looked at me, a few small tears welling at the corners of her eyes. "W-What...?"

"I-I..." I began, standing up as I swallowed and tried to push out my apology. "T-The alcohol... I... I wanted to apologize... I drank, to the point of getting drunk, w-when I shouldn't have... I knew you resent alcohol, b-but I... I-I wasn't thinking... I... I associated myself... w-with _him_... I-I wanted to apologize, a-and to tell you I... I-I understand, i-if you never want to talk to me..."

Then... w-what was Natsuki apologizing for? Perhaps she apologizing to me because she was leaving me behind, abandoning me. She's a very kind and caring person, I can see that about her through how much she's done for me... I can see her wanting to spare my feelings, but still leave me behind, anyway. How kind of her, but... a-after what I did, she needn't worry about me...

"W-What are you talking about...? I don't care about that at all..." Natsuki said. "I... _I'm_ the one that's like him!" She shouted.

"U-Uhmn...?" I emoted, unsure what she meant. She hadn't done anything wrong... what did she mean...?

"Y-You were drunk, a-and you fell on top of me, and... I... I-I took advantage of you! I kissed you when you were drunk, when you didn't know any better! I'm a terrible, disgusting, abusive person, a-and I inherited it all from _him_!" Natsuki shouted again. "I-I'm sorry!"

Natsuki fell to the ground, squatting down as she covered her eyes as she wept. I... I never considered that... I fell to my knees in front of her, putting my hands on her shoulders. "N-No, Natsuki... you're nothing like him..."

"Yes I am! Y-Yes I am!" She shouted through choked sobs. "I-I... I took advantage of you! I took advantage of you!"

"N-No! Natsuki, I..." I inhaled deeply, letting a few light teardrops drip from my eyes. "I don't regret it at all!"

"S-So what...? W-What else could I do to you when you're drunk?"

I shook my head. "No, Natsuki, y-you're not that kind of person... I know it. A-And... I'm not going to get drunk anymore, I-I... I don't think it's good for either of us..."

Natsuki sniffled, wiping her eyes and nose with her sleeve. "H-How... can you trust me, anymore? A-After I did something like that...?"

"Natsuki..." I began, smiling lightly. "I... 't-that' was... i-it... was marvelous..." I said, cupping my hand in her cheek. Natsuki stared up at me, her eyes drying.

"Y-You're just saying that because you were drunk..."

"Would... w-would I be saying it now, when I'm sober, if that were true...?" I asked, my cheeks growing hot.

"T-Then..." Natsuki said. "Y-You..."

"I..." I began, swallowing my nervousness as I began speaking to her. "N... N-Natsuki, you've significantly improved my life, since we first met..." I said. I stood up, gesturing for her to do the same, and turned my back to her as I led her towards the beanbag chairs in our corner of the library.

"When we first met... we barely 'met' to speak of, you walked past me... a-and we never really got to know one another... but despite all that, I became obsessed with you, unhealthily obsessed... I-I stalked you, for a lack of a better term... b-but when you told me off, and that came to an end, we... well, we fell into a bit of a rough patch. I felt only sorrow and insecurity, you felt only anger and resentment... a-as far as I could tell... and I still understand why you would feel that way..."

"Y-Yuri...!" Natsuki interrupted. "I-I was unreasonable then, too, okay?! I-I didn't consider everything that was up with you, and I just angrily cast you aside! I-I don't want you to put yourself down like that!" She insisted.

"B-But... I-I..."

"No buts! I sucked! I mean, yeah, stalking me sucked too, but... I-I messed up, too... 'kay?" She said. Hesitantly, I nodded, accepting her point... I... I'd have to think about it later, b-but it was besides the point I was trying to make.

"U-Uhmn... a-anyway... you decided to help me. Somehow, you discovered my greatest secret, m-my... my _habit_ , and astonishingly, despite everything I'd put you through, y-you... you decided to try to help me... a-and since then, I've... I've considered you a friend. But it was around when you were put in the hospital, that I came to understand it... t-the way I feel..." I said, taking a deep breath. "T-This is the first time I've ever felt this way about anyone... my entire life, up to that point, I'd spent my life isolating myself from others, afraid of what they think of me, afraid of what they would think if they found out my secrets... but you found that all out, you know it all, and still, you care about me... a-and... i-it was difficult to pinpoint at first, b-but I... I think I understand it now..."

I turned and looked Natsuki right in the eye, my cheeks flushing. "I... have developed a bit of a crush on you, Natsuki," I said. "B-But not just a bit... i-it... it feels very strong... very passionate... I... i-it's my first crush, so I don't have anything to go on, b-but I... I want... I-I..." I took a deep breath, steadying myself. "I... feel very strongly that I... w-well, I _like_ you, a-as they say..."

Natsuki looked me straight in the eyes as well, our gazes meeting. Her shocked expression slowly morphed into an overjoyed smile as her cheeks grew red hot. "Y-Yuri, I...! Y-You... you have no idea how long I've wanted to say that to you!" She squealed, lunging into my chest, hugging me tightly as she nuzzled her head between my breasts.

"T-Then, y-you..." I began.

"Yep~!" Natsuki said, pulling away and looking up at me. "I-I like you too!" She said, pushing the words out with a bit of force. This was a bit embarrassing for her, then, wasn't it...?

"I-I..." I said, feeling my face curling into a small, but very warm and genuine, smile. "T-That... makes me... v-very happy, Natsuki..." I said, blatantly stating my feelings in a very simple manner. I regret to say that the circumstances left me without much time to articulate my feelings better... but perhaps being direct to the point was a bit more fitting, here.

"S-So, uh..." Natsuki scratched her cheek as she looked away in embarrassment, still smiling. "W-W... Wanna be girlfriends?" She asked.

"Y-Yes!" I responded a bit too quickly, almost shouting. I calmed myself for a second, smiling at her as I responded again. "E-Erm... yes."

Natsuki grinned widely. "Y-You... you really mean that! I-I...! Y-Yuri, I-I... I-I dunno what to say!"

I smiled. "Then... why say anything? C-Come, sit with me..." I said, sitting down on a beanbag chair. To my surprise, Natsuki sat on my lap, facing me so that our faces were a few mere centimeters apart, her chest pushed against mine.

"I..." I said.

"C'mon..." She interrupted, nuzzling her nose against mine. "Let's... be girlfriends..."

I smiled, closing my eyes as I puckered my lips, allowing Natsuki and close the gap between up and kiss me. We were inexperienced with this beyond the festival kiss, b-but... we each tried our hardest, not entire sure what to do. But I enjoyed the taste of Natsuki's lipgloss... it was fruity and sweet, just like her... I loved the scent of her perfume... the soft texture of her hair... e-everything about her, I could now admit, I loved it all...

Natsuki pulled away after a few seconds, wrapping her arms around me and nuzzling her head in my chest. "Wanna go back to the club...?" She asked.

I smiled, closing my eyes as I sighed with delight. "They can wait a bit longer for us... t-they'll be fine..."

"Y-Yeah..." Natsuki said. "H-Hey, uhmn, b-by the way... w-wanna hold hands in the hall, when we go there...?" Natsuki asked.

I smiled. "Y... Yes..."

I looked down to see Natsuki's head, comfortably nuzzled against my chest. She could probably feel my heart palpitating with nervousness... n-no, not quite nervousness anymore. Passion, love... whatever it is you feel when you know that everything's going to be fine, because for the first time, you have a girlfriend.

I smiled as I ran my fingers through Natsuki's hair, thinking about that word. Girlfriend... Natsuki is my girlfriend...

I giggled lightly. Natsuki is my girlfriend.

* * *

**CONCLUDE, ACT II**


	33. The first 24 hours, Part 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Where Yuri and I are girlfriends together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Eheh, sorry for the wait again... I couldn't use the edit function for a while cuz my computer can be dumb, and, well, you know, quarantine is kinda killing my motivation and all... plus, I'm bad at writing fluff. But I hope I can be more regular with updates. I mean, yeah, it's a big if, but I hope I can. I'm not abandoning the story :)

**OPEN, ACT III**

* * *

It honestly felt kinda unreal. I mean, yeah, I'd wanted this for a long time, but I never really seriously considered that it'd really happen. It all... i-it all moved so fast, too, so fast that I almost didn't have enough time to process it. I mean, t-that kiss at the festival... it all but came out of the blue, I don't know what came over me to do that. The next day she wasn't here, b-but then, well... I-I avoided her all day today, and then she texted me, and I was ready to apologize and for our friendship to be over, b-but instead... well, I guess we're _technically_ not friends anymore. But we're more than that, more than friends. And that's what I've wanted for so long now, the thing I thought would remain a fantasy dreamed up in my wildest imagination for the rest of time.

"...Natsuki?" Yuri called my name, and I realized I'd looked off into the distance, a distracted mess. I looked up to meet her gaze, her deep lavender eyes penetrating my soul and making my heart melt just by existing.

"Y-Yes?" I responded.

"Uhm... w-we're about to approach the club..." She said, looking down at our hands intertwined. "S-Should we... g-go in like this...? O-Or..."

I sighed, my lovey-dovey trance now ended. Back to reality, Natsuki. "I guess not... Sayori would _freak_ if she found out. Plus, there's that new kid..."

"N... New kid?" Yuri asked.

"Hmn? Don't you remember? Eimi, from the festival?"

"A-Ahh..." Yuri emoted, remembering now. "I-I almost forgot... she joined?"

I nodded. "Yeah. I know you wanted to keep the club small, but, erm..."

Yuri shook her head. "I-It's fine... s-she's just one person, and she seems nice..."

"Nice... I mean, yeah, _nice_. Maybe a little weird."

Yuri smiled. "W-Well... we're a little weird, aren't we? And so are Sayori, and MC, and Monika..."

"Well... yeah, you're right," I said, smiling back at her. Yuri pulled her soft, warm, hand away from me, the lack of her tender touch leaving my hand feeling empty.

"A-Anyway... let's go," Yuri said, smiling at me. "W-We can hang out more after school... right?" She asked.

I nodded eagerly. "O-Oh, yeah, of course! S-Should I come over to your house? Or vice-versa? O-Or..."

"Why don't we go out?" Yuri asked, eyeing me lovingly. "We can make it our 'first date'..."

I smiled so widely it felt like the corners of my mouth hit my ears as my face flushed even more than before, somehow. "Y-Yeah...! Y-Yeah, I'd love that! Let's go out!"

Yuri winked. "Then let's do that... after club, of course," She said.

I nodded. "Yeah... well, let's not keep them waiting any longer," I said, mimicking Yuri's position. Really, I have no issue with keeping those guys waiting. _Really_ what I wanna do is make out with Yuri in the library or something, but... we haven't even gone on a date yet, so maybe that's a bit too soon. But... we _have_ felt this way about each other for quite a long while now. We weren't dating then, but we liked each other, and we were close, so does that count for something...? I dunno, I dunno... Yuri said she didn't really have any experience with this whole thing, and to be frank, neither do I. But if she wants to take things a little slower, I'm willing to slow down for her. She _is_ my girlfriend, after all.

I grinned stupidly as I thought that, my cheeks flushing again. I love that... having a girlfriend, having that girlfriend be Yuri...

I calmed myself down, though, as we approached the club door. Yuri entered first, lightly tapping on the open door to announce her presence. All eyes in the room focused on us - those of MC, Sayori, Monika, and the new kid, Eimi.

"There you guys are!" Sayori said, smiling widely as you'd expect. "Where were yooouuuu?! We wanted Eimi to meet everyone in the club, and we were worried she wouldn't get to meet you guys until later!"

"U-Uhm,, m-my apologies, w-we got caught up at the library..." Yuri said. Something about her gave off the impression that she wasn't exactly the best liar, but she didn't exactly _lie_ , per se, because we _did_ get caught up at the library. She just kinda... omitted some details. Like that, well, y'know, we kissed? That we're girlfriends now? God, I _cannot_ get over that! We're girlfriends now! _Girlfriends!_

"Well, as long as you're here now, it's cool!" Sayori said, grinning widely like she does. "Well then, Eimi, meet Natsuki and Yuri! Natsuki's the one with the pink hair, and Yuri's the one with the purple hair!"

Eimi walked up to us, a blank and a little bored expression on her face. But weirdly, she didn't exude boredom... it didn't feel like she didn't want to be here, despite what her face said.

"Hi," She said flatly.

"U-Uhmn... hello," Yuri said, reaching out and shaking the girl's hand. After shaking Yuri's hand, Eimi turned to me, greeting me with the same, flat, "Hi," before she also shook my hand.

"So, uh, w-what sort of literature do you like?" Yuri asked, Eimi's focus still on the two of us. Sayori giggled in the background, MC smiling playfully. Apparently they were aware of how the aloof and placid Eimi would clash with the sensitive and timid Yuri, and they found it hilarious... those two can be quite tease-y sometimes, to the point where they're almost mean. But I wouldn't go so far as to call Sayori or MC mean, obviously. They're just... yeah, tease-y.

"Hmn, good question. You're the first person to ask. I thought I'd have been asked sooner, being that it's a literature club," Eimi said. Sayori held back what would've been a raucous laughter as Monika's faced furrowed into an insulted frown at the - perhaps unintentional - criticism of her club management skills.

Eimi threw her bag on a table, clipping it open and pulling out a black book, with a red binding and a series of red patterns decorating the front. I feel like she lives in a world of two colors: black, and red. She was even wearing black and red at the festival, wasn't she?

"Yuri, uh... last name?"

"Oh, uhmn, S-Seomun. Yuri Seomun."

Eimi nodded, a small but definitely uncharacteristic smile curling onto her face. "Nice name. Korean?"

Yuri nodded. "Y-Yes..." She looked confused at how Eimi couldn't tell just by looking at her that Yuri was Korean - I mean, even that shitty guy at the festival could tell that.

"Yuri Seomun. Are you well-acquainted with the occult?"

Yuri's eyes widened. Sayori's excitement died down a little, and MC sat up, looking confusedly at Eimi from behind. Monika's expression remained blank and standard. I realized I was making an annoyed and confused face, so I tried to make myself look... I dunno, cool? Collected? Yeah, collected. I tried to make myself look collected.

"Uhmn... no," Yuri said, a little uncomfortable - understandably so, since it's a kinda morbid topic to bring up out of the blue like that.

Eimi sighed, again showing some uncharacteristic emotion as she folded her arms. Maybe it _is_ characteristic of her...? I mean, this is her first time in the club, after all, so maybe I don't have a great grasp of her attitudes and mannerisms. "I had my hopes up for nothing then... but still, I'd recommend checking it out. It's interesting."

She opened up the book to a random page, reading from it aloud. Of course, it wasn't in Japanese, so no one understood what she was saying - well, _I_ didn't. I don't know if the others can speak English. I know Yuri knows a few words and basic sentences, but that's about it. Probably not enough to understand some Occultist book.

"Uhmn, is that English?" MC asked, standing up and coming up from behind her, joining Yuri and I. Eimi sat down sideways in a chair, her torso perpendicular to the desk. Sayori followed closely behind MC, sitting on a desk behind him. Monika remained seated.

"Yes," Eimi responded. "I'm fluent in English. They don't print books like this in Japanese."

MC nodded, smiling lightly as he tried to lighten the awkward situation with a joke - of course, Eimi didn't seem awkward at all. "Well, I guess I should've payed attention in English class then, hehe..."

Eimi nodded. "It's a useful language to learn. Especially for my purposes. Are you well-acquainted with the occult, MC?"

MC frowned and shook his head. "Nope... can't say I am."

Eimi sighed. "You, Sayori?"

Sayori shook her head again. "Nope! It all seems a little scary..."

"You, Natsuki?" Eimi asked, now turning to me. I suddenly became conscious of the fact that I hadn't said anything in a good few minutes during this whole exchange.

"Oh, uh... nah," I said. I don't get why she's asking everyone individually, since it's pretty clear none of us do... and even if she did wanna ask all of us, she could just ask everyone as a group. Would it be so hard to just ask, "Does anyone here know anything about the occult?" I mean, apparently it is, since she's going through the painstaking process of asking everyone, one at a time.

"Monika?" Eimi asked, turning around to look at the girl at the teacher's desk.

Monika pondered the question for a second, despite it being a very obvious yes-or-no. Well, Monika?

"I suppose I know a thing or two about it," She said.

Eimi's eyes lit up for the first time I'd seen - it looked so weird it might've been the first time ever. "Really?"

Monika nodded. "I'm certainly not an expert, but I know a bit about it."

Eimi grinned, making her look like a completely different person from before. She hopped up from her seat, skipping over to Monika's place. "Tell me what you know, Monika-kami!"

Kami...? Like, God? Kami as in God? Jeez, in a matter of a few seconds, she's gone from literally ignoring Monika's existence and insulting her club, to referring to her as a God.

"K-Kami?!" Monika said, looking shocked for probably the first time in her life. "L-Let's not get ahead of ourselves here..."

"Monika-sama? Lord Monika?"

"J-Just Monika!" Monika interjected. "'Monika's is fine..."

Eimi nodded. "Well, Monika, tell me what you know."

Having calmed from her initial surprise, Monika returns to her standard calm, cool pose. "Well... I suppose I can't spill all my secrets here, can I?"

Eimi nodded. "I understand. Very important stuff. Here," She said, gesturing for Monika to wait as she pulled out a slip of paper and a pen from her bag, jotting something down on it before handing it to Monika. "That's my address. Please visit me."

"Oi, oi!" Sayori interjected. "T-That seems a little... rushed, doesn't it?!"

"It's fine," Monika said, taking the slip of paper as some nervous cracks broke through her plastic smile. Eimi was weird, _really_ weird... but apparently, she's weird enough to put even Monika on edge. It's kinda fun, honestly, seeing that unnerving, plastic smile being broken through by someone that even Monika can't handle. I think I like Eimi.

"Well, well," I said teasingly as I stepped over behind Monika, putting my hands on her shoulders. "Seems like you have quite the admirer, don't you~?" I say. I have no idea why I'm getting so much enjoyment out of this - I mean, I've always liked Monika, after all - but it felt so weirdly satisfying.

"Admirer... l-like a crush?" Eimi asked, now looking flustered. Despite being such a placid person, she's displayed a wide rang of emotions today, and I suppose now was her time to be flustered. "N-Nothing like that!" She dismissed the possibility quickly.

Monika nodded. "Don't worry, I understand..."

Eimi's expression returned to normal as she sighed, apparently squeezing the embarrassment out of her along with the air from her lungs. "Very nice," She said flatly.

"Oi, this is the right room, innit?" A familiar and very unwelcome voice said from the doorway. Cutting through the fun atmosphere like a hot knife through butter, the sound attracted everyone's attention, all eyes being drawn to the front door, where stood that guy... that guy from the festival.

"Daisaku," Eimi said, coldly.

"Uuuugh!" I sighed, looking at the kid and his messy pompadour - like, c'mon guy, if you're gonna do a pompadour, commit. Put the effort in. "What do _you_ want?"

"Oi, oooi!" He grinned, "What's the big idea, huhn? I just wanna join the club, ain't that fine?"

I glanced over to Yuri, her eyes wide and her lip trembling. Last time this kid was around, she ran away and got drunk... of course, she doesn't have wine this time, but she might have a knife. I stood in front of her, holding my arm out protectively. She looked down at me in surprise, obviously surprised that I was doing this at all, but hey, I gotta protect my girlfriend. She'd do the same for me, right?

"In your case," I said, pointing at Daisaku, "It is assuredly _not_ fine."

"Yeah!" Sayori said, coming up to my side. "Leave us alone!"

"Oi, oi, oi! Let's not be aggressive here," Daisaku said, putting his hands up in front of him in a signal to cool down. "I mean no trouble!"

"You certainly meant trouble at the festival!" I shot bitterly at him.

"Listen, listen, I know we got off on the wrong foot," He said, straightening his tie despite his blazer being unbuttoned, "But I think I deserve a second shot."

"What do you know about literature, anyway? Huh?" I prodded. 0% chance that Poorly-kept Pompadour here knows jack shit about literature. He couldn't tell you the difference between George Orwell and George of the fucking Jungle. I dunno how he thinks he's gonna bluff his way into here.

"Hey, c'mon, I've taken a peek at that book Eimi over there has..." Daisaku said, "If you're gonna let her in, why not me?"

Eimi sighed, stepping in front of Sayori and I with the book opened up, resting in her forearms so that she could look down at it.

"Uh... Eimi?" Sayori asked.

"Don't worry. I'll get rid of him," Eimi said, flipping through the pages until she found something she was satisfied with. As she reached her preferred page, she looked straight at Daisaku, and began reciting a chant at him - not without an accent, of course.

"O Biro, habu hisu uraifu. Habu hisu happinesu. O Biro, taeku uwat he cherichesu aso fiuru fo yaru infano! O Biro, aiya offa yu hisu happinesu asu sakurafaisu! O Biro!"

She did speak English, that she didn't lie about, but she still has a noticeable accent - a _very_ noticeable accent. I dunno if an English-speaker would fully understand what she was saying, but maybe they would. I'm definitely no expert on the subject, as I've already established.

Daisaku looked at Eimi, confused and unentertained, his malicious grin having fallen to a bored frown. "Uh... well, what did that do?" He asked.

Eimi closed the book, looking at him with her usual placid expression. "I offered the Devil your happiness and your life, as a sacrifice."

Daisaku chuckled quietly, now apparently amused. "And... you expect me to be scared by that?" He asked, grinning.

Eimi shook her head. "I don't expect you to. But that chant will take your happiness - that which you cherish most. It will take it and use it to strengthen the Below - those beings beyond our reach, beyond our understanding. They will take what you love and feed off of it.

"Nooo, they won't! Because they don't exist!" Daisaku interjected loudly, at this point just annoyed. His hands were in his pocket as he moved his torso animatedly to make his point as he spoke.

"Hoo?" Eimi scoffed, closing the book with one hand. "Is that so? You believe that?" She took an oddly sort of battle-ready stance, turning perpendicular to Daisaku and leaning slightly, tilting her head slightly as well.

"Uh, duh? You think anyone believes any of that shit?" He responded, folding his arms. "I'm not afraid of you."

"Then..." She pointed at him with one finger, her hand in the classic gun shape. "Would you believe it if the spirits destroyed the computer at your home, which is so precious to you?"

Daisaku scoffed. "Listen, I know this game - I think it's called sumthin' like, uh... I dunno, but basically you're just firin' blanket statements that would apply to literally anyone. You think I'm the only person that'd care if their computer was destroyed? Most people would. Like I said, you don't scare me." He finished off his statement by smiling and shrugging exaggeratedly.

"Hmn. Of course I know what you're talking about. It's called shotgunning, a common technique used by hack fortune-tellers. But I am not here to tell your fortune, I am here to ruin your life." She pointed at him again, animatedly like a manga character. "If your computer is destroyed, you will no longer be able to donate to the streams you follow! Specifically, the streams which contain lewd models of anime women!"

The room fell silent. The next move was Daisaku's - from the expression on his face, however, Eimi was right on the mark. Eimi went on.

"Of course, there's no shame in liking anime. I already know Natsuki watches it. And of course, we all experience arousal. I am not attempting to shame you. But if you were unable to donate to such streams, you would be unhappy, correct?"

"I-I-I'm... I-I-I don't donate to shit like that!" Daisaku shouted, his eyes wide and his cheeks flushed.

"Like I said, it is not shameful," Eimi said.

"B-Bullshit it isn't!"

"But you would be unhappy if you lost that ability, correct? The ability to participate and donate?"

"S-S-Shut the fuck up! Nng, I don't have to put up with this shit, I'm going home!" Daisaku finally shouted, storming out of the room as violently as he arrived. As soon as he was gone, Sayori started clapping.

"Bravo! Bravo to the magical Eimi~!" She grinned, running over to Eimi and hugging her from behind. The hug was relatively gentle for Sayori's standards - of course, we're going by Sayori standards, so it was still a tight grip on Eimi's rather small body. "So was all that occult stuff really real after all? Jeez, that' really cool! You gotta tell me more about it!"

Eimi's expression returned to being placid as she somehow managed to keep a straight face even while having her body crushed by Sayori. "Unfortunately, I've not yet had a spell work properly. I know about his participation in erotic streams purely because he watches them on his phone in school, and he insists on sitting next to me. I don't know how he lives under the assumption that nobody knows about them. But as I said, no shame."

"Oh?" I emote. "Then how did you know I watch anime, huh?"

"I didn't. Shot in the dark."

I groaned. "Ugh, what did you base the assumption on, then?!"

"Nothing - like I said, it was a shot in the dark. But I suppose now I know that you do. But again, as I said, no shame."

"Well, uhmn," Monika interjected, stepping in. "To move on past that... I should mention, Eimi, that we tend to have our members write poems to bring in every club meeting, that we can discuss during the club meeting. As a member of the club, you'll be expected to do the same."

"Poems? I've never been much of an expert on the topic. But if it is expected, then I can comply," Eimi said.

"Ah, good, then," Monika said, smiling. "Well, the club should now be adjourned for the day... but, Eimi, being that you're new, I'd like to discuss a few more things with you. Is it okay if you stay behind with me for a bit, so I can talk to you a bit longer?"

Eimi nodded.

"Wonderful. Well then, everyone, I'll see you Monday!" Monika said, waving to everyone else in the room as we gathered our stuff and left. Yuri walked beside me, us going in the opposite direction of Sayori and MC - of course, I could still tell Sayori was still being all clingy and lovey-dovey with MC. They make no attempt to hide their relationship anymore, it's an open secret at this point.

Yuri looked at me and smiled bashfully - you know, the cute way she always does - and I reached over to hold her hand.

"So, uh, wanna go to my house? Or should I come to yours? Or, uh, I dunno, wanna go on a date somewhere~?" I asked, eager to spend the first day with my girlfriend. She held my hand gently, her bashful smile calming down into a warm expression of content love.

"Won't MC wonder where you've gone?" Yuri asked, looking at me as her eye betrayed her concern.

"Pssh! Who cares? He'll survive without me for a few hours. I wanna relish in having a girlfriend for a while, you know?" I grinned at her, my grip on her hand only tightening.

"Ah, so you're girlfriends now," An unfortunately familiar masculine voice said from behind us.

"Eep!" Yuri squeaked as we wheeled around to see MC behind us.

"I-Idiot!" I shouted. "H-How long have you been there?!"

"I just caught up. Sayori had to hurry home, and our house is closer by this way. I figured I'd walk with you guys. Of course, I didn't exactly expect you to be holding hands, but I dunno... it's sweet." He let a small but certainly noticeable smug smile creep onto his face as he finished talking, infuriating me even more than I already was.

"S-Shut up!" I shouted. Yuri had hung her head low, her bangs covered her face as she blushed intensely. That's something she tends to do a lot, I've noticed - well, at least when she's being bashful. Which is, like, a lot.

"Hey, hey, no judgement, no judgement," MC said, throwing his hands up in the air in a gesture of mock-surrender. "Do you really think I'd be homophobic? Like, at all? Didn't I tell you I'm bi at some point?"

"What?!" I shouted. "No! I never knew this!"

"H-He told me..." Yuri revealed, as quickly and quietly as she possibly could.

"Nnghhgh! Whatever, that's beyond the point! You absolutely cannot tell _anyone_ about this! Got it? Y-You, uh..." I tried to think of a snappy insult to use without sounding like an idiot, but to no avail as MC moved on without me.

"Yeah, of course. I'm not _that_ much of an insensitive ass," He said. "Anyway, I can sense I've created a disturbance. I'll head back to our house then. Seeya," MC said, quickly dashing past us as he lightly jogged towards our house, waving lightly at us for a second before he disappeared.

I sighed. "Well, uhn... s-still wanna do something?" I asked Yuri, her face still covered by her bangs. She lifted her head up and smiled at me weakly.

"Y... Y-Yeah... let's... go out somewhere."

I smiled from ear to ear, my face turning pink as my eyes sparkled at Yuri. "Y-Yeah...! L-Let's do that! Where do you wanna go, hmn?"

"I-I don't know, uhmn... w-what's something both of us like?"

"Ice cream?" I asked. "Wanna go on an ice cream date? They always have those in anime and manga, it's so cute! Wanna do it, hmn, hmn?"

Yuri nodded precisely delicately, the nervousness of moments before now leaving her expression and posture as she became more refined and elegant. Her slow and well-thought-out nod served as evidence that she weighed and considered every variable of going to an ice cream shop as a first date.

"That sounds very pleasant... very well, then, let's get ice cream," She said slowly, as if she meticulously picked out every word from the pages of a dictionary to put together the perfect sentence for my ears. _God_ , she was driving me crazy. Literally all I want to do is spend time with her right now.

"C'mon, let's go, then!" I cheered, grabbing her hand and pulling her along with me towards the nearest ice cream shop I knew - er, I'm pretty sure I knew where it was. Anyway, it became obvious pretty quickly that running wasn't quite Yuri's speed - no pun intended - but it's not like I didn't already know that. She's a much more refined, elegant person... ugh, I've been using those same few words to describe her. She's... fancy? Whatever. Anyway, she naturally had a bit of trouble keeping up, but I honestly didn't really think too much about it as I ran along, looking for the _one_ ice cream shop I knew. After a few minutes, we were basically just running through town blindly, as it became apparent that I completely forgot where the place was. I mean, the last time I visited it was when I was a kid, anyway, but I always remembered it well - er, so I thought. Apparently I didn't know it so well, since like I said, we were basically lost at this point.

After a while of running, even I got tired, and so I took a second to set my hands on my knees and just breathe. Yuri seemed even more out of breath than I was, and I felt a little bad for dragging her around town like I did. I sighed and looked at her, still panting.

"E-Er... s-sorry, about that..." I said standing up straight now as I wiped some sweat from my brow with my shirt sleeve.

"U-Uhmn... d-don't worry..." Yuri said, smiling at me reassuringly. She looked off for a second, pointing in a direction.

"Uhmn, w-would that be the ice cream shop you were talking about?" Yuri asked. I looked over to where she was pointing to see an unfamiliar shop, with a large poster of an ice cream cone in the window.

"Er... nope. I've never seen that one before. But...!" I threw my arm around Yuri's waist. "C'mon, let's get some ice cream," I said, smiling at her. She smiled back at me, and so we walked, hand-in-hand, towards the ice cream shop. Being that we ran into it by coincidence, it should be pretty obvious that I've never heard of this place before. I guess it stands to reason that there's more than one ice cream shop in this entire city.

We entered together, and I looked up to see Yuri hiding her face in her bangs. I know how she is - specifically, I know she's not exactly _out_ , so to speak. In her mind, she's walking into an establishment full of people who are unused to being around... well, _the gays_ , as they might say - at least in Yuri's mind they might say that. She assumes that as soon as we walk in, holding hands, every pair of eyes in the entire building will be focused on us with bewilderment and confusion. "They're _gay?!?!?_ "

Of course, Yuri's mind is full of a lot of false assumptions. Very little attention is drawn to us as soon as we walk in. A few people glance over at us, like they normally would if anyone else walked in, and then turned back around. Most people just went on eating their ice cream as normal - not that there were even that many people in here to begin with. The shop wasn't exactly empty, but it sure wasn't packed - there wasn't even a line for us to wait in, we could just walk up to the counter uninterrupted. And so we did - Yuri staggering slightly behind, of course. I pressed my hands and face close to the glass at the counter, looking over the seemingly endless number of combinations of ice creams flavors to choose from. Yuri stood just behind me, calmly looking over them as she played with her hair. I used to think it was a nervous tic of hers, but now I think it's something she does idly - just something for her hands to do rather than rest at her side.

"Uhmn," Yuri said, apparently having decided what she wants. The woman behind the counter - a teenager a bit older than us, but weirdly sweet-looking - smiled as she awaited Yuri's order.

"U-Uh... I-I'll have... one scoop of pistachio, i-in a cup, please..." Yuri said. Her order was plain, and pretty minimalistic. Yuri's not fat by any stretch - I mean, maybe she has a _little_ bit of chub, but even saying that is a bit of a stretch. And hey, even if she had some extra weight on her, I honestly wouldn't mind. She can be cute and chubby! I could _definitely_ get into that. Of course, this is an ice cream shop, so it's probably not the ideal place to come down with the vapors.

"Hmnph!" I grinned as I made my decision, as if I was about to boast the intricate complexity of my order in comparison to Yuri's plain scoop. "I'll have a cone, with a scoop of cake batter and a scoop of orange creamsicle, topped with whipped cream and strawberry syrup - and, of course, a cherry!"

Yuri looked taken aback by my rather extensive order - well, about as taken aback one can be by an ice cream cone. "N-Natsuki, dear, that... t-those flavors don't seem to mix at all," She said. My grin curled up into a pleased smile as I heard her use the word "dear" in reference to me - in _public_ , no less! On our first date!

"Don't worry about it for a second, _dear_ , I know exactly what I'm ordering~!" I said as I booped her nose with my finger playfully. Of course, Yuri being Yuri, she yipped quietly in response as her face flushed red. I giggled at her reaction as the woman behind the counter smiled and got to preparing our orders. She first handed Yuri her simple pistachio scoop.

"That'll be 270 yen, miss," She lady said. Yuri procured from her pocket a small coinpurse, and from that she pulled out a few coins that she handed to the... I dunno, I'm sick of calling her "the lady behind the counter." She's not the cashier, since she's also scooping the ice cream... uh, whatever, she hands the coins to her.

"Thank you kindly," The woman said before preparing the deliciously elaborate creation of my confectionery genius. It took her a bit longer than I'd like to comfortably wait, but once she was finally done, she handed it to me. "That'll be 600 yen," She said. I sighed as I digged through my pockets for some coins, and fortunately I had just enough for the ice cream. I smiled as I walked over to my dearest, licking my cone as I did so.

"Just pistachio, hmmn~?" I teased. Yuri smiled in understanding as she savored the sweet, uh... pistachio-ness of her ice cream.

"I-It's a favorite flavor of mine... I think there's something admirable about the simplicity. L-Like, uhmn..." She thought for a second, as if articulating her next words very particularly. "L-Like people who say bread and butter is their favorite food. W-When something simple is done well, it can be even better than a meticulously crafted delicacy."

"Hm, hm," I hummed as I licked at my enormous cone. "You say that, and yet your poetry is always so complex and, uh... intricate!" I tease.

"O-Oh, uhmn..." Yuri seems genuinely taken aback by that. "I-I suppose I've never thought of it that way..."

I grinned widely. "Hehe! So you could say I outsmarted you, then~?"

Yuri smiled calmly, collecting herself together from the apparent state of shock I sent her into. "I suppose you could say that, couldn't you?"

I smiled smugly as I licked my ice cream again, the taste of victory far more satisfying than my unorthodox combination of flavors.

After a while of eating our ice cream, with some sparse conversation here and there, we finished up and left the shop, walking hand-in-hand through town. The sun had gone down in the sky since we'd walked in - it wasn't quite sunset, but it was definitely reaching that point, sooner rather than later. I looked up at Yuri to see the sun shining through her hair, casting a dim purple light on her face, like she was a figure in stained glass. And seeing her like this certainly made her feel like one to me... like some holy figure, a divine idol of worship. Maybe that's a bit embarrassing, but I'm allowed to be embarrassing in my own head. It's not like I'm saying it out loud or anything... I've learned from my mistakes.

After a second, Yuri notices me looking up at her, and smiles at me. She does that a lot now, and to be fair, I do it to her. But, like, can you blame us? We're just a couple of real dumb lovebirds - high school girls in love! Ooh, that'd make a good name for an anime. "High school girls in love!" Exclamation point required.

"S-So, uhmn..." Yuri began, stopping our walk. We stood for a second, hand-in-hand, totally still. I looked at her curiously, quiet all the while, as I waited for her to continue. "I-I... I'm..."

"Hmn?" I interjected, my curiosity piqued.

She sighed. "U-Uhmn... d-don't worry about it, for now. I-I... I'll find my words eventually."

That felt oddly poetic. It... it was the way I felt for a really long time. I'll find my words eventually... it took a while, but I have a few choice words for her now. I-I dunno if I can quite use the L-word yet (love, not lesbian - _obviously_ I'm a lesbian), since it's probably a bit early, but... I'm not used to this whole thing, so I dunno when I _can_ use it. When is it allowed in this sorta thing...? In manga, they tend to use it pretty quickly, but I doubt that reflects reality... I dunno, but I just know I feel really strongly positive about her. I know the way I feel about her is 100% genuine, and as long as I know she feels the same way, that's enough for me.

And, with that in mind, I nodded at her and smiled back. "Yeah... you will."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm gonna try to learn from my mistakes here lol... I think part of the reason I procrastinated on this so long is because it's such an ungodly long chapter. Or rather, it was gonna be... I mean, it still is, but splitting it into two parts makes it more manageable. Anyway, I think I'm back now! Hii~!


	34. The first 24 hours, Part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wherein I try to find my words.

I sighed frustratedly - a tick I find rather vulgar, but one I give in to as I once again erased the words on the page in front of me. I feel a certain way about Natsuki... I feel confident enough that said feeling is love, but I lack to audacity to say "I love you" within the first 24 hours of us first "getting together," so to speak. And thusly, here I sit at my desk at 1:30 in the morning, trying to articulate the way I feel, while avoiding that dreaded L-word.

I looked at the clock on my desk, and to my disappointment it disproves even the fundamental assumptions about my situation. It is not, in fact, 1:30 in the morning - it was the last time I checked, but obviously that time had passed, for it was now 2:19 in the morning. I considered that perhaps my "brain had melted" as Natsuki would so elegantly put it. It wasn't as if I'd had any rush... indeed, Natsuki and I had agreed to spend the day together tomorrow, but it would be completely within reason for me to go to sleep at a reasonable hour and wake up early, so that I could articulate my feelings after a good night's rest. But I must recall the set of events that led to me to where I was...

Towards the end of our first date, Natsuki and I pledged - er, agreed... pledged sounds much too serious - to spend the day together tomorrow as well. Being that it's Saturday tomorrow, we set 12:00 noon as the time, and a local bookstore as a location. Naturally, I was buzzing with excitement, as any high school girl would with a date set to meet her girlfriend. Such excitement continued to persist well after I'd returned home, and beginning at roughly around 10:00 PM, I tried to put that energy towards articulating my feelings on paper. After several failed attempts, it became less of me trying to put positive energy towards something I felt I needed to do, and more of me desperately trying to put my feelings on paper without saying "love." And as the clock dragged on, I feared that if I were to sleep now, without finishing writing down my thoughts, I would wake up late in the morning with little to no time left before I had to meet Natsuki, and I would arrive at the date totally unprepared, having no way to talk to her about how I feel - without, of course, using the word "love" much too hastily.

To say the least, the situation was dire.

I groaned as I threw my head back and tried to relax my arms. I'd taken off my sweater about an hour or two earlier, as the temperature became too much to bear, but even now as I sat at my desk in little more than a bra, I still felt so... stuffy. This was not my style, none of this was in line with I had considered traditionally "me," the set of attributes those who knew me would ascribe to me. If even Natsuki were to see me now, she would suspect that her girlfriend had been abducted by a cult and replaced with a doppelganger who was desperately trying to copy me, with little success. Er, something to that effect...

Once more did I sigh. I wonder if I do that too often... perhaps I should set a goal to sigh less. That sounds reasonable... very reasonable...

I leaned forward to rest my head on my desk, looking down at the paper that had been written on and erased so many times. I consider wasting paper to be in poor taste, and so I opted to reuse this one sheet over and over, rather than crumpling any up. The paper I write on, I consider to be almost... sacred. Perhaps a word such as "sacred" is a bit too far, but I'm merely attempting to emphasize the value I place upon it. Thusly, I'd rather avoid wasting the very fine paper I use. But enough talk of paper... I'm distracting myself from my own failure to simply put how I feel into words. Peoples of all civilizations throughout history have used literature as a way to manifest their feelings in others, to show the world how they feel, and yet here I am struggling to do such, despite my apparent "prowess."

"Prowess," hmn? Perhaps I would do myself a favor to not assume I have any such "prowess" in literature - or, indeed, anything. To assume that I have a level of skill that I've not proven to myself that I hold, is simply to disappoint myself in situations such as this. I doubt often whether I really am any good at writing poetry, despite my passion for doing such, and as a result I've come to the conclusion that I should not be so arrogant as to assume that I hold any such "prowess."

I would sigh at a moment like this. I would sigh after a moment of thought, of self-reflection, which has culminated in the acceptance that to assume I'm good at something simply because I like to do it, is little more than arrogance. But I've resolved not to sigh so much, haven't I? I must, at the very least, maintain the dignity to hold up such a simple resolution.

_"Yours is... kinda creepy?"_

N... N-Natsuki...?

_"E-Er! B-But, in a good way... b-but not too good, y-you know... d-dummy..."_

Oh yeah, that... t-that's what Natsuki said, when we exchanged poems for the first time. I've come to know her too well since then, and I know that when she acts like that, it's because she's too embarrassed to say something nice. She's built up a defense around herself like that, a shell to protect herself from outside affection... except me, of course, but I believe that she would agree that I am a bit of a special case in that regard.

But regardless, knowing her, she would only say something like that to disguise a compliment... "It's good, but not too good," as some sort of check so that I don't get full of myself. But still, I can't help myself from smiling as I fondly recall the memory... despite how scary she can be, I still believe that Natsuki's aggressive persona is still quite... well, for a lack of a more elegant word, cute. But I also feel a bit of... I... I feel a bit fuller, remembering it - remembering Natsuki's masked compliment, delivered with that signature pout. God, I want to squish her adorable cheeks when she makes that face~!

I smile dumbly as my eyelids become too heavy to keep up. I know I have to resist the influence of sleep, in the interest of actually accomplishing what I'd set out to do, b-but... I... I feel complete now, with the understanding that my poetry is good enough for Natsuki. I-I don't really need it to be good enough for anyone else... if Natsuki likes it, t-then... t-that's good enough for me. I can live and die happy if Natsuki likes my poetry...

And with that satisfaction, I succumb to nature's instincts, and drift into a heavy sleep.

* * *

The floor.

I'm on the floor, for some reason.

Oh... oh yeah, I-I fell asleep... b-but didn't I fall asleep at my desk?

W-Wait... I... fell asleep...

My eyes shoot open as I come to my senses. I'm awake now, because I fell asleep. Today I have a date with Natsuki, and I _specifically_ didn't want to fall asleep because I had to accurately write down my feelings on paper, so I could express them to Natsuki. And yet here I am, on the floor.

I get up quickly, my heart racing. P-Perhaps not all is lost, perhaps it's early enough in the morning that I still have time to compile my emotions... 8 hours of sleep would be about the recommended amount of sleep for someone my age, so if I fell asleep around 2:30 AM, and slept for 8 hours, it'd be roughly 10:30, leaving me with an hour and a half to work with. Hoping to confirm my wishes, I check the clock.

It's 11:24 AM.

IT'S 11:24 AM. OH MY GOD. WE'RE MEETING AT NOON.

Understandably, panic sets in. My breathing becomes heavy. O-Okay, okay, so if I want to be there slightly early, then I have about a half hour at most. That is _absolutely_ not enough time to compile my feelings and get ready. I look worriedly at my desk, nipping at my fingers but trying to avoid biting my nails (another bad habit I kicked a while ago). I... I could simply not shower, and just brush my hair and spend my time trying to write my feelings down. N-No, that's preposterous... I worked up quite a sweat last night, so surely I must have accumulated some level of odor overnight. I can't show up to our second date an unshowered mess... I'll have to be quick about this shower as is, given the time constraint. I'd sigh at a moment like this... I'd sigh as I come to the realization that my fear is about to be realized, that I'm going to show up to our date completely unprepared, and I'll have nothing to say because all I'll be able to think about will be my failure... but again, I have to uphold my resolution.

And so I brush my hair. And so I shower. And so I pick out a cute shirt to wear - a long-sleeves black shirt, relatively thing when compared to the sweaters I tend to wear, with a purple image of a cat on the front. And so I also choose a pair of tight black leggings to wear as pants. And so I take a deep breath as I step out the door, hoping to prepare myself in some way for a date that I tried so hard to get right.

11:56 AM. I know Natsuki well, she's the sort to arrive at the exact minute of a specified time. She should be here in four minutes. In that time, I stare idly down at my phone, looking over our text messages - relatively sparse, despite us being girlfriends. Our last conversation was when I invited her to the library, where we had our mutual confession - the last message between us being a sole heart Natsuki sent not long after our date. Unfortunately, I never saw it, no doubt due to the predicament I had placed myself in, but now that I do, I smile and return her heart with one of my own. Not long after, a little bubble appear to signify that Natsuki is typing.

_"I'm on my way, I'll be right there! <3"_

A smile crept onto my face as I read that. Just seeing her message made my insides melt into a lovey-dovey, gooey, mush. It made all the worries I had about being unprepared vanish, even if just for a moment. I am a teenage girl in love, after all, so there's justification for me to feel so warm inside when I get a message from my girlfriend... I-I love her...

_"I look forward to seeing you. <3"_

I put my phone away in the little satchel I have slung around my shoulder, and look up to the sky. I take a deep breath in through my nostrils, absorbing the fresh air - well, as fresh as air can be outside a bookstore in the uptown of our city. And, of course, everything feels so much nicer with the knowledge that Natsuki's arriving soon. Natsuki...

12:00 noon strikes. If we had a clock tower in our city, it would be ringing right now. But it's not a big enough city to justify it. More importantly than that, however, it 12:00 noon signifies the arrival of my sweet girlfriend to the bookstore. I look around, shading my eyes from the sun with my hand, and smile brightly as I see Natsuki approaching my area, having seemingly noticed me already.

"N-Natsuki...!" I greet her, perhaps a bit too enthusiastically. Pleased with having received such a warm welcome, Natsuki gives the mock-smug grin that I've noticed is a staple of hers.

"Hey, babe~!" She greets me as she pokes my belly. I can't help myself from scooping her up in a tight hug as soon as she gets close enough - or rather, I bend down to her level to hug her. I'm fine with having a much shorter girlfriend, if anything it's honestly quite adorable.

"H-Hi..." I say, my face nuzzled in her shoulder. I can't see how she's reacting, but after a couple of seconds she wraps her arms around me in return, leaving me sure I flustered her for that first moment.

"Can't get enough of me, huh?" Natsuki teased - that is _so_ like her. Of course, it's not like she's wrong or anything...

"O-Of course I can't... there's no such thing as too much Natsuki," I smile.

"Oh? Well what if I had 10 clones, huh?"

"I would hug all of them at once."

"10 of me at once?!" Natsuki mocked shock as I pulled off from our hug, standing up straight and collecting myself.

I nodded. "Yes, all 10."

"Jeesh! We'll see how you feel once I show up to our next date with a bunch of clones, hmn?"

I giggled lightly. "10 Natsukis is all the more Natsukis to bake me cupcakes."

"10x the cupcakes is riduculous!"

"I'm willing to get a little tubby for my girlfriend if she wants me to eat all her cupcakes. Isn't that acceptable, Natsu?"

Natsuki blushed as I called her "Natsu," a pet name I came up with on the spot, and I have to admit, I did a bit too. It's kind of embarrassing, using a pet name like that for the first time... I suppose I called her "dear" yesterday, but that's not much of a pet name, it feels much more... natural? Not that calling her Natsu feels forced... I-I don't exactly know how to put it. But I think Natsu is cute, I hope I can continue to use it.

"Well, I guess it is, uh..." Natsuki thought for a second. "Yuyu!"

It took me a second to register that. "Yuyu." Yuyu... ehe. Eheheh... uhuhahahaha!

I started giggling at first and then boisterously laughing at that. Yuyu! Yuyu! Uhahahah!

"H-Hey!" Natsuki interjected into my laughter. "J-Jeez, sorry I'm not as good as coming up with cute names as you!"

"N-No, uhaha," I tried to calm myself down for a second to look at the pouting Natsuki. I wiped a tear of laughter from the corner of my eye. "I... think it's adorable. Please, dear, continue to call me Yuyu if you wish..."

She looked up at me with that pouty eye of hers. "Promise not to laugh every time...?"

I nodded. "Just this once, I promise."

She allowed herself to break her tough facade and smile at last. "Good. Then, Yuyu, without further ado, let's head into the store! Shall we?" She said, offering me her hand as if I were a princess, and she were a knight escorting me. I took her hand graciously, bending my knees to do a princess-esque bow, the sort nobility does in movies.

"Very well then, Sir Natsu~" I say in the most royal and elegant voice I can put on, winking at her. She grins as we walk into the bookstore, a place I know well. I haven't been here in a while as of late, being that I have plenty of books to read at home, so hopefully there should be a bountiful selection of books I'd like to read. According to Natsuki, they also sell manga here, a facet of the store I've never noticed but I indeed find to be true as we approach an area of the store where the shelves are stocked with various manga.

"Ooh! Look here, they have the new volume of Voleon!" Natsuki glimmers enthusiastically, reaching up for a book on a high shelf. Just as I'm about to offer to help her, she manages to pull it down - well, she almost makes it fall down, but she manages to catch it. Regardless of how she did it, she proudly holds the book in her hand, showing it off to me like some sort of prize.

"Voleon...?" I ask. It was a manga I'd never heard of - not that I've heard of many manga, mind you - and the cover was certainly interesting. It depicted a young man in a sailor outfit, and eyepatch on his left eye, looking dramatically at the reader, while in the background, several shadowy figures resembling doctors scattered the area. "I-It certainly looks... uhmn, interesting," I said, unsure of how to describe it exactly. I liked the figures in the background, they emanated a sort of mysterious, threatening aura.

"It's the new volume! I wonder Jouru is gonna find out the head doctor's ability! Oh god, I _have_ to get it!" Natsuki smiled brightly as she flipped through the pages.

"Buy to your heart's content, dear," I said, coming up from behind her and placing my hands on my shoulders as I looked down to see whatever she was looking at in the book. Some sort of strange man in a dark suit appeared to be a prominent character, and the boy in the sailor outfit seemed to be the protagonist. To someone with no context of this story, it all seemed very nonsensical to me. Apparently, however, it was a complex story with a very engaging plot.

"S-So, uhmn... what sort of story is it?" I ask.

"Well, the main character is Jouru, and he- waaait!" She halted herself in her tracks, wheeling around to look me in the eye, clutching the book close to her chest. "I'm not gonna spoil it to you! You gotta read it for yourself!"

"Eh?" I emoted. Read it for myself...? "I-I've never read manga myself before..."

"Well, Voleon is a good a place to start as any. I mean, the story's kinda complex, but I know you're definitely smart enough to handle that sorta thing!" Natsuki said, smiling brightly at me as she spoke.

"S-Still, I-I don't know..." I communicated my unsureness through an uneasy glance to the side.

"I mean, we could always, like... I-I dunno, read it together..." Natsuki suggested in the sort of bashful, somewhat cold tone I'd come to associate with her being sweet and wanting to hide it. I let a small smile return to my face.

"That... sounds lovely. Very well, i-if you want me to read this 'Voleon,' I'll read it with you," I said, bending down to Natsuki's level and kissing her on the cheek. It's a bit of PDA, but this isn't school, so I can kiss my girlfriend in public if I want to. And believe me, I do.

Natsuki smiled - at first, the mock-smug grin of victory she gave as I acquiesced to reading her manga (even if she wasn't pushing very hard to begin with), but shortly after her expression softened to warm smile of content as I kissed her on the cheek. Not long thereafter, however, her eyes lit up as she saw something she apparently really liked.

"OOOOOH my god oh my god oh my god!!" She beamed, running over to a nearby shelf and pulling from it another unfamiliar manga - of course, all the manga here are unfamiliar to me. This time, however, as she showed me the cover, she took special care to point to the author's name with her finger: Chiharu Morisaka.

"Chiharu Morisaka...?"

"Chiharu Morisaka! Oh my god oh my god oh my GOD! I love - LOVE - her works, she is _soooooo_ good!" Natsuki continued to beam, like a child on Christmas morning. The cover featured a pair of girls in a field, one standing up and one sitting down, with them both looking up at the sky. Above them, in a gothic font, the title of the manga was emblazoned in white: "THE UNTHINKABLE."

"Ehe, I can't say I'm familiar..." I admit, but I doubt Natsuki would've assumed I had any prior knowledge of this author.

"Oh, she's only, like, the _best_ mangaka ever!" Natsuki boldly claimed. "I've only ever read one other thing of hers, but oh my _god_ is she amazing!"

"Well, if she's earned your respect, then I can only imagine that her work is of some considerable quality," I remark. "You seem to have a good eye for this sort of thing, a... a proficiency, if you will."

She shrugged. "I guess you could say that. I just like good manga, ehe!" She said, flipping through _The Unthinkable_ before holding it close to her chest, along with the other manga she got. "This should be enough for me... c'mon, let's go get you something!"

She nudged me along, and so we walked together to the other side of the store, where there sat on the shelves wide array of books to choose from. It'd been even longer than I thought since I last came, since none of the books seemed familiar to me at all... they must've completely restocked since my last visit. I smile with a sort of nostalgia as I walk through the aisle, this place being one I'm familiar with... I remember walking this enchanted floor before, when I was young. My parents had always encouraged me to read, being that it was good for the mind and whathaveyou, and so they took me to this bookstore. We perused the entire store, but the aisle that caught my eye, the one I wanted a book from, was this one... the horror aisle. It was walking through this aisle, then and countless times since, that has brought me a sort of... content joy. I remember, about a year ago, I walked a bit past the horror section and stumbled across a work by an unfamiliar author - _Fyodor Dostoevsky_. Even that feels sort of nostalgic, thinking back to when I expanded onto my newest fascination, Russian philosophy... it's a bit cliche, I know, but I feel that books are a sort of home-away-from-home for me. Reading has never failed to bring me into a world free of my own woes and troubles, free of that which disturbs me. And... sharing this experience with Natsuki feels like a sort of solidifying experience for our relationship. Does... does that make any sense?

I know I shouldn't, but I run my fingers across the covers of several books as I walk past them. The selection is about split in half between Japanese authors and western authors translated into Japanese. I've considered learning Russian to better understand the works of my favorite authors, but... that's beyond the point. I pick a title I haven't heard of from a favorite author of mine and hold it up close to myself, feeling the intricate leather cover delicately with my fingers. It's a very nice book...

"You want that one?" Natsuki asks. I look down at her to see her smiling curiously as she pokes some of the books with one finger. I was absorbed in myself for a second there, I almost forgot Natsuki was there... but as I said, I think it's good to share such a special place with her.

"I... I believe so. Judging by the thickness, I should be able to get through it in approximately three days, so perhaps I should see if I can afford a second title..." I say. I consider perusing the philosophy section to see if I can pick out any Russian authors, but I've been neglecting horror as of late, so perhaps I should stick around here and pick out another book. Another quick look around ends with me finding another book, thicker than the last, with an unusual cover, detailing a decorative eye-like design. Most interestingly is that the title is not to be found on the cover, but on the spine. This trait is not unusual necessarily, but certainly uncommon. It's not that notable anyway, and certainly not a detail worth drawling on about. Turning the book so that I can see the spine finally reveals the title that I'd been so curious about:

"THE PORTRAIT OF MARKOV"

"Hmnn..." I hum.

" _The Portrait of Markov_ , huh?" Natsuki ask, her interest piqued as she looks over to the book in my hand. I nod.

"The title seems derivative of _The Portrait of Dorian Gray_ , but I don't have any evidence that it's similar. There's not even so much as a plot summary on the back..." I note, turning the book over. I open it up to find that the pages have an old-world sort of aesthetic, the pages colored a sort of yellow-brown to indicate age, when in fact they feel like standard book pages, if a tad rougher. But still, given the lack of information, it's certainly piqued my curiosity. I do enjoy delving into such a mystery... by uncovering it, it makes me feel as though I'm a member of some sort of exclusive club, a select few people who understand the truth behind the mysterious _Portrait of Markov_.

My selections made, Natsuki and I walk over to the cash register, setting our books on the counter for the cashier to check out. He does so, placing our books in separate bags that we take with us as we walk out the door and exit the bookstore, out into the open town.

"Well, whaddaya wanna do now?" Natsuki asks, turning to me and looking up to meet my eyes.

"I-I, uhmn... ehe, I-I don't know..." I admit, bashfully. "P-Perhaps we should plan these sorts of things out better..."

"Naaah," Natsuki remarks. "It'd be boring if we set a rigid schedule we had to follow. It's better to just do whatever we want in the moment, I think."

I nod. "I... I suppose that reasoning is solid. Well, with that being said... what do you wanna do in this moment?"

Natsuki sighed, throwing herself down on a nearby bench. I follow suit, sitting next to her and she hemmed and hawed over my question. It seemed simple enough to answer, but... well, I couldn't answer it when she asked me, so I suppose I'm in no position to be poking holes in her now. Besides, she's my girlfriend... I should be more lenient with her, especially when this is such a non-issue. We have all the time in the world, being that it's the weekend.

"I guess we could just... hang out, I dunno. I think there's a park near here?"

I nodded. "Yes, there is... I've been there a few times, mostly after I've picked out a book from the bookstore." This was a truth - but as I mentioned, I hadn't gone to the book store in a good while before today, and thusly I also hadn't been to the park. It's a bit of a ways away from my house, anyway, so it's not as though I'd ever have the opportunity to just step in while I was on my way to do something else. The only business I have in this area of town is the bookstore.

"Wanna go there then? Today's a pretty nice day out, y'know, _especially_ for mid-February."

"That sounds... that sounds lovely, dear," I said, putting my hand on her thigh to show affection. It seems like a sort of lewd thing to do, I know, but... I-I dunno, it was just sort of instinctual. It felt oddly appropriate, and Natsuki didn't seem offended by it at all - indeed, she even seemed to accept it openly, as if she were expecting it. She leaned over and kissed me on the cheek, taking a moment after to give me a hug. I... t-this moment...

"I'm really happy..." Natsuki said. I smiled and nuzzled my face into her shoulder.

"I... I-I'm happy too..." I responded. I think... this was really the solidification of our relationship. I-It's not as if we weren't a couple before, but... this is the aftershock. Yesterday, we shared our mutual confession, decided to start dating... but right now, the realization is really setting in - that this is real, this is happening. We're dating now. We're going to be able to call ourselves one another's girlfriend. We're going to kiss, and cuddle, and hang out, and go on dates, a-and... maybe even do _that thing_ , that teenagers so love to do... a-and it's all real, it's all happening with one another. We're in this together, this is going to be a lasting thing.

I-I dunno... perhaps I'm reading too deeply into this moment...

Natsuki takes a second to patter my a neck with a few kisses here and there, before she pulls off of me, an smile of relief, acceptance, and joy on her face. I... I think she's having the same realizations I'm having. This is all _real_. And it's beautiful.

"L-Let's..." I inhaled deeply, taking in fresh air and the scent of Natsuki's body so close to me. "Let's go to that park... shall we, dear?"

Natsuki nodded, taking my hand as I stood up. I think it's a beautiful thing, what's happened between us... everything that's led us to this moment... I... I love my girlfriend. I love you, Natsuki.

* * *

I smile and look over at Natsuki as I sit up. Perhaps laying in the grass, staring up at the clouds is a bit of a cliche way to spend time with your girlfriend. But there's only so much one can do in the park, and after about an hour of mindless activity, we decided that this would be the optimal way to spend our time together: just relaxing in the grass. And thusly, we've been doing this for about an hour or two now - I'm not entirely sure, it's been a while since I checked my watch.

I regret to report, however, that a great deal of grass from the ground has become entangled in my hair, creating a mess that will remain unsolvable until I can get home and wash my hair properly.

"Hey! That one looks like, uh..." Natsuki began, pointing to a cloud in the sky. It didn't really have any sort of recognizable shape, but I could see her doing mental gymnastics to try and make it look like something in her mind.

"What does it look like, dear?" I asked. I'd become fond of that word, "dear..." I like using it, it really solidifies that we're a couple.

"Uh... I dunno, I'm thinking..." She hummed for a bit longer. "A... it looks like... a turnip!"

"A turnip?" I ask, looking up at the cloud for myself now.

"Yup! C'mon, don't you see it? It's a turnip! I mean, look, it's got the bulb, and then it squeezes into a little point at the bottom..."

I look at the cloud she's pointing to, and... well, I suppose if I go into it thinking that it looks like a turnip beforehand, it certainly looks like a turnip. I wouldn't have thought as much had I not been told beforehand, but I think a certain degree of lenience is required for this sort of thing when dealing with my girlfriend. She... well, she's Natsuki, and I love her for that. She has quite the rich personality, doesn't she? I lay back down in the grass as I think about her... about how I feel...

It's a bit funny, now, thinking back on it. How worried I was at 2:00 AM, scrambling to try and put my thoughts in a concise, cohesive format... well, at least without saying "I love you" too early. Of course, we had that moment earlier, on the park bench, when the sudden moment of realization came for the both of us, but... I... as someone whose life has been defined by literature, I would be lying if I said I didn't feel somewhat disappointed that I couldn't express myself in words. I looked over to Natsuki, who was now sitting up as she looked for more clouds to make images out of. I... I wish I could describe the way she makes me feel. But it... everything that's happened has been so complex up to this point, and my feeling have been so shaped by the things that have happened between and around us, I... I'd have to go back months to _really_ begin our story... back to when we first met.

"Hey, Natsuki," I said, sort of absent-mindedly. It was a very intentional decision, but... I don't really know _why_ I said it. I spoke without giving much thought, going only on will.

"Yeah?" She asked, looking over to me. I sat up and put my hand on her knee, and she smiled playfully. "What's up, babe?"

I suppose I was in this now... now was my time to find my words.

"I..." I took a deep breath. "When... when we first met, things between us were... well, nonexistent. Or rather, very one-sided. I... I can't try to justify what I did back then, and I don't know if I'll ever be able to live past it. But, I... even considering everything else that's happened, I... I..."

I stopped for a second as I tried to gather my thoughts. A quick look at Natsuki confirmed that she probably has a few choice words for me - something about how I'm not like that anymore, or she's not mad about it, or something like that, but... understanding that I'm not finished, she keeps quiet.

"I... I almost find it amusing, the way things have turned out. I went from your stalker to your girlfriend... it certainly sounds like an interesting story, doesn't it? Ehe... and it is, it really is. The life I've lived up to recently has been one full of shame, and sorrow, and pain. Meeting you for that first time, it... it wasn't healthy, or good in any capacity, but... it was the first time I felt genuinely happy in months to that point, even if that happiness was misplaced and misguided. So it's funny that even after that, you... y-you're still the main source of joy in my life, the thing I look most forward to seeing everytime I get out of bed."

I... I felt like that was... accurate. Not concise, and not even the complete summation of my thoughts, but... certainly acurate.

"Yuri..." Natsuki sighed and looked at me with an accepting, if concerned, smile. "You know we're past that... you're not a stalker anymore. That was just a brief blip in your life, in _our_ lives. And honestly, given the situation at the time, I can't blame you for trying to find happiness in another person, even if it was from afar..."

"B-But...! I-I don't want to justify it, i-it... it was wrong...!"

"I'm not trying to justify it, not even excuse it, but... it's understandable, given the context, why it happened."

I'd probably sigh again at a moment like this, but I must still commit to my resolution. "I... I-I'll try to accept that, but... I-I don't know, Natsu..."

Natsuki pulled me in for a hug, but because we were sitting she was able to hug me as if she were taller - my cheek nuzzled into her chest, her chin resting atop my head. I... I've never felt this sort of touch before, the touch of someone coddling and cuddling me in such a way. I suppose I probably did when I was younger, but... it's a feeling I've longer forgotten, the feeling of being comforted not just emotionally, but physically. And... I'd rather experience it with no one other than Natsuki. The fact that she can make me feel like this... it serves as proof that she is the love of my life.

"I-I, uhmn..." I begin. I... I can't say "I love you," not yet. I'd love to... I'd love to profess to her that she is the person I want to spend the rest of my life with, the person I want to see when I wake up in the morning, the person I want to eventually even propose to, b-but... all that is much soon. We've been dating a day, and already I'm emboldened with fantasies of marriage... I don't even know if that's legal for us in this country. But I've begun to speak, and I can't stop. "T... T-Thank you..."

"Hmn? For what?" Natsuki asked. I smiled as I turned my body around, now resting my head in Natsuki's lap. She took the queue, running her fingers through my hair gently.

"For... for everything up to this point, and for being my girlfriend."

I looked up at her to see her warm, adorable smile, her little fang poking out from her mouth.

"You're welcome, Yuyu~"

I smiled and looked back down, resting my hands on my stomach. According to my watch, it was 3:28 PM. I remember that time, I remember it well... this very minutes marks 24 hours since we left the library hand-in-hand. The first 24 hours of our relationship. The first of hopefully many wonderful days...


End file.
